We’ve reached a precArieous juncture in this season of ‘The Bachelor’. It’s been three weeks and Arie still hasn’t decided which of his 18 girlfriends he’s going to get engaged to for six weeks. Arie has dumped 11 women, you’d think after spending a day or two with the rest of them, he’d be able to pick one. What he is doing is making out. This guy slurps more than a doberman in a ham factory. I’ve seen ferrets with more self control. It’s been an uncomfortable season and we’re only 3 episodes in. It’s ‘The Bachelor’.
When we last left our happy group of STD carriers, tensions were high. Bibiana would not stop talking, Krystal was annoying and Chelsea, the villain, was super villainy. Things pick up right where they left off. Lauren S. says, “I am emotionally and physically drained.” That’s about as drained as you can be.
Chris Harrison shows up to the mansion in his best casual wear to announce the happenings of the week. There will be three dates, a 1-on-1 date and two super fun group dates. It should be pointless!
A group date is first. The date card says “It’s all about the ring”, so it’s either about that spooky movie with the girl in the well, or ringworm. The girls dress in up in workout gear, pile into a bus and ride to a wrestling ring. It was much stupider to watch than read.
Next comes wrestling. Chris Harrison calls it ‘GLOB’, the Gorgeous Ladies Of the Bachelor. It’s a play on the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling that no one watched in the 80’s. Former GLOW wrestlers Ursula and Angela walk in and Arie’s girlfriends all scream like they know who these wrestlers are. They’re excited. You guys were excited too, admit it.
What follows is a bunch of fake wrestling. I hate every moment of it. The GLOW ladies get in the girls’ faces to make them mad. Angela makes fun of Bibiana’s name. Then, she pulls Tia’s hair. Tia and Bibiana get angry and leave the wrestling ring. They’ve had enough. After a few minutes of crying, they return to the wrestling ring. Crisis Arieverted.
The girlfriends get changed and come out to wrestle in front of a live studio audience. How come these random, terrible live action sequences never happen in my town? Just once I’d like to go to a local theater and see a stupid Bachelor production.
The live wrestling is next. 30 cat owners pack the seats and cheer for stupidity. Chris Harrison brings out former Bachelorette contestant, Kenny, to fight Arie. Kenny is a professional wrestler, so this is super traumatic. Kenny fake body slams Arie a bunch of times and it’s stupid. The girls fake like they’re nervous, but no one is nervous because the wrestling is terrible. Arie beats Kenny and I scream because I bet $400 on Kenny.
After that stupid thing, more stupid things happen. The girlfriends wrestle each other. Arie is really getting to know the women he intends to eventually marry. I know, when I want to get know someone, I always send them out to be nowhere near me and wrestle. My parents wrestled in different rooms for the first 30 years of their marriage.
We’re 25 minutes into the show and nothing has happened. Arie brings his girlfriends to a place that has RVs and couches. I can’t explain it because it makes no sense. Arie tells his girls that he’s proud of them for fake wrestling. You guys were proud of them too, admit it.
Immediately, Krystal pulls Arie aside to have alone time with him. The other women get mad at Krystal for trying to spend time with her boyfriend. Arie says 4 words to Krystal and then jams his tongue down her throat. Arie is, by far, the creepiest Bachelor of all time. He just leans right in for the tonsil hockey. Why talk to women when you can choke their throats with your saliva? It’s really gross. I hate him.
After tasting Krystal, Arie talks to Bibiana, despite the grading sound of her voice. I really dislike when Bibiana talks. It’s like listening to someone start a chainsaw and then throw it into a running garbage disposal. Arie is concerned that Bibiana might be too dramatic and emotional to be a candidate for his heart. He’s not interested in someone who really cares. Let this be a lesson to you kids at home, never care about anything. If you vow not to care, you’re likely to make it to the top 3 of a stupid gameshow. Aim high, kids.
Next up, Arie makes out with Tia. Arie comforts Tia because he can tell she didn’t want to wrestle. Then, he jams his tongue into her lower intestine. Tia likes it, or she has a funny way of showing she doesn’t. Tia likes Arie. She tells the camera that he’s bleeping awesome. The bleep was a swear, you guys. I didn’t want to steal your innocence with the swear word.
Fresh off of licking Tia’s insides, Aria sits on a couch with Bekah and talks to her for 39 seconds. When that talking gets old, they slurp each other’s faces. Bekah tells the camera that she hasn’t experienced this type of chemistry in a long time. She’s going to be upset watching this back and realizing Arie experienced that type of chemistry a minute ago. I hope Bekah liked how Tia tasted.
