Because I work second shift, Iām unable to watch āThe Bachelorā live. I have to wait until 1 a.m.Ā With social media, I can check in on comments to see how things are going with everyoneās favorite ocean-sex haver, Juan Pablo.
Luckily, Iām one of three male members of a Bachelor Facebook group. My dad doesnāt know this about me. Itās a fun group. Iām only like the 48th meanest person on there. These were some of the comments that got me good and depressed for tonightās viewing fiesta.
āOh great. Another cave.ā
āSheep poop fight.ā
āI hate this show.ā
You canāt buy that kind of insight. I thought about purchasing a Bachelor recap on Craigslist like a High School football player does with essays so I could avoid watching tonight but, I donāt make ‘High School Football Player’ money.
Juan Pablo has 8 girlfriends left. The group has been flown to New Zealand to make sure that they can fall in love. Vietnam was nice but, itās better to go to New Zealand to fall in love. Everyone knows that. You canāt just stay on one continent while dating several women and expect love to happenā¦ especially if youāre not climbing into or up something. Have you people never read Shakespeare?
They begin with showing us stuff weāve already seen. ABC is running out of material for this 2-hour crapfest so theyāre showing us past crap before they preview crap to come. We re-witness Juan Pablo yelling at Clare for having sex with him in an ocean.
Juan Pablo flies in his own plane because heās important. He likes New Zealand because it has rivers and mountains. He says that New Zealand is the perfect place to fall in love. I thought it was Paris but, whatever. Iām not in New Zealand to properly judge the situation.
When talking about his girlfriends, Juan Pablo says, āAy, yi yi.ā I had to do a Google search to get the proper spelling of āAy yi yiā. Someone made a Youtube compilation video of all of the times Juan Pablo has said āAy yi yiā. Itās 2:38 long. Ay yi yi.
Cassandra talks about missing her son to remind us of her āsonā having.
Clare says, āGetting the first date in New Zealand is crucialā. I think she stole that quote from Winston Churchill. Andi gets the first date, which is crucial. Clare is upset that she didnāt get the first date because she got yelled at for having sex with Juan Pablo in the ocean in Vietnam last week. Itās hard, you guys.
Weāre seven minutes in and girls are talking by the fire and no one is dating yet. No one is climbing down things. Clareās dad is probably bored to death (like, extra death).
Juan Pablo arrives to pick up Andi. I donāt remember much about Andi. She made out with Juan Pablo in front of a soccer stadium deep fryer. Iām sure thereās more but Iām drawing a blank. Juan Pablo wears a scarf for their date. I didnāt think New Zealand was scarf country.
They jump in a speed boat to get to know each other better. Thereās some pleasant conversation about how cool riding in a jet boat is. I can see the bonding on my television.
The happy couple parks their speed boat so they can go swimming in a cave. Bachelor interns hand them their bathing suits and they jump into their cave water. Theyāre getting to know each other in their cave water. Itās a really tight fit with the rocks closing in on them from each side. It looks uncomfortable, especially if youāre one of the two guys carrying a 200 lb. camera.
The tunnels are difficult to navigate. Andi remarks on how well Juan Pablo takes care of her. These are the kinds of challenging situations theyāll find themselves in back at home. Guided New Zealand tours are very similar to arguing with kids at a Bounce Magic.
Andi and Juan Pablo make out under a waterfall with dramatic music playing. Itās Grown Sexy. The water is hot because of volcanoes, or something. Andi talks about how their trust for each other is growing because they walked through a tunnel and made out in a waterfall.
After the waterfall smoochfest, they eat dinner on a bench on a volcano beach. Thereās a bunch of smoke because thereās lava underneath them. Water gushes out of a geyser and sprays the young lovers. Itās a metaphor. They canāt eat their food because of the hot geyser water. Itās thrilling. This show has nothing to do with anything. Itās basically a commercial for New Zealand.
Back at the mansion, we find out that Clare gets the other Juan-on-Juan date. So, America gets 40 more minutes of Clare. I just hate this show so much.
