Tonight, Becca is traveling to the hometowns of her four boyfriends. She’s narrowed down her search for a 6-month engagement to four men. Each of them is completely indistinguishable from the other. I’ve been watching this show for weeks and I can’t tell you a single thing about any of them, other than the fact that one of them is from Seattle but they say he’s from Buffalo. It’s the fourth last episode of this terrible show that I’ll ever recap. I cannot wait until it’s over. It’s soul crushing. It’s ‘The Bachelorette’.
Becca starts in Manteca, California, the hometown of Garrett. I can never remember if Garet has 1 T or 2 T’s in his name so I change it up every time I type it.
To show how rugged and farmy Garrett is, ABC puts him in a field. You can tell he’s a super down-to-earth farmer by his gelled hair and designer jeans.
Becca rushes to make out with Garret. They make out. It’s slurpy. Then, they sit on the back of a tractor and plant tomatoes. I’m not kidding, we actually watch two people plant tomatoes. I don’t even care if you don’t believe me, that’s what they do. They plant tomatoes. You should seriously stop reading this recap now, because it’s just going to be more of that. It certainly doesn’t get better.
When they’re done planting tomatoes, Garret brings Becca over to an open part of the field. Bachelorette interns have prepared a rose bush to be planted. Garrett acts like it was his idea. Becca and Garrret plant the rose bush into the open hole that Bachelorette interns have dug. It’s symbolic of the emptiness of this program.
Becca likes that Garett is super blue-collar farmer. She says, “You look so sexy driving this tractor.” They’re moving 2 miles per hour.
Becca tells the camera, “I think that Garret will be a sexy dad.” That’ll be nice for their kids. What kid wouldn’t want a sexy dad? I know, when I used to bring girls home to meet my parents, I would always hope that the girl was sexually attracted to my dad. It just makes everything easier. You get further in life with a sexy dad.
Next, we go to a house to meet Garrrettt’s family. Garret walks in with a big smile to greet his family. He flashes a gang sign to his brother, making a weird scissor-type motion near his eye. His brother returns the gang sign. They must be talking about how they both secretly ran with scissors as children. We’ll never know, UNTIL THE MEN TELL ALL EPISODE!
Garret goes into the other room with her sister. She’s able to speak for 11 seconds before she breaks down in tears. Garrett’s sister doesn’t want her brother to get hurt. It’s weird because, that’s all my sisters ever wanted. They prayed that I’d get hurt, every day.
Garrettt’s dad sits down with Becca. He says nice things about his son and nice things to Becca. Now, ABC has teased us with footage of Garrett’s mom being terrible to Becca. We’re led to believe she pretty much grabs a shotgun and refuses to allow her son to date Becca. What actually happens is, she asks Becca three questions and nods at the answers and then tells the camera that she loves Becca. I hate ABC.
The Buffalo date is next! The only reason I’m still doing this. Jason, who isn’t really from Buffalo, meets Becca at the rose garden in Delaware Park. It’s nice because we know it’s April but Buffalo is still covered in snow. Way to represent, Nickel City!
To make sure I’m good and angry, Jason brings Becca to Anchor Bar TO EAT CHICKEN WINGS! That’s all we do in Buffalo is eat chicken wings! We’re so nuts! They ask Becca if she puts ranch of blue cheese on her chicken wings and Becca says blue cheese. The crowd at the Anchor Bar roars. Now America knows how much we love blue cheese and how much we hate ranch. It’s awesome because now no one will try to bring ranch dressing to Buffalo. We’re free, you guys!
Next is a stupid chicken wing eating contest. It’s funny because, right before I started watching this show, I was in a chicken wing eating contest. That’s all we do here is compete in chicken wing eating contests. We don’t even have jobs, we all just eat chicken wings while someone stands next to us with a stop watch. I can’t read because our school only taught the correct method to put blue cheese on a wing and then eat it quickly.
While Jason is eating chicken wings, Becca tells the camera, “Jason is so full of life.” My wife never says that about me when I’m eating anything. Becca likes the way Jason pushes chicken parts into his mouth.
Next, they go to the hockey rink next to the Key Bank Center, because ABC doesn’t have enough clout to make the Sabres re-freeze their rink for their stupid show. Jason and Becca skate around. They play hockey. Sports quota filled. The game is, if Jason scores on Becca, he gets to kiss her. Jason hasn’t figured out that Becca would jam her tongue down a man’s throat just for finishing the JUMBLE in the newspaper. Jason scores and they make out. Becca wasn’t even wearing a goalie mask. She’s like Terry Sawchuk.
Next, Becca and Jason sit in the stands and talk while their noses fill up with snot because hockey rinks are freezing cold. They talk and there’s talking. Next, they make out while ABC plays soft ‘Jason and Becca have snot in their nose’ music. After rubbing frozen snot all over each other, Jason takes Becca for a ride on a Zamboni. ABC has tons of originality. I would have never guessed they’d eat chicken wings AND ride a Zamboni.
