Iāve heard that Eskimos have 40 different words for āsnowā. I wish Eskimos would watch āThe Bachelorā and donate their language versatility to my recaps so I could provide you a different of way saying that something sucks every week.
Unfortunately, I use broken English. You guys will have to settle for sucks, blows, terrible, boring, unwatchable, torturous and tedious. Those are the clubs in my bag. Iām not expanding the bag for Juan Pablo. Heās not worth the effort.
Juan Pablo has 11 girlfriends left. Thatās less than a dozen. Thatās hardly any girlfriends at all. You can add up all of the girlfriends Iāve ever had in my lifetime and it still doesnāt add up to the number of girlfriends this soccer dad is currently dating but, you know, the number is slowly diminishing.
Also, itās no longer Juanuary. Today is FebruarJuy 3rd. Iām still going to keep the āJuanā puns going because Iām miserable and need a distraction to keep the vein in my forehead from popping.
We begin the episode with the promise of drama. The preview is extra long because of all of the drama. Thereās so much drama that ABC shows us 3 minutes of clips of the drama instead of just actually showing the drama.
The fun bunch is in Vietnam. Juan Pablo is alone on a boat with his shirt on so he can think about love. He says that heās excited to see what Vietnam has in store for him. I hope itās bacterial. Juan Pablo says that itās time to take it to the next level. I donāt know what that means but, he doesnāt either so it doesnāt really matter.
The girls show up next. They have a mansion because, whatever. Thereās a lot of gasping and gleeful screaming. Every single girl says that itās the coolest place theyāve ever been. No one here is an Eskimo.
There will be a pair of Juan-on-Juan dates and a group date. Renee gets the first date. Her friends all cheer for her because theyāre happy about all of the alone time sheāll have to bond with and touch their boyfriend. Everything is completely natural.
They show a cut-away of Renee jumping up and down to celebrate the fact that she gets a Juan-on-Juan date. Sheās wearing different clothes from when she gets the date card. Itās a separate interview portion spliced into the ādate cardā coverage. That means a producer off-camera had to ask her something like, āHowād you feel when you found out your name was on the date card?ā and Renee probably said something like, āI was so excitedā and the producer said, āHow excited? Excited enough to jump up and down? Could you do that? Can you act excited and then jump up and down and weāll splice it into the scene where you get the date card? Iād like to re-create the excitement and this is the best way I know how. See, Iām useless. We have no more ideas for this show. Weāve been rolling out the same theme for every episode on every season. We havenāt had a fresh idea since we had that one armed girl climb down a building. Later, in this episode, there will be more climbing. We really like the whole climbing thing. Weāre just going to do that until they cancel this mistake of a broadcast. This whole thing is a quote, by the way.ā
When Renee is done recreating excitement, she leaves for her date. The rest of the girls wish her luck and that makes sense. It also makes sense that a camera guy stands 2-feet away from her to film her putting on make up.
Renee says that sheās nervous and that Juan Pablo makes her hands hurt. Nothing makes sense. Guys shouldnāt make your hands hurt. She wants to kiss Juan Pablo, just so you know the stakes.
Juan Pablo and Renee walk through Hoi An. No one has climbed down anything yet so, thereās no chance of love. Juan Pablo puts Renee in an adult stroller. They smile at Vietnamese people. When everyoneās heartbeat slows down from that thrill ride, they go to a shop to have clothes made or something. Renee spends the entire time gushing about how much she likes Juan Pablo. Sheās impressed that Juan Pablo came up with the idea of having a dress made. She mentions nothing of the ABC producer who actually came up with the idea. Juan Pablo and Renee buy gifts for the children theyāve both abandoned.
Next, they get on a boat. Seriously, go read a book or something. Go watch Youtube footage of people playing Mario Kart. Do anything else but read this recap. I already hate this recap. This show is brutal.
I donāt know what happened to the boat because itās already nighttimeĀ and Renee has her custom-made dress on. Theyāre not on a boat anymore and no one is climbing. This date isnāt going well. Everyone is at sea level.
