Dear Honored Guest,
Greetings! You are cordially invited to celebrate with us the wedding of big religious Sean and his reality TV girlfriend Catherine. In lieu of a gift, please forgive us for the sins we have committed against humanity, namely tonight’s televised wedding.
We know how awful it is but, we can’t help ourselves. Your wife keeps watching this shit. We could probably do a ‘Bachelor Dog’ special, fixing up an English mastiff with a beagle and televise their dog wedding and she’d watch it. That’s more on you than us.
Anyway, we hope to show you some sideboob or something to get you through this. Also, when God comes back to judge the living and the dead, do us a solid and don’t mention how we straight-up tortured the shit out of your eyes for two full hours. We’d appreciate you looking the other way.
Thanks a tonnage!
Your friends at ABC!
That’s the letter I never got from ABC prior to tonight’s live televised nuptial-a-thon. No one apologized to me. Not even an email. I would settle for a Facebook poke. Nothing.
Instead, we got a live wedding broadcast. When I hit the info button on my remote control, it says that Sean and Catherine’s wedding was on from 8 p.m. to 10:01 p.m.
They couldn’t cram this crap into 120 minutes. Those selfish bastards absolutely had to have that extra minute. It’s is going to kill me. You guys can have all of my stuff.
Because I’m miserable, I’ve decided to rank torture methods in bold throughout the post. I hope you enjoy the distraction.
We start of with Chris Harrison calling it the most romantic television event of the year. They show us preview footage of a show that was supposed to be live. I’m not normally confused by this show but I’m confused.
Catherine tells a bunch of people that she wants her wedding to be grown sexy… or groan sexy. I’m not sure. She has the ‘groan’ part down. Apparently, she’s a virgin or something.
Harrison lays the rules down from the Four Seasons in California. The Four Seasons has been decorated with no less than 4 billion roses. I’m not exaggerating. There are 4 billion roses. We only have one hour and 58 minutes left!
Harrison hits play on the footage of Sean and Catherine’s televised journey together. Then, we’re treated to amateur camera footage of Sean and Catherine eating and shopping. We’ve just started and I’m already being tortured. There’s a little window in the corner of the screen that shows us important ‘live’ footage like Catherine standing around in a veil. I think CNN is simulcasting this.
Sean and Catherine talk while driving. ABC shows it. This is torture.
In ancient Greece, people would be placed into the belly of a giant bronze bull. A fire would be set beneath the bull, making the idol become white-hot. The victim would be roasted to death. The bull was designed to echo the victim’s screams, making it sound like the bellowing of a bull.
Chris Harrison announces that Catherine has a glam squad.
In the 15th century, Vlad the Impaler used to hoist people up onto a pole and let their own body weight force them down the pole, killing them over a period of days.
ABC shows us footage of Sean and Catherine telling Sean’s family that they’ve decided to get married. There’s a ton of talking. They ask Sean’s dad, who is a minister or something, to officiate the wedding. He says ‘yes’ and everyone starts crying.
Sean says, “I’m just so excited to marry Catherine” for the 86th time in the last 20 minutes.
A thumb screw was a medieval device used to compress the body parts of defendants until the parts popped. The thumb screw was used to force confessions out of people.
Chris Harrison tells us again how Sean and Catherine are saving themselves for marriage. Catherine sits down with her wedding planner to explain “Grown Sexy”. She says it’s a mixture of sophistication and sexy. She wants everyone at her wedding to feel sexy. Technically, I’m at the wedding and I don’t feel sexy, much less ‘Grown Sexy’.
While two women talk more about wedding stuff, ABC squeezes in their ‘Honeymoon Suite’ cam, complete with Bachelor interns making the bed and fluffing pillows for their big ‘Grown Sexy’ Honeymoon.
When that’s over (it took 4 minutes!) Catherine explains ‘Grown Sexy’ to Sean. I listen to it.