Weāre back at the geyser date. Keep up! Andi and Juan Pablo are on a bridge. He has on a different scarf. Who has two scarves? Andi starts talking about love and how she wants a family. Juan Pablo gives her a rose and they make out more. Thereās a lot of tongue. Andi says, āItās so ironic to be standing next to a geyser because our chemistry is bursting through as well.ā Thatās not irony Andi, but I get your point. Chemistry does burst. When you fall off of a cliff, do you think you feel it before you die? Iāll bet you have to feel it a little. If chickens can live without their heads for 5 seconds, thereās no way you donāt have time to say āouchā. Anyway, theyāre still making out and talking but, I canāt hear them over the ironic geyser spraying.
They group date is next. Juan Pablo is scarfless. Whatās the point? The group meets in a field. Everyone is cold. I thought New Zealand was warm? Isnāt it down there near the warm parts? Why was Paul Hogan so tan? Is that a racist statement? Can you be racist when talking about Paul Hogan? Itās ironic that Iām recapping this while watching geysers because the racism is bursting through as well. Itās a good thing this show doesnāt have any rules.
Itās Cassandraās 22nd birthday. Keep up! Bachelor interns have laid out a picnic lunch for everyone and the girls will surely mention how wonderful Juan Pablo is for doing the work. Bachelor interns should form a labor union.
Everyone drinks from a mug and talks about what the wind is doing to their hair. Juan Pablo takes the girls down a hill to giant hamster balls. Itās fun! They roll down the hill in human-sized hamster balls. I hope Clareās dad isnāt getting dizzy. Theyāre all clearly getting to know each other by rolling down hills in giant balls. Juan Pablo isnāt wearing a shirt so, that helps.
Nikki and Juan Pablo make out a lot in their hamster ball. Itās Grown Sexy. I was a little worried that Juan Pabloās daughter, Camila, might see the making out and think less of her dad but, I trust that Juan Pablo knows best about the exact method of making out that would make Camila lose respect for her dad. He makes out a ton, but Camila would only lose respect for him under certain āmake outā situations. If heās making out under a waterfall or in a giant hamster ball, thatās okay. Camila doesnāt mind that. She probably encourages it.
After hamster ball making out, the group date moves to a hobbit house. I really donāt have words to describe how much I enjoy that last sentence. Juan Pablo grabs Renee to talk about how they made out last week. Then, they made out. There are no geysers to draw parallels from but, Renee does manage to say that she feels like sheās been dating Juan Pablo for 8 months. Theyāve been on, like, three dates and this current one involves hamster balls and hobbit houses. I hate this show.
They continue their make out. Itās a special moment. Itās especially special when Juan Pablo brings Nikki out to the exact same spot to make out with fresh āReneeā on his breath. Nikki tells Juan Pablo that sheās falling for him. Itās a big moment to tell the game show prize that youāre falling for him. Juan Pablo shuts her up by making out with her. Thereās a lot of tongue. Sometimes, I regret my purchase of a high definition television.
While Nikki and Juan Pablo make out, the rest of the girls sit in the hobbit house and discuss the intensity level of their relationship with the same boyfriend. Who does this? Where do they find people for this show? What kind of girl talks to a girl who is dating her boyfriend about their growing love for said boyfriend? Itās one step away from drinking Kool-aid to prepare for the arrival of a spaceship. I hate this show.
Sharleeen the opera singer is feeling neglected because her boyfriend has 7 other girlfriends. Sheās feeling very much like a brown bear, you guys. She gets alone time with Juan Pablo and, instead of talking, they make out. While Sharleen talks about how genuine Juan Pablo is, he interrupts her troublesome talking with his tongue. Chris Harrison was wrong about this show. There is one rule; donāt talk to Juan Pablo. Only make out with him.
Sharleen is frustrated because she wants to talk. Iāll bet itās difficult for a gorgeous opera singer to share a boyfriend but, I canāt be sure. Iām not a gorgeous opera singerā¦ yet.
They make out more. Who would read this? The non-opera singer girls party in the hobbit house to celebrate Cassandraās birthday. Theyāre all close friends who date the same guy, you guys!
The first commercial in the break features an Italian man telling an M&M how heās going to murder him.
