It took Christopher Columbus 5 weeks to get across the Atlantic and be wrong about India. While it must have been exciting to eventually see land near the end of that journey, you still had tons of suffering and pooing in front of a bunch of guys before you finally got off of the smelly boat.
Thatās how I feel watching tonightās episode of āThe Bachelorā. Weāre so close to the end, I can almost see land. Unfortunately, the worst is still yet to come. Thereās going to be crying and booger make-out sessions, fantasy suite sex and, of course, the women will tell all. Iām jumping ahead. Tonight isnāt about boogers or sex. Itās about loveā¦ and finding mothers for daughtersā¦ and whatever. No one cares. Iāve already lost you.
Juan Pablo has six girlfriends left. Six? Where the hell did everyone go? The teaser voice over promises that tonightās ending will leave everyone blind sided. The only ending that would blind side me would be if everyone involved with the decade plus of this terrible program got in front of the camera, knelt down and begged my forgiveness. Also, if Juan Pablo found love.
We begin tonight with a preview of the episode. There will be drama in Miami. Iām gonna call it Driami! BOOM!
Juan Pablo drives to pick up his daughter, Camila. Cameras are located throughout his jeep so we donāt miss a single moment of his commute. I say a little prayer to my creator to thank him for the cameras that allow me to witness Juan Pablo driving. Juan Pablo is excited and makes squeak noises. Itās the most interesting heās ever been.
Juan Pablo sneaks up to the house to surprise Camila. Cameras follow him up to the door that he quietly opens. Cameras are also stationed in the house to capture Camila playing with her grandfather. I donāt know how smart this kid is but, Iām guessing the two camera guys in her living room are ruining any true element of surprise here.
ABC producers threaten Camila to act surprised and she does. Juan Pablo hugs his family and talks about how important family is. We then watch him take his shirt off.
Four seconds later, we see his six girlfriends in their limo as they discuss how real everything is getting. They do a good job of describing their hotel including some specific product placement of designer bikinis. There will be a pair of Juan on Juan dates and a group date. Next week is hometown dates, so thereās a lot on the line.
Juan Pablo talks to his cousin with braces about Sharleen. Juan Pablo says that Sharleen is an Oprah singer. I think being an Oprah singer would be a cool gig. You would just sing about Oprah all day. Juan Pablo says that his Oprah singer could be the one.
A minute later he visits the hotel to take one of his girlfriends out. Itās a spontaneous date. He hands the date card to his Oprah singer, Sharleen. They leave IMMEDIATELY! Holy Cow! We hardly even have time to show her on camera putting on earrings and then heading out onto a balcony to think about love. They do show that. She totally walks out onto a balcony and stares off into the distance. Maybe sheās thinking of Oprah songs.
Sharleen still isnāt sure about this whole thing. For the four thousandth time, she declares that sheāll leave if she doesnāt figure things out. Sharleen is a liar as well as an Oprah singer. Iāll bet Clareās dad is all, āMake up your mind, woman!ā
The rest of the girls sit in a circle and talk about how wrong they think Sharleen is for Juan Pablo. They say that sheās too nerdy for Juan Pablo. I donāt know what anything means. Sharleen and Juan Pablo get on a yacht to float around and talk about how cool it is to float on a yacht. Sharleen tells the camera that she doesnāt think they get each other. They must have different interpretations of floating on a yacht.
Instead of talking, they make out. We get to see it and hear it. Itās slurpy. Thereās a solid 2 minutes of just tongues coming out of mouths and going into other mouths. Iām so glad I donāt watch this show with my parents. They kiss a ton. Juan Pablo is totally going to town on a panda in a yacht full of brown bears. Itās Grown Sexy.
When theyāre done tasting each other, they actually talk about life. Sharleen says that she would be ready to date a guy with a kid. Thatās good because sheās currently dating a guy with a kid. Then, they run into the ocean to make out more. Itās like Vietnam all over again. If this is the first recap youāve ever read, I donāt mean THAT Vietnam thing.
