Making a room full of puppies even better

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My dog is not eligible for Puppy Bowl

If I were to tell you that I could somehow make a room full of puppies even better, would you believe me?

You should… because I spent 2 hours coming up with a scoring system for a Puppy Bowl Fantasy Draft.

There are 39 starting puppies in this weekend’s Puppy Bowl X on Animal Planet. It’s cute-tastic. Our friends at Store 716 have agreed to donate a prize for a winning Puppy Bowl Fantasy team. Our initial idea is to come up with 13 teams. With 39 starting puppies, each team will draft 3 puppies. This will make Puppy Bowl an excellent viewing experience.

Here’s te scoring system I have come up with. If you’ve ever watched Puppy Bowl before, I hope you really appreciate how awesome this is.

Puppy Bowl Fantasy Scoring

7 points for a touchdown – There are actual touchdowns. There were 7 touchdowns scored in Puppy Bowl IX and they were scored by 7 different puppies. In the instance that two dogs both drag a toy into the end zone, they will each receive 7 points.

5 points for a penalty – The ref must throw the flag to present a puppy as a guilty party. Penalties include unnecessary cuteness, unnecessary Ruff-ness, and intentional growling. Sometimes the ref will throw a flag at all of the puppies on the field. In that case, every dog on the field gets 5 points.

Total rushing yards – Only positive yards count. I will measure when a toy was picked up and how many yards forward the dog brings the toy. If two dogs are engaged with the same toy, they will both get a point for each yard. Again, only positive yards are counted. No forward progress. The rushing attempt is calculated by the point at which the dogs pick up the ball + the amount of yards they move in the original direction… Unless the puppy scores a touchdown on the rush. If a rushing attempt results in a touchdown, I will calculate yards from the point at which the puppy changed directions to reach the end zone. Got it?

Rushing yards must be featured as rushing attempts by the Puppy Bowl announcing crew. I can’t keep track of every instance of rushing.

5 points for any dog who is the focus of a slow-motion ‘Cute Cam’ feature Sometimes, they’ll show slow-motion replay footage that is NOT ‘Cute Cam’. You do not get points for ordinary non-‘Cute Cam’ slow-motion footage. The announcer will name a dog before throwing it to cute cam. That is the dog who gets 5 points. Any dog mentioned by name during the ‘Cute Cam’ footage gets the points.

5 points for Nameplate Feature– If your puppy gets a nameplate graphic posted on the screen at any point in time AFTER it’s announced in the starting line-up, you get 5 points.

I don’t even want to go into detail how hard it’s going to be to score this, but it is possible. I watched hours of Puppy Bowl coverage to come up with this.

Q: What do I need to do, Greg?

A: Nothing

You just send an email to greg@gregbcomedy.com and tell me you want in on the Puppy Bowl Fantasy League. I’ll take it from there. No money is involved but the winner will land a sweet t-shirt from our friends at store716.com! Again, if you want to prep, here is the starting roster.

Once emailed Kraft because they stopped carrying a salad dressing that he liked.

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