Becca has slurped dozens of men and still hasn’t chosen a husband. It’s like the sword in the stone, except instead of pulling a sword out of a stone to find a king, you lick inside the mouths of a bunch of men to find a husband. You already stopped reading my recap. Good. I’m so tired, and this is pointless. It’s ‘The Bachelorette’.
When we last left Becca, she told her pack of horny boyfriends that she was taking them to the STD capital of the world, Las Vegas! I always say, the best place for televised prostitution is the state that allows legalized prostitution.
This week, ABC lawyers will cattle prod the guys into telling the camera that they’re falling in love with Becca. It’s a process. There is also the eternal fake struggle between Jordan the male model and ol’ breaky face David. Becca walks around Las Vegas and thinks about love. She says that she’s ready to “roll the dice on love.” Boy, we’re 30 seconds in and I’ve already thrown up in my mouth.
The boyfriends yell Becca’s name into the Vegas night because ABC has no new ideas. They check out their hotel and share a glass of champagne. These guys really like each other and it’s not weird at all that they’re dating the same woman.
We’re 3 minutes in and at least eight different people have yelled “Vegas baby.” I’m not going to make it through this episode. I can already tell.
Colton the virgin gets the first 1-on-1 date. He’s a virgin, so this could be the first time he’s ever been in a 1-on-1 situation with a lady. Becca takes Colton to ride camels. You know, just your traditional Vegas experience. Whenever I’m in Vegas, I always leave Vegas to go ride camels.
They ride camels. Sports quota filled? So far, no one has said that they’re “getting over the hump in their journey to find love.” It’s an opportunity wasted.
Back at the hotel, David and Jordan argue. It’s super arguey. This is what we call foreshadowing. There’s plenty more drama to come in this episode. Stay tuned!
We’re back to the camel date. Keep up! Becca and Colton have parked their camels and Bachelorette interns have set up a hot tub in the middle of the camel field. These poor interns. Being a Bachelorette intern really sets you up for a future career in candle lighting and hot tub assembly. Becca and Colton make out in their hot tub because that’s what you do. Let this be a lesson to you kids at home, if you park your camels to jump inside of a hot tub, you’re gonna be making out.
When the slurping is done, Becca and Colton sit down to not eat food. Colton says that it’s the best date he’s ever been on. This guy has about as much substance as Styrofoam. I can’t stand listening to him talk. It’s like listening to a Garmin navigation system. Colton tells Becca that it’s hard for him to love because he got burned by his ex. Well, Colton’s stock just went up because Becca LOVES guys who have been dumped.
Becca likes Colton’s dump story because she leans over and presses her esophagus into his lungs. They slurp loud enough to scare my dog.
Back at the mansion, the group date cast is revealed. It’s also discovered that Jordan and David will be going on an completely uninteresting and annoying 2-on-1 date where one will get a rose and one will get dumped. I’m predicting they’ll both get dumped, but let’s not jump ahead. Stop jumping ahead, you guys! Live in the moment! Becca is trying to find love! Appreciate it in real time!
Back on their date, Becca gives Colton a rose and licks his gums some more. Colton no longer has tartar. Colton walks Becca outside to drink more alcohol. Normally, this is where ABC gives them a private concert from one of the terrible artists they’re trying to promote, but they must have run out of money because there’s no concert. There’s just a billboard that says “Kiss her.” Colton kisses Becca. Wait, what if that wasn’t their billboard? There are a lot of people in Las Vegas. That could have been intended for a different couple. Colton just stole someone else’s kiss billboard!
It’s the next day. Keep up! Becca’s pack of abs arrives at a Las Vegas mansion. There are peacocks, so you know this is serious. It’s Wayne Newton’s house. Wayne Newton has had some face surgery. I’ve seen baseballs with fewer stiches. He can’t even talk because the skin of his face has been pulled behind his ears.
Wayne Newton gives the group a tour of his home. It’s toury. Wayne Newton introduces everyone to his wife. He can’t blink because he doesn’t have real skin. He sings. I want it all to end. When will all of this end? The boys are tasked with writing a song to Becca which they’ll have to perform. This should be the worst thing that ever happened.
The guys write songs. It’s great television. Lincoln the flat earther and sexual predator is wearing a floral jumper. It’s not often you can find something worse about a person than assault and flat-earthedness, but here we are.
ABC hurries along the song writing because Wayne Newton’s face melts if exposed to more than 45 minutes of sunlight. Wayne tells the boyfriends that they have to perform their song in front of a live Vegas audience. It’s a super big deal. This has never happened in the history of ‘The Bachelorette’, unless you count every single fucking season of this mindless program.
Up next, there’s a bunch of terrible singing. It happens. We watch it. Our gods judge us. Our children shall never forgive us. Our souls leave our bodies to wander eternity. These moments will never be ours again.
Becca likes her boyfriends. She says, “I’m feeling so many connections, but also friendships.” So, Becca doesn’t think that a friendship is a connection. Got it. The guys also talk about their connection with Becca. We have reached the point where the word “connection” gets tossed around like Elizabeth Shue in ‘Leaving Las Vegas.’ That’s a movie.
