I’ve heard that Eskimos have 40 different words for ‘snow’. I wish Eskimos would watch ‘The Bachelor’ and donate their language versatility to my recaps so I could provide you a different of way saying that something sucks every week.
Unfortunately, I use broken English. You guys will have to settle for sucks, blows, terrible, boring, unwatchable, torturous and tedious. Those are the clubs in my bag. I’m not expanding the bag for Juan Pablo. He’s not worth the effort.
Juan Pablo has 11 girlfriends left. That’s less than a dozen. That’s hardly any girlfriends at all. You can add up all of the girlfriends I’ve ever had in my lifetime and it still doesn’t add up to the number of girlfriends this soccer dad is currently dating but, you know, the number is slowly diminishing.
Also, it’s no longer Juanuary. Today is FebruarJuy 3rd. I’m still going to keep the ‘Juan’ puns going because I’m miserable and need a distraction to keep the vein in my forehead from popping.
We begin the episode with the promise of drama. The preview is extra long because of all of the drama. There’s so much drama that ABC shows us 3 minutes of clips of the drama instead of just actually showing the drama.
The fun bunch is in Vietnam. Juan Pablo is alone on a boat with his shirt on so he can think about love. He says that he’s excited to see what Vietnam has in store for him. I hope it’s bacterial. Juan Pablo says that it’s time to take it to the next level. I don’t know what that means but, he doesn’t either so it doesn’t really matter.
The girls show up next. They have a mansion because, whatever. There’s a lot of gasping and gleeful screaming. Every single girl says that it’s the coolest place they’ve ever been. No one here is an Eskimo.
There will be a pair of Juan-on-Juan dates and a group date. Renee gets the first date. Her friends all cheer for her because they’re happy about all of the alone time she’ll have to bond with and touch their boyfriend. Everything is completely natural.
They show a cut-away of Renee jumping up and down to celebrate the fact that she gets a Juan-on-Juan date. She’s wearing different clothes from when she gets the date card. It’s a separate interview portion spliced into the ‘date card’ coverage. That means a producer off-camera had to ask her something like, “How’d you feel when you found out your name was on the date card?” and Renee probably said something like, “I was so excited” and the producer said, “How excited? Excited enough to jump up and down? Could you do that? Can you act excited and then jump up and down and we’ll splice it into the scene where you get the date card? I’d like to re-create the excitement and this is the best way I know how. See, I’m useless. We have no more ideas for this show. We’ve been rolling out the same theme for every episode on every season. We haven’t had a fresh idea since we had that one armed girl climb down a building. Later, in this episode, there will be more climbing. We really like the whole climbing thing. We’re just going to do that until they cancel this mistake of a broadcast. This whole thing is a quote, by the way.”
When Renee is done recreating excitement, she leaves for her date. The rest of the girls wish her luck and that makes sense. It also makes sense that a camera guy stands 2-feet away from her to film her putting on make up.
Renee says that she’s nervous and that Juan Pablo makes her hands hurt. Nothing makes sense. Guys shouldn’t make your hands hurt. She wants to kiss Juan Pablo, just so you know the stakes.
Juan Pablo and Renee walk through Hoi An. No one has climbed down anything yet so, there’s no chance of love. Juan Pablo puts Renee in an adult stroller. They smile at Vietnamese people. When everyone’s heartbeat slows down from that thrill ride, they go to a shop to have clothes made or something. Renee spends the entire time gushing about how much she likes Juan Pablo. She’s impressed that Juan Pablo came up with the idea of having a dress made. She mentions nothing of the ABC producer who actually came up with the idea. Juan Pablo and Renee buy gifts for the children they’ve both abandoned.
Next, they get on a boat. Seriously, go read a book or something. Go watch Youtube footage of people playing Mario Kart. Do anything else but read this recap. I already hate this recap. This show is brutal.
I don’t know what happened to the boat because it’s already nighttime and Renee has her custom-made dress on. They’re not on a boat anymore and no one is climbing. This date isn’t going well. Everyone is at sea level.