The Judas Cradle was a pyramid-shaped device. Victims were stripped naked and forced to sit on top of the pyramid while ropes forced them down until their orifice was stretched and they were impaled. The victim would either die from the impalement or from infections caused by the unclean Judas Cradle.
Next, Catherine picks out her dress. I THOUGHT THIS WAS LIVE. They show her talking to a dress lady and then trying on dresses. She tries them on. Her friends laugh and coo. We watch. When she finds her dress, ABC plays the softest, emotionalest piano music you’ve ever heard. The dress lady calls it a body-conscious silhouette. I don’t know what that means.
Sean walks into a lingerie store and seriously just fuck this.
The Heretics Fork was a strap wrapped around the victim’s neck with a sharp, bi-pronged fork attached. The fork was pointed directly towards the tissue on their chest and underneath their chin, so they were unable to sleep, eat, lower their head or get comfortable without stabbing themselves to death. After days of wearing a Heretics Fork, many people would kill themselves rather than endure the torture.
Sean and Catherine go to a cake store to decorate and play with cakes while Catherine talks about how playful and fun they are as a couple. They play-fight with their cakes and then Sean calls a truce and they kiss to seal the truce.
The rack was believed to be the most painful of all of the medieval torture devices. The victim’s arms and legs were tied to the top and bottom of a wooden plank. Wheels were turned to stretch the victim until their limbs were dislocated. The torturers would spin the wheels until the victim’s limbs were torn off from their body.
Sean hands Catherine her lingerie and they talk about all of the sex they’re going to have during their honeymoon. Five minutes later, we get live footage of Sean’s best man huddling the boys together to say a prayer.
Catherine announces that the happy couple is visiting a flower store to look at their wedding flowers. She uses the phrase ‘Grown Sexy’ again. They say ‘Grown Sexy’ 19 times.
The Rat Torture involved a box with one open side placed on a victim’s stomach. Rats were encased within the box. The box was then heated and the rats would panic and try to claw their way out of the box through the victim’s stomach.
Catherine reviews options with her makeup team and says ‘Grown Sexy’ a dozen more times. There is no way this woman doesn’t already have t-shirts with the phrase ‘Grown Sexy’ air-brushed across the front. If any of you ever say the phrase ‘Grown Sexy’ to me, I will involuntarily stab you.
Catherine explains to her friends how she’s a butterfly to Sean because they haven’t done it yet. ABC refrains from showing us the footage of Sean’s Fantasy Suite dates with his two runner-ups from his Bachelor season.
Republican Marriage was a torture method where a man and woman were stripped naked, tied together and then thrown into icy waters until they drowned. If icy waters weren’t available, the victims were simply stabbed while strapped together.
Catherine and her friends get together to go over her lingerie options. She’s getting pictures taken in her lingerie. She says ‘Grown Sexy’ one hundred more times.
The Breaking Wheel was also known as the Catherine Wheel. I’m not making that up. The Catherine Wheel was a torture device consisting of the victim’s limbs being tied to a large wooden wheel. The wheel would be spun and the victim’s limbs were bashed with an iron hammer. Once the victim’s limbs were broken in several places, they were left on the wheel to die and birds would feast on their flesh, often before they had passed on.
Catherine and Sean try on their rings. Chris Harrison sits down and has them tell America why they love each other. ABC shows us the Honeymoon Suite cam box again. I hope they forget to turn off that camera tonight.
The Spanish Donkey was a sharp, wooden V-shaped device. Victims were stripped naked and made to straddle the device like they would a donkey. The torturer would continually add weights to the victim until the wedge device eventually cut through the victim’s body.
The live wedding is next. It’s basically a wedding. They show it. People walk up the aisle while romantic violin music plays. We’ve all been to weddings. No one enjoys them, at least not anybody with a penis. Sean and his dad smile. Four thousand people walk down the aisle. It’s just miles of people walking down and aisle while violins play. It never ends. Everyone is Grown Sexy, even Sean’s dad.
