When I was 7, my family stayed at the old Sheraton hotel, next to the plot of land that would eventually become the Galleria Mall. I was left alone with my brother Donny in the hotel pool. Donny decided it would be fun to continually throw me into the deep end and not allow me to escape. If I swam to the side of the pool to rest, heâd rush over and toss me back into the middle. I remember trying to breathe with water in my nose and throat. I eventually became too tired to tread water and sank to the bottom. Donny pulled me out, told me not to tell Mom and Dad, and punched me.
I would gladly go back and re-live that night rather than endure the torture ABC has beset itâs faithful; back-to-back nights of two-hour Bachelor episodes. Even Donny eventually pulled me out of the pool.
I donât understand the logic behind two episodes in one week. Maybe Â ABC knows that years of recapping this crap has pushed me to the edge of insanity and theyâre going in for the kill shot. Maybe theyâre just worried about Sean finding love. Either way, youâre getting two recaps this week. I canât promise they wonât suck. I am, after all, recapping crap. Iâm reCRAPing! Get it? Jerks.
Sean Lowe only has 11 girlfriends left. All of his girlfriends hate one of his girlfriends. The one they hate is named Tierra. Sheâs tierrable.
Chris Harrison walks in and says, âLadies, there are 11 of you, congratulations." He seriously says that. Harrison announces that the whole show is moving to Montana. The girls gasp and cheer like theyâve been told theyâre getting free diamonds in Las Vegas, not traveling to a boring, beautiful place without electricity. (Editorâs note: Greg knows nothing about Montana .)
Sean takes the same plane that Arnold Schwarzenegger used in âCommandoâ to fly to Montana. He says, âMontana is definitely going to test some of the women." Itâs true. The girls are tested. Tierra has to swat away a bug. I almost fainted.
This show is super fun but itâs also totally serious. There will be a 1-on-1 date, a group date, and a dreaded 2-on-1 date where one of the girls gets dumped after dinner. I would like to take a moment to point out that the purpose of this show supposedly is for a man to find his wife.
Lindsay gets the first 1-on-1 date. They go outside of the log cabin and jump inside of what Sean calls âthe most bad-ass helicopter ever." Sean has obviously never seen âAirwolf.'
Lindsay has known Sean a long time. They met a couple of weeks ago and have spent not one single moment together away from a camera crew. She says âIt feels so comfortable and real. I feel like Iâve known this guy forever.â That statement is unrealistic, at best.
They have a picnic basket and blanket set out for them by producers on top of a mountain in Glacier National Park. Theyâre there for 4 seconds before they retreat to a lodge to drink and make out in front of a fire while talking in soft âgrowlyâ voices. Sean talks about the great day they had that lasted 4 seconds. They get to know each other. Lindsay talks about the Army, or something.
Theyâve had such a good and pointless time together that Sean gives Lindsay a rose and tells her how sheâll be a great wife. Thereâs some slurpy makinâ out. It sounds like when you have food caught in the drain of your kitchen sink and the water has trouble escaping.
When making out is over, they run outside. Sarah Darling holds a private concert for the small Montana town theyâve been making out inâŚ. waitâŚ. I canât end that sentence with a prepositionâŚ for the town in which theyâve been out making? Whatever. No one reads down this far. Sean and Lindsay make out on a little carpet in front of 300 or so Montanans. Theyâre raised above the group like Pharmacists. Sarah Darling doesnât seem to mind. Sarah Darling is attractive. She looks like a Bachelor contestant. Sarah Darling may as well be a Bachelor contestant because sheâs only spent 11 fewer minutes with Sean than Lindsay.
Next comes the group date. Sean takes his group of girlfriends with an odd number of arms to a farm. Â Selma is wearing something on her head.
Daniella says, âWe see canoes and goats and hay. What is going on?â Chris Harrison tells them what is going on. Harrison calls it the âBachelor Montana Wilderness Relay Race.' Iâm guessing itâll only be a matter of time until this race becomes an Olympic event. The girls are broken down in teams. They ride canoes, saw wood and then milk goats. One of the girls has to drink the goat milk because everything on this show makes a ton of sense. The Bachelor is now âSurvivorâ and âFear Factor.'
