Januarie rolls on and that means we get to watch desperate, emotionally unstable women chase a garbage man on television. Well, I get to watch it. You get to read about it. Arie Luyendyk , a race car driver, has about 23 girlfriends and ABC is going to make sure a bunch them annoy America before he agrees to make one his fiancé for 6 weeks. It’s a story told many times before in boring fashion. It’s ‘The Bachelor’.
First off this week, ABC shows us a hawk. It’s super hawky. Then, Arie jumps on a motorcycle and drives by. It’s about as pointless as anything else on this show.
Next, Chris Harrison gathers the girls and announces the plans for a date. He says, “Arie is on his way here.” And the girls all scream. They’re excited because the man who is supposed to be dating them is arriving. It’s so unexpected. My chest hurts from all of this surprising stuff.
Chelsea says that, if she doesn’t get the first date, she’s going to feel stung. Well, girl just got stung AF because Rebecca gets the first date. Arie arrives on his motorcycle to drive Becca away. One of the other girlfriends comments on how cute they look together. I know, when I’m dating a man whose dating other women, I always remark on how good he looks with the other girlfriends.
Arie drives away with Becca. Becca says that the motorcycle drive was “unreal.” It was totes unreal, you guys. I was watching it and thinking about how not real it was. For a second, I thought I was watching a cartoon or something. I yelled out, “This can’t be real!” and scared my dog.
The two lovers arrive at a house or something. Arie introduces Rachel Zoe like everyone knows who she is. Rachel Zoe is a designer. She puts Becca in a bunch of clothes and Becca models them for Arie. Becca is having such a good time that she says, “the world could end today and I would die happy.” So, Becca is super selfish. She could have just killed herself and died happy, but she wants the whole world to end. Why do we have to die for you to have your happy ending, Becca? I’m in hell. I have to die too? You have to end the whole world? I don’t like Becca.
After clothes, Arie and Becca sit down and drink. That’s what you do on this show. They talk and there’s talking. Arie tells Becca how down to earth she is. She’s totally down to earth. She’s practically a worm. She’s ordinArie. Do you guys see what I did there? I put Arie into the word ordinary. I should work for ABC. You guys are jerks.
Next, some whore dude walks up and gives Arie blood diamonds from Neil Lane to give to Becca. Becca accepts the diamonds and Arie sucks off part of her face with his face. There’s a bunch of slurping. It’s not fair that Neil Lane gave Becca diamonds but Arie gets all the face slurping. She should have slurped the dude that delivered the diamonds.
After her stupid date, Becca goes back to the mansion to show off all of her stuff to the other girlfriends. They’re all super jealous. You guys were jealous too, admit it.
The date’s not even over. Becca puts on one of her Rachel Zoe gowns and meets Arie in a building or something. It’s incredibly romantic. Bachelor interns have lit hundreds of candles to set the mood. Becca should slurp faces with the Bachelor interns for the effort.
Arie sits Becca down at a table and they talk. So much talking. Arie discusses how much more mature he is than the last time he was on the Bachelor. You can tell. He sucks face with a lot of wisdom. Mature people always date 23 women on television. He’s practically a shaman.
Back at the mansion, the girls talk about how Arie has pillow lips. They’re pillow lips because they’re super soft to kiss. I always talk about kissing my boyfriend in front of his other girlfriends. It’s completely natural. The doorbell rings as a Bachelor intern brings the next date card. One of the girls says, “Oh my God, I literally can’t take it.” So, she really couldn’t take it. She must have died as the door opened because she literally could not take the date card’s arrival. Literally. These date cards are pretty serious stuff. It’s announced that Krystal gets the next 1-on-1 date. Keep up!
Back on the date (Keep up!) Becca tells Arie that her dad died of brain cancer. ABC plays soft ‘Becca’s dad died of brain cancer’ music. It’s bringing Arie and Becca closer together. Seconds after telling the heartfelt story of her dad dying of brain cancer, Becca sucks face with Arie by a window. Arie pulls a rope and a bunch of gold confetti drops from the ceiling. So, Bachelor interns had to spend hours rigging the rope and they’ll have to spend hours cleaning up the gold confetti but Becca acts like all of this is magical Arie’s doing so she makes out with him some more. Life isn’t fair.
Krystal’s 1-on-1 date is next. I literally can’t take it. Arie meets Krystal AT AN AIRPORT SO THEY CAN JUMP INSIDE OF AN AIRPLANE. It’s not a helicopter but whatever. Arie is taking her to his hometown of Scottsdale, Arizona. Krystal acts like they’re going to France. She’s so excited. What the hell is in Scotsdale? Sand? I’ve never been. I should go on the Bachelor.
Arie says that he wanted to take Krystal to Scottsdale because she’s so easy to hang out with. He’s hung out with her once for 4 minutes on a night when he also dated 26 other women. He’s not qualified to determine her level of hanging out ease.