It’s nighttime. Keep up! Jason takes Becca to a house and I don’t know who’s house it is because none of these people live in Buffalo. The family hugs Becca. One of Jason’s brothers says, “Welcome to Buffalo” and he probably had to look at the word Buffalo written on his arm because he couldn’t remember where he was. I don’t really know. He might be from Buffalo. I refuse to research anything. No one is even reading this.
Jason’s parents talk to Becca. They tell her that Jason is super guarded because he doesn’t like having his heart broken. What kind of idiot doesn’t like having his heart broken? Jason is so different and special. I try to get my heart broken daily.
Jason’s dad isn’t a typical Buffalo dad because he seems nice. I’m not used to that. The mom is nice too. There’s no way they’re really parents. They must be paid actors. Jason’s brothers and brothers-in-law seem way too happy to be alive. I think ABC gave them a bunch of coke before the show. The one who looks like Egon from Ghostbusters asks Jason if he’s ready to be engaged. Jason says, and you’ll want to sit down, that he’s totally ready to be engaged. I didn’t see that coming.
I will say this about the Buffalo hometown date. Buffalo houses look amazing on TV. Those gorgeous old homes look so much better than the cold McMansions they usually throw families into. We might not love ranch dressing like the rest of the country, but we have great housing! We’re talking proud!
On the porch, Jason tells Becca that he loves her. He says that he wasn’t afraid to tell Becca that he loves her because he felt it in his heart. Whoa, this guy isn’t protecting his heart very well. He needs a lesson from Casey Mumbles. I will not explain the Casey Mumbles reference. Google it.
Becca likes that Jason loves her. She doesn’t say she loves him, but she licks the inside of his throat with her tongue. That’s a good sign. Let this be a lesson to you kids at home, if a woman licks the inside of your throat, she probably likes you a lot.
We’re in Bailey, Colorado. Keep up! Becca is there to meet Blake’s family. We’re all here to meet Blake’s family. We’re ALL SO LUCKY TO BE ON THIS JOURNEY WITH BECCA!
They drive around Bailey. ABC shows us some trees, so you know it’s Colorado. Blake stops at his high school because ABC does this every year. They had an idea one season and will never think of a new one. Blake shows Becca pictures of himself from high school. They tour the school. It’s empty, so it’s easy to get around.
Blake walks into a classroom and one of his old coaches is there. It’s kind of weird that this coach was just hanging out in the room of an empty school. I’m not sure how they do things in Colorado. Maybe that’s normal.
The happy couple sits in a library. Blake gets serious and tells Becca the story of how there was a school shooting in his high school. ABC doesn’t even play serious music because it’s actually a pretty serious story about a tragic incident. Blake talks about how the school shooting changed his outlook on life and then ABC chimes in with ‘Blake’s outlook has changed’ music. Becca thanks Blake for his school shooting story.
After the school shooting story, Blake brings Becca to the auditorium for a concert by Becca’s favorite singer Betty Who. I thought it was Pink but my wife yelled at me and told me it’s not Pink, it’s Betty Who and now we’re not talking. Becca dances and has fun. ABC was quick to follow their school shooting recap with a fun concert. Everyone has fun. It’s fun. You guys had fun too, admit it!
Blake takes Becca to meet his family. Betty Who doesn’t go with them, for some reason. Blake’s mom tells the camera that Blake got his heart broken in a past relationship and she doesn’t want that to happen again. These moms are so protective! None of them want their son’s heart to be broken. It’s disrespectful to Becca. She’s the Bachelorette and should be allowed to break as many hearts as she wants.
Blake’s mom asks if he’s ready to get engaged. He says he is and it’s so nuts. Imagine getting engaged to your girlfriend! Blake’s mom says that her biggest fear is that Blake has his heart broken again. My biggest fear is an armed maniac breaking into my home at night and standing over our bed while we sleep, then bludgeoning us to death with a porcelain vase while we scream out and beg for an explanation we never get, but having your son’s heart get broke is scary too.
Blake’s dad is also worried that his son will his heart broken. Don’t these people have anything better to do? Do they just sit around all day and think about their son’s unbroken heart? Answer me!
Becca’s mom asks Becca not to break her son’s heart. This is monotonous. Becca tells Blake’s mom that she’ll try not to break Blake’s heart. It’s a nice thing to say.
Blake walks Becca out to the car. It’s snowing, so Blake has an umbrella. Ok, you do not use an umbrella in the snow. I officially want Blake to lose and also injure his ankle while walking through the snow, holding an umbrella.
Colton’s hometown date is next. I’m not sure why I’m telling you this because you didn’t read down this far. Because he’s an angelic virgin, Colton takes Becca to a children’s hospital. There are adorable children there and they all love Colton because Colton is the best. How does Colton not win this game show? There’s no way this guy doesn’t lay pipe all over Indianapolis.
Next, Becca and Colton hang out on a bench. It’s not at all exciting. Colton tells Becca that he’s never brought home a woman ever. He says, as a virgin, he takes pride in who he brings home. I mean, it’s hard to have sex if you never bring anyone home. Maybe he should lower his ‘Bring Home’ standards. He’d get laid more often.
