The worst show in television history hit a new low point on Monday night. It’s one thing to bring aboard Drama Queens and cattle prod them to act horrible and make other women cry. It’s another to stage a fight to make a tedious episode somewhat interesting. It wasn’t interesting. It was terrible.
The Bachelor churns out terrible like Milwaukee churns out beer. And, unfortunately for us all, there is no ‘Bachelor Lite.’ Its 80 proof Bachelor. I’m already drunk with hate.
Another season of The Bachelor is coming to a close. Sean Lowe has four girlfriends left and will meet their families tonight. I’m not sure how he will be able to continue to build connections without climbing down a wall of rock with his girlfriends or watching them canoe. I mean, who sits down to dinner and talks to the family of someone they could potentially marry? I don’t see the sense in it.
Desiree, Catherine, Lindsay and AshLee remain as contestants on America’s favorite game show. My computer still doesn’t know how to spell AshLee. Sean will go to their homes for some televised bonding.
AshLee gets the first visit in Texas. She’s an orphan, so Sean will meet her adopted family and her dog. Before going to AshLee’s house, the couple drinks alcohol on a blanket in a park, because that’s what Bachelors do.
AshLee is excited to show off her boyfriend to her family. She says, “To bring home this man, I’ve been excited about this for as far back as I can remember.” I can remember some things that happened to me when I was 3 or 4. It would have been a bit creepy if she brought Sean home then. She continues, “Here I am, about to introduce this man that I have fallen into love with to my family.” Who says, “Into love with?” You don’t fall into love, you fall in love. You fall INTO a well.
AshLee and Sean have a ton in common. They’re both on television. They both have abs. Both of their fathers are preachers and, I’m sure, proud of their kids for their hot, ripped abbedness. AshLee re-hashes her horrible childhood with her hand on Sean’s leg, very close to his crotch. I get a little misty. AshLee is nice, but she talks like she’s reciting the pledge of allegiance and hasn’t memorized it yet.
She says, “I have never met someone that I was madly in love with.” I do that constantly. I’m madly in love with, at least, six people reading this sentence.
AshLee’s dad is Dick Butkus. They eat at a table in the middle of their yard. It’s weird. They talk and there’s talking. AshLee tells the polar bear plunge story from Canada and compares jumping into a 33 degree lake to falling in love. She doesn’t touch on the part where a dozen other girls were also half-naked and swimming with Sean in the near-frozen, liquid love metaphor.
Her mom pulls Sean aside to ask if he is going to break AshLee’s heart. Sean says, “I don’t plan to.” I get misty again. AshLee’s mom wants someone to guard and protect AshLee. She needs to go pull Casey Mumbles off of Vienna. If you don’t know who that is, it’s not really worth explaining.
Sean asks AshLee’s dad if he can marry AshLee. AshLee’s dad is wearing jeans so, of course he says ‘yes.’ AshLee’s dad tells the camera that he thinks Sean would make a good son-in-law from what he knows about him. It’s a good point. He has known him for an entire meal.
Sean’s dad talks about adopting AshLee and how he fell in love with her and he’s crying and AshLee’s crying and everyone is crying and I’m crying and if AshLee doesn’t win I’m going to hitchhike to Sean’s house and punch him in his throat.
Sean flies to Seattle next to hook up with Catherine. He hugs her and my wife says, “She’s not gonna win.” They walk around Seattle first so ABC can show us guys who throw fish. The fish guys make Sean catch a fish and he catches it and my wife and I kick over our coffee table and head butt each other.
Catherine is next in line to catch a fish. I get nervous because, if she drops this fish, it’s going to hit the ground. The Seattle fish guys throw it. She drops it. The Seattle fish guys are a forgiving sort so, they do it again and she catches it. This show is such an adrenaline rush. I feel like I’ve just snorted a line of coke.
They do romantic things like chew gum and stick it to a giant wall of used bubble gum that just looks about the most disgusting thing in America. It’s like a Herpes wall.
After putting their fingers on the Herpes wall, they hug Catherine’s family. There are giant glasses of wine and snacks. Sean helped make dinner and did push-ups on the living room floor. I can’t believe you read down this far. Catherine says, “I did not expect Sean to get along so well with my family.” I guess she thought he would just sit on the couch and check his phone all night.