They show Catherine getting ready to come out. Her mom asks her how she feels and a producer asks them to be quiet.
The saw torture involved victims being strung up by ropes and sawed in half. The victims were hung upside down so the blood rushed to their head and they were able to stay alive during the sawing.
Catherine comes out and Sean starts bawling. The music they play is a weird, cool instrumental version of Michael Jackson’s ‘Human Nature’. The music is the only thing I don’t hate about tonight.
ABC has mic’d Sean and Catherine so we can hear their snot trying to escape their noses as they cry. Catherine is beautiful. My wife really likes both of them. I feel bad being a complete dick while sitting right next to a woman who really likes this whole wedding thing but, she doesn’t read these recaps.
Sean’s dad talks a ton. There is so much talking. They talk about love. At no point during his salvo does Sean’s dad use the phrase ‘Grown Sexy’. What the hell kind of wedding service is this? It’s certainly not Grown Sexy.
ABC cameras cut to their other “success” stories, including the awful Jason Mesnick and the equally terrible Trista. I dislike them. Even my wife hates Jason Mesnick. I’m still working on getting her to hate Trista. I’ve got, at least, a few months before she leaves me.
ABC cuts to commercial. Chris Harrison promised that we won’t miss anything. I slam my foot down. He teases that we’re about to see the live wedding vows.
Here are the highlights of the vows:
Catherine – “The first time I saw you, you were like the light to my bug.”
“Every time I look up at you, my heart fills with love sprinkles” – That was my yearbook quote.
“Sometime, I feel like I’m going to explode.”
“I can’t wait to shine together and make everybody completely blind.”
Sean – “I know that we met on the Bachelor so that I could fall in love with my best friend.”
There are more words. All of the words are sweet. Everyone is crying. There are more words. People pledge love and loyalty. I feel bad for ever getting married and making people sit through it.
Sean’s dad won’t stop talking about God. He finally ends it with the whole ‘end’ thing. Sean and Catherine kiss. Sean does a laugh/ crying thing and we hear it because they’re mic’d. They kiss a bunch and NO ONE IS TURNING OFF THE MICROPHONES. THEY KEEP TALKING AND WE SHOULDN’T BE HEARING ANY OF THIS. LEAVE THEM ALONE!
Crocodile Shears were pincers shaped like a crocodile. These pincers would be heated and clamped onto various parts of the victim’s body. Torturers would use the Crocodile Shears to rip the flesh from their body.
The wedding is over. Chris Harrison is still talking. To my dismay, Sean and Catherine do not immediately run to the Honeymoon Suite for hot ‘Grown Sexy’ Honeymoon Suite cam action.
Chris Harrison teases reaction from Sean and Catherine’s guests. I die a lot.
Hanged, Drawn and Quartered was a torture method used as the penalty for high treason in England. The victim was dragged by horses through the streets to the execution site. They were then hanged until they were almost dead and then disemboweled and castrated in front of a crowd. After death, the victim was ‘quartered’ or cut into for separate pieces and beheaded.
Harrison interviews Trista and Ryan and Trista talks. Her answer is only 8 seconds long but it takes forever. Before this abomination ends, Chris Harrison manages to say the phrase ‘Grown Sexy’ one more time.
ABC broadcasts a show called ‘The Bachelor’ where men and women date 25 people in hopes of finding true love while jumping off of buildings and into helicopters. There are fantasy suites and snot bubble make-out sessions. People sometimes are there for the wrong reasons.
My wife was disappointed that they didn’t show any of the reception. She said, “At least show us a silk chiffon cake or something!” I am very glad that no more cakes were shown. I might even say a prayer for no cakes.
I hope you enjoyed this live wedding recap. Other than the time my wife was really sick, this was the worst two-hour period of my life.
Greg Bauch died shortly after this was posted. Sorry if you knew him or whatever.