Sharleen and Juan Pablo might be having sex but, Iām not sure. I canāt see all of their parts. Maybe Clareās dad can. Heās up in heaven either watching over this make out session or his daughter on a hotel balcony talking with her boyfriendās other girlfriends. He might be able to watch over both scenes. Iām not sure because Iām not dead. I should be so lucky.
Juan Pablo and Sharleen are now back on the yacht and it is dark out. Keep up! Juan Pablo thanks Sharleen for being herself. They make out more. I didnāt think it was possible but, the camera gets even closer so we can see more movement out of their jaw muscles. Weāre 22 minutes into the episode and at least 10 minutes has been Juan Pablo slurping on his Oprah singer.
Sharleen tells the camera that she isnāt comfortable with her inability to control herself around Juan Pablo. Iām not comfortable with it either. We go from kissing to talking. I donāt know what I hate more. Sharleen says that she wishes she was dumber so she didnāt think so much. She should try watching this show. I know Iām dumber.
The date mercifully ends. Sharleen is a mess. She complains to the one girl with the kid that she still isnāt sure whether or not she wants to stick around. In an amazing turn of events, this girl, who is competing with Sharleen for the love of a man, tries to convince her to stay to give herself a true shot at love. This show has no rules.
Nikki gets the next Juan-on-Juan date. The rest of the girls hate Nikki. They say that sheās negative. They say that sheās negative but they havenāt given her a negative nickname like āNegative Nikkiā or āPessiNikstikā. Whatever. Shut up.
Juan Pablo tells Nikki that heās going to surprise her. Heās bringing her to Camilaās dance recital. Nikkiās excited. She tells the camera that sheās excited. Thatās how I know. Dramatic music plays because you can tell that Nikki really isnāt interested in meeting Camila. I think sheād rather make out on a boat. I mean, who wouldnāt? Cameras show their jeep ride to the dance recital so, thatās covered. Nikki meets Juan Pabloās family, including Camilaās mother. It seems comfortable.
ABC shows us about four minutes of a childrenās dance recital. I miss the yacht make-outs. The family talks after the recital. All of this should be on camera. Itās really entertaining.
Back at the hotelā¦ seriously keep up! Back at the hotel the other girls get their date card. There will be a rose on the group date. Everyone flips out because, woah. Sharleen, who is not dumb enough, complains about the fact that thereās a rose on the group date and threatens, for the 87th time, to leave the show. Sharleen is a liar. The girls should have given her a nickname like āSharliarā or āFictsharleenā. You know, why donāt you jerks come up with your own stupid nicknames?
The dance recital wasnāt exciting enough because Juan Pablo and Negative Nikki drive to the Florida Marlins stadium. Juan Pablo works there. The stands are empty so, thereās a good chance there is currently a Florida Marlins game going on. Sports quota filled.
Nikki and Juan Pablo play catch. Itās a good idea for Nikki to play catch because sheās wearing a shoelace for a shirt and the opportunities for sideboob are plentiful. When theyāre done with open-shirt baseball catching, the happy couple lies down on an intern-provided blanket to talk. Nikki does that thing where she doesnāt stop talking. Juan Pablo puts up with it for awhile before beginning another gratuitous make out session.
Nikki loves the date and gives Juan Pablo credit for planning it. He really did work hard. Even if he did plan it (he didnāt), he just took a girl to work. If you donāt have abs, girls will not let you get away with that crap. Nikki loved it though. She says that Juan Pablo āhit a home run.ā Do you guys get it? She said āhome runā because they were at a baseball stadium. Why did she stop there? Why didnāt she say, āWhen Juan Pablo tried to kiss me, I didnāt balk. I let him throw his tongue right down the plate. He cleared the bases and my taste buds. That kiss won the pennant. This entire date had a high number of Wins Above Replacement Player.ā She didnāt, though. She stopped at āhome run.ā
Weāre back at the hotel and Sharleen is still thinking about her doubts. Keep up! She gathers all of Juan Pabloās girlfriends together to talk about her inkling to leave the show. Sheās worried about the seriousness of hometown dates. She tells the other five girls that sheās leaving. The other girls do a good time of containing their glee. Well, everyone but Clare. Clare is smiling like an 8-year old on the tea cups in Disney World when she hugs Sharleen goodbye. Iām not buying it. Sharliar isnāt leaving.
