I’ve been shot by BB guns, folded into couch beds and dunked in toilets, but never has anyone treated me as cruelly as ABC is treating me this week. Back-to-back nights of ‘The Bachelorette’. That’s like back-to-back nights of lying in a bathtub full of leeches. Which is to say it’s bad. Leeches are bad. Keep up!
Rachel still hasn’t found love. It’s like she’s not even trying. To be fair, it’s hard to find love when ABC only hooks you up with people who fight with each other. There’s a huge fight tonight. They’re promising us that people are going to bleed and/or die. ABC loves promising death.
Kenny and Lee used to be friends a long time ago (Tuesday), but now they’re not friends anymore. They’re arguing and Kenny just took Lee outside to “talk.” I guess they’re going to fight or something.
We pick things up on a group date. Rachel is sitting in a boat with Bryan. They’re not sailing. It’s just a docked boat sitting in the water. I’m not sure if they’re squatting in some poor dude’s boat or if ABC rented a boat for them to sit in. There’s no time to worry about it because Bryan just went all in. He told Rachel he really likes her and said, “I’m going all in.” He’s totally in, you guys. Bryan is 100% in. There is 0% of him that is not in.
We’re back to the Kenny and Lee talk/fight. Kenny is trying to explain to Lee how much of a jerk he is but Lee keeps interrupting him. Kenny calls Lee a snake. He says that Lee lies and that lying is exactly what a snake would do. Kenny might be right. Kenny tells Lee that he has caught him and is calling Lee out on his bullshit. ABC bleeps out the “shit” part but I keep things real so you guys can read the swear part.
Lee walks away while Kenny is in the middle of his speech. It’s exactly what a snake would do. Go ahead and corner a snake in your yard and try to reason with it. It will totally crawl away. Watch. Snakes are snakes. Kenny is not happy, but he can’t do anything because ABC asked him not to punch Lee until the end of the episode.
Back to the date, Rachel walks back into the house thing they’re hanging out in and gives Bryan the group date rose. Bryan is totally in, now you guys. He might be in more than 100%. That’s not even possible. Bryan is defying physics. He should change his name to Defyin’. You guys are jerks.
As soon as Rachel leaves, Kenny congratulates Bryan and calls Lee names. Lee says “bleep you.” I can’t uncover what that bleep says because sometimes my mom reads these. Kenny tells Lee that he’d kill him if they fought and Lee accuses him of being threatening again. They yell and it looks like there might be a fight. Going into commercial, Chris Harrison says, “You won’t believe what happens.” ABC doesn’t think much of me. I will totally believe what happens. Unless Rachel sits down with a crate full of pigeons, and devours them while they’re still alive, I’ll believe what happens next.
The next one-on-one date is next. Some guy named Jack Stone gets the one-on-one date. I don’t know who he is, but I’m assuming his name is made up. Jack Stone is what you call the token 80’s wrestler who loses to Hulk Hogan.
Jack and Rachel take a horse-drawn carriage to some place. There are oysters at the place, so they eat them. We get to watch Rachel and Jack eat oysters. We’re so lucky. Next, Rachel and Jack dance in front of people. I miss the oyster eating. Those were simpler times. There’s four minutes of dancing.
Rachel likes Jack, but she feels like something is missing. They’re both attorneys and they have a lot in common, but she’s not feeling it romantically. For those of you scoring at home, romantically is the best way to feel things.
Jack takes Rachel down to a beach-like area and explains how much he likes looking at Rachel. He’s trying to build up the nerve to kiss her, but he has no game. Jack moves in for the slurp, but Rachel throws up the D. She is not into him. It’s painful. ABC makes us watch five minutes of awkward laughing as Racheal avoids Jack. Jack, I fear, is going home.
Back at the hotel, Lee is talking to Will about the Kenny situation. Apparently, Will is the last person left who will actually listen to Lee. Lee is asking Will to agree that Kenny is out of line for being aggressive and angry. Will explains that Lee erred in calling Kenny “aggressive.” Will says that “aggressive” is not a label black men are comfortable with because it’s racially charged. Will is black, for the record. Lee disagrees that he did anything racially insensitive. I mean, you wouldn’t expect a racially insensitive person to comprehend their insensitivity. If that were the case, it would be sensitivity. The very definition of insensitivity is a lack of sensitivity. No one suffers from racial sensitivity. That’s just called not being an asshole.
Jack’s failed date continues. He and Rachel go to a house, or something. They sit down in front of some food they won’t eat. Jack toasts their evening that will end badly. Rachel talks to Jack to fill some time before dumping him. Jack tells the camera that he’s falling for Rachel and sees a future with her, making this more uncomfortable. Jack is nice but when he smiles he looks like a serial killer. It doesn’t help that his name is Jack Stone.
