I didn’t recap ‘The Bachelorette’ last week and no one sent me a single “Hey, where’s your recap?” message. It’s a great reminder of how my recaps are the equivalent of a homeless guy pissing himself; people don’t care and they’ll go out of their way to ignore it. Going into tonight’s tape-delayed viewing I honestly could not remember the Bachelorette’s name. I was thinking it was Dez now, but it’s not. It’s Becca. Becca’s journey for love continues and it’s so uninteresting that not one single person wants to hear about much I hate it. I’m so glad I’m retiring after this season. It’s all very pointless. It’s ‘The Bachelorette’.
Last week, Becca took her boyfriends to Virginia. Becca walks around Richmond and thinks about love. We see it. You can’t see the love because it’s an emotion and not a tangible thing, but it’s there. Also, the guys lean off a boat and yell Becca’s name because ABC is the ass crack of entertainment.
Things start with a gripping Chris Harrison/Becca interview. Sometimes a groundhog will get hit by a car and its corpse will lie on the side of the road until it’s bloated and covered with flies. That dead groundhog has more talent than Chris Harrison. Becca answers stupid questions. She says she has developed strong connections with her group of boyfriends. Chris Harrison nods a lot because that’s one of only three things he’s capable of doing.
Next, the guys go up to their hotel room and act like they’re excited to be in Virginia. Leo the stuntman says, “Just like Virginia birthed a nation, I hope it births a relationship between me and Becca.”
Okay, so that’s so stupid I’m refusing to recap the next hour of this episode. That means I’ll miss Becca’s 1-on-1 date with Jason from Buffalo who’s not really at all from Buffalo, but I don’t care. One hour recap blackout.
Wait, on her 1-on-1 date with Jason, Becca took, like, 11 minutes to describe her dad dying. And, right afterwards, Jason said, “I think I’m really falling in love with her!” So, if you wanna get in Jason’s pants, go into great detail about how your dad dies. Okay, now I’m back to refusing to recap the episode.
Okay, blackout temporarily lifted! The group date includes two guys dressed as George Washington and Abe Lincoln walking around and taking to the guys about how they’re going to hold a debate to win Becca’s heart. They’re calling it ‘Beccalection 2018’ because ABC is the dung beetle of television networks. Okay, I’m back in recap blackout mode.
Okay, blackout lifted again. So on Leo’s 1-on-1 date, Becca and Leo shuck oysters, because that’s what you do when you want to find out if one of the guys you’re dating is the man you’ll marry. Also, are oysters the only thing in the world you shuck? Can you shuck chicken? You can’t! Don’t even try to shuck a chicken, or a horse or dung beetles! You can’t do it! Keep up! Becca did not tell Leo the 11-minute story about her dad dying so Leo must not be the one. Back to recap blackout.
Blackout over. The guy named Chris who looks like an evil Ben Stiller acted like a jerky jerk and went to Becca’s hotel room to explain his jerkedness and Becca dumped him. What followed was a super awkward moment where Chris did not accept his dumping so he sat in silence. How can you not accept your dumping? If you’re dumped, be dumped! Let this be a lesson to you kids at home, accept being dumped if someone dumps you. Don’t make us all sit and watch your awkward silence because you didn’t feel like being dumped at the moment.
The rose ceremony is next because Becca cancels the cocktail party. This move deprives us of all the wonderful moments a cocktail party can provide. I feel cheated. You guys feel cheated too, admit it.
Becca knows who she wants to dump. She says that she knew what she was going to do when she woke up in the morning. That’s a great feeling when you know exactly who you want to dump. I start every day just lying in bed trying to decide who to dump and I can never really make up my mind. I’m constantly late for work. It’s exhausting. Becca really has her shit together.
Becca dumps Lincoln, which is incredible because Lincoln was the only villain remaining. How will villains vil if there are no villains to vil? Answer me! Some guy named Connor also got dumped and I don’t remember a single thing he’s ever said or done.
Buckle up because there are STILL two more hours to go! If you pieces of shit are going to keep reading these and making me suffer, I’m going to make you experience as much pain as possible.
We’re in the Bahamas. Keep up! Becca sits on a speed boat and thinks of love. We see parts of the Bahamas so we know for sure that Becca really is in the Bahamas and not in Angola or something.
The boyfriends check out their Bahama hotel room and Wills is wearing top-to-bottom leopard print. That’s a look I could never pull off. I can’t wait until I’m old enough to not care if I walk through a mall in top-to-bottom leopard print and kids laugh at me. I just don’t have the confidence yet. I also can’t wait until I can shit in my pants and someone else cleans it up for me. Wills is a graphic designer and that makes the leopard print decision even more questionable.
Chris Harrison interviews Becca because there’s so much we don’t know about the things we already watched happen. If I squatted in front of an expectant mother, caught her newborn baby and spoke to it, I would get more information than I’d get from a conversation with Chris Harrison because he’s a useless human being.