Sharleen goes over the Juan Pabloās to announce her intentions. She whispers so ABC gives us subtitles. Sheās not ready to be proposed toā¦ or at. Do you get proposed to or at? I guess it depends on who is doing the proposing. Sharleen cries and Juan Pablo comforts her. Heās really growing. Heās come a long way from the guy who yelled at a girl for having sex with him in the ocean. Sharleen says that sheās sorry for wasting his time. Juan Pablo tells Sharleen that he understands what sheās going through and that she shouldnāt feel sorry for wasting his time. For the record, no one has apologized to me about that.
After she leaves, Juan Pablo tells the camera that Sharleen wouldāve gotten a hometown date. Heās crying. Sharleen left early so, she doesnāt get to cry in a limo. She gets a van cab. Sheās just a brown bear in a yellow cab.
I feel like Iāve already watched 8 episodes tonight but we still have half of the show left. Juan Pablo loads 4 girls into a private plane because there were no van cabs available. This plane is equipped with cameras so, we get to see the ride to their group date. As the fun starts, cameras zoom in on the rose up for grabs on this group date. The rose sits on a plate. It is not in water. How doesnāt it die? How long can roses go without water? Are roses like transported whales? Do Bachelor interns have to periodically splash the group date rose with water to keep it moisturized? Did you read down this far? Do you guys wanna make out on a blanket?
The group drinks alcohol on a beach. Chelsie takes Juan Pablo aside to talk way too much. She talks about her mom and dad. Itās not Grown Sexy. Even Claireās dad is all, āBoring!ā Sheās kind of a nerd. The other girls should give her a nickname like āNerdy Chelsieā or āChelsdweebā. Juan Pablo likes how Chelsie loves her family.
Juan Pablo and Andi walk and talk. Thereās just so much going on. There are emotions and they both sit down to talk about it. We should all sit down, you guys. Andi talks. She talks a lot. The girls should give her a nickname like āChatty Andiā or āBabblandiā.
Clare gets the next 5-minute session with Juan Pablo. She talks about her family and how important they are. Juan Pablo tells Clare that he wishes he could have met her dad. He then moves in to make out with her. If youāre taking notes at home, itās a really good idea to bring up a womanās dead father and then, 3 seconds later, try to make out with her. Especially if this woman is so attached to the memory of her father that she carries around a DVD of his messages. Sheāll totally be ready for a sloppy make out session.
Clare brings up the video that the man she is to marry must watch. She tells that camera that she hopes that Juan Pablo gets to watch her dead dad video. I hope so too, you guys. Then, they make out.
Next, Juan Pablo gives out the rose. Keep up! He gives it to Andi. Itās a big shock. I thought for sure Andi was going home. Clare flips out. She does that shaky, nervous talking thing that serial killers do before they de-populate towns. Clare gets on the plane and says, āLetās bleeping wrap bleep up and go home.ā She doesnāt really say it. She sings it. Clare is crazy. The other girls should give her a nickname like āCrazy Clare or āDeClared Insaneā! Cāmon, you guys! That one was good. Admit it.
Juan Pablo and Andi continue their date by making out in the ocean. What is with this guy and making out in oceans? A very high percentage of shark attacks happen in the ocean. 100% of all deaths by shark attack happen in the ocean. Juan Pablo loves the ocean. The girls should give him a nickname like āOcJuan Pabloā or āMarine Pablologistā.
I donāt have any friends.