Jack says he’d like to take Rachel back to Dallas. She asks what he would do if he took her back to Dallas. Jack says, “I would take you back to Dallas, lock the door, throw everything out and just talk. We would just lie in bed and talk.” It’s a super serial killer thing to say. Rachel wasn’t feeling it. She’s just keeping it real.
Rachel picks up the one-on-one date rose like she’s going to give it to Jack. She then explains that she doesn’t like him romantically, the most important way to like someone. She dumps Jack. Jack doesn’t say anything. He just stares at her for three minutes. Rachel keeps talking. Eventually, Rachel walks Jack out. Jack’s gone. Hit the road, Jack.
Coming back from commercial, ABC shows us an alligator. Rachel stands on a balcony and thinks. She’s thinking about all her boyfriends and how she wants one of them to be her husband. She should choose one and date him? I don’t know.
Rachel cancelled the cocktail party, so we’re heading straight to the rose ceremony. As far as loving all this drama, I am 100% in, you guys. You guys are 100% in too, admit it! The guys get ready for the rose ceremony too. Kenny stands on a balcony and thinks about how much he doesn’t like Lee. When you’re on a balcony, you can think about anything.
Rachel starts to give out roses. Adam wants a rose so Rachel can get to know him better. He says, “She’s seen a little. She’s had a snack, but I want to give her the full kitchen.” I’m totally going to say that about everything for the rest of my life. Adam gets a rose, so we’ll all get a chance to get the full kitchen.
ABC plays dramatic music and makes it seem like either Kenny or Lee might not get a rose, even though they’ve shown us a bunch of preview footage promising a Kenny and Lee showdown. Nice tease, ABC. We’re not buying it!
Rachel dumps the tickle monster and Iggy. Tickle monster refers to himself in the third person. He actually says, “So, tickle monster didn’t get a rose tonight.” I’m going to say that a bunch too. Iggy cries in front of the camera. He’s a big guy, but that means he has a big heart. He says that he learned a lot about himself in the last four weeks. I learned a lot too. I learned that guys can be named Iggy.
Rachel announces that the smut train is moving to Oslo, Norway. I hope Norway has lots of penicillin.
In Norway, Rachel sits on a rock and thinks about love. She walks the streets of Norway too. I’m assuming that she’s thinking about love while she’s walking, but I’m not sure. I don’t read minds. I can see some snacks, but I can’t see the full kitchen.
Rachel arrives to greet her boyfriends. She tells the guys that there will immediately be a one-on-one date. Bryan gets that one-on-one date. They were just making out in a squat boat, so expect to see a lot of slurping here. Rachel is ascared of how much she likes Bryan. You guys are ascared too, admit it.
Rachel takes Bryan to a giant ramp thing. It’s a ski jump. They’re going to repel down the ramp to prove how stupid this show is. It’s funny because Rachel and Bryan’s relationship was actually progressing and ABC is stalling all of that progress by making them risk their lives.
Rachel is nervous about risking her life for TV ratings. She says, “I think I’m more afraid to let go emotionally than physically, but today I’m more afraid physically.” It’s profound. Rachel is terrified but she pulls herself together. She says that she’s able to repel thousands of feet because Bryan is there with her. It’s romantic. Halfway down their death drop, they kiss while hanging from their ropes. It’s super slurpy. I’m so glad I got to watch it. Rachel and Bryan make it back down to the ground without dying. It’s a Bachelorette miracle.
On the ground, Rachel and Bryan talk. There’s a ton of talking. We watch it. Rachel really likes Bryan. The music is super soft and encouraging. They make out some more. There’s so much goodness in the world, especially Norway.
Back at the hotel, Eric compains to Anthony about the lack of one-on-one dates or black guys. So far, Anthony is the only black guy who has had a one-on-one date and Eric thinks that’s bad. To be fair, there has been a black woman on every single date, so I don’t think there are any racist conspiracies going on.
We’re back on Bryan’s date. Keep up! They sit down in front of food they won’t eat. Rachel has 78 pounds of glitter makeup on her eyelids. If she blinks, it will make a noise like a safe door slamming shut. How could you wear that much glitter? Guys with metal detectors are being led straight to this one-on-one date.
Rachel can’t understand how a guy as good as Bryan could still be single. Bryan explains that he used to be ugly. I’m looking into it. Rachel continues to say nice things. Bryan ups the ante by telling Rachel that he’s falling in love with her. He is so totally all 100% in you guys. Whoa. He’s so in. He’s like fidget spinners, which are also in, I understand.
And, holy shit, after Rachel gives Bryan a rose, they slurp like hyenas eating dead elk. I mean, they go ate it. They do this thing were they’re sitting and making out, but the slurping is so intense that they half-stand. It’s like they needed leverage to up the slurp game. Why do you read these?
Rachel likes Bryan.
