I Can’t Control My Eyebrow

Sean Lowe has only 6 girlfriends remaining on his thrill ride of love-seekin’ known as ‘The Bachelor’. If you’re new to the show, 6 girlfriends is practically no girlfriends. There is almost no sense in getting up in the morning if you only have 6 girlfriends. You can hardly canoe or climb down buildings or mountains with just 6 girlfriends. But, that’s ABC, she is a ruler of Sean’s love life. ABC gives with one hand and takes away with the other. All of Sean’s girlfriends are named ‘Lindsay’.

I haven’t said much about Sean this season. He certainly has not been the focal point with the ‘Tierrarist’ doing her thing and all. Sean seems nice enough. He’s not the stuffy kind of person who insists on always wearing a shirt. Sean’s like Bill Pullman. He’s just kind of there.

All of Sean’s girlfriends have two arms so, this week should be interesting. He’s flown his harem to the tropical island of St. Croix. They’re going to jump off of yachts, build connections, drink, and, I’m told, one or more of the girls tells Sean that she loves him. It’s a bold, pointless move. I hope it goes well for them.

There will be three 1-on-1 dates and a group date. I remember how difficult this point of the dating process was for my parents.  By this point, my Mom was so sick of the group dates and just wanted more alone time with my Dad. They would always sneak away with some camera guys, a boom mic operator, a light operator, a producer, and some interns and get in a hot tub after a stylist fixed their hair and make-up and the sound guy tested out their mics. They got through it all though and they’ve been married for 52 years.

Sean flies them in on a sea plane. He says, “How many times can you fly into St. Croix on a sea plane?” I don’t have an answer because– who plans that far ahead? The girls set up camp in their luxurious hotel and the terrible Tierra grabs a roll-away cot to put it in a separate room so she doesn’t have to be around the other girls. It’s dramatic.

AshLee gets the first 1-on-1 date. AshLee is 32-years old. Tierra makes fun of how old AshLee is and the rest of the girls get mad. It’s dramatic. And, by the way, I’m not spelling AshLee’s name wrong, her parents did.

They swim out to a yacht to play. Sean and AshLee are getting closer. He says, “Ever since AshLee allowed me to lead her blindfolded in Canada, I’ve seen another side to her.”

“Ever since AshLee allowed me to lead her blindfolded in Canada, I’ve seen another side to her.” – The greatest quote in Bachelor History.

While Sean is telling the camera about AshLee’s vulnerability and strength, ABC shows her taking off her shorts, revealing to America her bikini bod. I’m not making that up.

Back at the hotel, the rest of the girls sit on chairs and complain about Tierra. Lesley says, “I want to roll away her roll-away bed into the ocean.”

Sean and AshLee jump into the ocean. (Did I already type that? Keep up!) They sit on a beach on their own private island and AshLee warns Sean how awful Tierra is. Then, they play in the water more. There is a ton of making out in front of the camera. Luckily, the ocean drowns out the slurping.

At night, they drink more on a beach. Where the hell are all of the tourists? Do they shut down an entire region of the world for this piece of crap show? Answer me!

There’s more talking later about stuff. AshLee has something major to tell Sean. The music gets seriously major. AshLee says she just wants to hurry up and tell him and get it over with. Sean nods. AshLee again says that she’ll just say it real quick and get it over with. She’s contradicting herself. AshLee finally tells Sean that she used to be married when she was 17, but it was her mother’s fault. It makes sense. I turn and say to my wife, “That makes sense”. The music gets all soft again and it’s a huge relief.

Sean doesn’t care that AshLee was married because, seriously, it makes sense. They make out. There is moderate slurping.

AshLee shouts out loud that she loves Sean. They hug and Sean doesn’t say that he loves AshLee because, even if he did, ABC won’t let him. AshLee says that she loves Sean about 12 more times.

Tierra gets the next 1-on-1 date, even though she is mean. The other girls act like they’re excited. The date card, which is NOT delivered by Chris Harrison, says that Tierra is going to walk the streets with Sean. One of the girls is jealous and says, “I’m jelly belly”. I’m probably going to say that instead of ‘jealous’ from now on.

