( Editor’s note:  Mixed into a rambling narrative about the current state of affairs in the NFL loaded with historical, music and pop culture references, Mr. Brutal makes his football…

( Editor’s note:  Mixed into a rambling narrative about the current state of affairs in the NFL loaded with historical, music and pop culture references, Mr. Brutal makes his football picks.  Bob Gaughan makes his too. It is called “The War of 1812 Football Prognostication” probably because he is Canadian, Bob is American and they have some huge unknown cross border stakes riding on their year-to-year competition. So get with the programme, honour the concept and enjoy the colourful Canadian flavour.)

…… Sunday, September 11, 2016 ……

1:00 pm Eastern

Green Bay (-5.5) @ JACKSONVILLE 48.5

The Packers could be in for a tough game here against the emerging Jaguars. We liked them a lot last year and they were competitive in almost every game outright and against the spread. QB Blake Bortles, WR Allen Robinson and the Hot Tubs look good here with the home crowd, the points and a Packer team that still lacks consistency & the appropriate targets for Aaron Rodgers to exploit game to game.

Brutal: JAGUARS (+5.5)

Bob: Packers -5.5

Buffalo @ BALTIMORE (-3) 44.5

Good to see the NFL has enlightened its stance on common sense issues. Much like the DEA, who recently reaffirmed their classification of marijuana as a Schedule One Controlled Substance. This means it is still considered dangerous and that there is no medical reason for it to be justifiably removed.

This despite the fact half of the states in the union have approved it for medical use and a half dozen have legalized it for personal, recreational use.

There is nothing like an obsolete Government Agency trying to justify its inflated budgets into a future that it refuses to accept.

Except maybe the National Football League.

The NFL is looking at suspending Bills’ OT Seantrel Henderson for testing positive for marijuana use, ostensibly to treat his Crohn’s disease. We could give a damn if this is true or if Mr. Henderson has just been partying with Woody Harrelson, Snoop Dog & Tommy Chong on Willie Nelson’s tour bus on a regular basis.

Isn’t it time the NFL grew up and showed some leadership on this issue and stopped keeping it in the quiver simply because it is a negotiating ploy for the next round of Collective Bargaining with DeMaurice Smith and the NFLPA.

There is a woman we know who has suffered from this debilitating disease for decades. After countless, painful surgeries, powerful drugs with awful side effects and some hit-and-miss Alternative Therapies, she has finally been able to live with her condition thanks to cannabis.

Everybody with half a brain and an ounce of compassion knows this drug helps millions of people immeasurably with countless conditions including Glaucoma, Alzheimer’s, Asthma, MS, AIDS, PTSD, Epilepsy, Chemotherapy side effects from any form of Cancer, Rheumatoid & Osteoarthritis and any form of Chronic Pain.

Unfortunately the poor, powerful Drug Multinationals don’t have patents on a naturally occurring plant and lobby hard to restrict its use and keep it illegal.

They would prefer doctor’s continually prescribe powerful opioids to patients despite their heavy addictive nature and powerful side effects.

We’re not surprised, the NFL has always bowed to its corporate masters and sponsors first before exhibiting any hint of bold or enlightened initiative.

Image result for marijuana leaf images

The Bills are our “Team of Destiny” this year for the AFC, …. and if they don’t win this game we’re switching that pick immediately to the Raiders. We are nothing if not loyal.

QB Tyrod Taylor should be motivated, heading back to Baltimore, playing against the guy who beat him out for the starting job on the Ravens. Joe Flacco, the human ATM, has a typical Ravens’ team this year after some salary dumps and re-signings. Nobody is sure how good or bad they will be, so despite all their own injuries, the Bills have an opportunity here, getting the points in a tough, low scoring game.

Brutal: Bills (+3)

Bob: Bills +3

Chicago @ HOUSTON (-6.5) 44

We have only one message for head coach John Fox, the terrible draft architects in the Chicago front office, coach killer quarterback Jay Cutler & Bears’ fans this season.

The exact same message as last year.

Good Luck!

Brutal: TEXANS (-6.5)

Bob: TEXANS -6.5

Cleveland @ PHILADELPHIA (-4) 41

After dumping the Johnny Manziel soap opera, the Browns have replaced him with a safer quarterback who has absolutely no baggage,

….. Robert Griffin III.

