Paul McCartney joining Nirvana? Oh, the possibilities.

Word has it that Paul McCartney will fill-in for the late Kurt Cobain as two-thirds of Nirvana reunite for tonight’s special Hurricane Sandy relief concert at Madison Square Garden.

This has some potential, in large part because it’s so difficult to picture Cobain’s lyrics coming out of Sir Paul’s mouth.

Oh, the possibilities. Use the elderly British accent in your head to imagine these gems.

Here we are now. Entertain us.

Barney ties me to the chair
I can’t see, I’m really scared
Floyd breathes hard, I hear a zip
Pee-Pee pressed against my lips
-Floyd the Barber

A mulatto
An albino
A mosquito
My libido
Yay! [x3]
-Smells Like Teen Spirit

We can have some more – nature is a whore
Bruises on the fruit – tender age in bloom
-In Bloom

I like it – I’m not gonna crack
I miss you – I’m not gonna crack
I love you – I’m not gonna crack
I killed you – I’m not gonna crack

Polly wants a cracker
I think I should get off her first
I think she wants some water
To put out the blow torch

With eyes so dialated,
I’ve become your pupil
You’ve taught me everything
Without a poison apple
The water is so yellow, I’m a healthy student
Indebted and so grateful –
Vacuum out the fluids
-Drain You

Somewhere I have heard this before
In a dream of memory restored
As a defense I’m neutered and spayed
What the hell am I trying to say?
-On A Plain

Underneath the bridge
The tarp has sprung a leak
And the animals I’ve trapped
Have all become my pets
And I’m living off of grass
And the drippings from the ceiling
It’s okay to eat fish
‘Cause they don’t have any feelings
-Something In The Way

Had to eat my dinner there
Mashed potatos and stuff like that
I couldn’t chew my meat too good

She laughs about it
Shrinking inflections if the wind blows just right
Jacking themselves off polyester
I wanna jump, this isn’t right!
Hey, when am I getting it back?
I got my diddly spayed [x3]
I got my diddly

Sickening pessimist hypocrite master
Conservative Communist apocalyptic bastard
Thank you dear God for putting me on this Earth
I feel very privileged in debt for my thirst!

Roll into my bed which does consist of
Lice, bugs and fleas and yellow mucus
Stained dirt, vaseline, toe jam and booger
Stomach acid worms that dance in sugared sludge
-Mexican Seafood

Teenage angst has paid off well
Now I’m bored and old
Self-appointed judges judge
More than they have sold
-Serve The Servants

Meat-eating orchids forgive no one just yet
Cut myself on angel’s hair and baby’s breath
Broken hymen of your highness I’m left black
Throw down your umbilical noose so I can climb right back
-Heart-Shaped Box

My favorite inside source
I’ll kiss your open sores
Appreciate your concern
You’ll always stink and burn
Rape me
Rape me my friend
Rape me
Rape me again
-Rape Me

I own my own pet virus
I get to pet and name her
Her milk is my shit
My shit it is her milk
-Milk It

I’m on warm milk and laxatives
Cherry-flavored antacids
Sit and drink Pennyroyal Tea
Distill the life that’s inside of me
Sit and drink Pennyroyal Tea
I’m anemic royalty
-Pennyroyal Tea

(Note: Don’t actually count how many are listed here. We only put “12” in the headline because it’s the thing to do today.)

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