Tierra is less than excited because she wanted a more extravagant date. She acts like a spoiled brat to make America angrier. It works. I hear my neighbors yelling.

There is walking around and shopping. A St. Croix parade rolls right through the middle of their 1-on-1 date because ABC paid for it to happen. If you go to St. Croix, don’t just expect a parade to roll through the middle of your 1-on-1 date… unless that sort of thing does happen. I don’t know. I’ve never been there.

Tierra is wearing a strange necklace. It’s a sideways crucifix. I can’t tell if it is a real crucifix that is just hanging sideways but, it looks like it’s supposed to sit that way. It’s like Jesus fell over on his cross when he saw how bad this show is. ABC really raised the bar for terrible television if they fastened a crooked symbol of faith around their villain’s neck. That’s some upper-level character development there. Bravo, ABC. Bravo.

Sean and Tierra talk and there is talking. She says that she isn’t mean to the other girls and that they’re mean to her. Tierra is lying and, I say that. I stand up and I yell, “She’s lying, Sean! Don’t fall for it!” But, then I remember that the show is taped and Sean can’t hear me from Buffalo.

At night, there’s more drinking at a Sugar Mill. Tierra turns on the charm to further woo Sean. She tells him that she’s falling for him and he should take that into consideration. She says she’s falling in love with him and does it in the whisper ‘growly’ talk, so you know it’s real. Sean falls for it… for now.

The group date is next. Sean sneaks into the hotel room, which is rapey. He wakes them up to bring them somewhere before they’ve showered or put make-up on. It’s, like, 3 o’clock in the morning. I wouldn’t want to date anyone at 3 o’clock in the morning.

The girls are worried that they’re ugly and not showered. Catherine isn’t worried. Catherine says what I want all women to say, “I just need to pee and I’m good to go.”

They jump in a certified Bachelor jeep and drive as far East as you can go in America, so they’re the first 4 Americans to see the sunrise. Its super romantic until you consider the billions of Chinese who saw the sunrise a day ago.

When they’re done looking at the sun, Sean takes them to that Sugar Mill. This must be some Sugar Mill. They’re there for 3 seconds. There’s more jeep driving and a donkey. Please try to keep up.

They stop to drink and then jump back in the jeep, which is a great example for kids. There’s a bunch of talking. They stop at the other side of the island to watch the sun set. Sean takes off his shirt. They play in the water. I think about joining the Peace Corp.

Sean and wedding dress girl have a chat that viewers can’t hear over the roar of the ocean. They make out in front of his two other girlfriends. It’s not awkward, in the way that it’s not awkward when the grocery store cashier puts your change directly into your pocket.

Sean has another ocean dominated talk, this time with Catherine. She tells a tragic story about her Dad trying to kill himself, because that’s what Bachelor contestants do. Sean does a good job of groping her bikini-clad skin during this very personal account. I get choked up.

Dez (she’s Dez now) tells Sean that she loves her family. She cries a lot. There are pelicans.

While the sun is setting, Sean gives a rose to Lind-Z. The other two girls smile because they’re happy that their boyfriend is so happy with their girlfriend. This show is messed up. The sun sets but they don’t see it because of the clouds. It’s like a metaphor for how Sean can’t see that Tierra is a liar. I yell that. I yell to Sean, “It’s a metaphor! The sun you can’t see is the liar you can’t realize, Sean!” But my pleas can’t travel through time.

Lesley gets the final 1-on-1. She’s excited. She says, “I could be locked in a closet with Sean and it would still be amazing”. I don’t know. That would have to be some closet.

Bachelor producers take them to Mount Washington, which I always thought was in Washington. Lesley loves Sean and says that she can’t believe she’s going to be one of those girls on the Bachelor who tell the Bachelor that they love him. Well, she’s that girl. She loves Sean and she’s not going to let my snarky disapproval stop her.

