ABC gave us a week off for America’s birthday. It really made that whole Revolutionary War thing worthwhile. And, much like the British army after a failed evacuation in Yorktown,…

ABC gave us a week off for America’s birthday. It really made that whole Revolutionary War thing worthwhile. And, much like the British army after a failed evacuation in Yorktown, Virginia, ABC is out of ideas. There’s nothing left but the screams of the wounded and the putrid smell of gangrenous limbs. It’s America’s birthday present to itself. It’s ‘The Bachelorette’.

When we last left Rachel Lindsay, she was keeping it 100 by dumping a bunch of her boyfriends. Rachel only has 6 boyfriends left. That’s almost the normal amount of boyfriends. What is going on?

The STD crew has arrived in Geneva, Switzerland. Rachel walks around Switzerland while cameras follow her. I almost feel like I’m in Switzerland. Rachel stands on a balcony and thinks about her journey. That’s when I remember that we’re not in Switzerland to sightsee. This is bigger than that. Rachel’s looking for love. Focus up, people. We’ll probably just get a taste of Switzerland. We won’t get the whole kitchen.

The guys run around Switzerland and yell out Rachel’s name, in case she’s listening. Then they sit in their hotel room and talk about how huge this week is. Two guys will get dumped, and the four remaining guys will bring Rachel back to their hometown. In case you’ve never seen this show before, hometown dates are the most important thing to ever happen to earth. They’re like oxygen, I think. I’m not sure.

There’s no time to think about it because Rachel has arrived and announced that there won’t be a rose ceremony this week. There will be three 1-on-1 dates and a group date with three men and one Rachel. The music is super dramatic and completely matches what Rachel just said because, whoa!

Bryan gets the first 1-on-1 date. He goes in the other room to take off his shirt and put on another shirt. Luckily, cameras follow him in the room so we get to see him change shirts. Otherwise, we would have never known what had happened.

Rachel takes Bryan outside and they get inside of a fancy car. Bryan drives because women are not allowed to drive on TV. They drive around and I’m not sure what is said because I’m literally just screaming my lungs out over how exciting this 1-on-1 date is. It’s only 8:04 and I’m already hoarse.

You can be the Bachelorette but you can’t drive the nice car!

Rachel and Bryan stop at a watch store to buy watches. Holy shit! The 1980 Miracle on Ice is a boring pile of puke compared to this date. They’re at a fucking watch store buying watches! I think I snapped something in my neck by pumping my fist so hard! Rachel just bought Bryan a watch and I had to pause the show to run out and tip over a car. Bryan is so happy that Rachel bought him a watch that he throws her down and they make out in the watch store. I bet the watch store guy is glad he didn’t call in sick today! He’s getting some Lifetime Movie Channel soft core right in his watch store! Score! More like Sexzerland!

Bryan and Rachel are now on a boat making out. Keep up! I’m not sure how they got there. I’m exhausted. If someone else buys a watch, I might have a heart attack. Now they’re in park drinking! I feel like I was a war criminal in my former life and this is my punishment.

Bryan is totally getting a rose on this date. They’ve slurped a ton. There’s no way these two don’t need constant trips to the hospital for saliva transplants. The slurping is deafening. You could land a jet on my front lawn and I wouldn’t hear it.

Bryan is nice. My wife thinks that Bryan will lose this game show but could become the next Bachelor. I’d wager on it, but I couldn’t care less about anything.

Another date card arrives. Dean gets the next 1-on-1 date. I have no idea who Dean is. I guess he’s on the show. Dean is worried because, if he does well on his date, he has to bring Rachel home and he says that he doesn’t have the best relationship with his family. Dean has demons, yo?

We’re back to Bryan’s date. Keep up! They’re in a theater or something. There are approximately 7,000 candles lit throughout the theater. Bachelorette interns worked overtime! Rachel says she has important questions for Bryan before he gets a rose. She asks him how he became the man he is. That’s a super important question. I always ask people that before I give them a rose.

Bryan talks about his past relationship. There is so much talking. He says that his mom didn’t like his ex-girlfriend and she sabotaged the relationship. Moms are always doing that. Moms are the absolute worst.

Rachel is super impressed with Bryan because his mom is terrible. She gives him a rose and asks if he’ll bring her home to meet his terrible mother. Bryan says “1,000% yes.” That’s not really a thing, Bryan. You just could have said “yes” or “100%.” I’m glad Bryan’s mother is terrible. Rachel and Bryan make out and a bunch of violin people come out of nowhere and start playing romantic music. I think they’re interns. They’re good for more things than just lighting candles. You really gotta have a lot of talent to be a Bachelorette intern. This date lasted longer than a trip to the DMV.