Arie shows Krystal around Scottsdale. It’s about as exciting as it sounds. We see a Pizza Hut and some other stuff. I literally can’t take it. They go to Arie’s house. Arie shows Krystal pictures of his family as well as home videos. If a normal person is taking a woman out on their first official date and shows her home videos of himself as a kid, she’d call him a serial killer and run. She’d be right to do so. This is about the most awkward thing ever. I hate this show so much. Becca gets diamond earrings and Krystal has to watch VHS tapes of 7-year old Arie driving around in a power wheels, and she has to act like she likes it. Poor Krystal.
Next, Arie takes Krystal to meet his parents and family. It’s all very normal. He doesn’t even know Krystal’s last name yet and she’s hugging his mom. All you single kids out there, don’t take a lesson from the Bachelor. If you bring a girl out on a first date and introduce her to your parents, you’re going to end up on the news.
Arie’s parents talk about their love. We listen. It happens. Krystal cries. She’s not close to her own family. I hope they’re not watching. Anyway, she doesn’t get clothes or earrings.
The next date card arrives at the mansion. The girls freak out ‘cause duh. A group date is announced. A bunch of women will be on this group date. I don’t recognize any of them. The date card says “Let’s hit love head on.” So, the date will be at a hammer factory, I’m guessing.
We’re back to Krystal’s date. Keep up! Arie takes his date to an old building. It’s all old and stuff. I’ve seen old buildings, but not this old. It’s old, you guys. Please trust me. If you’re skeptical, Google “old buildings” and you’ll see one like this.
In the old building, there’s a room where Bachelor interns have lit hundreds of candles. ‘The Bachelor’ is single-handedly keeping the candle industry in business. You know how, when you go to the mall and Yankee Candle is empty and you wonder how it can possibly stay in business? It’s because ‘The Bachelor’ buys up all the candles you don’t buy.
Krystal talks about herself. She had a bad upbringing. Her dad wasn’t around and her mom was emotionally unavailable. She raised her little brother. I’m learning so much about Krystal. At one point her brother was homeless and was attacked on the streets. It’s a super sad story. Krystal cries while telling the story. ABC plays really loud ‘Krystal’s brother got attacked’ piano music. Her brother recovered from his attack, but left and never came back.
Arie comforts Krystal. It’s comforty. He says that he sees something special in Krystal. I’m guessing the special part is near her chest. Arie likes Krystal. He gives her a rose. He tells her that he likes her ‘attacked brother’ story. Seconds after hearing her tale of woe, they slurp faces. Loudly. There is something about hurt family members that turns Arie on. This guy must go to emergency rooms and just make out a ton, what with all the hurt family members and all.
Arie brings Krystal into the other room in the old building for a private concert by Connor Duermit. I have no idea who he is either. They dance while Connor sings. It’s really not awkward. I know, if I was a professional musician, I would pray for the day where I could perform in front of exactly two horny people who made out the entire time. Life is all about goals. The date ends. I literally can’t take it.
Before the group date, the girls ask Krystal about her date. Krystal doesn’t say much about it and the other girls resent her for it. I mean, that’s like a rule; if you’re dating a man who is also dating 22 other women, you need to give those other girlfriends details about your dates. It’s common sense.
The group date is next. The girls are taken to a DIRT RACE TRACK! This is super down to earth. Arie pulls up in a car and announces that they’re all going to do a demolition derby. They’ll design their own cars and then crash them. The National Championship of college football is on another channel, but I’m pretty blessed to be able to watch this.
The girls spray paint their cars. We watch it. It happens. Next, they drive the cars around. Sports quota filled. Tia from Weiner says that she’s never done crash-up derby before. When you’re from Weiner, you just shoot guns, you don’t crash cars. This is all so new to her.
Annaliese starts to cry. She’s super scared to do demolition derby. When she was a kid, she was traumatized by a bumper car experience. She was bumped a bunch and never recovered. There was a ton of bumping. It was super bumpy, you guys. Don’t make fun of her. You weren’t there to see the bumping. She literally couldn’t, guys. Stop. You guys are jerks. Arie promises to protect Annaliese and she feels better. You guys felt better too, admit it.
Next comes the car crashing. It’s the most dramatic and amazing thing I’ve ever seen. ABC gives us slow motion Michael Bay type footage of the girls all walking up to their cars. I’m emotional. Chris Harrison makes an appearance to give us play-by-play of the demolition derby. Chris Harrison is useless. He has the exact right amount of talent to be able to host the worst show on television for a decade and a half while expanding his career into absolutely no other role. He does nothing.
The car crashing begins. There’s crashing. It’s crashy as all get out. Annaliese was scared, but it doesn’t stop her from smashing cars. She’s overcome her bumper car trauma. ‘The Bachelor’ changes lives, you guys.
There’s more smashing from other cars. Are you guys as excited reading this as I am typing it? Because my fingers are on fire! I feel like I’m writing the Bible, or something. It’s that important! I literally can’t take it! There’s so much smashing. Arie is in no way getting to know any of these women who he may one day marry, but metal is being smashed. This is more important than conversation. Let this be a lesson to you kids out there, don’t date people, just get into a car and smash into them. It’s how you find love.
