Dez (she’s Dez now) dumped a couple of her boyfriends last week and the race for love is intensifying. As is the custom with our Game Show, Chris Harrison has taken things on the road. The group has journeyed from New Jersey to Germany. The hills are alive with the sound of slurping. Dez has only 11 boyfriends left. One of them will be her future fiancé for a couple of weeks. It’s the Bachelorette.
Dez sets the tone for the week by saying, “This is the ultimate risk, putting your heart out there…”
I hope our military is watching and appreciates that statement.
Chris Harrison gathers the group to give details about this week’s adventure. I’m never really descriptive about the scenes. I don’t like to type too much. I’m positive that every word I write is a tempting opportunity for you to stop reading my recap and, really, I would never blame you. I can’t believe you’re here in the first place. Hopefully, you’re here for the right reasons.
The preview shows there will be a lot of snot bubbles and crying. I’m excited. Game Six of the Stanley Cup Finals is on another channel.
Harrison tells his hookers that there will be a 1-on-1 date, a group date, and a dreaded 2-on-1 date where someone gets dumped before they have a chance to digest their pork.
The guys all high-five each other because they’re excited to be in Munich with the other guys that their girlfriend is dating. Mikey says that Germany is the perfect place to fall in love. It’s true. Just read anything about Germany.
Dez is excited about being in Germany. She says, “I never thought that this would be my life”. It’s not your life, Dez. Free trips to Germany and sexy ‘hot-tub’ dates are not a part of real life. There are very few times in real life when a helicopter will pick you up to bring you to an orchard.
Chris gets the first date. They explore Munich, like Magellan would have. Back at the hotel, Bryden talks to one of his other datemates about his desire to leave the show. He immediately leaves his Munich hotel to dump Dez. Bryden says that he thinks Dez will appreciate the fact that he doesn’t wait until tomorrow. I don’t know a ton about women, but I do know that they hate waiting to be dumped. Women LOVE to have their dates interrupted to be dumped by their other boyfriends. What’s the point of dating 11 men if you can’t be dumped by one of them while you’re on a date with another one?
Bryden walks the streets asking random Germans if they’ve seen Dez or a bunch of cameras. He asks thirty people who don’t speak English, but doesn’t ask the guys behind him holding cameras and cell phones with the phone numbers to the other guys filming Dez on her date. It’s internationally annoying.
Bryden finally tracks down Chris and Dez. Chris is super eager to have his date interrupted. He is. He actually seems happy to see Bryden. Bryden dumps Dez and leaves Germany. Dez cries. A lute plays in the background while she cries so, you know it’s serious. Dez questions why Bryden bothered to come to Germany. I guess it’s also the perfect place to end love.
Dumped Dez and Chris continue their walking tour of Munich. They head into a German restaurant to drink and make out. Chris tells Dez that he’s there for the right reasons. They make out in German.
When they’re drunk enough, they go to a palace or something to eat on television. A poor Bachelorette intern had to light approximately 4 billion candles. It’s like a Sting video. Chris and Dez talk and there’s talking. They talk about families and relationships. I fall off of the couch because I was leaning forward, hanging on their every word. It was a super interesting conversation, accompanied by super-sensitive soft ‘relationship’ piano. Chris reads Dez a poem and I rip off one of my fingernails to contrast the beauty of the moment. Chris’s poem is beautiful. It has already been made into a Maroon 5 song.
Dez gives Chris a rose and they’re probably in love or something. Ask Mikey, Germany is the perfect place to fall in love. Chris says that he feels like he’s known Dez for years. This episode already feels like it’s been on for a decade so, I can’t argue.
When they’re done eating and making out. Matt White comes out to give them a private concert because the Bachelorette has never done anything like this. It’s not a played-out idea at all. If a Bachelorette date ever consisted of two people climbing down a building, while making out in a hot tub, while Hootie serenaded them with a private concert, the world would explode.
Chris tells America that he’s falling in love with Dez. He says, “This is happening. This is real… and… it’s happening.” Chris is this generation’s Robert Frost.
The group date is next. The guys all put on coats to go to a snow-covered German mountain. Dez says, “Let’s go play” and I’m all, “Hell yes! Let’s play!” and they play. You have no idea.
A gondola brings the bunch up to the top of the mountain and they all gasp at the beauty. There’s yodeling… and beauty. The guys take turn yodeling. No one is making out.
When the super-fun yodeling is over, they ride sleds down the mountain. Everyone dies. I wrote that because I figured no one was reading down this far. There’s a snow ball fight. Dez laughs and the guys laugh. Everyone is laughing. It’s a riot. I have to close my eyes and think about horrible things to keep myself from laughing too hard so I don’t pass out.
When the snowball fight is over, and guys, it was super-fun, they go into an ice castle. It’s only the fourth time the Bachelor/Bachelorette has ever put their contestants in an ice castle. The guys take turns pulling Dez into different sections of the ice castle to make out with her. It’s like a High School party, but there’s just one girl. Brooks makes out with Dez. I can see that their noses are runny from the cold so, they’re basically just rubbing snot over each other’s faces. It’s disgusting.
Instead of making out, big tough Mikey makes snowmen families with Dez. It’s a bold move from a guy who could bench press a truck. I know, when I want to seal the deal with a girl, I make a snowman family with her and talk about how many kids I want.
Shirtless guy Zak gets some alone time with Dez and tells her about the time in his life when he was close to becoming a priest. He’d be the gigoloiest priest ever. ‘Gigoloiest’ is a word, now. I taught it to my computer.