Arie liked licking Bekah’s insides. He grabs the group date rose and gives it to Bekah. The other girls hate Bekah because they want their boyfriend to themselves. So selfish!
It’s the next day. Keep up! Krystal talks to Tia and complains about how the other girls are jealous of her. She seems super deep. I’d love to spend a ton of time with Krystal and just talk about life. I don’t at all want to set myself on fire every time she talks.
Lauren S. has the 1-on-1 date. I have never seen this woman before. A limo takes Lauren S. TO A PRIVATE PLANE!!!!!111!1!!!!!! Arie jumps out of the plane and acts like it’s his plane and his grand idea to take Lauren S. on a wonderful date. Arie tells Lauren S. that he’s taking her to a vineyard and she says “Stop it” so she must hate vineyards.
Arie and Lauren S. drink wine and walk around the vineyard. I miss the fake wrestling. They talk and there’s talking. Bachelor interns set out food that no one eats. Arie must not really like Lauren S. because he’s talking to her and he’s not forcing his mouth over her face. Something’s wrong.
After all of that nothing, it’s nighttime. Arie takes Lauren S. to a building or something. They drink more wine because no one could handle this sober. Lauren is nervous. She tells the camera, “I’m going to be really real with you, I’m nervous.” She must be nervous because you can’t be really real with someone and not tell the truth. That would be really false. Lauren S. is really real, you guys. You have no idea. She’s literally real.
Lauren S. talks about her family and her life. They’re still not making out. Arie’s face looks super pained because he doesn’t know what to do with a woman unless he’s brushing their teeth with his tongue. Lauren S. is blowing this. The date is not going well, you guys. It’s a catastropharie!
Arie picks up the 1-on-1 date rose and tells Lauren S. that he can’t give it to her. He’s such a douchebag. He literally smells the rose as he’s picking it up in a super playful way, then dumps her. He says, “I know that your family is important to you and I don’t want to waste your time, but I want you to know that you’re amazing.” Hey Arie, if she’s amazing, maybe don’t dump her! Sorry she didn’t let you wrestle her face, Arie! Now we only have 3 Laurens, Arie! That’s hardly any Laurens! I lack Laurens! America lacks Laurens! Idiot!
Lauren S. handles the dumping well. She blames everything on the stupid way she talked and tried to get to know the man she was supposed to be dating. Let this be a lesson to you kids at home, never talk to anyone or get to know them. It’s a sure fire way to get dumped.
When the Bachelor interns enter the mansion to take Lauren S.’s stuff away, the other girlfriends are shocked. Krystal starts to talk about how she could see this coming because Lauren S. doesn’t open up. She goes on and on. Caroline gets mad at Krystal. She says, “My God, I’m literally going to kill Krystal.” Well, Caroline, literally killing someone is a crime, so it’s not a good idea to announce to authorities that you’re literally going to murder someone. The police will literally arrest you and you will go to jail.
Caroline doubles down on the literallys when she says “I’m literally crying.” But, she was literally crying, so I’ll allow the 2nd “literally.”
The next group date is next. Keep up! Arie gathers a handful of girlfriends and brings them to a dog park. Then, each girlfriend gets a dog. There’s a dog trainer too, so we get to watch dog training. The trainer says that the girls will train the dogs and then the dogs will perform in front of a live audience. Again, I never get see these events live!
Annaliese is nervous about the dog date. She tells the camera about a traumatic experience she had with a dog as a child. A family dog attacked her. ABC gives us gripping reenactment footage of a little dog barking at a young girl. ABC really dug deep with the production this week. They’ve never used reenactment footage before. I take back all of the bad things I’ve ever said about ‘The Bachelor’.
As if my life couldn’t get worse, Chris Harrison pulls in Fred Willard to guest announce the dog show. I wish so badly Fred Willard didn’t lower himself to this. I love Fred Willard. Fred, I would have mailed you everything I own to say no to this. Why, Fred? Why?
The dog show happens. The girls ask their dogs to perform tricks. It’s stupid. Chris Harrison sits next to Fred Willard and tries to be funny. He fails because Chris Harrison is the worst and incapable of being the least bit amusing. Even comedy legend Fred Willard can’t help him. This is the worst date in Bachelor history. Why do I watch this show? I’ll never get back the 10 minutes of my life. I don’t deserve this! No one does! You’re not even reading this recap, and I can’t blame you. Who would?
