Late this past December, the 2013 phone book arrived at my door, just in time to provide me with the most up-to-date Western New York home phone number information for the new year. I hate when the phone company procrastinates in sending my phone book. Itâs like when the paper boy doesnât bother doing the inserts and I donât get the TV Topics on Sunday.
How do these two things still exist?
You all have the internet and âguideâ buttons on your remote controls, right? How many trees have to die in vain? Phone Books and TV Topics are tooth and nail in a title game of uselessness. Unfortunately, for both, itâs like a MAC Championship game when compared to the SEC champ of uselessness, VCR Plus codes.
VCR Plus was a cool invention 4,000 years ago. Instead of fooling around with a timer on your VCR, people can just punch in a code for their shows and, as long as there is a tape in the machine, your show will automatically tape. Up to 6 months ago, they would post the VCR Plus code numbers for shows in the TV Topics. It was like posting nutritional information on a fruitcake; no one cares about the thing about the thing no one cares about.
The TV Topics no longer post VCR Plus codes. Did anyone actually read down this far? I enjoy being stupid so I did a search to find out where the one guy who still uses a VCR can find his VCR Plus codes. This search brought me to the official VCR Plus website. Visiting the VCR Plus website is like visiting the Summit Park Mall.
In order to gain entry to the glorious VCR Plus website and be granted access to the mystical secrets within, one must create a VCR Plus profile. So I did. Iâm âJoeâ, an insurance salesman in the Midwest and I have big arms. With this new secret identity, I can explore the loneliest place on the internet, the VCRPlus.com Message Board.
The VCRPlus.com message board is the place to be to assist and seek assistance on all things VCR Plus-related. If you have a question about VCR plus, donât write your Congressman or call your Dad, throw VCRPlus.com in your browser and let the philanthropistic people of the internet serve you. Want to complain about how stupid and convenient DVR recording is? Travel to the VCRPlus.com message board and letâem have it!
The VCRPlus.com message board is a depressing place. There are a dozen or so people with questions posted that will never be answered; questions like:
Thatâs an actual question on VCRPlus.com. None of the questions have an admin or user reply. Itâs like the admin who gets paid good money to monitor VCRPlus.com doesnât even care anymore. Thatâs why VCRs went under– poor leadership.
Iâve decided to step up and take charge for the lost souls of the VCRPlus.com message board. Wayne âSomethingâ has a pressing matter from October that needs an immediate response, so I logged in and helped.
Sadly, because digital recording technology has taken over, my research has found that no publications lists VCR Plus codes but THE MAN hasnât won yet. VCRPlus.com has a VCR Plus code generator. Wayne didnât do the science! You just enter in the channel and time block of your favorite shows and VCRPlus.com will give you a code. The VCR Plus code to âMarrying the Gameâ on VH1 tomorrow at midnight is 144618. Now, everyone on TrendingBuffalo.com can tape âMarrying the Gameâ while theyâre out bowling or getting ice cream.
By the way, how does a guy who still programs a VCR use phrases like, âI seem unableâ? Wayne obviously had access to a computer and this computer was capable of downloading any show. Is he a prisoner to VCRs? Did he use the computer at the library to post his question to VCRPlus.com? Is Wayne an Afghan spy who is using this desolate site to transmit secret codes to the government? I think Wayne is a misunderstood superstar in the making. He just needed a little push.
I feel like Iâve done enough good deeds to get me into Heaven, so Iâm going to coast from now on and be a bit of a jerk. Maybe Iâll take up smoking and just throw butts and packaging anywhere I please and especially on front lawns because, we all know, thatâs the worst possible thing a human being can do.
Iâm hoping my membership to the VCR Plus family will spur new interest in the site. Perhaps theyâll get excited and launch VCRPlusMessageBoardMembersMingle.com. Iâve secured the domain. Iâm totally into ladies who have busy schedules and outdated recording equipment.
Greg Bauch is the author of Frank Dates, soon to be released on VHS, Betamax, and LaserDisc.