It should be enough, drama or not, to beat the Eagles who look lost.

They have devolved from former head coach Chip Kelly’s DEFCON 4 contaminated lab experiment with undeniable potential, ….. into a Ground Zero perpetual rebuild mode helmed by new boss Doug Pederson with little hope in just a matter of months.

Good thing the Philly fans are legendary for their patience.

That last statement might have gotten us beheaded in North Korea.

Image result for kim jong un images

Dictator Kim Jong Un has officially banned sarcasm from everyday conversation in his enlightened country.

We already know that sarcasm, satire, cynicism & supercilious rancor translate poorly on the internet. Especially in petty, character limited exchanges on social media.

Apparently they don’t translate at all in everyday conversation in Pyongyang and pose a threat to the security of the very non sarcastically, satirically or cynically named Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea (DPRK).

Recently the highly respected, world class scientist, military genius, Renaissance man & fearless leader of the Far East dealt with another serious threat to his people by appropriately handling a potential usurper who could have brought the entire country to its knees.

That would be the head of the state-run turtle farm that raises prized terrapins to provide the key ingredient in visionary culinary gourmet Kim Jong Un’s favourite soup.

The farm was set up by his esteemed father, the late, but still internationally worshiped Kim Jong Il, the Jack Nicklaus of the Korean Peninsula. Among his other notable accomplishments, through verifiable certification, he managed to hit a dozen hole-in-ones in his first golf game ever.

When the incredibly svelte and magnetic Kim Jong Un arrived at the farm in July and found that all the baby turtles had died, he was justifiably apoplectic. The intrepid one would have none of the excuses offered by the management. These incompetents explained that electricity was constantly unavailable and the water pumping system, incubators & automated feeding systems all had to be shut down.

Showing courage under fire, the dauntless one made a wise and prudent decision.

He had the manager shot.

Other executive were sent to “Re-education camps in the countryside to cleanse the pallet of their brains of American disease induced ineptitude.”

Who can blame him? Besides the incompetence exhibited in the actual aquaculture farming, the management was negligent in other crucial areas.

Apparently they did not have enough class rooms and buildings set aside to adequately educate the employees on a daily basis in the revolutionary history celebrating his father Kim Jong Il. Papa Kim was criminally overlooked each year for nomination of numerous Nobel Prizes in a multitude of disciplines when he was alive. He contributed much more to his country, the entirety of mankind and the planet itself, far beyond just reinventing the game of golf & founding reptile farms.

Officially, Einstein Un issued these statements about the terrapin farm incident:

“Their excuses were nonsensical complaints. There was no shortage of energy provided to the farm. They were incompetent daydreamers.”

“Only the sighs of defeatists come from units that fail to glorify the leadership exploits of the great leaders and the party.”

Okay, maybe something is lost in the translation, but blame the press secretaries and journalists involved, because Mr. Un is also a master of 27 different international languages.

Presently, North Korea & the United States are not on speaking terms. That could all change under a Donald Trump presidency.

Cult of Personality Authoritarian based states run by unqualified, dangerous, megalomaniac demagogues don’t always see eye-to-eye.

That could all change if Kim Jong Un ever issues a backhanded verbal compliment to the Tangerine Howler Monkey who imagines that it is sincere.

This article contains no sarcasm, satire or cynicism and is therefore suitable to be forwarded to the venerated wisdom colossus god walking in human form through the palaces and streets of Pyongyang.

Brutal: Browns (+4)

Bob: Eagles -4

Tampa Bay @ ATLANTA (-3) 47.5

An early year divisional game that might be more entertaining than most. QB Matty Ice won’t have WR Julio Jones to throw to, but we still like the Falcons here early in the year over FSU locker room cheerleader, seafood addict & quarterback Jameis Winston and the Buccaneers.

Brutal: FALCONS (-3)


Minnesota (-2) @ TENNESSEE 41

QB Sam Bradford apparently has not mastered the complex Viking playbook yet, so journeyman Shaun Hill may start. Cagey Minnesota head coach Mike Zimmer is playing his cards close to his vest and won’t announce his starter till game time.

