The Twitter account for the Bachelorette says that Kaitlyn will attend her own funeral tonight. That’s always been a goal of mine. I’m not sure, but I’m guessing the funeral reference means that ABC has planned a fun and wacky group date where they tell the guys that Kaitlyn is dead and she lays in a coffin while they pretend to cry over her corpse. It’s also possible that Kaitlyn does not attend her own funeral at all and that ABC was just exaggerating to make their piece of crap show sound interesting. Only time will tell. It’s the Bachelorette.
When your girlfriend doesn’t like you as much as she likes her other 15 boyfriends, the best way to handle it is to attack her character and accuse her of being a mouth whore. That’s what Ian was in the middle of doing before ABC rudely interrupted his scene with the ending of their show last week. Now, Kaitlyn has been pulled aside by Ian so he can show her what’s what before the rose ceremony. Keep up!
Ian is a runner who runs. He hurt his leg, I think, and has a ton of feelings and stuff. Ian thinks he’s too handsome and too great to be the 15th in a line of 15 boyfriends. To be fair to Ian, I think we all feel like we’re better than 15th place. I know I’m at least 7th or 8th in any group of men. I mean, not a large group. Not like at a concert or anything.
Ian starts ripping into Kaitlyn. He’s an Executive Recruiter, so I think he’s pretty good at ripping into people. Ian doesn’t like fart jokes. He doesn’t like Kaitlyn’s joke about plowing Chris the Farmer’s field, which happened a year ago. Keep up, Ian! Ian questions Kaitlyn’s intentions because she makes out with a bunch of her boyfriends and brought Nick on the show. He tells her that he doesn’t think she’s here to find a husband.
Kaitlyn agrees that she’s not as deep as Ian, but disagrees that she isn’t here for the right reasons. After calling her “surface level”, Ian backs down his attack. Kaitlyn stands up for herself and Ian tells her that he appreciates her sense of humor. This is all a big crock. I wanted a raging inferno of hate and Ian came soft. Don’t come soft! Ian leaves the show, meekly. He’s meek. He’s not even weak, he’s meek. I hate meek. No one likes meek. You guys hate meek too, admit it.
Ian storms off. He tells the camera that he’s too deep a person to be on a dating show, which is interesting since he signed up and pleaded to be on a dating show and then hung out on it for weeks. In the confession limo, he tells the camera that he’s tired of talking about farts. I don’t think I’d get along with Ian. He tells the camera that he should be the Bachelor. Then he says, “I need to have some sex.” Well, becoming the Bachelor would be a good way to accomplish that.
Kaitlyn whines about Ian’s words. Ian’s words hurt. She’s hurt. We can see her hurt because ABC cameras capture it with their lenses. They zoom in on her hurt. It’s hurtey.
The other guys are shocked about Ian leaving. There’s a ton of shock. No one even knows what happened or what to say. Nick is the only smart one to go find Kaitlyn to see if she’s okay. It’s also possible that ABC directed him to be the only person to go find Kaitlyn. Villains gotta vil, especially if villains are contractually obligated by ABC to vil. It’s contract villing.
Nick consoles Kaitlyn. It’s consoley. He says that he loves Kaitlyn’s dumb humor, which is a compliment, I think. Kaitlyn takes the consoling well. She’s totally consoled. You guys were consoled too, admit it. Nick says that he wants to “know” Kaitlyn and make her smile. Who talks like that?
The rest of the guys realize that Nick is consoling Kaitlyn. They get mad because they’re missing out on special time with Kaitlyn. They’re probably also mad because they aren’t wearing 47 wooden bracelets like Nick is. He wears 47 wooden bracelets. Is that in, wearing 47 wooden bracelets? I’m totally going to. No wonder our forests are disappearing. Nick is wearing them all on his arm.
Joshua is super nervous about going home tonight because he had a bad experience with Kaitlyn last week. She gave him a partial Mohawk and he warned her about Nick. You don’t do that. Everyone knows you don’t do that.
Shawn is also worried. He goes off to find Kaitlyn and catches her smooching with Nick. It’s also possible that ABC told him to go find Kaitlyn and then pointed a gun at Nick and said, “make out with her now so Shawn finds you making out with her.” Shawn isn’t happy about the Kaitlyn/Nick make-out session. He storms off. This show has so much storming off. Can’t anyone politely exit?
