Follow the rules, jerks

For Halloween the Buffalo Sabres dressed up as hockey players AHAHAHAHAHAHHA GET IT BECAUSE THEY ARE BAD AT HOCKEY AHAHAHAH


5. Not Following Proper Procedure

This goes for both people who are tricking and/or treating and people dispersing candied goods. Don’t go to a house where the light isn’t on. They have quit, aren’t home, or are clinically depressed. Ringing the doorbell and shouting can only have negative consequences for you and them. SITUATIONAL AWARENESS. Similarly, don’t leave your front light on and be annoyed when people keep ringing your doorbell. This is why we have rules, people.

Kids, when you step up to the door you better say “Trick or Treat.” A failure to identify yourselves properly may result in receiving a small bag of poisonous spiders instead of candy. How do I know you aren’t just some creep who wears masks all the time? COMMUNICATION. Talk to your teammates out there on the field.

If you are passing out candy, don’t approach the door with a wide variety of candy in a gigantic container AND THEN only pick one small candy to give to each kid. A two-piece candy minimum is required for proper participation (unless dispersing full size candy portions of course.) Also consider letting the child make the choice of candy. If everyone picks the Reese’s Cups first then you know you have smart kids in the neighborhood. Anybody complaining about the selection at the end of the night should show some hustle and get out earlier.

4. Not Wearing A Costume Yet Demanding Candy

What the hell is your problem?

People, if you see any of these teens (and they are ALWAYS teenagers) pulling this honky-tonk in your neighborhood, call your friends over and curb-stomp them. Make them taste concrete. We don’t need people like this. Polio and tuberculosis used to thin these people from the herd. Now we have to do the work.

Teens, if you want candy that bad but don’t want to put the costume on, GO AND BUY THE CANDY YOURSELF and then please walk into the lake and drown.

3. Your Candy Selection Is Bullcrap

Here is the candy you can choose from. There are no exceptions.

  • Reese’s Cups or Pieces
  • M&M’s
  • Charms Blow Pops
  • Snickers
  • Kit Kat
  • Starburst
  • Smarties
  • Tootsie Pops (NOT THE ROLLS)
  • Nestle Crunch

Everything else is verboten and grounds to be reported to the House Unamerican Activities Committee. On that note…

2. Handing Out Something Besides Candy

There is one day – ONE GOD DAMNED DAY – on the calendar where kids can both talk to strangers and get candy from them. That day is Halloween. Everybody is getting candy. You can’t stop it. Handing out cookies or healthy treats just makes you look like a maniac. People are going to think you poisoned them because– who are we kidding– who hands out healthy junk on Halloween? No one is that stupid OH NO YOU ARE THAT STUPID HERE COME THE COPS.

Get your head in the game. Real candy, and plenty of it. Everyone has diabetes now– you ain’t saving anybody. Embrace the sugar high, you tight ass.

1. Rich Quitters

It’s a Very Class Warfare Halloween!

There are a lot of folks who are doing well in their lives who hit it hard on Halloween – passing out full-sized candy bars and decorating their homes to the utmost. These people are solid American citizens.

Folks who sit out Halloween and have the budget room to pass out full-sized candy bars are killing this economy. You’re supposed to be the job creators and yet you are holding your wealth out of the market simply because you’re a dipstick.

I know the type, too. “Why don’t these kids just buy their own candy instead of dressing up?” or “Why do all these kids from the working class neighborhoods have to come to our neighborhood? They are bringing down the property values” or some crap.

The reason you should participate is because Halloween is one of the last communal holidays where we actually have to talk to our neighbors in our neighborhood. No one does block parties anymore. This is the chance to find out who lives in your city and meet new people. You sitting out means you don’t want to talk to us. You don’t want to be a part of the community. You want to use your wealth to keep people away. Because you’re an awful person.

This is why we have taxes, people. Rich crustknobs who refuse to share their wealth willingly with those less fortunate. You know what? We comin’ to GET your candy. All those Andes mints and Werther’s Originals you got hiding under the bed because your old lady is going to yell at you for having candy if she finds it in the house? It’s ours now, punk. We knocking down your door and we gonna MAKE YOU LIKE HALLOWEEN. YOU GONNA PASS IT OUT TO ALL THE KIDS.


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