Juan Pablo and Andi walk around Atlanta. When the hell did they get to Atlanta? They walk into a concert hall because ABC loves them some private concerts. Romeo Santos performs a private concert for Juan Pablo and his lover for the moment, Andi. I donāt know who Romeo Santos is. His name reminds me of Santos L. Halper from the Laddie episode of āThe Simpsonsā. Thereās music and dancing.
Back at the hotel, the girls gather in the living room to talk. Iām guessing ABC producers cattle prod them to get them to hang out together for a certain amount of time each day. Otherwise, theyād just sit in their rooms and Netflix.Ā Clare declares how much she hates Nikki. She says, āI want to hang out with Nikki like I want to get stung by a jelly fish.ā So, sheās saying she wants Nikki to pee on her.
The conversation is awkward. Itās not really even talking. Thereās a lot of tension between Clare and Nikki because they hate each other. Nikki gets up and walks away. Clare chases her to confront her. Itās confronty. They argue and a lot of it is bleeped out. Thank goodness they bleep it out. Otherwise, any children who have been watching Juan Pablo’s magic tongue show would be subjected to a swear word.
Clare is super stabby. She has the energy of a person who stabs other people. Iāve been hit in the face by nuns who had a more pleasant demeanor than Clare. This woman boils rabbits. Thereās no way sheās not a multiple murderer.
Nikki tells Clare to leave her room. Clare clarifies that itās not Nikkiās room. Iām happy to have that clared up. Thereās more yelling and further explanation about said yelling. Clare leaves. Nikki tells the camera, āClare is like a dog. She peed on me first. She claimed some territory that might not be hers.ā There are an awful lot of references to peeing in this recapā¦ at least two more than usual.
The cocktail party is next. The girls all talk about how important this moment is. Itās really important. Itās a crucial cocktail party. Clare talks to Juan Pablo and her eyes are crazy. I canāt un-see her craziness anymore.
Nikki sits around and says bad things about Clare. They go to sit near the ocean becauseā¦ you know. Chelsie and the girl with the kid also talk about how much they hate Nikki. By the way, the girl with the kid doesnāt need a nickname. Sheās the girl with the kid.
When Nikki sits back down Chelsie announces that she has to pee. What is it with these girls and peeing? Clare and Nikki sit in total silence for 20 seconds. There is no talking. Itās my favorite moment in Bachelor history. Even when sheās not talking, Clare looks crazy. Chris Harrison comes out with his butter knife that he uses to tap on a wine glass to interrupt conversation and announce the rose ceremony but, thereās no need for the butter knife. No one is talking.
The rose ceremony is next. Nikki, Clare and the girl with the kid all get a rose. Chelsie is sent home. Clare got a rose despite her tendency to want to murder human beings.
Chelsie thanks Juan Pablo for showing her a good time and says that she hopes he finds someone special. Sheās too nice for this show. In her limo she cries like a good girl. She says that she wants to find her partner in crime. Iām glad Juan Pablo dumped her. I donāt want her crime spree to snowball into something worse with the help of a partner.
Last week at work, I parked next to a handicapped parking space. An officer of the law gave me a ticket for parking in a handicapped spot. With the service charge, the ticket set me back 80 dollars that I donāt have. I was pretty angry, but I didnāt do anything about it. I just took it.
I just took it because there was nothing I could do about it. No one would listen to my complaints. No judge or town clerk would care. It was my word against the word of the officer who wrote the ticket. I had no hand and it fills me with hate. Itās exactly how I felt learning that, next week, there will be two episodes of āThe Bachelorā.
I hate this show.
Greg Bauch is being held against his will by the American Broadcast Corporation. If youāve missed his cries for help, you can read them here.
@pham1717 please tell me you've watched the show. Amazing!!!
Now now, they are the Miami Marlins now, so that people in Miami might actually know that there is a baseball team in their city. It has not worked.Ā
@backdoorsauce25 Who Bauch? Seen his show many times.
@pham1717 inside amy schumer
@backdoorsauce25 I haven't seen this show, but I did see her on Comedy Central within the last few yrs. I loved her act.