WIVB-TV is a lovely news organization. Like all television news outlets on the cutting edge of technology they have a Twitter feed, @news4buffalo. Most stations cover the same stories the same way, but there’s something special about how Channel 4 uses Twitter.
Mostly, they’re depressing as hell. I swear it’s their mission to bum Buffalo out with its horrific news about the awfulness of humanity. It’s Buffalo’s own pit of infinite sadness.
This all happened over five hours on Monday on the saddest Twitter feed of all time:
"Boom" update: Police say a man shot a target in a ravine Sunday evening, causing a large explosion http://t.co/sSvBJ83Q
— News 4 Buffalo (@news4buffalo) January 14, 2013
I have no idea what a “Boom” update is. I just assume when terrible news comes in, Al Vaughters and Don Postles bump fists and Postles goes, “Boom.”
Sabres sold a record-breaking amount of tickets yesterday. Are you going to a game? http://t.co/9L2A6ipd
— News 4 Buffalo (@news4buffalo) January 14, 2013
If you think about this long enough, this is incredibly depressing as well.
A man with a violent criminal past pleaded guilty to aiding in the robbery of a pizza delivery driver http://t.co/9FlUU9tq
— News 4 Buffalo (@news4buffalo) January 14, 2013
“VIOLENT MAN STILL VIOLENT,” a more generic man might say.
For 18 hours, a 67-year-old woman was trapped in her car in a pond as temperatures plunged into the teens: http://t.co/wudDpAxX
— News 4 Buffalo (@news4buffalo) January 14, 2013
I actually read this story. This happened in Minnesota. WIBV is so dedicated to misery they import it from other states! Minnesota: Land of 1,000 icy geriatric deathtraps.
A Wyoming County man was arrested after deputies say he struck a 3-year-old child during a domestic incident: http://t.co/d6zsqF9f
— News 4 Buffalo (@news4buffalo) January 14, 2013
Surely this man is the worst person in the world. But wait, there’s two more hours left in our sample size!
Remember Metro; the emaciated puppy found by Rural Metro drivers? Today she's being adopted by one of her rescuers. pic.twitter.com/iIMguNoB
— Anthony Congi (@AnthonyCongi) January 14, 2013
This is the only bit of good news today, and they had to starve a dog to get it. Also, it’s a retweet, and we all know those are NOT endorsements.
Over 700 patients at #Buffalo VA Hosp. possibly exposed to HIV, hepatitis B or hepatitis C due to reuse of insulin pens http://t.co/D6PhuZ7y
— News 4 Buffalo (@news4buffalo) January 14, 2013
The second graph says there’s a “very small risk,” but you should probably give your hepatitis-infested grandmother a call anyway, you putz.
A Buffalo man has admitted he purposely crashed his car into a fire station in Williamsville, causing $500K in damage: http://t.co/vyJceLgg
— News 4 Buffalo (@news4buffalo) January 14, 2013
Boom.
Buffalo: If the old people aren’t plowing into buildings, they’ve probably got HIV.
http://medicapharm.com/hepatitis.html