I don’t know how ABC plans to top last night’s Funpocalypse, but they’re sure as hell going to try. Juan Pablo visited the homes of four girlfriends last night, met their families, licked the insides of their mouths, and then dumped the one he least wanted to have sex with. Tonight there is going to be more sex happening on my television than on a Cinemax free preview weekend. Three girls remain. Chris Harrison has his Fantasy Suite invitations lined up. It’s time for Juan Pablo to enjoy a little Grown Sexy time. It’s the Bachelor.
Juan Pablo is down to three girlfriends. He will eventually narrow his search down to Juan. The group has flown to St. Lucia. To aid his search for a woman to be a mother to Camila and bear him future Camila siblings, Juan Pablo will have sex with his three girlfriends and then cast off the one who doesn’t do it for him in a dramatic and well-lit rose ceremony. Prostitution is illegal, unless you’re in Nevada or you own a broadcast license. ABC is a big ole’ pimp.
We begin with the promise of St. Lucian yacht jumping and love pronouncements. Something goes wrong with Andi’s Fantasy Suite experience. ABC is trying to lead us to believe that someone is either murdered or violated behind closed doors. It’s a promise of drama. Or, as I like to call it, a dramise.
Bachelor producers continue with the theme of animal destination representation by showing us St. Lucian frogs and lizards. Juan Pablo sits on a balcony. Normally, a Bachelor will stare off into the distance and think about love but, I don’t think Juan Pablo is really thinking about love anymore. He doesn’t seem to think at all. Cameras capture him walking down the street while he talks about how exciting it will be to spend the night with his girlfriends without cameras. He mentions how they’ll be able to “talk”.
Clare gets the first date in St. Lucia. She says, “If you would have told me a year ago that I would be standing in St. Lucia with the man of my dreams falling in love… there is no way I would have believed you.” The weird thing is that, one year ago, four different people told me that I would be standing in St. Lucia with the man of my dreams and I didn’t believe them. Except, in my case, those people were incorrect. I’m standing in Buffalo with drinking problem.
The young and crazy lovers get on a small boat to cuddle and make out in front of the poor guy hired to drive the boat. He drives them to a yacht. Do you drive boats? Anyway, Clare is already stressing about the Fantasy Suite because, the last time she had sex with Juan Pablo back in Vietnam, she got yelled at for it. She doesn’t want that to happen again so she’s acting like she might not accept the invitation. We shall see.
They lay on their yacht for steamy make-out sessions. Clare seems extra chesty. She’s bringing out the big guns in her attempt to open curtain on her dead dad DVD. After Clare talks to the camera about love and how falling in love is scary, she jumps into the ocean with Juan Pablo. Get it, guys? Falling in love is like falling into the ocean! It’s scary! You guys are scared. Admit it.
Later, they go to their Fantasy Hotel. Keep up! Clare talks about how excited she would be to be Camila’s mom and how she’d add love to love. That’s totally a large amount of love. So far, I’m really bored.
Juan Pablo whips out the Fantasy Suite card. Chris Harrison has sent them a personal invitation to have sex with each other. He has really nice hand writing. Clare balks a bit at accepting the sex key. She tells Juan Pablo that she’s afraid he’ll yell at her again for wanting to have sex. He tells her that it’s okay to have sex this time. He doesn’t promise not to yell at her again.
They walk into their romper room. Bachelor interns have lit 4 million candles. This Fantasy Suite will single-handedly melt the polar ice caps. Does St. Lucia not have electricity?
Juan Pablo and Clare drink the intern’s champagne to grease the gears. Clare thinks. Juan Pablo asks her why she’s thinking so much. It’s a weird question, even for Juan Pablo. Clare admits that she’s falling in love with Juan Pablo. There’s super soft piano music and it would totally be an endearing moment if Juan Pablo didn’t keep forcing her head toward his lips to slurp on her. So, Clare has declared her love. It’s official. We can never take that away from her.
Next comes a hot tub make out session. I thought there weren’t supposed to be cameras in here? Anyway, Clare’s date is over.
Andi’s date is next. Eleven people die, I guess. That’s what I’ve been told for two weeks. Juan Pablo and Andi walk through the streets, holding hands. They happen upon a steel drum concert. I guess K-Pop hasn’t taken over St. Lucia yet. Like, what are the chances of there being a steel drum concert the same weekend that Juan Pablo and his three girlfriends are in town? Answer me!
So Juan Pablo and Andi walk up on stage to play the steel drums. There is very little security in St. Lucia. I didn’t think you were allowed to join steel drum bands without a permit. This show has no rules.