Next comes a cocktail hour. Arie brings his girlfriends to a place with candles and alcohol. That’s a dangerous mix. He pulls Chelsea aside first so they can talk and slurp faces. Chelsea talks a ton and it’s painful. She talks about how she’s ready to find love and is in a good place. She says, “I’m here to discover myself through someone else. And I actually adore the person I’ve become today.” Imagine saying something like that out loud? Every time you think you hate one of these women the most, you’re reminded that you hate a different one more. The Bachelor is a gift of hate that just keeps giving.
After slurping Chelsea, Arie slurps Caroline. I’m so uncomfortable watching him inhale these women. He does it in a super aggressive, anxious way. He makes out with these women like my dog eats dinner, like he’s afraid if he doesn’t eat all his food immediately it’ll go away. I can’t believe these women like Arie. He creeps me out.
Annaliese gets alone time with Arie next. They don’t make out immediately, so you know he doesn’t like her. This is more traumatic than the dog attack. Poor Annaliese. She talked to him for 3 minutes and they didn’t kiss. Arie kisses another woman I don’t recognize 11 seconds after Annaliese leaves. Annaliese feels awkward, so she thinks about getting her coat to leave. I hope she goes through with it.
Wait, I was typing that sentence and Arie is kissing a different woman. It’s Becca, the other Becca. There are 2 Becca/Bekahs guys! Arie slurped two Becca/Bekahs in one night! He’s like the Lou Gehrig of slurping Beccas! Sports quota filled.
Arie gives the group date rose to Chelsea because ABC producers told him to. Chelsea is a plant. She’s too stupidly mean to not be. I might be wrong. Who cares? No one is reading this.
The cocktail party is next. The girls are nervous. ABC plays the kind of music you’d hear played in a movie if a small child was getting swept down Niagara Falls. The stakes are high.
Before the cocktail party, Arie gives the most pretentious and smarmy speech ever. With a smile on his face he says, “Obviously a hard date with Lauren. I hope everyone understands that I have to be decisive and, when I don’t feel it, it won’t work. But I’m excited so let’s have a good night!”
Bibiana is excited to make a good impression with Arie. She sets up a couch, pillows and a telescope for romantic star gazing. Before she has a chance to show him, Arie and Lauren B. stumble upon the romantic setup and start to make out on it. All of Bibiana’s hard work led to someone else’s tonguage. Arie makes out with three separate women on Bibiana’s couch set up. I hope this means this is the last night I have to hear her voice.
Bekah climbs all over Arie. They talk, but not for long. They slurp a bunch. It’s perverse. I don’t know how these people dry hump 3 feet away from a pair of sweaty camera guys and a boom mic operator. I can’t even pee if someone is standing next to me. There is so much slurping. I hate it. There are still 30 minutes left in the episode. No one is reading these words.
The other girlfriends are talking about Annaliese because she’s the only one who hasn’t kissed Arie. Even the interns have made out with him at this point. Annalise pulls Arie aside and she brings up the kissing thing. She wants to know why he hasn’t tried to kiss her. He says they’re not at that point yet. This man will kiss a woman before learning her name, but he’s not “at that point” with Annaliese. She should have left when she had the chance. I like Annaliese. The nice ones always have the most embarrassing experiences.
Annaliese goes to the bathroom to cry. She doesn’t want to give up. She vows to find Arie and ask why he doesn’t like her. It’s a bad idea. Because Bachelor producers care about these people, they do nothing to stop Annaliese. Good job, assholes.
Annaliese asks Arie if they have a future. He tells her he doesn’t think they have a future. They hug. Arie walks Annaliese out. This is the best thing that could have ever happened to her. This is like getting your leg caught in a bear trap, but chewing the leg off and crawling away before the hunters find you.
The rose ceremony is next. Two women have already been dumped and one more will be dumped. It won’t be Bibiana because ABC knows I hate it when she talks, and ABC loves the things I hate. Arie hands out the roses and manages to not lick the roof of anyone’s mouth. He’s showing tremendous restraint.
Chris Harrison announces there is one rose left because that’s all he does. Marihk and Bibiana are the only two left. I have no idea who Marihk is. When the dust clears, it is Bibiana who gets dumped. It just goes to show, if you want something bad enough, it might happen. Bibiana does talk for seven minutes before leaving, so I get to suffer through that. The episode is over, but I can’t do this much longer. I hate this show.