(Editor’s note: Mixed into a rambling narrative about the current state of affairs in the NFL loaded with historical and pop culture references, Mr. Brutal makes some football picks. Why does he call it the “War of 1812 Football Prognostication”? He likes history, he’s Canadian, and it probably has something to do with those two facts. That’s all we’ve got.)
Sunday, November 30, 2014
1:00 pm Eastern Standard Time
Washington @ INDIANAPOLIS (-10) 51
The Palace Coup is semi-complete and Colt McCoy starts at QB for the Proof of Native American Demise in the City of Speed. RGIII has been given the dreaded “He’s not completely out of our future plans” designation & that is the “Kiss of Death” for the former Heisman winner.
Obviously Caesar Snyder has signed off on this and believes that the team’s future lies better in the hands of Quick Draw McCoy & the incredibly overrated Head Coach he hired away from his Offensive Coordinator job with the Bengals where he spectacularly fizzled & imploded each year in the playoffs.
Safety LaRon Landry of the Colts breathed a sigh of relief two weeks ago after the first round of DEA raids didn’t involve Indy since they are in the middle of a three game home-stand and the raids only involved teams visiting out of state.
So LaRon, pay the extra express air mail delivery charge on that Bulgarian blood & urine cleanse & hope it arrives before the Colts head to Cleveland next week.
The change at QB means Washington gets a boost in the locker room and keeps it close.
Pick: Claret Parchments of Aboriginal Demise (+10)
Bob: Redskins +10
Tennessee @ HOUSTON (-7) 42.5
Mallett gone, Fitz back? Texans win, … but not by seven.
Pick: Titans (+7)
Bob: Titans +7
Cleveland @ BUFFALO (-1.5)
The Ralph is clear of snow and ice. It no longer poses a threat to the Titanic. The Bills are rolling, they are the feelgood story of the moment, and after their humiliating drubbing of the Jets in the Motor City Neutral Site Bowl, ….. they almost look good to very good.
At 190 miles, this is the shortest road trip in the NFL for the Browns, but it won’t be the most pleasant.
Publicity Succubus Johnny Dillinger Manziel is at it again. We warned recently reinstated WR Josh “Flash” Gordon last week to avoid a list of secular pleasures on the road trip to Atlanta. We should have added Mr. Manziel to that list of things for Mr. Gordon to avoid.
Johnny didn’t even wait till he left “The Rock n’ Roll Capital of the World” till he engaged in yet another incident of misunderstood late night shenanigans.
Apparently, at 2:37 am Saturday, Johnny Angelic was returning from a late night cultural excursion when he was approached by an individual who wanted to hug the adorable living Kewpie doll in the lobby of the hotel that he lives in while serving the sentence of his “Winter of Discontent” in downtown Cleveland.
Apparently, Johnny’s posse of tutors, nutritionists & life coaches who travel with him at all times, thought the man to be a danger, possibly inebriated, armed and a likely member of ISIS.
Apparently, they then saved Johnny Angel from being victimized by beating the snot out of this autograph seeking urban terrorist.
Good thing, you can never be too careful. Pity that some citizen misconceived this intervention and called the cops.
Pick: BUFFALO (-1.5)
Bob: Buffalo -1.5
San Diego @ BALTIMORE (-5)
Phillip Rivers & the Chargers looked better last week and eked out a win over the Rams. For years, coming east and playing the early game was a problem for west coast teams. Recently that trend has reversed with the coming of Tivo & PVR’s.
Now the players don’t get stressed by disruptions in their living habits and can watch recorded versions of their favourite Sunday morning shows like “Meet the Press,” “Face the Nation” and “Bill Moyers’ Journal” after the game.
Pick: Chargers (+5)
Bob: Ravens -5
New York Football Giants @ JACKSONVILLE +3
How far the mighty have fallen down the beanstalk. A “Pick ‘Em” game against the Jax Hot Tubs?
Even Coughlin can’t get the Giants motivated in this one.
Pick: JAGUARS +3
Bob: Giants -3
Cincinnati (-5) @ TAMPA BAY 44
Can the Bengals win three in a row and continue to lead the AFC North by the slimmest of margins? …. Yes!, but they’ll play down to their opponent and probably only win by a field goal & crush the saps back in Cincy who bet on the home team.