After all of that crap, Kaitlyn sits by herself some more to think. We watch her think. She’s stewing about the fact that Ian questioned her character. Kaitlyn needs to focus on her other 14 boyfriends, not worry about the deep one who got away. Following the think-fest, Kaitlyn FINALLY returns to the other room to be with her boyfriends. She tells the boyfriends about the bad things Ian said. They gasp. There is so much gasping. It’s gaspy.
Kaitlyn reiterates that she’s looking for a husband, which is weird because she sits on a chair and thinks instead of mingling with her other potential husbands. It’s a terrible husband-finding method. If any of you ladies out there are looking for a husband, go out and make it happen. Don’t think!
The rose ceremony is next. Kaitlyn is still talking about Ian. I’m so sick of her face. She says that she’s “over” people questioning her, and then talks about people questioning her for eleven minutes. She says that “I’ve never taken anything more seriously.” If you’re keeping score at home, taking something more serious than you’ve ever taken something means having men sumo wrestle, box and battle rap instead of spending a single second talking to them.
Chris Harrison pulls Kaitlyn aside to see how she’s doing. He probably already knows since he helps orchestrate all of this crap. It’s a short interview because Chris Harrison doesn’t work very hard. He tells Kaitlyn that he hopes she has a memorable rose ceremony at the Alamo, and that it’s special for him because they’re in his hometown. That was useless information none of us needed.
When they get to the final rose, ABC makes us wait four minutes before Kaitlyn finally calls out the final name. It’s super dramatic and I pass out a bunch. Tanner gets the final rose. I’ve never seen him before. Kaitlyn sends home Justin and Joshua. Joshua even makes an Alamo/last stand reference. He must be a History major. Now, Joshua gets to go out into the world with a terrible haircut. Reality TV is super real and hard. I have never seen Justin before. They don’t even let Justin talk to the camera about being dumped. Joshua does talk to the confession camera. He cries. You guys cried too, admit it.
Chris Harrison announces that the group is going to Dublin, Ireland and everyone cheers. These guys really love Dublin. There must be a Dave and Busters there. One of the guys says that Dublin is the perfect place to fall in love, as contractually obligated. As we go to commercial, ABC tells us that Kaitlyn is going to have sex with one of her boyfriends in Dublin. Super dramatic music plays, letting us know that having sex with your boyfriend in Dublin is an evil and vile thing to do. I think, if I was in Dublin with my girlfriend and we didn’t have sex, I’d be really disappointed. That’s only a hypothetical situation because I don’t have a girlfriend and I couldn’t afford to go to Dublin. Please don’t tell my wife that I hypothesized about fake girlfriend-sex-having in Dublin.
We’re back from commercial. Keep up! ABC shows us Dublin. There are seagulls, sheep, buses and fiddlers. Kaitlyn says that she’s super excited to be in Dublin. The guys stand on a hill and yell out, “Hello, Dublin” as contractually obligated. This show is vapid. There is no new content. It’s the same thing every season.
JJ says Kaitlyn is the pot at the end of the rainbow in Dublin. Get it? ‘Cause they’re in Ireland???!! JJ’s hilarious. He’s probably the one telling all of the fart jokes.
Kaitlyn arrives to the hotel room of her boyfriends and tells them that there is a date happening immediately. There’s no wait! How will these guys have time to take off their shirt in front of the camera and fix their hair?
Kaitlyn tells Nick that the 1-on-1 date is with him. The music gets stabby again. Everyone wants to stab Nick. Dublin is a violent place. Shawn wants to punch Nick. You can see it on his beautiful face. Shawn doesn’t like Nick and wishes the 1-on-1 date is with him.
Nick and Kaitlyn walk around Dublin. She’s always wanted to go to Dublin and now she’s walking around Dublin. Dreams DO come true. Don’t give up on your dreams, you guys. You guys were totally giving up on your dreams, admit it.
Nick and Kaitlyn make out in Dublin. It must be the only thing to do there. All of the sudden, and with no warning, they come across some birds. Kaitlyn is deathly afraid of birds. Why did ABC send her to Dublin???!! There are birds there. We see them fly at her and she freaks out. This women does not like birds. So, if you’re keeping score at home, Kaitlyn loves fart jokes but hates birds. For a woman who hates birds, she certainly has a lot of bird tattoos (two!).
