Kenny’s eye is bleeding, you guys! Wait. Crap. I’m supposed to write these as if you’ve never read a Bachelorette recap before. Okay. Rachel Lindsay started dating 30 men. All…

Kenny’s eye is bleeding, you guys! Wait. Crap. I’m supposed to write these as if you’ve never read a Bachelorette recap before. Okay. Rachel Lindsay started dating 30 men. All 30 of these men want to be on TV, so they signed up to date Rachel. 10 of them were selected because they’re especially annoying, so producers feed them specific dialogue to stir things up. They’ve been told to be even more terrible than most people. One of them was named Whaboom. He’s gone. Don’t ask about Whaboom. Keep up. Another of these guys is named Lee. He’s still on the show. He’s about to punch Kenny. It’s super dramatic. It’s ‘The Bachelorette’.

If you missed last night’s recap, here it is.

So, Kenny and Lee are on a two-on-one date with Rachel. Lee is paid to lie and make Kenny angry, so he’s doing that. Rachel just found out that Lee lies. She walked away for some reason. Now, Kenny and Lee are standing alone in Norway.

I’m so nervous, I just threw up. Rachel is standing by a tree to think. It’s super thinky. She’s such a good thinker. You guys have no idea. Try to understand how good she thinks. You can’t. You failed. It’s not your fault. Rachel tells the camera that she doesn’t know what to believe because producers have told her not to know what to think.

ABC shows us an actual snake because Lee is a snake, and now we’ll understand the metaphor.

Kenny walks up to Lee and laughs at him. He yells at Lee for lying. He tells Lee that he’s bad. Lee says something about Jesus but it’s mostly bleeped out. That can’t be good. Must stuff about Jesus is consumable by all. If you’re bleepin’ Jesus, you’re bleepin’ on a low level.

Rachel comes back. She’s done thinking. She tells her boyfriends that she appreciates honesty. (Rachel likes to keep things real). She says that she needs to decide who to believe. She takes out a rose. She tells Lee she doesn’t trust him and she dumps him. She tells Kenny that she isn’t ready to trust him either, but he hasn’t been kicked off the gameshow yet. So, Lee is gone. Kenny remains.

Eye see what you did there, ABC!

On his way out, Lee continues to trash Kenny. Kenny is still really mad. He walks Rachel to a helicopter. The helicopter leaves. All three of them arrived by helicopter, but only Rachel left. Now, Kenny and Lee are left in the middle of nowhere. ABC wants them to fight. Kenny talks to Lee, but nothing is really said. The helicopter leaves. No one has been punched. No one is bleeding. ABC lies.

It’s later. Keep up. Kenny meets Rachel in a hotel or something. She asks Kenny why he didn’t just leave Lee and go with her in the helicopter. Kenny says that he wanted to be the sheriff of Punch Town, but he restrained himself. Kenny says that he’s here to find love with Rachel. He’s serious about dating someone on TV and he wants to find love. Rachel trusts Kenny, so she keeps him on the game show. Kenny gets the rose. Rachel has snacked on Kenny and she wants to get the full Kenny kitchen. So far, Kenny’s eye is not bleeding. I’m not sure how his eye will eventually bleed. At this point, I’m guessing he’s drilled in the head by a low-flying condor. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

After getting a rose and surviving the Lee situation, Kenny goes back to his hotel and video chats with his daughter. While he’s talking to her, he cries. I’m guessing it took three takes for him to cry. He probably had to think about something terrible, like going on a game show that prevents him from seeing his daughter for months. Kenny carries around a bottle of water because he’s super into hydration. I mean, when you cry a bunch, you better concentrate on hydration. That’s how Napoleon died, I’ll bet. That’s why they called it Waterloo.

It’s the next day. The rose ceremony is next. Josiah gets ready for the rose ceremony and says egotistical things into a mirror because ABC needs him to be the new villain now that Lee is gone. Hey, villains gotta vil.

As Rachel hands out roses, Josiah says stupid things into the camera. ABC acts like Josiah won’t get a rose, but it’s clear he is going to because America needs someone to be annoyed with. Rachel gives the last rose to some guy named Matt. Josiah does not get a rose. Maybe that’s who punches Kenny?

Some guy named Anthony also gets dumped. I have no idea who he is. He’s no longer a thing. There will be no Anthony situation.

It’s the next day. Keep up. Rachel takes her boyfriends to Denmark. She tells the camera that she’s always wanted to go to Denmark. That’s something a crazy person says. No one wants to go to Denmark. You might not hate the idea, but it’s not a goal. Rachel says that Denmark is the perfect place to fall in love. I punch my leg because the pain reminds me that there will be a time when I’m eventually dead and will not have to watch this show anymore.