Colton gets the first 1-on-1 date. He’s a 26-year old former NFLer and a virgin. Colton still hasn’t told Becca he’s a virgin, so it’s super dramafied. You can’t just not tell your girlfriend you’re a virgin. Let this be a lesson to all you kids out there, if you meet a girl, the first thing you should do is tell her you’re a virgin. Don’t even let her say hello. Put your finger on her lips and yell, “I’m a virgin!”
I wasn’t positive Colton was a virgin until he got on a boat with Becca and leaned off the front of it yelling, “I’m the king of the world.” Only virgins do that.
Some guy named Action hijacks Becca and Colton’s boat and makes them dive for conch. This allows ABC to get as many “conch” innuendo jokes as possible. Becca says things like, “Let’s get some conch” and “Oh my God, so much conch” and “Colton really works that conch” and I hate this show.
Becca and Colton eat conch. Then, they make out. Keep up! Colton tells the camera that he’s nervous about telling Becca he’s a virgin. All of this could have been avoided if he wore a t-shirt on the first day that said “Virgin.”
Becca and Colton sit down to not eat food right in front of them. Colton begins the painful process of telling Becca he’s a virgin. We watch as it unfolds. It takes forever. Colton says he dedicated his life to football and, because of that, he’s still a virgin. I don’t know, I played Little League football and they give you a little time off after practice. I think you’d have some time to have sex. It’s not like sex takes long, especially if you’re a virgin.
Becca handles the virgin update well. She tells Colton not to worry about telling her he’s a virgin. Then, she gets up and leaves the room. It’s always a good sign when you tell a woman something uber personal and she just walks away. It’s like the time I told a room full of people that I once peed my bed when I was 19 and completely sober and no one said anything for five minutes. Not cool.
Becca returns. It’s returny. Colton assures Becca that he’s only a virgin because he didn’t have time to jam his conch into something. He says he’s not waiting for marriage. Becca likes hearing that so she gives Colton the virgin a rose. They make out. Whoa! This guy’s mouth isn’t a virgin! He’s a little make-out slut!
Garrett gets the next 1-on-1 date. They meet on the beach because they’re in the Bahamas and there are beaches there. A sea plane picks up the young lovers to make sure ABC wastes as many natural resources as possible while I waste brain cells watching. ‘The Bachelorette’ is an open landfill of garbage.
After a Bachelorette intern parks the plane, Becca and Garrett sit on the shore and talk, but all we hear is the crash of waves. Their conversation is completely washed out by the sound of the ocean, which makes it the best conversation in Bachelor/Bachelorette history.
After the talk we can’t hear, Becca and Garrett make out in the ocean. We do manage to hear the slurps. It happens. Oceans can’t compete with sluts-a-slurpin’!
It’s night time. Keep up! Becca and Garrett talk about the day, even though we just watched it happen. They drink alcohol and make out some more. Aren’t you so glad I came back to recap this?Becca gives Garrett a rose. No one is reading this. No one cares that Garrett got a rose. I should just make stuff up. Becca and Garrett run into the ocean to make out some more. A shark eats Garrett. Maybe. Who cares? You don’t.
For the next half-hour, the Bachelorette is interrupted by a special presidential announcement and it’s like when your diarrhea is interrupted by an asthma attack.
We’re back to a 1-on-1 date featuring Becca and one of her other boyfriends. This one’s name is Blake. He looks exactly like all of the other white guys on the show. The date features a special appearance from the Baha Men, who have not been seen in 18 years. When you’re a big shot network like ABC, you only line up the brightest stars!
Becca and Blake dance. Then, they make out. Then, they have a conversation and that is just the worst possible thing that can happen. I wish I didn’t watch it, so I’ll spare you the lack of details. The conversation continues through to the night. It’s so conversationally. These two are just conversating the hell out of this conversation. There’s stuff about growing up and love and parents and how Blake’s mom had an affair with his basketball coach, so they cover everything.
Blake opens up a ton and Becca falls for it. She loves his open-upedness. Should there be a couple more hyphens in “open-upedness?” Open-up-edness? Open-up-ed-ness? No one cares. Becca doesn’t describe her dad’s death, but you can tell how much she loved hearing about Blake’s slutty mom because she goes to town on his mouth with her mouth. They slurp loud enough to wake up my dog. Becca gives Blake a rose. Let this be a lesson to you kids at home, always have a mom who leaves your dad for your basketball coach. Becca is super into it! She can see a forever with Blake. They make out for four additional minutes.
The group date is next. Wills has changed from leopard print to a floral blouse. This dude is comfortable in his skin. Becca and her boyfriends play volleyball. Sports quota filled. They just got it in under the wire! Becca makes out with a bunch of her boyfriends. This girl loves her slurping!
She makes out with Leo and then talks to him for four minutes and then dumps him. Wow! Leo got dumped on a beach SECONDS after making out with her! I’m sure that’ll boost his confidence. Too bad for Leo. Virginia birthed a nation, but the Bahamas murdered his journey for love. Maybe now he’ll get a haircut.
Becca also sends home Leopard Print Wills. I have no idea why because my DVR ran out. The good news is no one read down this far. Next week is hometown dates and those are incredibly stupid.