This is the last Bachelor/Bachelorette recap I will ever write. Luckily for you, every single recap I’ve written since 2003 is exactly the same, so just read those every day…

This is the last Bachelor/Bachelorette recap I will ever write. Luckily for you, every single recap I’ve written since 2003 is exactly the same, so just read those every day for the rest of your life. I hate this show so much and I never thought that I’d run out of ways to describe my disdain. But I have. There are no more words. You’re just going to have to try and enjoy yourself without my suffering. I know you can do it. You guys know you can do it too, admit it. It’s the end of a disgusting run of terrible writing about terrible programming. It’s  ‘The Bachelorette’.

Becca has but two boyfriends remaining. That’s like having no boyfriends. How many people reading this have 7 or 8 boyfriends? I’m guessing most of you. What’s the point of dating if you don’t have 27 boyfriends? It seems stupid. Anyway, Becca will choose between Blake and GarretTT tonight and she’ll get engaged to the game show winner for four months and we’ll all rejoice. It’s the natural progression of things. Let’s watch!

Chris Harrison shows a live studio audience how little talent he has by asking them rhetorical questions that make them cheer loudly. It works. The audience cheers like they’re about to watch Jesus Christ walk across a lake. Chris Harrison asks the cat owners if they want Blake to win, and the cat owners cheer. Then, in a stunning turn of events, he also asks the cat owners if they want Garet to win, and the cat owners cheer. It’s as if these people want both men to marry Becca in a weird brother-husband situation. It’s called the most emotional finale in Bachelorette history, which means it would have to contain a single ounce of emotion.

We start with footage of a lizard because ABC has to fill three hours and you’re not NOT going to show us a lizard. They’re in the Maldives, which I think is in Wisconsin. Becca tells us that this is the most romantic place she’s ever been. We’re going to have to take Becca’s word for it. ABC didn’t tell us all of the places she’s been.

Becca does yoga while she thinks about which man she’ll pick for her brief and unsuccessful relationship. It’s a tough decision. I’m so glad I don’t have to make it. I would literally die, you guys.

Becca walks into a Maldives villa or something and talks to her family. What a coincidence that they’re also there. She tells her family that she isn’t sure who she’s going to pick. Her family nods a lot because they totally support Becca’s stupid and misguided journey for face slurping. I wish my family supported the stupid things I do.

Next, Garett arrives to the villa to meet Becca’s family. Garret is super Magoo. He has a smile on his face like he’s constantly trying to play it cool after hitting his thumb with a hammer. I haven’t seen a guy smile this much since my dad found out you could fry cheese.

Garrret says nice things to Becca’s nice family. They smile too. Whoa, you guys, so much smiling going on. Garrett gives a toast to families and tells Becca’s family that his dead family is looking down on this weird television date from heaven. Becca’s family toasts to Garett’s dead family. You guys toasted to Garrett’s dead family too, admit it.

Garetttt talks with Becca’s uncle or something. It might be her dad. I can’t keep up. He tells this man that he cares about families and understands adversity because his mom battled cancer. Garett cries and makes Becca’s uncle or dad cry and everyone is crying.

Next, Garrret goes into the other room and tells Becca’s sister how much he loves Becca. He starts to cry again and he can’t even talk. While Garrettt is crying, he still smiles. This guy would smile in an outhouse. ABC plays soft ‘Garretttt is super sincere’ music, so America falls in love with Garet. It’s official; America loves Garett. School children are probably writing him letters as I write this tire-fire recap.

Hurry up and slurp his face!

Becca’s sister tells Becca that Garett cried and that makes Becca cry. Becca’s sister starts to cry. Crying is a lot like smallpox. Everyone is going to get dehydrated from all this crying. Where are the Bachelorette interns with bottles of All Sport?

Garrret leaves. Becca’s family talks about how they love Garett. Becca loves Garret. Everyone loves Garrett so I guess he’ll win.

Next, it’s Blake’s chance to meet Becca’s family. Blake also smiles too much. These people need adversity. No one should be this happy. Someone should punch them in the dick.