They eat on TV. Itās super romantic and boring. They talk about how amazing everything is. It is, you guys. Claireās dad is probably digging this restaurant. Juan Pablo talks about how Renee is an example of a good mom. I donāt know how but, I wasnāt in Vietnam.
Renee really wants Juan Pablo to kiss her. Sheās kind of desperate about it. Juan Pablo gives her a rose but he doesnāt kiss her. I think itās because they havenāt climbed down anything but, again, Iām not the one in Vietnam. Maybe Claireās dad knows.
ABC forces some Vietnam ladies to give Renee a lantern. Theyāre supposed to push their lantern into the water to make a wish. Every season a Bachelor goes to Asia and makes a wish with a lantern. Itās never NOT happened. I need to go to Asia and ālanternā wish this show away. Renee gets a rose.
We move on to the group date. Iād yell at you to keep up but, no one is reading this and Iām glad. Juan Pablo takes his harem down to the Juater to pair up and get inside of boats. Clare gets her own boat with Juan Pablo and her dad. The rest of the girls hate her for it. Juan Pablo and Clare and Clareās dad get caught in some leaves so they make out. More hate radiates from the other boats and the passengers of said boats.
They get out of the boats and proceed to not climb down anything. No one is falling in love. Juan Pablo takes his girls into some familyās home to eat dinner and the girls act really impressed by his casual breaking and entering. Heās so cool to just ask to eat at a strangerās house. Juan Pablo is so spontaneous and interesting. I can hardly believe how unplanned it was the way an ABC production crew entered into the home, as planned, to make sure it was properly lit and micād for sound and then they made the Vietnamese family sign waivers to release their images for broadcast use. Juan Pablo is super spontaneous.
The spontaneous family happened to have 12 hats for everyone to wear. The girls walk into a field to harvest their dinner. Thereās farming. Iām watching farming. I miss K-Pop. Andi complains about being on a group date. Her grievance lasts 4 seconds because Juan Pablo makes her smile. Heās so calming, you guys. Iām totally calm.
Everyone eats their farm food on TV. I hope cameras are able to capture the ensuing explosive diarrhea. After they eat, they go to a Vietnamese pool to drink alcohol and hate Clare. Clare gets more alone time and itās totally not fair. Juan Pablo takes Clare to a swimming pool so her dad can watch them make out. Luckily, Bachelor interns had their bathing suits ready. Thereās a lot of slurping.
With the taste of Clare fresh on his tongue, Juan Pablo takes Sharleen, the opera singer girl, down to the beach. Sharleen still isnāt sure about her connection to Juan Pablo. They still havenāt climbed down a building or into a cave so, how could she be sure?
Without warning, Iām struck by the greatest quote in Bachelor history:
Sharleen says, āI need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears.ā
I canāt evenā¦ What in the hell does that even mean? I have no idea but Iām going to use that line in every conversation I have for the rest of my life.
Juan Pablo and Sharleen make out. I wonder if she can taste Clare. They show a lot of tongue. Itās not even PG-13 tongue. Itās NC-17 tongue. I know this is going to sound crazy but, Iām getting kind of tired of seeing Juan Pabloās tongue. Iāve seen less of Gene Simmonsā tongue.
Juan Pablo drags Andi down to the exact same spot on the beach that he just tongue-bathed Sharleen. There is more slurping. Andi apologizes to her mom for making out on national television. Sheās the first contestant to ever apologize to her mom. I give Andi 3 Bachelor points. Sports quota filled, I guess. I donāt know. Who cares? I thought I told you to go read something else.
Clare gets the group date rose. The rest of the girls turn up their āhate radiosā to 10. Clareās dad watches the rest of the girls hate his daughter. You guys, I hate Clare.
Clare pours more hate chum into the ocean by sneaking up to Juan Pabloās Juotel suite. You guys, thatās not fair. There should be a rule. I know that Chris Harrison says at the beginning of the season that there are no rules but, there should be some rules. This anarchy that ABC is proposing will be our downfall.