Next, they eat food with three random kids at a picnic table. Juan Pablo has repeatedly said that he wants a boy. Maybe this is his lucky day. Juan Pablo buys juice for the kids. Andi is super impressed. Next, they play soccer. I guess that fills my spots quota but, I’ve got to be honest with you. The sex-having is more sportsy than a beach pick-up soccer game.
Juan Pablo and Andi get into a dune buggy. Thank goodness they’re getting this quality dune buggy time in to properly determine their compatibility. The dune buggy hits a pothole, forcing them to pull over. Now, there’s a camera mounted underneath the dune buggy to give us an ultra-clear view of the pothole disaster. I’m not certain that this pothole disaster wasn’t completely staged. It’s either staged or ‘The Bachelor’ is staffed by the best camera planning crew ever.
They happen upon a waterfall. You guys! Waterfalls are totally symbolic of love! Hopefully, one of them realizes that and makes the comparison. They sit under the waterfall and no one mentions how love falls like water or how water is falling all around them like love. No one even climbs down anything. This whole date is devoid of love.
After the loveless waterfall, they talk about life while frogs incessantly scream in the background. It has become an ‘End of the Season’ Bachelor tradition to have conversations drowned out by billions of frogs. These producers can plan ahead to get camera shots of pot holes but they can’t schedule a pre-sex conversation more than twenty feet away from screaming frogs.
The Fantasy Suite sex invitation is next. Unlike crazy Clare, Andi doesn’t mess around. She accepts Chris Harrison’s e-vite to have sex with Juan Pablo. She’s all, “Fantasy Suite? More like, fantasy? Sweet!” She doesn’t actually say that. No one would. Andi thanks Juan Pablo for the amazing date that he carefully orchestrated and paid for.
So far, nothing egregious has happened. It’s coming, though. ABC promised.
They go inside and you can still hear the screaming frogs. The frogs are easier to understand than Juan Pablo. They make out. There is much tongue.
After the commercial, all hell breaks loose. Juan Pablo loved his overnight date and thought it went really well. He digs Andi and thinks she can be the Juan.
Andi was not happy with her sex-having experience. She called their night a disaster. Juan Pablo wouldn’t let her talk about her feelings. I hate that. She doesn’t think Juan Pablo cares. I Juander what gave her that idea. Juan Pablo talked about how he also had sex with his other girlfriend and that crosses a line with Andi. You just don’t do that, you guys. Andi is super mad and I am totally digging it. You go, Andi!
Andi wants love but she has come to the realization that it Juon’t happen with Juan Pablo. She cries because she has Juasted her time on Juan Pablo.
Nikki’s date is next. She’s wearing pajama bottoms and the fringe from a lamp shade as a top. It’s Grown Sexy. Juan Pablo is wearing a wife beater with a florescent green pocket. It looks like he has a post-it note on his nipple. As she approaches Juan Pablo, he tells the camera that he likes what they’re going to be doing today a lot. He means intercourse.
They ride horses. ABC, who has proven their undying commitment to clever camera placement, has placed cameras in the horse saddles to capture bouncy and blurry images of Nikki and Juan Pablo’s face. I have no idea who this benefits.
Nikki’s top allows us to see 78% of her boobs. I’m not complaining. I’m just doing the math. If you were Clare’s dead dad, and you had the ability to watch over all of us, you would totally be in St. Lucia watching over Nikki.
There’s a ton of horse riding. It’s fun. Juan Pablo says, “Aye aye aye” for the hundredth time. When we’ve exhausted the far reaches of where horse riding on TV can take us, they sit down on the beach to drink water. There’s a whole pineapple on their beach blanket. Did Bachelor interns provide them with a knife? Don’t answer. I don’t even care anymore.
There are still six hours left in tonight’s show. They drink more alcohol and talk in front of a fire. Juan Pablo scolds Nikki for thinking. This man does not like his women to think. I couldn’t pull off the clothes Nikki wore today but, Juan Pablo would totally dig my lack of thinking.
Nikki and Juan Pablo read Chris Harrison’s Fantasy Suite sex invitation. It comes with a skeleton key for a hotel room. There’s some crack security in a hotel with a skeleton key. You just can’t fabricate skeleton key technology. Nice thinking, ABC. When St. Lucian bandits break into Juan Pablo’s room and steal all of his K-Pop records, you’ll be sorry.
Nikki is worried about the fact that she hasn’t told Juan Pablo that she loves him yet. I’ve tried to hide it and, I don’t know if you guys can tell from reading my recap but, I’ve been really worried about it too. I haven’t slept in days and my skin is itchy.
They slurp faces on a St. Lucian couch. I believe they talk but, I can’t really hear well. The screaming frogs are back. Nikki blurts out that she loves Juan Pablo. She didn’t even give ABC a chance to pipe in soft piano music. It was a very abrupt love pronouncement. ABC hits the gas on sweet music for their post-love-pronouncement make-out session. There is no way that this over-night date is a disaster with the amount of love in the room. It’s almost like a waterfall of love.