We’re back from commercial. ABC shows us the moon. Becca is nervous to meet Colton’s family. She wants to know why he’s a virgin. Maybe he’ll get her in the door and just instantly have sex with her. That would be worth watching.
Colton’s family is huge. Being a virgin must not run in the family. Colton’s dad bring up the Tia situation. Do you guys even remember the Tia situation? That was so long ago! Tia is Becca’s friend who Colton used to date. That’s the Tia situation. How weird for Colton’s dad to bring that up. Colton’s dad will not ease up for the cameras.
Colton’s dad talks to Becca alone. He immediately brings up Tia. His dad is a hammer thrower! He also asks her about Arie. He asks the tough questions! Colton’s dad should work for Channel 2 news!
During the preview footage, ABC shows Colton’s dad telling Becca that he wants her to dump Colton. It was a trick to make us all be, “Oh no he didn’t!” But, what actually happens is, Colton’s dad paused for a half-second and then said, “unless you’re serious about him.” So, ABC is a bunch of liars.
After they’re done familying, Colton takes Becca out on the porch to make out with her. They make out. Colton tells Becca that he’s in love with her. He’s, like, the fourth person to tell her that this week. If I were Becca, I’d be so sick of hearing that men were in love with me. I mean, I can see two people loving me, but four is absurd. I’ve got things to do, I can’t just sit around being loved all day. It sounds exhausting.
All of the dates are over and there’s still a half-hour left. There’s hasn’t been any content. What kind of content is there when the no-content part of the content is over? ABC knows! They bring out a bunch of dumped people to chat with Becca about her journey. Former Bachelorette flunkies ask her questions about her remaining men in a desperate attempt to be on TV for 11 more seconds. This portion of the show is especially terrible. The women all talk at once and then squeal when Becca says something about a guy. It’s giving me a migraine. ABC is also doing this weird thing where they’re zooming too closely on the women’s facing. You can see their pores. Why are they zooming in so close? Why do I need to see the blood vessels working in their faces?
Tia is there. She pulls Becca aside to talk about her past relationship with Colton. Tia says that she hopes Becca finds love with the other guys, but not Colton. Tia still has feelings for Colton. She doesn’t like that Becca likes Colton. ABC plays dark and dramatic ‘Tia still loves Colton’ music. This development is terrible! How could ABC do this to Tia? She’s been so strong through the whole Tia situation. The Tia situation is no longer a situation, it’s a gate! This is Tia-gate! This is the worst thing to ever happen to Earth!
Becca doesn’t know what to do about Tia-gate. She though the Tia situation was over, and here it has escalated. Becca doesn’t want to lose her friend, but she has feelings for Colton. Tia-gate will destroy us all.
The rose ceremony is next. Becca is still gripping about Tia-gate. She likes Colton and isn’t sure if she should dump him for Tia. Becca goes up on a roof and thinks about Colton. She also thinks about Tia. Becca has so much thinking to do, you guys. This woman is a warrior.
Because there’s a lot of time to waste, Chris Harrison greets each of the boyfriends individually while ABC plays dramatic rose ceremony music. They’re acting like the man sent home tonight will be sacrificed on an altar. They just go home to have sex with the women. It’ll be fine!
Colton stops Chris Harrison before heading to the rose ceremony. He asks Chris Harrison if you really have to have sex in the Fantasy Suite. Chris Harrison tells Colton that he doesn’t have to have sex in the Fantasy Suite if he doesn’t want to. It’s a nice thing to say. Colton is relieved and walks over to his place for the rose ceremony. Colton is super virginy!
The rose ceremony begins. Becca gives out two roses and Chris Harrison walks out to tell everyone who can’t count to three that there’s only one rose left. Next, Becca dumps Colton, the virgin. Wow, Tia-gate comes to a super dramatic conclusion! At least Colton can have sex with Tia now. It’s what I’ve wanted from the start. It’s what you guys wanted from the start too, admit it.
Becca walks Colton out after dumping him. She tells Colton that his dad asked her to dump him. So, now Colton can blame his dad. Colton cries and tells Becca that he just wanted to be able to fall in love. ABC plays sad music, but it’s not really sad because Tia is waiting. I hope ABC has a special 2-hour episode of the Bachelor where Colton just has sex with Tia while a couple of camera guys stand 3 feet away, taping it. Oh wait, that’s porn. They probably won’t do that.
Colton gets into his dump limo and tells the camera that he’s shocked. That’s what they all say. How could you go on TV and date a woman dating 27 other men, and then be shocked when she dumps you? Read the tea leaves! Keep up, virgin!
Jason, the guy from Seattle who they say is from Buffalo, makes it to the top three, which means I still have to recap. Next week, Becca will have sex with her three remaining boyfriends. Good thing she ditched the virgin. There’s no place for Virgins in a Fantasy Suite! If this Fantasy Suite is a-rockin’, don’t come a’knockin! I hate you guys for reading these.