Juan Pablo and Clare wake up the Bachelor interns who are in charge of their swimwear so they can frolic into the ocean. Juan Pablo says that he agreed to follow Clare because he wants to get to know her better. First of all, theyāre not climbing down a building or mountain so, how are they going to get to know each other? Secondly, theyāre just going to lick each others’ teeth. Again, no rules.
We watch Clare and Juan Pablo run into the ocean. Weāre able to watch this because of the two ABC camera guys who had to run after them to capture their late-night make out session. There is some serious straddling going on. I canāt be sure, because I wasnāt in Vietnam but, I think theyāre having sex. Itās difficult to determine because I canāt get close enough to see for sure. Luckily, Clareās dad is watching so he knows.
Clare says, āWe just went for it and I donāt regret it.ā That sounds an awful lot like a woman who just had sex in Vietnam.
While Clare and Juan Pablo have sex, ABC shows the moon. In describing her love for Juan Pablo, Clare says, āYou know when a baby giraffe is born, and they have those wobbly legs?ā You guys, I donāt think I love my wife because Iāve never felt like a baby giraffe before!
If youāre keeping score at home, this is the earliest the Bachelor has ever had sex with one of the contestants. Weāre not even in single digits yet. I guess itās because heās Venezuelan and they use the Metric system.
Nikki gets the other Juan-on-Juan date. You guys, I totally forgot how evil Nikki is because I was concentrating on how evil Clare is. Itās so hard to keep track.
Cameras capture Nikki putting on make-up. These guys are so lucky. Nikki says that sheās come to Vietnam to find love and sheās ready for it. Juan Pablo should be pretty relaxed for his date because he recently had sex with one of his other girlfriends.
Nikki is wearing a headband like Andromeda in āClash of the Titansā (the original). āClash of the Titansā marks the first time that I ever saw a womanās butt. It was a big moment for me. I guess the association still works because Iām digging Nikkiās headband. Nikki says, āThereās nowhere else Iād rather be right now than on a 1-on-1 date with Juan Pablo.ā She totally ripped that off of Marv Levy.
Juan Pablo takes Nikki to a cave to climb down into the cave. FINALLY! LOVE CAN HAPPEN BECAUSE THEREāS CLIMBING!
Nikki is super scared about the climbing because sheās afraid of heights. I donāt mean to be a jerk but, itās not really heights. The cave goes down. Thatās the opposite of heights. The cave is called hell. Theyāre going to hell. Iāll enjoy the company.
Nikki swears and cries because sheās never had to make a single effort to please a man before. Weāre all adjusting. Nikki shakes off her fear and tells Juan Pablo that she trusts him. Yes, Nikki, because Juan Pablo is the guy to trust here. Not the ABC people who set up the stupid cave date or the professional cave people who will take the measures to ensure you donāt die, or the rope youāll use for the climb. Trust the Venezuelan guy with abs and a 7-word vocabulary. You know, Nikki, this relationship isnāt working for me anymore. I donāt even like the headband now.
Nikki is still a little scared. She weighs her options. She says, āI either live, or I die, or I poop my pants.ā She totally ripped that off of Marv Levy.
The happy couple climbs down into the cave. Nikki is super nervous. Sheās making me nervous. You guys are nervous too, admit it. Iāll bet Clareās dad is totally covering his eyes.
Nikki whines a bunch but she climbs down into the cave. As contractually obligated by ABC, Nikki compares climbing down into a cave to falling in love. Every goddamned season.
The cave climbing takes forever. The music isnāt even really that dramatic. Itās just a bunch of talking. Eventually, they make out. Nikki says that making out with Juan Pablo gives her the courage to keep climbing. I punch my couch. I hope that ABC made a Country Music artist climb down into the cave to hold a private concert for Nikki and Juan Pablo!
When they get to the bottom, they make out a bunch.
Later, Juan Pablo and Nikki sit on a bench and talk. Thank God you guys stopped reading this recap. Nikki talks about taking care of sick kids. She says, āI think Iām super compassionate and I think I have a huge heart.ā You kids at home should know that itās not okay to talk about yourself like this. Juan Pablo doesnāt care because gives her a rose. They did climb down into a cave so he was powerless to deny the love that has formed.