Blake talks to Becca’s sister. He tells Becca’s sister that he loves Becca. Becca’s sister is doubting Blake’s love. It’s super doubty. She wants to know why Blake never loved any of the other women in his life enough to marry them. Blake counters her question with an answer. It’s a bold move. He says he has dated strong women, but no one like Becca. It’s a super good answer. Good job, Blake. You nailed it!

Next, Becca talks to her sister. There is just so much talking. I wish my living room would catch on fire so I could leave for a few hours. Becca is emotional because she knows Blake loves her but she has two boyfriends to love and isn’t sure which one to love the most. Becca cries. It’s almost as if (and totally stop me if you think this is a crazy thing to say) it’s almost as if people shouldn’t date two men at the same time. I don’t know. That’s crazy talk. I’m sorry, guys. I take it back.

Blake talks to Becca’s mom and the mom asks Blake how he’d feel if he isn’t picked. That makes Blake feel like he won’t get picked. He freaks out. Becca’s dad asks Blake about Garrettt and Blake freaks out because he doesn’t want to talk about Garettttt, Blake wants to talk about Blake. You guys wanted to talk about Blake too, admit it!

Blake leaves his family meeting with much doubt on his mind. He’s so super doubt-filled. If Blake’s doubt was an ocean, it would be the Pacific, which is a really big ocean. That comparison should give you a good idea of how much doubt Blake is carrying in his mind. It’s a lot, is what I’m saying.

To make this show worse and completely confusing, ABC goes back to the live studio audience. Chris Harrison brings up two actors who are in a new movie I’ve never heard of and will never see. Harrison asks them about Blake’s emotional family meeting and the actors talk about it. You guys don’t need to hear from no-name actors, you’ve got my recaps! This is all unnecessary and pointless!

Becca’s family does more talking. This is on top of the ton of talking we’ve already had. Her family loves both Blake and Garrett, so they’re not helping. Becca’s sister says that she’s proud of Becca. It makes a ton of sense because Becca dated 27 guys on TV, and who wouldn’t be proud of that?

Becca has a 1-on-1 talk with her mom. Becca’s mom tells her she needs to think more about which of her boyfriends she wants to marry. Moms are always saying things like that. It’s like, whoa, mom, relax! Becca doesn’t know what she’s going to do, but luckily, there are still 137 minutes remaining in the show.

It’s the next day. Keep up! Becca walks around the equator and looks at birds and stuff. ABC captures the footage to share with the world. She meets Garett for their final date before the end. They go on a boat because that is what ABC has done every season for 15 years, and they’ll never spend a single second thinking of any new ideas. If something’s broke, why fix it?

Becca and Garrettt make out on their boat. After that, they talk. Aren’t you glad you read these? You could be contributing to your community or learning to play a musical instrument, but you’re wasting your time reading this trash. I love all 9 of you!

Garrret’s in the middle of talking about serious relationship stuff when some dolphins swim by the boat and they both freak out like they’ve never seen dolphins before. They never go back to the relationship talk. They laugh about the dolphins and then make out. Dolphins must really get these two going. If they do get married, we know how that relationship will get spiced the f up; hot Dolphin vids!

While Garet and Becca make out amongst the dolphins in the ocean, Garrett talks to the camera about how Becca will make a great mother. It’s clear to see. Any woman who would lick a guy’s larynx while sharp-teeth mammals swim afoot is a clearly placed on this earth to nurture babies. My mom never made out with my dad in the ocean and I’ve never felt properly raised.

It’s nighttime. Keep up! Becca and Garret talk about the super fun day they’ve had. We all sit on our couches and nod because we saw it too. It was magical. Next, they talk about how Garrett snores. They laugh about it. If they date, this topic won’t be funny in, like, 2 days. As a snorer, I can tell you it stops being cute immediately. My wife has punched me in the face to get me to stop snoring.