âI will down goatâs milk to get more time with Sean."- one of Seanâs girlfriends.
While Chris Harrison is explaining the rules of the game, the girls have looks on their faces like theyâre being told they must choose which finger gets cut off.
The canoe race is first. ABC does not make Sarah with one arm canoe. The canoe race is slow and clumsy, but everyone is clearly getting to know the man theyâre trying to marry.
When both teams dock their canoes, they move on to carry hay bales. Sean learns all of their food allergies and favorite books. Next up is a pair of giant saws. They saw wood. Early in our courtship, my wife and I had a big breakthrough when she was sawing wood while I stood and watched from 30-feet away.
Milking goats comes next. My sports quota is filled. There are a ton of ânippleâ jokes because weâre all four years old.Â Please donât let my Dad ever find this recap. Models milk goats. I hate this show. The red team milks its goat quicker and hands off the goat milk to a girl who drinks it. It spills all over her face. Iâm pretty sure itâs a metaphor for something.
âThe goatâs milk was warm and it came out my nose.â- That same girl that said the other goatâs milk thing.
The losing team is unhappy because they have to go back to the log cabin to sit on the couch and complain. One of the losers says it best, âKnowing that I missed out on a deeper conversation with him, it sucks!â
The winning team cheers because they get more time with Sean. âI canât even believe this is happeningâŚ this is likeâŚ beyond all of us. This canât be happening,â says a girl who was just told sheâd get 2 more hours to share her boyfriend with a bunch of other girls. âIâm so happy to be here with red team,â says Sean, professing his happiness.
The winners hang out with Sean at a bar with couches for a couple of minutes until all hell breaks loose. Chris Harrison heads back to the log cabin to bring the losing team back to the party. There are no rules on this show. I should have believed Chris Harrison in the beginning of the season when he told us that there were no rules. This show is rule-less. I guess that there is one rule. The one rule is that you can always expect there to be no rules. If the Bachelor was a restaurant and the waitress handed you a menu, you would look the menu over and be like, âWhere are the rules?â and sheâd say, âThere are no rules. Iâm sorry.â And youâd order something else.
The winning team complains about the losing team joining their party. âI just downed goatâs milk. Iâm so livid this is happening.â- That goatâs milk girl again.
The atmosphere changes from fun cocktail party to crazy hate-fest. The girls sit on couches and complain.
Goat Milk drinking girl pulls Sean aside to brag about her ability to chug goat milk. She and Sean snuggle for 5 seconds. AshLEE comes in and snuggles. Sean and AshLEE make out. The rest of the girls complain about their snuggling. âTheyâre, like, sitting on each otherâs laps,â Daniella says, after seeing her boyfriend sitting on one of his other girlfriendâs lap. Daniella has a weird mouth. She talks like sheâs trying to keep food from falling out of her mouth. Daniella is all upset and cries. Sean makes her feel better and then he makes out with her despite the load of boogers spread across her face from her crying spat. Luckily, Bachelor producers have installed microphones on their molars so we hear each of their taste buds rubbing up against each other.
Daniella gets a rose and the rest of the girls throw beer and popcorn onto the ice. Theyâre outraged over a girl from the losing team getting a rose that was rightfully theirs through a series of canoeing and goat milking. âNot everything is roses in my world because, let me tell you, when Selma gets angry, Selma gets angry,â says Selma, I think.
Even more âdramaâ gas gets thrown on the âdramaâ fire. Tierrable sneaks out of her log cabin to steal time with Sean. She crashes the party to cuddle with Sean on a bench. She complains about her 2-on-1 date. Sean says âuhâ and âyeah." Itâs dramatic. Then, they make out.
Seanâs other girlfriends never find out about the treachery, so the world does not blow up.
Before the 2-on-1 date, Sean sits on a hill to think by himself. Horses are nearby. Jackie and Tierrable arrive in an SUV with blurred out license platesâŚ because someone out there would look up those plate numbers and do what? Can you even do something with a personâs license plate? Was it a personal license plate that had a dirty word on it? Did you guys know that no one ever answers the many questions I pose in my recaps?