Nikki is excited about falling in love with Juan Pablo. She tries to describe how sheās feeling. She says, āI feel like Iāve just stuck my finger into a light socket.ā Why do these women keep equating hand pain to love?
Juan Pablo gets real descriptive about his feelings for Nikki. He says, āI like how she thinks. Iām liking her heartā¦ a lot.ā
The cocktail party is next. They make the girls ride a boat to get there. No one is wearing a life preserver. Good job, ABC. Nice boat safety.
Juan Pablo kicks the party off right by reminding all of the girls that three of them will be dumped by the end of the night. He is spontaneous, I will give him that. The girls are all really depressed. Clare makes a toast to making loveā¦ which she didā¦ in the oceanā¦ on National TVā¦ in Vietnamā¦ while her dad watched.
Juan Pablo tries to decide which girls to dump. Heās having a hard time because theyāre all pretty good looking. Heās a really good guy because itās hard for him to dump three of his girlfriends. He makes out with a few of them to get a good gauge of who to keep around.
Renee tries to talk to Juan Pablo and he kisses her to make her stop talking. She finally got her kiss. She spins in a circle. Not when it happened. She spun in a circle after ABC producers asked her during the interview session to describe how it felt the moment Juan Pablo kissed her. They said, āDid you feel like spinning in a circle? Do you think you could spin for us now so we can tape it and then splice your spinning into the footage of your after-kiss conversation?ā
Renee says that the kiss was perfect. She is so excited that she doesnāt realize that he kissed her to get her to stop talking about her son. Thatās the way it appeared to me but, Iām not sure. I wasnāt in Vietnam.
After making out with Renee, Juan Pablo walks off to be alone to think about whether or not having sex with Clare in front of her dad and America was a good idea. He says, āWas I fair to be with Clare?ā He says that. He really does.
Juan Pablo is upset because he has just realized that his daughter Camila is going to watch her father have sex with Clare in Vietnam. Why didnāt he just get Camila a V-chip or something? Nice parenting.
Juan Pablo is all sorts of broken up about his sex-having. He pulls Clare aside to voice his regret. She doesnāt handle it well. He says that they shouldnāt have more sex until he has fewer girlfriends. Clare wants to keep having sex with Juan Pablo in Vietnam oceans. Thereās a lot of snot and crying. Clare feels likeĀ brown bear in a room full of brown bears as well as an additional panda. Juan Pablo begs her to stop crying. She eventually does and thank God. Clare is confused. Iām confused. You guys are confused too, admit it.
After the commercial break, Clare is still crying, even though she said she would stop. She promised, you guys. This show has no rules. She’s going to get dehydrated.Ā Juan Pablo tells her to stop crying again. He says, āJust delete itā. I donāt know what heās talking about either.
The rose ceremony is next. With all of Clareās crying, Juan Pablo has hardly had enough time to decide which 3 of his girlfriends heās going to dump. Itās so unfair, you guys. ABC plays tender music while Juan Pablo talks about how tough it is to dump girlfriends. Then, he dumps Danielle, Alli and the dog girl. I donāt remember the other two but I remember the dog girl. I canāt remember her name. They donāt put it on the screen at the end. They donāt even let her say goodbye. What the hell happened there? Why couldnāt the dog girl cry in the limo? Theyāre supposed to let her say goodbye. This show has no rules.
Dog girl lost. She still has her dog. Maybe now she can feed it.
Next week, Juan Pablo dumps more of his girlfriendsā¦ possibly after having sex with one or more of them. I canāt be sure. Iām not in Vietnam.
Greg Bauch is a shell of a man.
I bet ABC wishes their show was as entertaining as your recaps.
So like, is your wife forced to walk around the house with a headband and eye black on all the time?
@gregorybauch Ay yi yi
@gregorybauch How about another picture. The one of the parasitic infection awaiting Clare and Juan Pablo after their "sex on the beach"
@gregorybauch Gene Simmons, Mario Kart and Marv Levy in Vietnam. Now there's a picture.