James is next for ‘ice castle’ snuggle-fest. James has been cast as the next villain of the show. The guys say that he’s there for the wrong reasons and that he has plans on becoming the next Bachelor. I’m assuming Ben is going home and, they need another villain so, they’re turning James into a bad guy. When Dez and James cuddle, ABC plays some ‘controversial snuggle’ music.
12 seconds after telling Dez that he’s falling for her, James tells the camera that he’s not a fit for Dez and that he doesn’t care if he gets a rose. You guys, he is NOT there for the right reasons. You have no idea.
Dez gives the group date rose to Brooks because he shared boogers with her. She should have given him a tissue.
Ben and Michael get the terrible 2-on-1 date. Michael says, “This is 2-on-1 is the worst possible scenario. I gladly accept this challenge. In this competitive ‘Gladiator’ style setting, I need to go murder Ben.” Michael then says, “Today is Armageddon”. I’m pretty sure ‘Armageddon’ means that it’s the end of the world. Michael is a little dramatic, which is perfect for the Bachelorette.
The music for their entire date is the kind of music they play on Lifetime movies when someone is stabbing someone. On their way to their 2-on-1 date, Michel and Ben are both drinking scotch. I’m hoping Michael really does murder Ben.
Dez, Ben, and Michael sit on German benches in a German park and drink from German Thermoses. I’m assuming their called ‘Germoses’. You guys, I totally just invented a thing. Germoses! My computer isn’t even telling me that I spelled something wrong. Now, I’m worried that someone already thought of Germoses. It’s either that or, my computer has just given up on my horrible spelling and grammar.
When they’re done drinking, they jump in a freezing cold lake because Dez is here to find a husband. Dez fools them into thinking they’re jumping into a lake. Instead, they ride a hot-tub motor boat through the lake. Hot-tub motor boats exist so, that’s nice.
They drink alcohol in their hot tub boat. I usually need to throw up when I drink in a hot tub. I cross my fingers that someone throws up and ABC shows it. Ben and Michael argue but it’s hard to hear over the hot tub gurgling. Michael learns that Ben hasn’t talked to his son in a long time. He talks about how important it is for Dads to be around their sons. Dez is uncomfortable. She’s in a hot tub and she’s not even making out with anyone.
When we come back from commercial, James is rubbing Mikey in the German hotel for some reason.
We’re back to the 2-on-1 date. Keep up!
Dez, Ben, and Michael go to a cabin to eat on TV. When they’re done eating, Dez will dump one of them. They show a lot of the eating. Michael makes things more uncomfortable by pointing out Ben’s flaws. He grills Ben on religion and abandoning his son. I’m not really enjoying watching strange people eat on TV. They’ve made Ben the villain, but he comes off looking good while being interrogated by Michael. He keeps his cool and leaves to go outside to breathe.
While Ben is breathing, Michael talks bad about him behind his back. Dez doesn’t seem impressed. Michael is screwing up his 2-on-1 date. Dez thinks about dumping Michael, but dumps Ben instead. I scream. Did you guys scream? Dez puts Ben in the limo so he can talk to the limo camera guy.
Ben talks to himself like a really bad actor would talk during a High School play. He doesn’t cry. He’s not even sad. He says that he’s going out to get drunk and hook up with German girls. You guys, Ben was here for the wrong reasons. You have no idea. I would never get drunk and make out with German girls.
When that’s over, Chris Harrison sits down for a stirring interview with Dez. They talk about who she likes kissing. Then, they replay the entire episode we have just watched because this franchise is void of content. There is still 20 minutes of show left. They should have shown more footage of Chris and Dez walking around Germany. It’s the perfect place to fall in love.
The cocktail party is supposed to be next. With Ben gone, James is the new villain. Keep up! The guys have decided that they’re going to expose James to Dez. The music is ‘exposey’. ‘Exposey’ is a word now. Dez tells Harrison that she knows who she’s sending home and that she’s canceling the cocktail party. THIS SHOW HAS NO RULES!!!!!!!! The music is ‘Rule-less’.
Harrison tells the guys that the cocktail party has been cancelled. They act like they’ve just been told Joe Montana died (sports quota filled). NOW THEY CAN’T TELL DEZ THAT JAMES IS A FRAUD! IT’S NOT FAIR! WHY DID THEY HAVE TO GO TO GERMANY?!
The Rose Ceremony is next. Dez tells them, “I didn’t want to put you through another cocktail party when I’ve made up my mind”. She’s a sweetheart. Those cocktail parties can be murder. I know I hate sitting on a couch and drinking. She’s a hero for cancelling it.
They give evil James the final rose to build up the drama. It works. Dez dumps Mikey in a German palace. Mikey said a lot of smart stuff. He had super big arms. I mean, he still has super big arms. He just doesn’t have them on the Bachelorette anymore… literally and figuratively. The guys are super bummed that Mikey is leaving. I know I’m always upset when my girlfriend dumps the guy with the giant neck who she is also dating.
Mikey goes out like a pro. He does not cry in the limo. He probably didn’t have to ride that far in the limo before getting a chance to sleep with 7 women at once.
Next week, they go to Spain or something. There will be a lot of crying because James is the worst person in the world… until he’s dumped and ABC makes a new villain.
While the credits roll, an old yodeler guy tells everyone that women aren’t important.
Greg Bauch is the author of ‘Frank Dates’ and his last name is the German word for ‘stomach’.