I know I said I was retiring, and I am going to retire, but a guy from Buffalo is going to make it to the Top 3 of this season of ‘The Bachelorette’. When Buffalo has a chance at a championship, it’s important to document it. Because I love both of my readers, I’m giving you one more season. This is it though. Enjoy this season, because I won’t. I’m done after this. Seriously. I can’t even promise you I’ll make it through the entire season. I’m 30 seconds in and I’m already thinking of quitting early. Anyway, let’s get going with the trash. It’s the worst show on television. It’s ‘The Bachelorette’.
Becca is the Bachelorette. She was devastated when Arie dumped her to date the other girl he had previously dumped. Becca cried and said that she couldn’t see her life without Arie. A couple of seconds later, we see her life without Arie.
Becca put aside the anguish and agreed to become the Bachelorette. ABC shows her walking around Minnesota in the snow, thinking about love. Then, I’m pretty sure she visits the Buffalo Botanical Gardens to think more about love. This woman spans the globe to think about love. It’s spanny, and thinky.
Next, Becca visits with other former Bachelor castoffs to talk about how much of a dick Arie is and how exciting it is that Becca gets to have sex with a bunch of men with abs. Rachel, the former Bachelorette, does a spell to cast off negativity, or something. I’m so glad I’ve returned for one last season. The girls talk and there’s talking. So much talking. Why are people always talking on this show?
Before Becca meets her future boyfriends, she goes to a hotel so sweaty camera guys can film her picking clothes out of her closet. They show her changing. This is important. Becca is excited to be the Bachelorette. We know this because she says this. To this point, Becca hasn’t lied to me so I trust her. I trust that she’s excited.
Next, we get montage intros of the douche bags who will contend for Becca’s heart.
There’s super nice guy who won’t last 4 weeks. A different guy named Garret fishes while wearing camouflage, so the fish do not see him. Can fish see above the water? Are fish like, “Shit I can swim here safely because there is nothing above me but a bunch of leaves floating through the air!” I mean, they eat worms which don’t exist in water, so anything’s possible.
There’s a guy named Jordan who refers to himself as a “pensive gentleman” and I want him to die in a fire with a plastic bag around his head. I want the plastic bag to melt into his face skin as he’s suffocating. Then, while he’s burning, I want a dog to bite him. I want no harm to come to the dog. It is a quick dog.
There’s a guy who does pushups while cameras capturing him doing pushups. There’s a guy from Chicago who owns a grocery store and he winks at me.
There’s a guy named Colton who plays football while wearing camouflage. That’s smart because then the other team can’t see him. Colton had to leave the NFL because of concussions. He has a charity that gives special vests to kids with Cystic Fibrosis and I think that is a very good thing. Colton also has a cute, old dog and oh my god I actually like one of the contestants.
There are other guys who do and say other things. Becca meets them all as they arrive in limos and do embarrassing things so we’ll remember them. Chris Harrison meets Becca in front of the Bachelor mansion. Chris Harrison is still the worst. Some things never change.
One guys gives Becca a party popper and says, “Let’s start this off with a bang.” Clay, the football player says that Becca would be “the biggest catch of my life.” Then he says, “I will catch you inside.” The next guy is a butcher and says, “It’s nice to meat you.” Ok, the last one isn’t true, but it’s an upset that it didn’t happen.
Everyone keeps saying, “Let’s do the damn thing.” That must be something Becca said last season, but I can’t remember. I try to block everything out.
There’s a guy named Leo and he’s a stunt man. Leo has super long, luxurious hair. Leo looks like the kind of guy who is going to hit on a Bachelorette intern off-camera the first night.
It turns out, Jordan, the guy I want to die in a fire, is a male model. He has the personality of a table saw. Jordan will last a very long time to make sure I’m as angry as possible this season.
Some guy pulls up in a minivan and ABC pipes in fake race car noises because they’re bored. I’m bored too, ABC. Pipe in fart noises or something. A guy named Blake rides in on an ox. Where did he get an ox? Can you rent an ox? Have I been missing ox rental places? Did ABC give him the ox? Can you just tell ABC that you want an ox and they’ll just get it for you? Answer me!
There’s a guy named Jason from Seattle. I guess he’s actually from Buffalo because Jason makes it to the hometown dates and they filmed his hometown dates in Buffalo. We will be keeping track of Jason’s journey because people keep emailing me stuff about him. Buffalo loves it when people from Buffalo are on the shows they watch. It’s science. While I know Jason makes it to the top 3, I do not know if he wins. I honestly don’t care. I’m sure a bunch of you will email me and tell me his fate. I do not ask for this. Save your emails. If you want to send me anything, send nudes.
One of the guys arrives in a hearse. His name is Christian. He hops out of the hearse and tells Becca that he “literally died” when he found out she was the Bachelorette. So, Christian doesn’t understand what literally means.
And, to top it all off, David arrives in a chicken suit. I hate this show so much and I hate you for reading these words.
The cocktail party is next. Becca gathers her 28 boyfriends and tells them she has a lot of love to give. I hope she has a lot of love to give because she has 28 boyfriends. If you didn’t have a lot of love to give, you shouldn’t have 28 boyfriends.