They eat on TV. It’s super romantic and boring. They talk about how amazing everything is. It is, you guys. Claire’s dad is probably digging this restaurant. Juan Pablo talks about how Renee is an example of a good mom. I don’t know how but, I wasn’t in Vietnam.
Renee really wants Juan Pablo to kiss her. She’s kind of desperate about it. Juan Pablo gives her a rose but he doesn’t kiss her. I think it’s because they haven’t climbed down anything but, again, I’m not the one in Vietnam. Maybe Claire’s dad knows.
ABC forces some Vietnam ladies to give Renee a lantern. They’re supposed to push their lantern into the water to make a wish. Every season a Bachelor goes to Asia and makes a wish with a lantern. It’s never NOT happened. I need to go to Asia and ‘lantern’ wish this show away. Renee gets a rose.
We move on to the group date. I’d yell at you to keep up but, no one is reading this and I’m glad. Juan Pablo takes his harem down to the Juater to pair up and get inside of boats. Clare gets her own boat with Juan Pablo and her dad. The rest of the girls hate her for it. Juan Pablo and Clare and Clare’s dad get caught in some leaves so they make out. More hate radiates from the other boats and the passengers of said boats.
They get out of the boats and proceed to not climb down anything. No one is falling in love. Juan Pablo takes his girls into some family’s home to eat dinner and the girls act really impressed by his casual breaking and entering. He’s so cool to just ask to eat at a stranger’s house. Juan Pablo is so spontaneous and interesting. I can hardly believe how unplanned it was the way an ABC production crew entered into the home, as planned, to make sure it was properly lit and mic’d for sound and then they made the Vietnamese family sign waivers to release their images for broadcast use. Juan Pablo is super spontaneous.
The spontaneous family happened to have 12 hats for everyone to wear. The girls walk into a field to harvest their dinner. There’s farming. I’m watching farming. I miss K-Pop. Andi complains about being on a group date. Her grievance lasts 4 seconds because Juan Pablo makes her smile. He’s so calming, you guys. I’m totally calm.
Everyone eats their farm food on TV. I hope cameras are able to capture the ensuing explosive diarrhea. After they eat, they go to a Vietnamese pool to drink alcohol and hate Clare. Clare gets more alone time and it’s totally not fair. Juan Pablo takes Clare to a swimming pool so her dad can watch them make out. Luckily, Bachelor interns had their bathing suits ready. There’s a lot of slurping.
With the taste of Clare fresh on his tongue, Juan Pablo takes Sharleen, the opera singer girl, down to the beach. Sharleen still isn’t sure about her connection to Juan Pablo. They still haven’t climbed down a building or into a cave so, how could she be sure?
Without warning, I’m struck by the greatest quote in Bachelor history:
Sharleen says, “I need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears.”
I can’t even… What in the hell does that even mean? I have no idea but I’m going to use that line in every conversation I have for the rest of my life.
Juan Pablo and Sharleen make out. I wonder if she can taste Clare. They show a lot of tongue. It’s not even PG-13 tongue. It’s NC-17 tongue. I know this is going to sound crazy but, I’m getting kind of tired of seeing Juan Pablo’s tongue. I’ve seen less of Gene Simmons’ tongue.
Juan Pablo drags Andi down to the exact same spot on the beach that he just tongue-bathed Sharleen. There is more slurping. Andi apologizes to her mom for making out on national television. She’s the first contestant to ever apologize to her mom. I give Andi 3 Bachelor points. Sports quota filled, I guess. I don’t know. Who cares? I thought I told you to go read something else.
Clare gets the group date rose. The rest of the girls turn up their ‘hate radios’ to 10. Clare’s dad watches the rest of the girls hate his daughter. You guys, I hate Clare.