The 2-on-1 date is more important than a couple of wars. One of these girls will get a rose. The other gets dumped.
They ride horses together and itâs awkward. Tierrable says awful things about Jackie to the camera. Tierra is acting extra terrible today. Itâs like ABC handed her $20,000 and said âHey, get America to hate you moreâ.
Jackie gets a moment alone with Sean and uses it to tell him that Tierra is a bad person. She tells Sean that Tierra flirted with a guy at an airport. Please read that last sentence back to make sure I got it right. Also, if any of you readers out there ever become contestants on the Bachelor, please donât tell the Bachelor anything about other contestants. It never works. Sean doesnât dump Jackie immediately, but I feel like it is coming. âI know youâre real. I know youâre genuine,â says Sean to one of his 11 girlfriends who signed up to date a total stranger, also dating dozens of other women on television.
When theyâre done riding horses, they sit down to eat dinner and get dumped. Sean announces that he isnât sure who heâs dumping. He pulls Tierra aside for a talk. She makes up a story about an old boyfriend who died to make Sean feel sorry for her. It works. Sean dumps Jackie. See! Donât snitch! Plus, Tierra is getting paid by ABC to be on the show, so Sean couldnât dump her.
Sean puts Jackie in a limo. She cries. She has gladiator shields for earrings. Jackie was nice. I hope she gets a shampoo commercial.
Meanwhile, Tierra and Sean get a fireworks display. The girls in the log cabin can see the fireworks and they go nuts because fireworks are awesome if youâre 5 or in the 1700âs. Tierra acts awful to the camera about getting a rose. Iâm beginning to think that she is not here for the right reasons.
Next is the cocktail party. Seanâs girlfriends get all dolled up despite the fact that theyâre in Montana.
Desiree pulls Sean aside to show him how much of her boobs she can place outside of her dress. Itâs impressive. Must be the altitude. Desiree is a gorgeous girl who needs constant reassurance that sheâs not about to be dumped. Theyâre all stupid for going on the Bachelor, but I donât doubt that it would be hard to do what these girls do on this show.
Tierra acts nasty so, the other girls sit on their couches and ignore her. Tierra gets mad and leaves the room to act crazy. Itâs a pathetic display of pointlessness. A couple of the girls chase after her to argue. Everyone talks at once. They all hold their wine glasses up when they argue. âIf I want to go get engaged, I can easily go get engaged,â says Tierra during the argument that I did not quite understand.
While Tierra is screaming, Sean catches her being awful. He pulls her aside to talk and thereâs talking. Seanâs radar is up so he asks LesLEE what she thinks of Tierra. The entire country stands up and prays that LezLEE tells Sean everything. She does not. She tells Sean that Tierra is cold. No one wants to jump on the Bachelor grenade.
They come back from commercial with a shot of a stuffed bear. Chris Harrison sits down with Sean to recap everything weâve just seen. This show is 2 hours long and there is another one tomorrow. Sean complains that the girls arenât up front about Tierra and her true intentions. Chris Harrison, although he knows every detail about every girl on the show, says nothing to help his friend Sean. Chris Harrison also wants Sean to find his wife, by the way.
The rose ceremony is next. Sean has to dump a girl. He looks at pictures of them while soft, dramatic music plays. Sean goes in the other room and dumps Robyn. Robyn holds the distinction of going further in this game show than any black woman in Bachelor history.
Robyn does not cry in the limo, at first. Bachelor producers manage to squeeze some tears out with their biting âYou just got dumped. Donât you feel like crying?â questions.
Tomorrow, Tierra drowns âŚ because ABC knows that you canât fall in love with someone unless theyâre put in a situation where it becomes possible they could drown.
Greg Bauch is the author of âFrank Datesâ which costs less than 3 apples.
Personally I thought the waterboarding & "punchies" from Greg's youth was the sports quota. But hey, I'm just a sane person who was playing video games, or at a party, or was it a colonoscopy??? I don't remember, but sadly I missed the episode. Kudos again, Greg! Greg
Â @topes521Â "Sadly" missed the episode?