Weāre back at the hobbit house. The girls are calling the āgroup dateā rose their precious. There is no way any of these girls saw the movie. Some intern told them to say that.
Cassandra gets the next turn on the make-out bench. Juan Pablo is such a gentleman. He doesnāt even leave his bench to make out with his girlfriends. He just sits there and has the interns bring him the next girl in line. Because itās her 22nd birthday, Juan Pablo doesnāt make out with Cassandra. Iām shocked. I would have made out with her. Maybe Camila snuck out of bed to watch TV or something and he knew sheād be watching. Heās such a good dad.
Sharleen gets the group date rose. Her friends seem less than happy for her. Some friendsā¦
After giving Sharleen the rose, Juan Pablo pulls Cassandra outside in the rain. He smiles and tells her that sheās one of his special ones. Thatās what he says. He says, āYouāre one of my special ones.ā Then, he dumps her. Heās very genuine. Happy Birthday, Cassanda!
For my 22nd birthday, we got a keg and threw a party in my apartment. We filled the tub with ice, plopped the keg in and waited for the crowd. Three people came to the party. My roommate and I drank beer while showering all week. At least I wasnāt dumped in the rain outside of a hobbit house.
Cassandra cries in the limo. She says that she wants love. Thereās no chance of her finding it. Sheās not even climbing down something. Cassandra is kind of an idiot. Find a geyser or a rope or something. While Cassandra cries in the limo, Juan Pablo walks around in the rain to think about love. Heās such a genuine guy. He dumped a woman who just poured her heart out on her birthday. Seriously, this guy is the absolute worst in a raging sea of ‘worst’ water.
After the commercial, ABC reminds us of how much of a good guy Juan Pablo is by showing him Skype with his daughter. Itās really touching. I have to bite the inside of my mouth to keep from crying. Next, he looks out the window and thinks. Cameras capture it.
Juan Pablo picks up Clare for her Juan-on-Juan. They meet in a field. No one is wearing a scarf. Producers make them sit on some rocks. Clare tells the camera that she wants Juan Pablo to apologize for yelling at her for making him have sex in the ocean. Juan Pablo kind of apologizesā¦ kind of. Clare apologizes for wanting an apology. Theyāre acting like they didnāt have sex. They call it swimming. Again, Iām not positive they had sex. No one knows but Juan Pablo, Clare and Clareās dad. I may never know. I donāt really want to know. I donāt care. Clare is still talking about boundaries.
Juan Pablo talks about how he doesnāt like to do inappropriate things in front of his daughter. This showā¦ I swear, I wish so bad I didnāt have to watch it. Clare and Juan Pablo are making out on rocks. It looks super comfortable. Get them a hammock, ABC! You can splurge for planes and hot cave waterfalls but Clare has to sit on rocks? Are there no chairs in New Zealand? They have geysers and hobbit houses.
Clare says, āToday couldnāt have gone any better. Juan Pablo apologized for how he upset me in Vietnam.ā That sounds like a full day to me. They go inside to sit on a couch. The couch is in a non-hobbit house. Whatās the point?
Juan Pablo asks Clare if sheās falling in love with him. Itās a bold move. I donāt think a Bachelor has ever done that before. Clare gives the long answer. Itās really long. She just keeps talking. Sheās like a geyser of words. Itās ironic.
Juan Pablo shakes the date up by changing into sweatpants so they can relax on the couch. Clare is super impressed at how awesome Juan Pablo is for wanting to wear sweatpants. Itās sheās impressed by a manās ability to wear sweatpants, I would turn her into a river in 3 minutes. They act goofy and itās super goofy.
They talk more and there are still 40 minutes left. He gives her a rose. It must not be her birthday. In a stunning upset, Clare accepts the rose. After all, he did kind of apologize for making her feel like dirt. They dance and make out and we watch. We all watch. Admit it, guys. You watched. Clareās dad watched.
When youāre an ABC camera guy and you have to stand in a living room and film two people slow dancing and making out, do you whip out your phone and play Candy Crush or something? Can you tape and crush candy at the same time? They donāt move around a lot. Do you just zone out and think about what meals youāre going to make that week? How come you guys never answer my questions?