They’re still walking around Dublin. Why the hell do you read these? Some Irish dancers pull Kaitlyn and Nick into their dance ring and they dance. I think they’re in a gang now. I heard that’s how they initiate you. This is such an interesting date. Now, they’re eating. Now, they’re looking at rings. Why would we want to watch the things we don’t like to do? Just when I can’t get over how exciting the rings are, Nick pulls Kaitlyn into an alley and makes out with her. This is all happening at breakneck speed. I’ll admit it, I can’t even keep up.
They’re in a bar now and they’re making out again. There’s a bunch of butt touching. I’m sorry I didn’t warn you that you were about to read the phrase “butt touching”, but there’s really no way to lead into that sort of thing. You have to do it like a band aid.
Pay attention because the show is about to get real good! Nick and Kaitlyn go to a church. It’s a great place for two people who can’t keep their hands off of each others butts. They drink wine in the church and talk. There’s a ton of talking. The promos keep telling us that Kaitlyn is going to have sex and she’s not having sex yet. How long are we supposed to wait?
Kaitlyn likes Nick because he knows how to be himself. They talk more. Then, they make out… in a church. It’s the most slurping I’ve ever seen in a church, and I’ve been to a lot of churches. While they’re slurping, they whisper to each other about how badly they want the sex stuff. It’s hard to hear, but ABC spells it out with subtitles. I feel bad for the poor Bachelorette interns who had to dissect the tape to get the subtitles right. Kaitlyn gives Nick a rose. They slurp a bunch more. I’m really sick and tired of Dublin.
As the date ends, Kaitlyn says that she doesn’t want the date to end. She asks Nick to go back to her hotel. She’s all blushy, so you know she’s talking about the sex stuff. You don’t blush if you’re talking about playing Connect Four or Mario Kart 8. Nick agrees to go back to the hotel. They didn’t even get an invitation to have sex from Chris Harrison! Are you allowed to have sex if Chris Harrison doesn’t invite you to have sex? This show has no rules!
Back at the hotel, the other boyfriends talk about how they wish they were on the 1-on-1 date. While they’re lamenting their lack of alone time, we see camera footage of Kaitlyn and Nick in her hotel room, slurping the hell out of each other. It’s really slurpy and gropey. There is so much slurping and groping. I’m more than a little uncomfortable. This show should really be fifteen minutes long.
Kaitlyn and Nick bring their alcohol into the other room, away from the cameras. The poor camera guys have to remain outside of the bedroom and film a closed door. We can still hear slurping because Kaitlyn and Nick left their microphones on. Maybe Ian was right about Kaitlyn’s intellect?
We hear sex sounds through the door, implying that sex is happening. Subtitles translate some sex talk. There’s totally sex happening. Dublin is swanky. ABC plays us super dramatic music. It’s not sweet, romantic music. It’s ‘Kaitlyn shouldn’t be having sex with Nick’ music.
We come back from a commercial. It’s the morning after Nick and Kaitlyn had sex. ABC shows us a bee on a flower. That’s more sex talk, ABC. Well played. Kaitlyn tells the camera that her sex time with Nick was sweet. She says that the chemistry and passion is there with Nick and that she’s falling for him. She didn’t expect to have sex with Nick and she’s feeling guilty about it because she has a bunch of other boyfriends. She says, “I’ve never dated this many guys and had to feel this guilt.” That’s why I’ll only date four or five women, tops.
Nick liked the sex-makin’. He tells the camera that he liked it. Back at the hotel, he tells the other boyfriends about the date. He tells the guys that he was invited back to Kaitlyn’s place. Bart Simpson hair tells Nick that his extra alone time is great. He doesn’t know that Kaitlyn boinked Nicky-poo.
When Nick tells Shawn that he went back to Kaitlyn’s place and that it was intimate, Shawn doesn’t really take it well. His face looks like a face would look if you stepped on a rusty nail. Shawn may look like Ryan Gosling sometimes, but when he’s mad he looks like The Undertaker. I keep accidentally spelling “Gosling” as “Gosselin”, like former Quebec Nordique goalie Mario Gosselin. I hope Mario Gosselin is out there somewhere and he’s reading this recap and he’s happy that he was mentioned in a Bachelorette recap. Mario Gosselin had a great glove hand. Sports quota filled.