Dean gets the next date. I remember him now. He looks like he was in O-town. That’s not a compliment. Rachel is bringing Dean to church, because that’s a cool date. Rachel says the service is in French. I have no idea why the things on this show happen, but they do. The things won’t stop.

I have put up with a lot of dumb shit from the Bachelor/Bachelorette, but having to watch church is a new low. What kind of church lets camera guys from a sleazy Reality TV show in to film? This church should burst into flames. Rachel and Dean do the church and we watch it. It happens.

Next, who cares? There’s no way anyone is reading this. I just recapped church. I hate me way more than you guys ever could. Don’t even try to hate me. You won’t come close to my self-hate. I’m the Muhammad Ali of hating myself. Sports quota filled.

They’re out of church. Dean is acting nervous because he doesn’t have a good family and he knows Rachel will have to meet his family if he gets a rose. Rachel can tell something is wrong. You guys could tell something is wrong too, admit it!

Back at the Swiss hotel, the next date card arrives announcing the final 1-on-1 date. Peter gets it and the other guys are super bummed because they didn’t. Anyone would be bummed. Don’t hate their bummedness. Accept it.

We’re back on Dean’s date. Keep up! They go to a place. Just picture a place. I can’t describe it. It has widows. Dean still hasn’t talked about his family and Rachel is concerned. It’s concerny. Rachel wants to see the serious side of Dean before giving him a rose. Dean digs deep and spills the beans on his family. ABC plays soft “Dean has troubles at home” music. It gets us in the mood for the seriousness of Dean’s words. Dean’s mom died and it ruined everything. Another terrible mother! How dare she! Dean says his dad checked out when mom died, so he had it tough growing up. When he’s talking, he cries. You guys cried too, admit it!

Rachel smooths it over. She says she doesn’t care if Dean’s mom died. She’s still keeping it real. Dean gets a rose. I can’t wait to meet his emotionally detached father! That should be great television. I hope they go to church! Let this be a lesson to you kids at home, always have an emotionally unavailable dad and dead mom if you want to further your relationship with your girlfriend. They love that shit.

Peter’s date is next. There’s still an hour left so I’ll probably be dead soon. Rachel brings Peter to A HELICOPTER!!!! They’re totally going to helicopter everywhere! I just made helicopter a verb. Deal with it.

They fly to the Swiss Alps. It’s Alpy. I think they’re somewhere near Switzerland. As they fly above the Alps, Peter tells the camera that he has “high hopes” for their relationship. He’s such a wordsmith. I just threw up in my mouth.

The helicopter lands them near some dogs. I guess dogs just hang out in the Alps. I bet that’s where they make Alpo. Everything makes sense now. The poor dogs are forced at gunpoint to carry Rachel and Peter deeper into the Alps. Bachelorette interns had to climb 47,000 feet to set out a blanket for Rachel and Peter to sit on.

It’s -4 degrees, but Peter and Rachel talk. There’s talking. Their faces are both frozen. I hope they don’t make out because there’s gotta be a lot of snot up in those noses oh gross they’re making out. Why? Peter and Rachel run their snot all over each other’s faces and I have to watch it because you people won’t let me stop watching this show. I hate everyone who is reading this recap, especially you. You’re the worst. By the way, what do you do if you’re stranded on the Alps? You yell out “Alp!” Get it? I hate you.

This date keeps happening. They’re in a museum, or something. It’s a good thing you’re not reading this. Peter raises his alcohol and they toast to a wonderful evening. I feel left out because mine has not been wonderful. Rachel asks Peter about his family and he talks about them. I scream because this is the most fun I’ve ever had. Peter says that his family isn’t terrible, so that’s different. Rachel asks if Peter’s family likes black people and they do. Score!

Peter talks about his ex-girlfriend and of course it’s the saddest story ever. Peter cries because the relationship ended. It doesn’t make a lot of sense. He says he shouldn’t have dumped her. Then, I guess he shouldn’t have dumped her. Peter isn’t good at math. It’s simple subtraction. If you don’t want to dump, don’t dump!

Hearing that Peter would dump a woman who wasn’t right for him scares Rachel. She wonders to the camera what would happen if she chooses Peter but he doesn’t want to marry her? That’s serious. You should never fall in love with someone you love. You should only love people who will undoubtedly marry you, whether they want to or not. Duh!

Rachel shakes off her reservations and gives Peter a rose. She’s willing to take a chance on Peter. Peter accepts the rose. They slurp their faces together a bunch, so you know it’s 100. This show is disgusting.

Peter and Rachel make out on a balcony and love is real.