Garett tells Becca that he’ll be good to her. She slams her tongue into his mouth. Let this be a lesson to you kids at home, always tell a woman you’d be good to her. It gets her almost as hot as the sight of dolphins does. Becca and Garrett make out while doing that annoying whisper talk thing. Bachelorette boom mic operators have to move in super close to catch all of the romantic words and slurp noises. ABC plays soft ‘Garett will guard Becca’s heart’ music. Garrrrett is a super good heart guarder. He must have majored in heart guarding in college. As Garett and Becca make out more, ABC goes to commercial. Garettt tells the camera again how he’ll guard and protect Becca’s heart. He does not go as far as Casey Mumbles with a Shield and Rose Heart tattoo. Few people on earth really could be as guardey and protectey as Casey Mumbles.

It’s the next day. I can’t believe you’ve read down this far. Becca meets Blake for a bike ride. So, I guess Blake doesn’t win because Garret got a ride on a yacht. If you’re riding a bike, you’re not winning the game show.

We watch four minutes of bike riding. It happens. Next comes some paddle boarding. Sports quota filled. They follow up the paddle boarding with swimming. This is like a romantic decathlon.

Next comes more talking. It’s been 38 seconds since someone talked, so it’s nice to see the return of the talking. I thought I went deaf for a second because no one was talking. Blake asks Becca what her family thought of him. Becca says her family liked Blake. Blake is happy because he’s no longer doubting himself. He thinks that eternal love with Becca is possible. You guys think eternal love with Becca is possible too, admit it.

Becca and Blake make out in the ocean and the salt is probably helping to cleanse the STD’s they’ve undoubtedly contracted during this season.

It’s night. There’s more talking and making out. It’s the same as all the other stuff, so go ahead and skip to the end of the recap to see who won or whatever. Blake pulls out a gift for Becca. The guy who loses the show always gives the Bachelorette a gift. It’s a sure omen for losing.

Blake has packaged together a bunch of pictures of their love journey. It’s super creepy because he didn’t take any of these pictures. He must have bought them from sweaty Bachelorette cameramen. Becca loves her bootlegged photography, so she makes out with Blake. ABC plays soft ‘Blake has a chance at winning’ music, even though we all know there’s no shot.

In an obvious explosion of foreshadowing, ABC goes to commercial with Blake talking about how he thinks he’ll win ‘The Bachelorette’.

Up next is the part where Becca dumps one of her boyfriends. If you’re new to the show, this process takes an hour. ABC shows Becca waking up and walking around her bungalow, thinking about love. It’s super thinkey. She’s really focused on this whole love thing. Becca reads a letter from her stupid sister who still won’t tell her which guy to pick. Becca cries while reading her letter. There will be a lot of crying from here on out.

Next, the guys walk around without their shirts to think about love. Then they visit diamond whore Neil Lane to pick out the engagement rings they’ll never need because this relationship is doomed. Neil Lane hardly at all seems like the kind of guy who would push a bus full of children off a cliff for 11 dollars.

Next comes the dumping. Chris Harrison sets the scene. He says, “What you’re about to see, no words can describe.” He then uses words to describe what we’re about to see. Chris Harrison doesn’t even understand what he said because he used words right after saying that words wouldn’t do anything. My greatest wish in the world would be for Chris Harrison to get a special case of diarrhea that makes it so he can never leave the toilet again because he’s just constantly shitting until his body dries up into a tiny, little diarrhea corpse. I hate Chris Harrison.

Blake arrives to be dumped. Becca waits on the beach to dump Blake. As Blake walks up, she smiles and greets him so he isn’t aware that he’s about to be dumped. It’s the best way to rip someone’s heart out. Blake begins proposing marriage to Becca and she lets him do it because she cares more about being on TV than she cares about being a decent human being. ABC plays soft ‘Blake is proposing’ piano music even though they know Blake is about to be dumped.

After Blake declares his love for 4 minutes and proposes marriage to Becca, she looks down and asks for a moment. You see, you need a moment before you dump someone. Becca tells Blake that her relationship with Blake was so solid that it made her not see how in love she was with the other guy she was dating. She basically tells Blake that his love forced her to love Garett. So, she’s not only dumping Blake, she’s blaming Blake for his own dumping. It’s a masterful dumping.