Pick: BUCCANEERS (+5)
Bob: Cincy -5
Oakland @ SAINT LOUIS (-7) 43
The Raiders rose to the occasion last Thursday, { as we predicted } and got their first win of the year over the Chiefs. This game was notable for three things:
1.) The “Party like it’s the end of the Earth tomorrow” sack celebration on third down that almost cost the Raiders the game. [ You are forgiven Khalil Mack because we tend to pardon ex University of Buffalo stars ]
2.) The immediate post game, on field interview with Raiders’ rookie QB Derek Carr where his joy at leading Oakland to its first win in over a full calendar year prompted him to thank Jesus over ten times in twenty seconds. This ratio of expressions of gratitude to the Savior per minute is similar to that of Televangelist Preachers when they review their bank accounts each week.
We also think Derek thanked the following in particular order ( We say we think, because he spoke so fast some of this was a blur & he appeared to be speaking in tongues ):
Jesus Christ, God, Yahweh, Jesus, Jehovah, Christ, Billy Graham, Jah, Ra, Buddha, Allah, Jim Bakker, Joel Osteen, Benny Hinn, Jimmy Swaggert, Oral Roberts, Jim Jones & Earnest Angley.
Now we are genuinely happy for Derek & the Raiders, and if he thinks his faith helped him get through the travails & indignities of losing football games, …. good for him. What was of particular interest was his statement that Jesus/God was with the Raiders throughout their long losing streak and was guiding their faith along the difficult path followed by highly paid professional athletes.
Really? ….. then by using that logic, I can only assume that Jesus Christ & God were not paying attention to the game with the Chiefs because Thursday is their Father & Son Bowling League night.
Despite the win, the ten days off & the fact that the Raider victory had several Black Hole members leave the Church of Wicca to convert to Christianity; Rams win at home.
Because this is a Sunday, …. and Jesus & God will be back to their usual schedule of closely following & intervening in the Raiders’ affairs.
Pick: RAMS (-7)
Bob: Raiders +7
New Orleans @ PITTSBURGH (-3.5) 52
Nobody likes the Saints in this spot, outdoors, on the road, playing like shit, ………… but we do!
Pick: Saints (+3.5)
Bob: Pitt -3.5
Carolina @ VIKINGS (-2.5) 43
After a Bye Week, Cam Newton is back from his refit in the Transformers’ garage. It won’t matter, the Panthers losing streak continues outside in the North, in the cold against a Vikings’ team that almost beat Green Bay last week.
Losing is getting to Cam, he appears to be only slightly more enthusiastic about playing quarterback in the NFL than Michael “Fido” Vick. He has one decent deep threat in rookie Kelvin Benjamin, but he is big, raw, and doesn’t know how to run routes.
Pick: VIKINGS (-2.5)
Bob: Vikings -2.5
4:05 pm – 4:25 pm Eastern Standard Time
Arizona (-2) @ ATLANTA 44.5
How little respect! The first place Cards only give up 19 points in Seattle in a game that some thought they should have been the favorite. Now they are only a minor chalk choice playing the flightless Falcons. Who would believe this? …… We would……
Little red birds get eviscerated by the birds of prey.
Pick: FALCONS (+2)
Bob: Arizona -2
New England @ GREEN BAY (-3) 58
Brady vs. Rogers, The Model vs. Every-man, Bunchen vs. Munn, Hype vs. Hype, Minutemen vs. Longshoremen, Announcer superlatives ad nauseum for three and a half hours on Sunday afternoon.
Pick: PACKERS (-3)
Bob: Packers -3
6:00 pm Eastern Standard Time
102nd GREY CUP in Vancouver, British Columbia
Hamilton @ CALGARY (-8) 52.5
That’s right! … the 102nd Grey Cup, started before the First World War in 1909 when the University of Toronto Blues defeated the Toronto Parkdale Canoe Club 26-6.
The second best looking trophy in Team Sports was built at a cost of $48.00. Like the Stanley Cup it was commissioned by a member of the British aristocracy.
It has a colorful history that includes theft, partial destruction, kidnapping, rowdy parties and losing teams refusing to surrender the trophy prompting court ordered threats of legal action.
Blue collar Hamilton, Steel-town, The Hammer versus White collar Cow-town, the Oil Patch.