The preview footage made it look as if Catherine’s sisters were going to act awful and ruin her evening. Instead, they just asked her four questions. It wasn’t very dramatic. I miss the gum wall. The sisters talk to Sean next. The one sister tells Sean that Catherine, “goes in 100% with guys” and I say, “Hell yeah!” because, get some.
There’s a lot more talking. You guys should just really watch the show so I don’t have to type all of this. Catherine’s mom kind of looks like Stefan Mychajliw. Sean asks her Mom if he can marry Catherine. She doesn’t say yes. It’s clear that Catherine will not be rubbing abs with Sean in far-away, exotic hot tubs. Sean is pretty respectful. He would not have sex with a girl in a Fantasy Suite unless he had a mother’s permission.
So far, the show kind of sucks. It’s not that I didn’t expect it to suck. It’s just the reality of the situation. You don’t go to a co-ed wedding shower expecting to have fun. You go to a co-ed wedding shower and pray to God that a support beam holding up the building breaks so everyone has to evacuate and the co-ed wedding shower ends.
Next up, Sean drives an SUV to Fort Wood in Missouri to meet Lindsay. Luckily, ABC cameras are planted in the SUV to capture how excited he is to meet Lindsay when he says “I’m so excited to meet Lindsay.” I wouldn’t have believed how excited Sean was to meet Lindsay if I couldn’t see the excited expression on his face. Good job, ABC.
ABC sends Sean to the army base because they needed something to make this episode interesting. Bachelor producers know, army dads are scary dads. They’re not sending Sean to a call center.
First Lindsay and Sean walk around the town and talk and I start sweating over how exhilarating it all is. They buy a cupcake. Sean says, “I love cupcakes.” Then he tells the cameras how ready he thinks Lindsay is to get married. They go outside and Sean does a bunch of push-ups. I’m not kidding.
Lindsay’s Dad is a General. I’m disappointed when I learn that he is not a cartoon General who sells car insurance. They drive up to the base. There are soldiers doing push-ups. I’ve never watched this much push-up action on TV before. Hopefully, this push-up craze will replace the vampire craze.
At Lindsay’s house, they talk about stuff. Lindsay’s mom pulls Sean aside to talk more. She asks if he’s falling in love with Lindsay. Shawn says, “Not yet.” Lindsay’s mom tells the camera that she’s glad Sean is being honest. She must be thrilled that he’s also dating 3 other girls.
The meeting with the dad is next. ABC plays ‘Sean is about to meet a big, mean dad’ music. It turns out General Dad is a big teddy bear. He’s General Teddy Bear. He just doesn’t want his daughter to be hurt. Then, Sean asks General Dad if he has permission to marry Lindsay. The music gets darker and more dramatic. Dad compares the question to jumping out of planes. Then, he says, ‘Yes’, kind of. It’s a long-winded military metaphor. I’m not really sure what happened. It’s clear though that General Teddy Bear likes Sean.
Can you imagine watching your wife go through labor, raising your child, providing her with everything she needs, worrying about her every day and every night, and then having the Bachelor ask your permission to marry her on camera? I would shoot lasers out of my eyes and melt Sean Lowe, then use the ‘Sean Lowe’ puddle of goo to caulk my shower.
The Lindsay hometown date goes well. Outside, in the driveway, Lindsay tells Sean that she’s falling in love with him. She really should have done that weeks ago, but Lindsay likes to take things slow. She’ll get a rose. I’m guessing she gets to have sex with Sean!
The date with Desiree is next. Sean travels to L.A. via push-up. They go for a walk in L.A. and then sit and talk on a hill. Why do you read this?
There isn’t a lot of filler before Desiree takes Sean home because they needed to save room for all of the dramatic things that are about to happen. Seriously guys, if you don’t like drama, don’t read these next couple of paragraphs.
What happens next is stupid. Sean and Desiree are in her apartment. ABC knew how boring their show is, so they staged a fake fight with an ex-boyfriend. It is not a real fight, so don’t freak out.
An ABC camera is in position to capture a man approaching Desiree’s house. This man knocks on Desiree’s door in an age where people do not simply drop by other people’s houses without texting them 17 times before hand, and on the exact night ABC just happens to be taping Sean’s family date with Desiree.
Desiree answers the door and is SHOCKED to discover her ex-boyfriend despite the fact that there are 3 different cameras in perfect position to capture the encounter and the surprise visitor is wearing a lavaliere microphone so viewers can hear when he whispers.