Blake, who by the way is wearing a suit on the equator and sweating like a roasted pig, starts to cry. He says that he didn’t see his dumping coming. It’s incredible that none of these guys who are dating a woman dating 27 men see their dumping coming! Blake says goodbye. Becca walks Blake to his dump limo while he sweats profusely. ABC couldn’t even set up fans for Blake’s dumping.

Instead of just walking Blake away peacefully, Becca continually talks to Blake to sustain the dumping. She’s making sure the dumping lasts as long as possible so Blake will be haunted by it forever. Blake asks her what made her dump him and she says nothing made her dump him. That’s not possible. No one dumps for no reason! Something always happens! We need Becca to tell all! This is bullshit!

Becca sends Blake away and he cries a lot. He walks into a cabin to cry. Then he sits in front of a camera to talk and cry. He’s sweating and crying so much. Someone hand Blake a Pedialyte! Blake doesn’t seem to accept his dumping because he loved Becca so much. At this point, I’d like to point out that he dated Becca for, like, 8 weeks and saw her a total of 6 hours. I hate this show.

The dumping is over. ABC switches to the live studio where Chris Harrison is sitting with Blake to talk more about the incredibly painful experience he’s had. I know, when I’ve had a terrible time, I always like people to ask me questions about it while complete strangers watch. It’s good for the healing process.

Chris Harrison asks Blake if getting dumped was difficult and Blake tells him that it was difficult. I had a feeling it was difficult, but it’s nice to get confirmation. Chris Harrison asks Blake why he told Becca he loved her even after she dumped him. Chris Harrison doesn’t understand that love doesn’t care about being dumped. Love just is. You can’t stop love with a dumping. Love is like back sweat; it doesn’t stop flowing just because it reaches your ass crack, it flows eternally.

Blake says that he’ll always love Becca. That’s a long time. He hopes Becca finds happiness, so he’ll be disappointed twice tonight. Chris Harrison points out how painful it’ll be for Blake to watch Becca get engaged to Garrettt. You would think, because he’s the devil, that at this point Chris Harrison would throw it to the video footage of Becca getting engaged to Garrrett, but he doesn’t. ABC decided not to show the happy proposal part of the show until the  end of the third hour because they know I just want to go to bed. They’re going to drag out my final viewing of this shit show as long as possible. I guess they know that people watch this show at the same rate they read my recaps.

Chris Harrison brings out Becca to tell Blake why she dumped him. Blake asks Becca why she dumped him. She clearly knew she was going to dump him but prolonged the dumping because ABC lawyers made her prolong the dumping. Blake doesn’t seem to get that. Blake tells Becca that he forgives her for her dumpiness. Blake still wants Becca to be happy. You guys still want Becca to be happy too, admit it. Blake is obviously going to be the next Bachelor, but I don’t care because this is the last episode I will ever watch.

Blake and Becca wish each other well for an hour. Chris Harrison asks pointless questions to which we already have the answer. Audience members nod. It’s all very awful.

Next, we get to watch the super happy moments. Garrettt arrives to the beach on the equator in a suit to propose to Becca. My feet would literally be sloshing in that heat. Can’t this guy just propose in shorts? I’m sweaty just thinking about it.

Becca is super happy. She loves her some Garrret. She is picturing Garrett and their little kids with a bunch of T’s and R’s in their names, jumping into a minivan. This is what she always wanted. This is whAT AMERICA WANTED!!!111!!1EELELVENTY!!11!!!

Garrett starts to propose to Becca but she stops him. Garret has to be thinking he’s totally dumped but he’s not! My wife and I high-five because it’s a good goof and we love a good goof! Becca tells Garrrett that she loves him and Garett is super smiley. He cries and they hug and there has been a lot of snot for a finale. Garrrett and Becca slurp faces a little more and then he gets down on one knee to propose. ABC shows us the blood diamond. Becca says yes. They slurp face some more.

You guys, I’m so happy because I never have to watch another second of this televised colonoscopy. The thing I hate most in the world is dead to me. I will now retire to a tranquil life where I don’t have to listen to slurping in surround sound, I don’t have to watch people ride in helicopters, and I never have to see Chris Harrison’s stupid face again. Who knew there’d be a fairy tale ending?

Bye, guys! Thanks for reading! It was super readey.