Sienne won the demolition derby with all her smashing. She smashed super good. I’m going to run to the mall to get her rookie card because it’s going to be worth money someday.
Next comes the after party. There’s a lot less smashing. Britney doesn’t show up to the after party because she probably suffered a concussion from the demolition derby. Arie says that he hopes she’s okay. He cares so much about Britney’s condition that he makes no attempt to leave his little party and check on her. Arie’s a total gentleman you guys. He cares about whatshername.
Chelsea immediately grabs Arie and pulls him away from the after party. Villains gotta vil. The other girls get mad at Chelsea for talking to her boyfriend.
Chelsea apologizes to Arie for being mysterious during their last encounter, even though she was not at all mysterious. Chelsea tells Arie that she has a son. Arie takes it well. He says he likes children. ABC plays soft ‘Arie likes children’ music. Upon learning about Chelsea’s son, Arie grabs Chelsea’s face and sucks on it with his mouth. It’s really loud. ABC really shells out serious cash for their microphones.
Chelsea goes back to the other women and talks about her time with Arie. The other women act mean to her. They don’t care that she’s a mom. You guys don’t care that she’s a mom either, admit it.
Bibiana hasn’t had any time with Arie. She’s upset about it because all of the other girls are pulling Arie aside and she won’t be rude and do that. The other girls encourage her to grab Arie but she won’t. She says that she’s done and storms off. Bibiana is upset. She yells at the camera guys to stop following her. The camera guys do not listen because it is their job to follow her. That’s what they do. You can’t tell a fish not to swim, Bibiana. You literally can’t!
While this is happening, Arie makes out with Bekah, even though she spells her name like that. It’s super overt. It’s a wet and sloppy slow motion kiss. ABC plays sexy guitar ‘making out’ music. I am uncomfortable with the kiss. This show has gone too far.
Arie gives the group date rose to Sienne, the woman who won the demolition derby. I guess Bekah must feel great about her kissing skills because she was denied a group date rose seconds after jamming her tongue in Arie’s throat.
The cocktail party is next. Bibiana has vowed to pull Arie aside so we’ll see what happens. You don’t want to mess with a woman who vows. It was super vowy.
First, Arie pulls Britney aside to see how she’s doing. He cared so much to wait an entire day to see how she’s doing. He gives her a ‘Most Hardcore’ award for her performance in the derby. This award was clearly laid out and designed by Bachelor interns, but Arie takes credit for giving it to her.
Next, Arie pulls Bekah to the back of the mansion to make out with her some more. Bekah talks about how much she loved their last “makeout sesh.” She says “sesh” instead of “session.” She saved so much time by not saying the entire word “session.” Bekah is so smart. By shortening words, she has a ton of free time at the end of the day for other stuff. I’m going to start shortening words too. I’m making it one of my gos. That’s short for goals. I’m terrible at this. Bekah and Arie make out some more. It’s disgusting.
Kystal interrupts one of the Laurens, even though the Lauren didn’t get a date this week. That’s cold. You can’t play a Lauren like that. Bibiana sees this and gets even angrier. She still hasn’t gotten time with Arie. There’s only so much Arie to go around.
Minutes after making out with Bekah, Arie makes out with Krystal. I wonder if these girls can taste each other. Can they tell who needs to floss more? Do they say things like, “Krystal, did you eat garlic?” The other girls are mad at Krystal because she talked to her boyfriend even though she already has a rose. You never do that. If you have a rose, you do not talk to your boyfriend. That’s dating 101.
The night is almost over and Bibiana finally gets alone time with Arie. I yell out “finally” and my wife and I high five. Just as Arie is telling Bibiana about his dog, Krystal interrupts them. That’s a double interruption! It’s uncalled for! I literally can’t take it.
Now the girls are sitting on couches. Bibiana chews out Krystal. There’s a lot of words flying around. She says that no one will respect Krystal because she doesn’t play by the rules. She says, “You just dug yourself a big ass hole.” Except, when she says it, it sounds like she says, “You just dug yourself a big asshole.” There’s a big difference between those two phrases. Digging a big asshole sounds like it would hurt. It sounds like it would hurt more than one person.
The rose ceremony is next. It’s super dramatic. I literally can’t take it. Arie hands out roses to a bunch of women. I do not recognize any of them. Bibiana gets a rose even though she was interrupted by Krystal. Krystal is lucky because Bibiana was going to get stabby. She would have dug some assholes. Arie hugs the girlfriends who do not get roses. There were three of them. One of the blonde ones leaves without saying goodbye. Arie runs out after her because he feels bad. He’s such a gentleman. When a true gentleman dumps one of his 23 girlfriends, he takes the time to say 14 words to her. Let that be a lesson to you kids. Always say 14 words to the women you dump! Keep up!
The episode ends, mercifully. I literally can’t take it.