Chris Harrison punches in for a Juan-on-Juan interview with everyone’s least favorite soccer player. They hug before they talk. Neither of the men have their sleeve buttons buttoned. It must be warm in St. Lucia.
Chris Harrison has Juan Pablo explain the difference between Venezuelan ‘like’ and American ‘like’. I guess there isn’t much of a difference. So, that’s cleared up. We still have 45 minutes remaining and the only portion left to show is the rose ceremony. Juan Pablo watches video messages from his girlfriends.
Nikki reiterates her love for Juan Pablo, not that we had the chance to forget it. I haven’t forgotten. Clare also reminds Juan Pablo that she’s in love. These girls’ love for Juan Pablo is almost like basic math for me. I couldn’t forget it if I tried. It’s just up in my brain and it always will be.
Andi’s video message is a little different. She isn’t in love. She’s in a different place. It’s far west of love. You’d need a different map to navigate the place Andi is in. As Juan Pablo is watching Andi’s video message, she walks up behind him to give the rest of the message in person. The technology in St. Lucia is amazing. You can do video messages, live messages, and combination live/video messages. What part of Oklahoma is St. Lucia in anyway?
The music provided for Andi’s walk up to Juan Pablo is dramatic. It’s the kind of music used in a suspenseful movie right before they reveal the killer. The killer is Andi. She’s about to kill their relationship. Boom!
This episode is taking forever. When they went to commercial, Andi was walking up the road to meet Juan Pablo. When we return from commercial, she’s on the same road but she’s further away than when we went to commercial! What the hell happened during the commercial? Did she step into another St. Lucian pot hole? I know the place is littered with them.
Andi dumps Juan Pablo. Like with most dumpings, it doesn’t happen fast. There’s a ton of talking. While she dramatically pours her heart out about how she’s angry with Juan Pablo, he nods and says, “Essokay”. She reaffirms her feelings and his coldness. He says, “Essokay.”
While explaining that he does have feelings, Juan Pablo says, “Am I going to die? No. Am I sad? Yes, because I did have feelings for Andi.” He says that directly to her. Normally, you don’t refer to a woman in the third person while speaking directly to her. He does it twice.
Andi brings up how Juan Pablo told her she was in St. Lucia by default and that she just barely beat out Renee to make it to this point in the game show. I’ve watched this show for more than a decade. That’s some pretty amazing dialogue, right there.
Juan Pablo blames his choice of words on his inability to speak the language that he’s been speaking for his entire life. The guy is from Rochester. He didn’t spend 25 years in a tree in Venezuela. He has a Netflix account and a favorite cast member of ‘How I Met Your Mother’. He wasn’t raised in a jungle.
There’s more confrontation and some bleeped vulgarity. It’s my least favorite form of vulgarity. Andi yells at Juan Pablo and he repeatedly says “Essokay” and declares that he doesn’t want to argue. He’s really just trying to get this over with.
I have a feeling that the women in next week’s ‘Women Tell All’ episode are going to boo Juan Pablo. I’m obsessed with the idea of this happening. It’s never happened. I’m more concerned with the live studio audience reaction of Juan Pablo’s entrance to next week’s show than I was about the last 12 presidential elections. Juan Pablo’s approval ratings have to be pretty low.
For the second time this season, Juan Pablo has been dumped. First, his Oprah singer dumped him. Then, attorney Andi dumped him. He takes his dumpings well for a man searching for a wife, mother and breeding partner. Juan Pablo is still on top of the dump standings with a pristine 21-and-2 record. He has clinched a ‘Dump’ playoff berth so, essokay.
Andi rides away in a 1972 van that drives on the wrong side of the road. She doesn’t cry a lot. There really hasn’t been enough crying this season. I wonder if this will affect the price of strawberries.
The rose ceremony is next and it’s pointless. With Andi’s departure, Clare and Nikki are the final two standing in the quest for a heartless man’s heart. They still hold a rose ceremony so Chris Harrison can touch Juan Pablo’s girlfriends on the back a couple of times. Juan Pablo doesn’t even change out of his ‘Andi scene’ shirt.
It just so happens that the two girls who hate each other the most are left. It’s like a Red Wings Avalanche playoff series from the 90’s or the battle between Ice Cube and that can of Coors Light.
Next week, the women tell all and we have to sit through two hours of the women telling all. I would prefer they told less than all. No one cares what I want, though. I guess essokay.
Greg Bauch will be at Helium Comedy Club for Edge Comedy Night on March 26th. He’s telling you this after you read the worst collection of 3,000 words ever written.