Connor grabs Becca first. They drink champagne. So far, we’re moving at breakneck speed. While Becca talks to some of her boyfriends, the other boyfriends hang out in mansion rooms to talk and become friends. There’s more to this show than love. It’s also about making friends with the other guys dating your girlfriend. Let this be a lesson for you kids out there; when your girlfriend is talking to other guys, always make friends with the other guys she is also dating. To not do so would be rude.
A former Harlem Globetrotter sets up a basketball hoop, has Becca hold a ball, and then dunks over her. I’m no Romeo, but I don’t think you dunk on a girl if you want to win her over. After he dunks on her, the other boyfriends come out and there is 4 minutes of terrible basketball footage. I wish a wolf would break into my house and eat my eyes.
After basketball, a guy reads Becca a poem. I miss the basketball. The poem rhymes. It’s super rhymey. Becca loves her poem. She also liked being dunked on so there’s no telling what she’s really into.
Blake takes Becca aside. Blake has also been dumped. Becca likes Blake because he’s been dumped. She relates to his super dumpedness. Let this be a lesson to you kids out there, if you want to win a girl over, be dumped. They love that! I make it a point to never talk to a girl unless a different girl has dumped me minutes beforehand.
The chicken guy talks to Becca. She likes chicken guy. Becca likes the chicken guy because he’s true to himself. Chicken guy has not been recently dumped, so I don’t know how long he’ll last. If he really wanted to win, he should have been dumped in the chicken suit. He’d be a shoe in!
Garret teaches Becca to fly fish in the mansion swimming pool. She’s not wearing camouflage, so there’s no chance she catches a fish. Also, there are no fish in the pool. Becca is learning nothing.
A guy named Chris R. knows something about Chase. He says Chase is here for the wrong reasons, because a girl told Chris R. that Chase is here for the wrong reasons. WE’RE ONLY AN HOUR IN AND A GUY IS ALREADY HERE FOR THE WRONG REASONS!
Chris R. pulls Chase aside to get the story. Chase explains that he hardly knew Chris R.’s wrong-reasoned source. Chase says that he’s here for Becca. This is tough, you guys. I don’t know if I can trust Chase. I tell you what, I’m going to keep an eye on Chase to see if he’s on the level. I’ll report back to you guys if I see him so much as attempt to be wrong-reasoned. If he wrong-reasons in any way, I’m going to drop a hammer on him! You guys know me. I keep it 100.
Chris R. tells Becca the story and gets it out into the open. It’s super out-in-the-openy. Becca doesn’t know what to think. It’s too bad she’s not back in Minnesota. She’d be able to walk around and think. There’s nowhere to walk and think in this mansion. It’s like ABC doesn’t even care.
Chase attempts to smooth things over. ABC plays dramatic ‘Smooth Over’ music. The Chase situation (as it will now be known) is unresolved.
Becca pulls Jake aside. He’s the guy she knew from Minneapolis. Becca doesn’t like Jake so she dumps him. Becca works fast. Jake says that he’s a different person than a year ago. He even refers to himself in the first person, so you know it’s serious. Jake accepts his dumping and gets dumped. Becca walks Jake out. Now he’s even a more different Jake. It’s like Jake 3.0. The good news is, Becca will like Jake more because he’s been dumped. He should go back into the mansion and re-introduce himself as a man who was recently dumped. Becca would be all over him.
Now, Becca only has, like 27 boyfriends. She’s practically single.
The other boyfriends are blown away. They can’t believe Becca dumped a guy 20 seconds before she dumps a bunch of other guys. It’s clear she’s not messing around with her dumpings.
A guy named Lincoln with a Harry Potter tattoo tells Becca that he’ll protect her heart. He stole that from Casey Mumbles, a former Bachelorette contestant. I’m not going to explain to you who Casey Mumbles is. You should just know. It’d be like explaining who Zeus is.
Becca grabs the first impression rose and gives it to Garret. The fly fishing lesson must have gone well, even though she didn’t catch any fish. I own the same tie as Garret. I think I got it at Express for Men. I don’t think you should wear a tie from Express for Men on ‘The Bachelorette.’ You gotta be better than that. No one on TV should have the same clothes as me, unless it’s a t-shirt with gravy stains on it.
Chris Harrison breaks up the party by clanking a fork on a glass. It’s one of his moves. His other move is to constantly be the worst human being alive.
The rose ceremony is next. Becca will now dump a bunch of other boyfriends. She broke the dump seal, so this should come easily to her.
Becca thanks her boyfriends and tells them she’s thankful for the 20 seconds she has spent with them. The boyfriends all nod because Becca spits truth.
We knew Jason, the Buffalo/Seattle guy, was going to make it because he gets a hometown date and it’s the only reason I’m still recapping this. Becca dumps Chase, but doesn’t dump Chris R. Chris R. told Becca that Chase wasn’t here for the right reasons and she believed Chris R. Becca did not believe Chase. I guess she doesn’t think risks are worth the chase. The Chase situation has been resolved.
Becca does not dump the chicken guy, because he’s super down to earth. You guys should all be running out to buy chicken suits right now. In all, six boyfriends get dumped. This was a super dumpy rose ceremony. The whole mansion stinks of dumpings. It’s fitting for this show.
I can’t believe you read down this far. I hope you’re enjoying something that causes me physical pain. I’ll never forgive you for reading this.