It’s revealed that Eric will get a one-on-one date in Copenhagen, Denmark. Eric has a history of being less than nice. We’ll see if he’s able to contain his evil. So far, no one has punched Kenny in the eye, so ABC still lies.

Rachel and Eric ride a boat. I already hate this date. They drink. No one is punching anyone. How is this even a date? There isn’t even handball! More like NOPEnhagen!

Eric and Rachel visit a café or something and talk to a Denmarkian. It’s super important. After that, they go into a hot tub, which gives us an opportunity to see their abs. We’re all very lucky. It’s abtastic.

The date continues. There may have been 7 people reading this. Now there are 2, at most. Rachel and Eric do bumper cars and carnival games. Copenhagen has it all. I’m totally going to go there. More like DOPEnhagen! You guys are jerks. My puns are on point.

Eric and Rachel sit down to drink. It’s about time. Eric reveals to Rachel that he loved his mom but his mom didn’t show him love. This affected his relationships. He was never able to show love because he was never shown love. Let this be a lesson to you guys, always show everyone love, or they’ll be unable to date well. I’m serious, you guys. Show love.

Rachel likes Eric’s love confession. Eric thinks he’s gotten past his mom’s terrible mothering. He says that he’s falling for Rachel. Am I the only one who thinks it’s crazy and creepy that Eric related a mother’s love to the kind of love you seek from a girlfriend? It doesn’t matter. No one is reading this.

Rachel gives Eric a rose. She likes him. She’s his mother now. Good luck with that, Rachel. Eric and Rachel ride a roller coaster to celebrate Eric’s adoption.

The group date is next. The date card says, “I’ve taken a Viking to you guys.” ABC is so good at puns too. See, Denmark is full of Vikings, so there’s a bit of wordplay here. Rachel and the guys get on a Viking ship. They ride the boat to a place where Vikings pretend like they’re fighting with each other. This will help Rachel choose a husband. Trust me.

Rachel’s boyfriends will fight for absolutely no reason. First, they dress up like Vikings. Do you guys read these recaps and believe that I’m accurately describing what happened on the show? I might be lying. I’m telling you that, on a date, ABC made seven of Rachel’s boyfriends dress up like Vikings and fight. That’s ridiculous. Is it even true? Maybe they went to a studio to paint nude people? Maybe they went apple picking? Would either of these scenarios be more ridiculous? It doesn’t matter. Viking fighting is what actually happened. I’m not going to try and describe it because it’s stupid. You don’t need me to describe it. Just picture something really stupid. That’s what it looked like.

I will say that, while he was Viking fighting, Kenny’s eye got hit by Viking stuff. The injury causes his eye to bleed. So, that’s the stupid thing that ABC used to make us think that Lee punched Kenny. Now you know how desperate and fake ABC is. They lie to try to make their piece of shit show more interesting. It’s not interesting. I hate this show.

The show continues, despite its complete lack of content. Rachel and her Vikings go to a place that has alcohol. It’s not a bar. It’s kind of like an apartment. Where does ABC find these places? No one cares.

Bryan pulls Rachel aside to slurp on her face. It happens. We watch it. Bryan assures Rachel that he’s ready for her love. You guys are ready for her love too, admit it. Rachel doesn’t tell Bryan she loves him, but she does suck on 58% of his face, and that’s pretty close to love. You don’t suck 58% of the face of someone you hate, that’s for sure!

Rachel also has some alone time with Peter. She tells Peter that she likes him a lot and slurps his face. I’m sure Peter and Bryan will both really enjoy watching this season back. I wonder if they’ll discuss how each other tasted. Like, “Dude, did you eat garlic while we were in Denmark? ‘Cause I totally tasted garlic on Rachel’s tongue!”

Rachel makes out with a few more boyfriends. She tells the camera that she likes her boyfriends, but she has to concentrate on dumping a few because the gameshow rules command that she must dump boyfriends whether or not she’s ready to. It’s called love. Google it!

Kenny and Rachel talk about their journey. Kenny admits that he hasn’t been himself. He says that he’s not sure about whether or not Rachel and him are compatible. He says, “I’m just keeping it 100.” That means he’s keeping it real, you guys. That’s the best way to keep things. Even if he’s in Denmark, Kenny keeps it 100. I think, with the European exchange, he’s actually keeping it 140. When keeping it real, always factor in the Metric system.