Titans’ boss, Mensa member and former Buffalo Bills’ legendary head coach Mike Mularkey is having none of it, claiming he is preparing for Bradford. Mike, worry about that offensive line and keeping emerging superstar QB Marcus Mariota alive this year. Vikings will run Adrian Peterson & company all day long no matter who starts for the Norsemen.

Low scoring game, taking the points with the home team this early in the year makes sense.

Brutal: TITANS (+2)

Bob: TITANS +2

Cincinnati (-2.5) @ NEW YORK J-E-T-S, JETS! JETS! JETS! 41.5

We usually like the Bengals in the regular season, but not here. They did not adequately replace their # two or # three receivers from last year. Marvin Jones and Mohammad Sanu are gone to free agency and the receivers on the Bengal roster after number one A.J. Green have a grand total of “One” NFL catch between them.

With TE’s Tyler Eifert and Tyler Kroft out as well, that means the Bengals will be running RB Jeremy Hill all day long into a Jets’ defense that is excellent against the run and only has to double team WR Green to complete a simple game plan that is likely to succeed. They may not even need to do that, since CB Revis will try to keep Green corralled on his island by himself to demonstrate he is still an elite player who doesn’t need help.

Close game, but Fitz and the JETS do enough to win a close one.

Brutal: JETS (+2.5)

Bob: JETS +2.5

Oakland @ NEW ORLEANS (-1) 51

The Raiders are our backup “Team of Destiny” if the Bills lose their first game of the year. This one should be entertaining with two aggressive offences on the fast indoor turf of the Superdome. Taking the “Over” looks enticing early in the campaign too.

Drew Brees at least has his new generous contract, that’s something locked down for the Saints.

However, the Saints’ “New” defence hasn’t proven it can even stay with a good college team yet.

Brutal: Raiders (+1)

Bob: SAINTS -1

San Diego @ KANSAS CITY (-7) 44.5

The AFC West is wide open this year. Some even feel the Chargers have a chance if QB Phillip Rivers stays healthy, the offensive line stays healthy, the defence is improved and healthy, the key play-makers that were all missing last year are truly healthy and talk of the team moving again is shelved with the institutionalized extortion coming to an end and the Chargers getting a new stadium.

Good Divisional rivalry game with Gary Glitter playing a lot on Sunday afternoon in Arrowhead, …… but that is too many points.

Brutal: Chargers (+7)

Bob: Chargers +7

…….. 4:05 pm – 4:25 pm Eastern ……

Miami @ SEATTLE (-10.5) 44

The logical pick here early in the season is the Southern Florida water mammals. They have speed on offense, and a lot of money spent along with other changes to an under-performing defense from last year. Seattle has lost RB Thomas Rawls to injury and RB Marshawn Lynch to retirement based on either prudent decision making or Skittles induced body changes.

Ten and a half points is a lot, is it too much?

Once a year in this column, we invoke the legendary quote of actor Gerrit Graham as “Jeff” in the cult movie “Used Cars.”

While examining the sticker price of a car on their competitor’s neighbouring lot, …. just before blowing it up with dynamite on live TV, Jeff declares:

“That’s too fucking high!”

Brutal: Dolphins (+10.5)

Bob: Dolphins +10.5

Detroit @ INDIANAPOLIS (-3.5) 50.5

Could this be the start of the decline of QB Andrew Luck at such a young age? Yes, because that offensive line of the Colts is probably the worst in the NFL. Effective pass protection for Luck has disappeared like the skyline over Aleppo.

Detroit limps into the year with little pressure and even less expectations. WR Calvin “Megatron” Johnson has gone, retiring young due to being hit more times in his professional career than boxer Bruce “The Mouse” Strauss. He is going to at least enjoy one year off as he pursues his dream to win “Dancing with the Stars” since he won’t likely ever win a Super Bowl.

Lions’ QB Matt Stafford still has an arm, but he hasn’t improved much and his weapons are still questionable. Even worse is his head coach. If sleepy Jim Caldwell isn’t fired this year, this franchise will continue to deteriorate till it’s overall competitive condition equates exactly with the economic state of Detroit itself.

We’re sure Jim Caldwell is a nice man who does a killer impersonation of Dr. Ben Carson at parties, …… His voice and delivery boring everybody to tears whenever he is asked to explain his football philosophy before nodding off himself in mid sentence.