Lesley chickens out when she gets the chance to tell Sean she loves him. Sean has been told by Bachelor producers that Lesley wants to tell him, so he keeps prodding her. He’s all, “So… anything you want to tell me?” She doesn’t tell him. They pick fruit and a cat walks by. That’s the whole date. Lesley doesn’t tell Sean that she loves him. It’s stupid.

Speaking of stupid, Sean’s sister shows up on the island to have a pointless conversation that will eat up 12 minutes. Sean’s sister is wise in the ways of relationships. I learn a lot. Where the hell is Chris Harrison? Doesn’t he handle these ego-boosting conversations? Does Chris Harrison have strep throat? Is he okay? It’s hard because, Chris Harrison would be the one to interrupt the show and tell us all that Chris Harrison is sick. But, Chris Harrison can’t tell us that Chris Harrison is sick because Chris Harrison is sick. It’s a paradox. We need a Chris Harrison hologram for situations like this. Why am I the only one who thinks ahead? Answer me!

There’s more talking and Sean agrees to bring Tierra over to meet his sister. This way, his sister can tell if Tierra is the devil.

Meanwhile, girls are fighting. Tierra and AshLee fight because AshLee told Sean bad things. AshLee gets ready to fight by saying, “You want to get nitty gritty? Then let’s get nitty gritty!” She stole that line from Upton Sinclair.

They fight about stuff. Tierra gets mad and end the conversation. She walks away while flapping her fingers. It’s dramatic… and effective. When I’m done with a conversation, and I’m telling someone I’m done with a conversation, I always do a little ‘duck-quack’ flap motion with my fingers, this way, the person knows for certain that I’m done with the conversation.

The argument is not over. It spills into the other room. They argue more about their argument. ABC rolls in soft ‘storm clouds moving in’ music through the beginning of their argument and then puts their foot on the gas with heavy, guitar laden ‘bleep is getting real’ music. It gets real. There is so much shouting.

Tierra yells something about no one taking away her sparkle. She’s mad about the fact that she can’t be herself in the house. She tries to explain why she’s such a brat and accidentally stumbles into the new greatest quote in Bachelor history.
“I can’t control my eyebrow. I cannot control my eyebrow.”- The greatest quote in Bachelor history

‘I can’t control my eyebrow’ is now the new greatest quote in Bachelor history. There’s more screaming and Sean walks in right at the end of the scream-fest because Bachelor producers told him, “Hey, they’re screaming at each other. Get up there!”

Sean was going to take Tierra to meet his sister but, she’s busy crying about her argument. Sean consoles her and a Bachelor producer whispers, “It’s time to dump her. Her contract is up”. Sean dumps Tierra. He says, “I care so much for you that it’s time for you to leave”. I’m not making that up.

Sean sneaks Tierra out the back door and pushes her into the ‘I have been dumped’ Bachelor van. Winners leave in limos. Losers leave in the van. Tierra cries a ton. She feels sabotaged. ABC does not play the song ‘Sabotage’.

Tierra talks more about her sparkle and it is seriously hilarious. It’s hard to keep up because of all the snot but, I think she says, “Nobody will take my sparkle away. I’m not letting that happen.”
Holy cow, guys. Do you think that there’s a chance we were all wrong about Tierra and that, maybe she just had a sparkle and we were all trying to take that sparkle away? I hope Tierra never loses her sparkle.

Chris Harrison finally rolls out of bed and shows up. He tells them what’s what. One girl is going home. Four girls are bringing Sean back home to poison their families with Reality television. There is no cocktail party. Nobody gets drunk anymore. This show is stupid.

Sean dumps Lesley. It hurts Lesley. She says, “Rejection hurts. It does. It sucks. It doesn’t feel good. It sucks. It does.” I nod, kiss my fingers, and then kiss my sideways crucifix necklace.

Next week, is the most dramatic thing ever. Sean gets yelled at by a guy and ABC shows a close-up of someone’s fist so, you know it’s off the hizza! This guy is going to try to take away Sean’s sparkle.

Greg Bauch is opening for Mike Birbiglia at Helium Comedy Club Thursday, Friday and Saturday.