Kenny says that he’s not sure if his daughter is ready for Rachel. Rachel understands. She says, “If I’m keeping it 100, you should go home.” Rachel did not consider the metric system, but she allowed Kenny to leave. Kenny leaves. All of that fighting with Lee was for nothing. It’s a good thing ABC orchestrated the fake fighting for our entertainment. It makes Kenny leaving the show easier to swallow. I’m just keeping it 140.

In the limo, Kenny calls his daughter to tell her he’s coming home. He cries. We’ll never know if he was the one for Rachel. We got a taste of Kenny, but never got the full kitchen. Kenny’s daughter is happy to learn that her father is returning home. She accepts his complete failure.

Rachel tells her boyfriends that Kenny went home. They handle the news well. They’re such good boyfriends. Rachel gives the group date rose to Peter. She must have thought he tasted the best. I’ll bet she can’t wait to get his full kitchen. These recaps are the lowest form of human communication. Bathroom graffiti is more substantial. I’m wasting my life.

It’s the next day. No one cares. Will gets a one-on-one date. He is not at all interesting. Rachel tells Will that they’re going to Sweden. I think that’s right near Denmark, so it’s super convenient. They travel by boat. Rachel says that they’ll, “Do it like the Swedes do.” I bet Swedes keep it 140.

Will and Rachel walk around Sweden. They play a Swedish game. They eat Swedish food. They sit down with an old Swedish couple. The couple just walks right up and sits down at Rachel and Will’s table. ABC security is terrible. What if the old Swedish couple wanted to murder Will and Rachel? They didn’t even frisk the old Swedes!

Rachel relates the love she felt from the old couple to her relationship with Will. She says that she doesn’t feel a ton of love from Will. Will will only hold Rachel’s hand. He doesn’t grab her face and slurp on it. That’s how you impress Rachel. Keep up, Will!

The date continues. Rachel doesn’t like Will. They sit down in front of food they won’t eat. Bachelorette interns have lit three candles, so you know they’re all in. Rachel tells the camera that Will has to be romantic at this dinner or she will dump him. That’s harsh. It’s very hard to be romantic during dinner. Try eating meatloaf and then get a girl to make out with you. It’s almost impossible. However, if a woman does make out with you while you’re eating meatloaf, you’ve found the one.

Will tells Rachel that he usually only dates white women because he grew up in a white neighborhood. That happened to me too. Rachel says that he doesn’t mind because she also dated a lot of white men. They should totally leave their date and go find some white Denmark people. I’m just keeping it 140.

Will talks about one of his ex-girlfriends. He says he loved his ex and he wants to find that passion with Rachel. Rachel is sad because she doesn’t think she can be the ex-girlfriend Will is seeking. Rachel dumps Will because she’ll never be his ex-girlfriend, even though by dumping him she has become his ex-girlfriend. It’s like that Monkey’s Paw story.

Rachel tells Will that she can’t understand why he never grabbed her and kissed her. I’m guessing he didn’t because there are twelve cameras situated five feet away from his face. I don’t know, though. I’ve never been to Denmark.

Will is sad that he got dumped. He apologizes to Rachel. Some advice for you guys, never apologize to someone who dumped you. It’s not a good play. You don’t have to yell at them, but don’t apologize. Keep it 140.

As Will rides away in his limo, it’s starts raining in Denmark. It’s a metaphor for Rachel’s journey to find love. Will’s apology is sad, but the rain represents Rachel’s determination to keep it real. The “real” washes away the sadness. Rachel is now ready to continue to find love. Why do you read these?

It’s the next day. Chris Harrison meets Rachel at the hotel. He asks Rachel if she’s ready to dump more boyfriends. Rachel has already dumped 2 boyfriends and she has to dump one more. She tells Chris Harrison that she’s ready to dump another boyfriend.

Rachel starts to give a speech to her boyfriends. She cries and is unable to finish her speech. Her boyfriends are super concerned. None of them go to comfort her. Rachel pulls herself together and continues her dumping. Some guy named Alex gets dumped. I have absolutely no recollection of him ever being on this show. Alex didn’t exist before tonight. I’m sure of it. How does ABC find these guys who are so forgettable? I’ve had waiters more memorable than Alex.

Next week, no one will bleed, so there’s no point to even recapping it. I still will recap it because I hate myself and I deserve all of this pain. The previews show that this season will get more terrible. There will be so much more terribleness. You guys don’t even know. Just wait. You’ve tasted the terrible, but you’re going to get the full kitchen.