The group date is next. All of the names are mentioned except Kenny and Lee. So, Lee and Kenny will get the dreaded two-on-one date, where one of them will be sent home. ABC is going to milk this threat of violence for all it’s worth. Lee antagonizes Kenny by laughing and bragging about how sure he is that Kenny is going home. That’s what snakes do. They brag, you guys. Go ahead and tell a snake in your yard that they’re going on a two-on-one date. That snake will brag about how it’s getting a rose.
Before the stupid two-on-one date, there’s a stupid group date. Rachel wears super casual clothes, so it’ll be a super casual date. The guys show up to a gym. Inside, some Norwegians are playing handball. It’s a popular sport in Norway. Handball looks difficult. It’s like soccer, but you use your hands. Keep up!
A handball coach teaches Rachel’s boyfriends how to play handball. Everyone is getting to know Rachel really well. When my parents first dated, they were taught to play handball for six years before ever really having a conversation.
After handball training, the guys play handball. There are ten minutes of handball. Norwegian sports quota filled. There’s just so much handball you guys. I don’t like it at all. I hate this show.
Back at the hotel, Kenny video chats with his daughter. This lets us see the non-aggressive, sensitive side of Kenny. He cries while talking to his daughter. He misses her. It must be tough. He should probably go home to his daughter instead of dating a woman who is dating a dozen other men on TV. I’m not sure though. I’ve never seen Kenny’s full kitchen.
The group date continues. Keep up! Rachel and her boyfriends go to a cabin or something. There are a bunch of candles lit, so you know that everyone is 100% in.
Rachel grabs Will because he did good at handball. They talk. Will tells Rachel about how his ex-girlfriend hurt him. He describes the hurt. I’m hurt, but only because I have to listen to this. Rachel understands Will’s hurt and tells him that she respects his hurtedness. She’s been hurt too, you guys. Rachel and Will make out because they’ve both been hurt. Let this be a lesson to you guys, if you see someone who has been hurt, immediately make out with that person, but only if you too have also been hurt.
After making out with Will, Rachel makes out with a bunch of other boyfriends. There’s so much slurping. She must have to take breaks to have saliva cleared out of her mouth by one of those dentist suction machines. I immediately regret typing that because it’s disgusting.
Josiah takes Rachel aside and goes 100% in. He lays it on strong and tells Rachel that she’s the woman for him. He says that he wants to grow old with her. Instead of being happy to hear that, Rachel is creeped out. So, when you’re named Bryan, you can be 100% in. When you’re Josiah, it’s creepy. Noted.
Peter takes Rachel outside and makes out with her. I guess it’s his first time kissing her. I can’t keep track. She’s always kissing someone. How was I supposed to know it wasn’t Peter all of those times?
Rachel takes Peter into a hot tub so they can more aggressively make out. It’s all sorts of bubbly and slurpy. When they’re done, the other guys are jealous over their hot tub make out session. Rachel grabs the group date rose and gives it to Will. Peter must feel great about their hot tub make out session. It wasn’t rose worthy.
The two-on-one date is next. Because there are only twenty minutes left in the show, it’s clear that the date will start, escalate to a dramatic moment, and then the episode will end. This stupid show is so predictable. Of course, since there are two episodes this week, we’ll only have to wait one night.
A helicopter arrives to the hotel and picks up Lee and Kenny. Kenny keeps telling the camera that he’s passed his hatred of Lee. Lee tells the camera that he’s going to antagonize Kenny so Rachel can see that he’s a big bully. ABC producers give Lee terrible things to say to make things more dramatic. It’s science.
The helicopter lands on a hill or something. Rachel pulls Kenny aside to talk. They talk. Kenny is nervous. He tells Rachel that he likes her and that he wants to show her that he can be chill. Then, he brings up Lee. It’s the wrong thing to do. Kenny seems happy with how his conversation went.
Lee gets the next chance to talk to Rachel. He does not act cool. Lee tells Rachel that Kenny grabbed him from a van and threatened to fight him. I don’t remember any van grabbing? Lee says that Kenny gets violent when he drinks. I don’t remember that conversation either? Wait, I think Lee is lying. I’m not sure though. I’ve snacked on Lee, but I’ve never gotten the full kitchen.
Rachel is shocked by the Kenny van grab. She doesn’t know who to believe. You guys don’t know who to believe either, admit it. Rachel pulls Kenny aside to get his side of this new van grab revelation. It’s hard for them to talk because it’s four degrees outside in Norway. There’s a lot of snot running.
When Rachel tells Kenny about Lee’s lies, Kenny is exasperated. He tells Rachel that it’s a lie and that he’s always kept it 100%. It’s about time someone kept it 100%. There’s been almost no 100% keeping this week. There’s been 0% 100% keeping. I couldn’t stand it.
Rachel takes Kenny’s side of the story and walks off. Kenny laughs and walks over to Lee. The show ends. ABC promises us that, tomorrow night, there will be blood. They show Kenny with blood on his face, so the blood promise is 100% in. I will buy you a beer if you read down this far.