Desiree’s ex-boyfriend, who acts as well as an 11-year old in an Annie production, tells Desiree that he’s angry she won’t return his texts. Desiree says she’s been busy dating a guy who is dating other girls. Ex-boyfriend tells Desiree that he loves her.
Sean is angry and the camera zooms in on her balled-up fist. The music is perfect for fighting. Just as this ex-boyfriend is about to push Sean too far, Desiree confesses that it’s all a big prank. She was getting even with Sean for goofing on her earlier in the season. It’s a goof. I missed a couple of minutes of the show because I passed out from laughing so hard. ABC set up the perfect fake fight to get Sean good.
They go to Dez’s house and everyone is all smiles. Dez tells her family that she milked a goat. Her Father hugs Sean and tells the camera that he’d make a great son.
We all think we’re safe now but, the real drama begins. Desiree’s brother is super skeptical. He’s going to make the most of his appearance on television. He’s a tough guy. He tells Dez (she’s Dez now) that he doesn’t think this TV dating thing is going to work. Although Dez’s brother is being painted as a bad guy here, I tend to agree with him.
Dez’s brother pulls Sean aside to be mean. The music is back to ‘storm clouds.’ They sit on some steps and Dez’s brother tells Sean he doesn’t believe Sean is into his sister. He says “There’s just not that connection.” I’m not sure how he sees this but I keep watching. Sean tells the brother that he’s crazy about Dez (she’s Dez now). Dez’s brother says “You’re crazy about a lot of girls.” Which, to be fair, is completely true.
Dez’s brother calls Sean a playboy which is just spot-on. Sean tries to clear his good name, despite the fact that we’re into week 8 of a season of television that has shown him make out with 25 girls.
There’s an awkward silence and, again, Sean attempts to clear his good name. Dez’s brother tells Sean he’s full of it. They agree to disagree. It’s dramatic. I really like Dez’s brother.
Dez (she’s Dez now) yells at her brother for being 100% correct. They eat an awkward dinner. Sean tells the camera that he’s having doubts about Dez. ‘Doubts about Dez’ would be a great band name.
There’s a half-hour of show left and all of the dates are done. ABC has time to squeeze in footage of Sean getting dressed and then thinking on a mountain. Chris Harrison sits down with Sean for an interview. They recap the show we just watched. Sean tells Chris Harrison that he’s narrowed down his cut to either Catherine or Dez (She’s Dez now). Sean says he’s not confident that he’ll make the right decision. Chris Harrison shakes his hand and leaves so Sean can stare at pictures of his girlfriends and decide who to dump.
The Rose Ceremony is next. Sean gives a speech about family. Family is important to Sean. He’s not the kind of guy who hates family. I think each and every person watching this show will agree that Sean values family.
Before the dumping begins, Desiree pulls Sean aside to talk. There are subtitles, despite the fact that she’s speaking English. She apologizes for her brother. She cries. Sean hugs her. It’s President’s Day.
Sean gets down to the last rose but he can’t decide. He walks out on the Rose Ceremony. Chris Harrison scurries after him for support. He tells Sean to take his time. Chris Harrison says, “My advice to you? Get this right.”
“My advice to you? Get this right.” – Chris Harrison, advice giver
Sean sends Desiree home (She’s no longer Dez). Desiree hugs Sean’s other girlfriends and says goodbye. Sean walks her out. She’s made it pretty far so, she gets to sit on a bench and get an explanation for being dumped. Sean tells her that he thinks he might be making a mistake. She agrees. Desiree says “I love you 100%. Not even 99. 100%” I give her a lot of credit for not saying 110%.
Desiree gets in the limo for a nice 4-minute snot-fest. She’s probably going to go home to talk to her brother.
During the credits, Sean and Lindsay eat cupcakes. It’s so cute, I promise to never do anything wrong.
ABC hates me so they’re going to have Chris Harrison interview Sean tomorrow night for an hour. I’m not going to recap it. I’m warning you right now, don’t email me or Tweet at me, and ask, “Where’s the recap?” It doesn’t exist. There will be no recap of that stupid, 1-hour, ‘Are you a virgin’ interview. Do you understand? NO RECAP! I won’t recap it. I’m gonna watch hockey.
Please check back tomorrow for Greg Bauch’s full recap of Chris Harrison’s special 1-hour interview with the Bachelor, Sean Lowe.
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