The cocktail party is next. Time has just flown. Iām having so much fun.
Before the party, Juan Pablo walks out into a field to look at pictures of his 7 girlfriends. Itās important. Chris Harrison comes out of nowhere to sit down for an interview. I yelp because I totally didn’t see it coming. They discuss, in detail, how heās going to approach dumping one of his remaining girlfriends. Itās important. Clareās dad nods his head in approval to everything said.
Chris Harrison and Juan Pablo hug after their warm Jueart-to-Jueart. Juan Pablo tells the camera that he likes Chris Harrison because Chris Harrison knows that the point of all of this is finding a future with a woman. Itās true. Chris Harrison knows that. Thatās why he makes people climb into caves and get naked pictures taken with dogs while theyāre dating several women at once. Thatās the only way to see a future with someone.
Nikki and Juan Pablo sit on a bench and he tells her heās wearing pink underwear. She says that she likes pink underwear. He asks her why. She says, āI just do.ā Then, they make out. Why did you read this paragraph? More importantly, why did you read this paragraph and then move on to the next paragraph? Are you some sort of psychopath?
Anyway, psychopath, Juan Pablo pulls Renee outside to talk on a bench. I guess there were no uncomfortable rocks in the cocktail party house. Renee talks about her son. Itās Grown Sexy. Juan Pablo says that thereās nothing more attractive than a woman talking about her kid. My favorite scene in āBasic Instinctā is when Sharon Stone talks about her kid.
After making out with Renee, Juan Pablo brings Chelsie out to a different bench. There are so many benches in New Zealand. Chelsie talks a lot. Thereās a ton of talking. She talks about relationships. Sheās not talking about her kid so, Juan Pablo is not attracted to her. Also, theyāre not climbing down anything so no connections are being made. They hug. Who hugs? What a rip off.
Next, Juan Pablo talks to Kat. I honestly donāt recognize Kat, and I watch this show twice every week. Kat says that sheās been ājournalingā. I didnāt know you could make that word into a verb. Kat talks about how her dad was an alcoholic. Iām not sure of how high āAlcoholic Dadā ranks on Juan Pabloās āHotā scale but, he doesnāt seem that into it. Itās hard for me to tell. Trying to figure out what Juan Pablo is thinking is like trying to understand squirrel behavior.
The Rose ceremony is next. Chris Harrison talks about how important this week has been. I canāt wait until 2078 when kids will get to read in text books about the important āNew Zealandā week of Juan Pabloās āBachelorā season.
Juan Pablo dumps Kat. Happy Birthday, Kat! Way to not have a kid to talk about, idiot. Kat cries in the limo like a good girl. She holds it together pretty well. There is zero snot.
Sharleen, the opera singer, is crying more than Kat and she got to stay in New Zealand. Sharleen is confused and thinking about leaving the show. The previews have told us that Sharleen was going to leave the show. She doesnāt. Sheās going to give it one more week.
Juan Pablo is down to 6 girlfriends. Holy cow! Who is he going to make out with? Next week, the entire group goes to Miami. I hope they go to a Heat game. (Sports quota filledā¦ at the buzzer!!! DOUBLE SPORTS QUOTA!!!!! I AM A GOLDEN GOD!!!!!!!)
During the credits, Juan Pablo throws sheep poop at his girlfriends.
Greg Bauchās dad doesnāt know that Greg is a member of a āBachelor Viewingā Facebook group. Thatās why heās still Gregās dad.
If you missed any Bachelor blogs, you can find them here.
@gregorybauch my wife noted he sets every girls hair behind her ear every time. It's super annoying now that I pick up on it.You're welcome.
Hey like if you like count the likes in like Clare's deep conversations you will drive yourself mad and render yourself like unable to like understand stuff...so I don't recommend it....
"If chickens can live without their heads for 5 seconds"
Try 18 months without a head, Mr. Bauch. Google mike the headless chicken.
And this weeks episode must have been truly horrific because just reading the recap was painful.
@tfpierotti Oh no! I'm doomed.