Sort of Pittsburgh, Cleveland or Buffalo vs. Houston, Dallas or Oklahoma City.
Random Notes to Bet on:
…. Hamilton has won 8 Grey Cups { 8- 11 }
…. Calgary has won 6 Grey Cups {6-7}
Hamilton has the best run defense in the CFL. Calgary is the best running team with the top rusher; CFL MVP & Outstanding Canadian Jon Cornish
Calgary has the best pass defense in the CFL, Hamilton the second best pass defense.
Both quarterbacks are young and inexperienced in the playoffs,
Calgary has statistically the best defensive line & Hamilton the best offensive line that surrenders the fewest sacks.
Calgary went 16-3 on the year and was clearly the best team and most consistent in the CFL. Hamilton went 10-9, but that is deceiving. They had a multitude of injuries in the first half, including both quarterbacks. So they started the year 2-6, but with healthy players finished 9-2, including their playoff win over the sizzling hot Montreal Alouettes.
Close game, indoors in Vancouver. The difference will be the Special Teams of Hamilton. Last week multipurpose burner Brandin Banks had two Punt Return/Kick return Touchdowns for the Tiger Cats against the Alouettes. Banks was a standout at Kansas State under Bill Snyder but was considered too small for the NFL.
Calgary’s Achilles Heel is their punt & kick coverage units. The fast indoor turf of BC Place is tailor made for Banks. Hamilton special teams coach Jeff Reinebold is a former head coach in the CFL, a disciple of June Jones and considered excellent in preparing his team. The return game is really important in the CFL with the bigger field, no fair catches and higher frequency of punts & kickoffs with no touchbacks.
Banks & the Ticats continue their streak, pull out the upset win and if not, …… at least a cover.
Pick: Tiger-Cats (+8)
Bob: Calgary -8
8:30 pm Eastern Standard Time
Denver (-2.5) @ KANSAS CITY 49.5
Game of the weekend. After 10 days off to lick their wounds, the Chiefs will be ready to rebound from that stomach churning loss to the Raiders on Thursday Night. That, and the insult of being made a small dog at home to Robby the Robot Manning and the Broncos should really inspire the Chiefs and their fans in Deadly Decibel Stadium.
The Broncos scraped by Miami last week at home, ending their two game losing streak, but their defense and the totality of injuries on both sides of the ball were a concern.
Peyton Manning is more of a Country Music fan { Surprise! } than a student of early 1970’s Glam Rock. Too bad, because he’ll be hearing a lot of Gary Glitter Sunday night at deafening volumes.
Pick: CHIEFS, CHIEFS, …… CHIEFS! CHIEFS! CHIEFS! (+2.5)
Bob: KC +2.5
Monday, December 1, 2014
8:30 pm Eastern Standard Time
Miami (-7.5) @ NEW YORK J-E-T-S, JETS! JETS! JETS! 41.5
Recent Events in Moribund Mortality:
1.) Australian cricket batsmen Phil Hughes was recently killed by a pitch that hit him in the head just under his helmet.
2.) English crime author P.D. James passed away at the age of 94.
3.) Due to the ban on exporting rare chemicals for lethal injection by the European Union, Utah lawmakers in a 9-2 vote passed legislation bringing back the “Firing Squad” as the preferred method of execution in capital punishment. They join the always broad minded, avant-garde state of Oklahoma in adopting this forward thinking approach to Penology.
4.) Geno Smith has his starting job back at QB for the J-e-t-s, Jets! Jets! Jets! after the injury to Michael “Rin Tin Tin” Vick.
In the present Karmic Universe Cycle, Geno should give thanks that:
He is not Australian, doesn’t write crime novels & that presently Capital Punishment is not legal in New York State or New Jersey, ….. and that “Ghastly, Appalling & Horrific Ineptitude while playing Quarterback” is not considered a felony or capital offense.
That being said, the Water Mammals are coming off a tough loss in Denver. This is their second road game in a row. The differential in climate and urban ekistics of Denver & the Meadowlands can be a jolting experience.
A Division rival plays it close on Monday Night as a farewell to Rex in his last winnable game at home as boss. { the Patriots are scheduled as the last home game }
Pick: JETS (+7.5)
Bob: Jets +7.5