The group date is next. Chris Harrison gets the guys together and tells them that Kaitlyn is dead. He totally LOLs while he says it, so you know he’s goofing. Chris Harrison is such a goof! He goofed us good! You guys were goofed too, admit it.
The group date will actually be a traditional Irish wake. Kaitlyn is laid out in a coffin while her boyfriends gather around her and try not to laugh. Laying in a coffin is a great way to get to know your future husband. The guys read poems about Kaitlyn, pretending she’s dead. The poems rhyme. Jared kisses her after his poem. It’s creepy. Tanner sings. I wish I was dead. Kaitlyn is wearing leather pants. When I die, I don’t want to be buried in leather pants. That’s an eternity of discomfort.
The mood turns somber because Ben Z’s mom died and he doesn’t like the funny fake funeral. When it comes time for Ben Z to read his funeral poem, he gets super serious. The music is really serious. The death date isn’t much fun anymore. Why did Ben Z’s mom have to die and ruin the Irish funeral date? Some people are so rude. To cheer us all up, ABC brings in some authentic Irish musicians. They play happy funeral music and everyone has a ton of fun. Funerals are so much fun in Ireland. I like fake funerals way more than listening to sex happen in the other room. I’m such a prude.
The group goes to an after party to drink some more. There hasn’t been nearly enough drinking this season. Ben Z pulls Kaitlyn aside to tell her how difficult it was to attend her funeral. He says that has trouble dealing with his emotions since his mom died. Well, he’s certainly opening up now in front of America! Kaitlyn calls Ben Z a big teddy bear. I think that’s a compliment. I’ve never been called a teddy bear before.
Jared pulls Kaitlyn aside and makes her laugh a ton. He doesn’t even tell fart jokes, but Kaitlyn laughs. You guys laughed too, admit it. Jared said that he’s falling in love with Kaitlyn and you could totally tell. He has it written all over his face, underneath his face scruff. Kaitlyn and Jared make out. ABC shows us the moon, because that’s what ABC does. They show us the moon whenever they get the chance.
The other guys sit around and talk about Nick. Shawn doesn’t take it well. His face gets all contorted. Kaitlyn pulls him aside to ask him why his face is all contorty. Shawns lies and says that he’s fine. He’s a liar. Shawn shows Kaitlyn pictures of his family instead of telling her that he doesn’t like Nick. He’s here for the wrong reasons. After she gushes over his family pictures, Kaitlyn makes out with Shawn. I know, after seeing pictures of someone’s mom, I immediately make out with them.
When she’s done making out with Shawn, Kaitlyn gives the group date rose to Jared. Shawn’s face contorts again. He needs to take some muscle relaxers. That kind of contorting can’t be good for his beautiful skin.
Because he got the group date rose, Jared gets a private concert from The Cranberries in a church. They’re from Ireland, I think. The concert is in a different church from the one in which Nick touched Kaitlyn’s butt a ton. The Cranberries sing ‘Linger’ while Kaitlyn and Jared make out in front of them. I’m sure this is the highlight of their musical career.
While the Cranberries watch Jared and Kaitlyn make out, the rest of the guys sit on an Irish couch and think about how they didn’t get a group date rose. Shawn is especially mad, as usual. Shawn has to leave the Irish place because he’s too mad to sit on a couch and talk with Kaitlyn’s other boyfriends. He goes back to the hotel and talks to one of the Bachelorette interns. He confides that Kaitlyn told him that he’s the one and that he was going to win the show. Now, Shawn is having doubts about the sincerity of the girl who is dating over a dozen men on television. Shawn says he can’t do this and leaves. ABC shows us the moon again. It’s all happening too fast.
Shawn heads up to Kaitlyn’s hotel room. It’s against the rules that don’t exist. We see very little of the conversation, but we do get teaser footage of Kaitlyn crying because she had sex with Nick and may have ruined her chances with Shawn and his contorting face. Next week, everyone cries. There will be so much crying. You guys have no idea.
As the credits roll, we get an update on Britt and Brady Kurt Bert. They’re still dating. Britt is afraid that she might be caught in the Friend Zone. That’s the worst place to be caught in, other than a bear trap.