Clare pours more hate chum into the ocean by sneaking up to Juan Pablo’s Juotel suite. You guys, that’s not fair. There should be a rule. I know that Chris Harrison says at the beginning of the season that there are no rules but, there should be some rules. This anarchy that ABC is proposing will be our downfall.
Juan Pablo and Clare wake up the Bachelor interns who are in charge of their swimwear so they can frolic into the ocean. Juan Pablo says that he agreed to follow Clare because he wants to get to know her better. First of all, they’re not climbing down a building or mountain so, how are they going to get to know each other? Secondly, they’re just going to lick each others’ teeth. Again, no rules.
We watch Clare and Juan Pablo run into the ocean. We’re able to watch this because of the two ABC camera guys who had to run after them to capture their late-night make out session. There is some serious straddling going on. I can’t be sure, because I wasn’t in Vietnam but, I think they’re having sex. It’s difficult to determine because I can’t get close enough to see for sure. Luckily, Clare’s dad is watching so he knows.
Clare says, “We just went for it and I don’t regret it.” That sounds an awful lot like a woman who just had sex in Vietnam.
While Clare and Juan Pablo have sex, ABC shows the moon. In describing her love for Juan Pablo, Clare says, “You know when a baby giraffe is born, and they have those wobbly legs?” You guys, I don’t think I love my wife because I’ve never felt like a baby giraffe before!
If you’re keeping score at home, this is the earliest the Bachelor has ever had sex with one of the contestants. We’re not even in single digits yet. I guess it’s because he’s Venezuelan and they use the Metric system.
Nikki gets the other Juan-on-Juan date. You guys, I totally forgot how evil Nikki is because I was concentrating on how evil Clare is. It’s so hard to keep track.
Cameras capture Nikki putting on make-up. These guys are so lucky. Nikki says that she’s come to Vietnam to find love and she’s ready for it. Juan Pablo should be pretty relaxed for his date because he recently had sex with one of his other girlfriends.
Nikki is wearing a headband like Andromeda in ‘Clash of the Titans’ (the original). ‘Clash of the Titans’ marks the first time that I ever saw a woman’s butt. It was a big moment for me. I guess the association still works because I’m digging Nikki’s headband. Nikki says, “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be right now than on a 1-on-1 date with Juan Pablo.” She totally ripped that off of Marv Levy.
Juan Pablo takes Nikki to a cave to climb down into the cave. FINALLY! LOVE CAN HAPPEN BECAUSE THERE’S CLIMBING!
Nikki is super scared about the climbing because she’s afraid of heights. I don’t mean to be a jerk but, it’s not really heights. The cave goes down. That’s the opposite of heights. The cave is called hell. They’re going to hell. I’ll enjoy the company.
Nikki swears and cries because she’s never had to make a single effort to please a man before. We’re all adjusting. Nikki shakes off her fear and tells Juan Pablo that she trusts him. Yes, Nikki, because Juan Pablo is the guy to trust here. Not the ABC people who set up the stupid cave date or the professional cave people who will take the measures to ensure you don’t die, or the rope you’ll use for the climb. Trust the Venezuelan guy with abs and a 7-word vocabulary. You know, Nikki, this relationship isn’t working for me anymore. I don’t even like the headband now.
Nikki is still a little scared. She weighs her options. She says, “I either live, or I die, or I poop my pants.” She totally ripped that off of Marv Levy.
The happy couple climbs down into the cave. Nikki is super nervous. She’s making me nervous. You guys are nervous too, admit it. I’ll bet Clare’s dad is totally covering his eyes.
Nikki whines a bunch but she climbs down into the cave. As contractually obligated by ABC, Nikki compares climbing down into a cave to falling in love. Every goddamned season.
The cave climbing takes forever. The music isn’t even really that dramatic. It’s just a bunch of talking. Eventually, they make out. Nikki says that making out with Juan Pablo gives her the courage to keep climbing. I punch my couch. I hope that ABC made a Country Music artist climb down into the cave to hold a private concert for Nikki and Juan Pablo!