The group date is next. Eric, Adam and Matt will vie for the final remaining rose. Rachel announces that they’re going to take a boat ride to France. I think that’s near Switzerland. The boat ride is super awkward because the three of them hang out on the bow and do this weird group hug thing. It’s so unnatural. Why would anyone sign up to be on this show?

The boat lands and they get out to drink alcohol. It’s 11 degrees. ABC did not want to pay to bring these people somewhere warm. Adam raises a toast to Rachel finding love. It’s a nice thing to do.

Rachel and Eric go off to make out and talk. The topic of discussion is how hard life is. I take notes because it’s true. Life is totally hard. These two are keeping it so super real right now. The realest. Eric grabs Rachel’s face and yanks it toward his to make out with her. It’s a little aggressive. Rachel seems into it.

Next, Rachel pulls Matt aside. I have no idea who Matt is. I’m not sure he’s been on the show. Matt talks about how he has feelings for Rachel and my wife yells out “He’s going home!” It does seem that way. Matt is a dead man walking. For one thing, they’re not making out at all. If Rachel doesn’t immediately jam her tongue down your throat, she doesn’t like you. That’s science fact. I’m just keeping it 100.

Matt keeps talking and Rachel just starts crying. It’s happening. Matt is going home. He seems like a nice guy, but Rachel isn’t into nice. He should have grabbed her face. This is awkward. She didn’t even wait a minute into the group date to dump him. Why even take him? Do you know how much fuel they could have saved if the boat didn’t have to carry Matt to France? Does Rachel not care about the environment? How come you guys never answer my questions?

Matt gets into his dump limo. There’s an “OH” sticker on the back of the limo. They must be in Ohio, France. I think that’s near Dayton. Matt tells the camera that he hopes Rachel finds what she’s looking for. It’s a weird thing to say. I think he’s thinking of U2. Matt is being really nice. Sounds like someone is angling to be the next Bachelor.

With Matt out of the way, Eric and Adam sit down to an awko taco dinner with Rachel. This is huge and important. One of them will get dumped. The music is super serious because we live in super serious times. This is bigger than all of us. I’m nervous. No matter what happens tonight, I want you guys to know that I love you. I take back all that bad stuff I said.

Rachel pulls Adam into the other room to talk. This show is mostly talking, kind of like our bodies are mostly water. Adam tells Rachel that he’s mostly in love with her but there’s a part of him who is scared. That must be the part of him that isn’t water. Water is never scared. ABC plays soft “Adam 98% loves Rachel” music. I’m not sure if he’s getting a rose yet. The wife is silent on the subject. No one knows what to think. We’re just going to have to ride this out.

Eric gets some alone time with Rachel. He says that he’s never ever taken a girl home. I’d be surprised, but it’s not easy to take a girl home. You have to trick them into going and women are pretty smart. It’s a miracle it ever happened for me.

Eric explains that he grew up in a bad neighborhood and things were rough. He says that he’s not used to healthy relationships. This experience helped him want to help people. ABC should be playing soft “Eric likes to help people” music, but they’re not. They’re playing sinister “Eric is bad” music. I’m confused. Helping people is good, ABC! Why are you playing bad music? Jerks!

Rachel is confused. She isn’t sure who to pick. She feels pressure because she knows that she has to pick someone tonight. Of course, because ABC wants Rachel to find love, Chris Harrison interrupts the show to tell Rachel that she doesn’t have to pick someone tonight and she can take her time because love is important. Nah, not really. ABC doesn’t give a shit. Rachel has to pick someone immediately because this is a stupid gameshow.

Rachel pulls both of her boyfriends together to dump one of them. She gives them a speech. The speech is so long. Rachel hasn’t learned that the best way to get rid of a band aid is to just rip it off. Rachel gives the final rose to Eric, even though the music says he’s bad. Adam is dumped. At least he got to see some France.

Rachel walks Adam out into the French night. Adam tells her to not regret anything. So, I guess he wanted to get dumped? There’s no time to think about it because Adam is getting into the limo.

Adam tells the camera that he doesn’t know how he got dumped. Maybe he’s never seen the show before. He thinks that Rachel made a mistake. You guys think Rachel made a mistake too, admit it. Rachel thinks Adam was a great guy, but she didn’t get to know him well enough. She only got a taste. She never got the full kitchen.

So, four guys are left. Things have been kept the appropriate amount of real. Next week, we’ll get to see the hometown of Eric, Peter, Dean and Bryan. We’ll also meet some terrible mothers and some emotionally unavailable fathers. It should be about as much fun as surgery. If you read down this far, you can print out this email and take it to any Consumer’s beverage and buy some alcohol. You won’t a deal, but the alcohol will help with the anguish this recap caused you.