The Lunesta-like effect his voice would have on even his own ability to stay awake through his tedious speeches is irresistible, undeniable & unstoppable.

We must be crazy, but we’ll give the three and a hook and take owner “Drugstore Cowboy” Jim Irsay & his Colts. It may be one of their few wins this year.

Brutal: COLTS (-3.5)

Bob: Lions +3.5

New York Football Giants @ DALLAS (Even) 46

The NFC East looks as screwed up as last year. The Cowboys are going with rookie Dak Prescott from Mississippi State at QB as he already looks better than newly acquired emergency backup and human hand grenade Mark Sanchez, ….. despite his lengthy experience edge.

With Kellen Moore & Tony Romo gone, the Cowboys have no choice but to hand it over to the Bulldog from Starkville.

Our favourite owner in the NFL, Captain Botox, Jerry Jones has refused to put Romo on the Injured Reserve list. The bromance he has with his quarterback knows no bounds. Despite the serious nature of Romo’s injuries, Jones would rather go with one less body on the 53 man roster than give up on the faint hope that Tony might miraculously heal and lead dem Boys to the Super Bowl.

Delusional? …. sure, but we’re used to those types of ideas coming from Jones. When asked about his decision, Jones replied:

“I don’t want to rule anything out.”

Well except for common sense.

Giants come in with Eli Manning having three healthy, dangerous wide receivers to throw to that maybe no NFL team can cover adequately for an entire game.

Brutal: Giants (Even)

Bob: Giants Even

…………. 8:30 pm Eastern …………..

New England @ ARIZONA (-6) 47

The Jimmy Garoppolo era has begun in New England. This is the year that the Patriots fade and miss the playoffs. We’ve predicted their demise for years through wishful thinking, narcotic induced delusion and meditation. We have failed consistently.

But this year!

Pats’ QB Brady misses the first four games, finally expelled from school for Gaylord Perrying footballs and upsetting the competitive integrity of the infallible NFL. This legal fight dragged on for over a year and could actually have gone to the Supreme Court of the United States itself.

However, Brady’s lawyers, realizing that an eight member court would only result in another typical deadlock, told him to give it up, because even he might not like the legal bills that would cascade, as this could drag out to 2020. Tom Brady, altruistic soul that he is, says he called it off for the good of the United States.

Thanks Tom Terrific! The Court might just have some other more important things to occupy their time with.

This is a lot of points, but Arizona is our NFC “Team of Destiny” this year, …. and we are never wrong with that annual designation.

Brutal: CARDINALS (-6)


……. Monday, September 12, 2016 ………….

…….. 7:30 pm Eastern  …………

Pittsburgh (-3) @ WASHINGTON 50

A lot of people are picking the Steelers to go all the way this year.

Not us. With a lot of time till kickoff, this line will probably rise as the weekend losing bettors, ( most of them ) jump on Pittsburgh. So if you love Little Napoleon Danny Snyder, Kirk Cousins and the Beltway unmentionables, wait till Monday when this goes well above three, before you commit the mortgage on a delusional football bet.



……… 10:30 pm Eastern ………..

Los Angeles Rams (-2.5) @ SAN FRANCISCO 44

The Rams are back in Los Angeles & the excitement is overwhelming. They’re not going to start Cal rookie Jared Goff at quarterback because they want to bring him along slow. That might be good news for a young, potential star except for the fact that Jeff Fisher is still the head coach.

Somehow he was not fired when the franchise move was announced last year, and the Rams Robert Irsayed their ass out of Saint Louis. Fisher is terrible at mentoring young offensive players, especially quarterbacks. So maybe by 2020, Goff will finally get to start.

It may take that long, because Fisher will probably still be employed by the Rams, putting mediocre seasons together, back to back to back to back to …… just like he did in Tennessee for what seemed like two decades.

The Colin Kaepernick anthem protest situation may actually be having a positive effect on the Niners. His jersey is now the number one seller on the team. The now backup QB seems rejuvenated, he’s found a cause & seems to be champing at the bit to get back to playing pivot for the Niners.

With Blaine Gabbert starting ahead of him, that shouldn’t take long.

Brutal: Rams (-2.5)

Bob: Rams -2.5

Leave a Reply