When they get to the bottom, they make out a bunch.
Later, Juan Pablo and Nikki sit on a bench and talk. Thank God you guys stopped reading this recap. Nikki talks about taking care of sick kids. She says, “I think I’m super compassionate and I think I have a huge heart.” You kids at home should know that it’s not okay to talk about yourself like this. Juan Pablo doesn’t care because gives her a rose. They did climb down into a cave so he was powerless to deny the love that has formed.
Nikki is excited about falling in love with Juan Pablo. She tries to describe how she’s feeling. She says, “I feel like I’ve just stuck my finger into a light socket.” Why do these women keep equating hand pain to love?
Juan Pablo gets real descriptive about his feelings for Nikki. He says, “I like how she thinks. I’m liking her heart… a lot.”
The cocktail party is next. They make the girls ride a boat to get there. No one is wearing a life preserver. Good job, ABC. Nice boat safety.
Juan Pablo kicks the party off right by reminding all of the girls that three of them will be dumped by the end of the night. He is spontaneous, I will give him that. The girls are all really depressed. Clare makes a toast to making love… which she did… in the ocean… on National TV… in Vietnam… while her dad watched.
Juan Pablo tries to decide which girls to dump. He’s having a hard time because they’re all pretty good looking. He’s a really good guy because it’s hard for him to dump three of his girlfriends. He makes out with a few of them to get a good gauge of who to keep around.
Renee tries to talk to Juan Pablo and he kisses her to make her stop talking. She finally got her kiss. She spins in a circle. Not when it happened. She spun in a circle after ABC producers asked her during the interview session to describe how it felt the moment Juan Pablo kissed her. They said, “Did you feel like spinning in a circle? Do you think you could spin for us now so we can tape it and then splice your spinning into the footage of your after-kiss conversation?”
Renee says that the kiss was perfect. She is so excited that she doesn’t realize that he kissed her to get her to stop talking about her son. That’s the way it appeared to me but, I’m not sure. I wasn’t in Vietnam.
After making out with Renee, Juan Pablo walks off to be alone to think about whether or not having sex with Clare in front of her dad and America was a good idea. He says, “Was I fair to be with Clare?” He says that. He really does.
Juan Pablo is upset because he has just realized that his daughter Camila is going to watch her father have sex with Clare in Vietnam. Why didn’t he just get Camila a V-chip or something? Nice parenting.
Juan Pablo is all sorts of broken up about his sex-having. He pulls Clare aside to voice his regret. She doesn’t handle it well. He says that they shouldn’t have more sex until he has fewer girlfriends. Clare wants to keep having sex with Juan Pablo in Vietnam oceans. There’s a lot of snot and crying. Clare feels like brown bear in a room full of brown bears as well as an additional panda. Juan Pablo begs her to stop crying. She eventually does and thank God. Clare is confused. I’m confused. You guys are confused too, admit it.
After the commercial break, Clare is still crying, even though she said she would stop. She promised, you guys. This show has no rules. She’s going to get dehydrated. Juan Pablo tells her to stop crying again. He says, “Just delete it”. I don’t know what he’s talking about either.
The rose ceremony is next. With all of Clare’s crying, Juan Pablo has hardly had enough time to decide which 3 of his girlfriends he’s going to dump. It’s so unfair, you guys. ABC plays tender music while Juan Pablo talks about how tough it is to dump girlfriends. Then, he dumps Danielle, Alli and the dog girl. I don’t remember the other two but I remember the dog girl. I can’t remember her name. They don’t put it on the screen at the end. They don’t even let her say goodbye. What the hell happened there? Why couldn’t the dog girl cry in the limo? They’re supposed to let her say goodbye. This show has no rules.
Dog girl lost. She still has her dog. Maybe now she can feed it.
Next week, Juan Pablo dumps more of his girlfriends… possibly after having sex with one or more of them. I can’t be sure. I’m not in Vietnam.
Greg Bauch is a shell of a man.