The group goes to the Vegas hockey arena. So much sports. It’s empty, like their souls. Becca makes out with Garret, the guy who has posted racist memes on his Twitter. You kids and your racist memes. Always with the racist memes.
There’s a bunch of talking in the hockey arena, but zero hockey. There’s also no flat earth talk, despite the fact that we have a flat-earther in the group! ABC does not care about my feelings.
One of the guys tells Becca that he loves her. I ask my wife who it is and she says, “some guy.” So, we’re both super into this show. The guy was Blake. I feel like these guys are all named Blake. Becca gives Blake the group date rose. It’s the perfect ending to a pointless happening.
The 2-on-1 date is next. Jordan and David are both fired up for it because they hate each other. Jordan says, “David cannot control my realness.” Let this be a lesson for you kids at home, never let someone try to control your realness. I know I have my realness locked down. 100.
Becca takes her two boyfriends to the middle of nowhere. There are a lot of rocks. It’s quiet and awkward. Bachelorette interns have set up a canopy bed in the middle of nowhere because of course.
David gets the first dose of alone time during the date and uses it to talk bad about Jordan. David is an idiot. All he ever does is talk about Jordan. Girls don’t love it when you talk about Jordan. He says that Jordan talks about how he wants to date other women. David says that Jordan is here for the wrong reasons. That might be true, but David is going home.
Jordan gets alone time. Please keep in mind that Jordan has been planted by producers to be terrible at TV. Becca confronts Jordan about the things David has said about wanting to date other girls. Jordan denies it. It’s super denyey. Guys, I don’t know who to believe! You can’t deny something if it’s true! That’s illegal! Now Jordan tells Becca about how his mom had mental health issues. It’s a smart move. ABC plays soft “Jordan’s mom had mental health issues” music.
Becca says that she’s going to bring the two guys together for a confrontation. We’ve gone from mental health soft music to confrontational dramatic music. The room is spinning. I can’t take this.
During the commercial break, ABC plays a promo for their new cop show called ‘The Rookie’. I thought there were already 8 cop shows called ‘The Rookie’. Every show on television is about a doctor or a cop who is a rookie. I hate ABC.
We’re back from commercial. The confrontation begins immediately. We didn’t even have time to get ready. Jordan starts yelling at David for saying bad things. He’s mad. Jordan says, “Love is the greatest power on earth. Being me is my greatest power. You will not take that power.” I wish that was my yearbook quote. Jordan yells for another minute and David doesn’t back down from his statements. Both these guys claim to be keeping it 100. That’s how you keep it.
Becca gets frustrated because the guys won’t stop arguing. She leaves. The guys keep arguing. I’ve figured it out. Neither of these guys is here for the right reasons. Becca has not figured it out. She dumps David but keeps Jordan. She doesn’t give Jordan a rose because she isn’t sure about him yet.
They leave David alone amongst the rocks. So, I guess David will starve to death now.
The 2-on-1 date continues without 1 of the 2. It’s a 1-on-1 date, now. Keep up! The rest of this date will be so much less fun without all the yelling and 100 keeping. Becca tells David how she spends her weekends. Jordan explains what it’s like to be a male model. I miss the yelling. The conversation is stupid and it’s clear that Becca is going to dump Jordan too. This woman has a hankering for dumping and only two dumps will do.
Before that can happen, Jordan reaches over and kisses Becca. He giggles a bunch to make it more awkward. It’s like it’s the first time he’s ever kissed a woman. I wish I didn’t see it happen.
Becca picks up the date rose and then puts it back down. She says nice things about Jordan and then dumps him. After the nice dump speech Becca gives, Jordan just says “Okay.” He doesn’t really feel emotion because producers told him his acting gig would only go this far. So, Jordan’s fake journey is over. At least he got to kiss a girl for the first time. Jordan goes outside and watches fireworks alone. I feel like “watching fireworks alone” should be a metaphor for masturbating. Back at the hotel, the other boyfriends all celebrate when Bachelorette interns take Jordan’s bags away. The villain will vil no more.
It’s the cocktail party. I feel like you guys never take these seriously, but cocktail parties are huge. You’re going to have to just trust me on this.
Chris is gripping because he hasn’t had any alone time with Becca this week. He thinks he’s going home. I’m pretty sure they’ve already dumped everyone they were going to dump this week and Chris is worrying about nothing, but we’ll see.
Becca pulls Chris aside to talk. So much talking! They talk about how Chris wanted to leave because he thought he was going to be dumped. Chris assures Becca that he doesn’t want to leave and that he’s keeping it 100. Becca isn’t sold. ABC plays serious “Becca isn’t sold” music. She leaves without resolving their conflict. I feel so unresolved. You guys feel unresolved too, admit it!
Wait, Chris gets angry and super resolvey! He rushes over to Becca to resolve the Chris situation. Becca is talking to Wills. Wills agrees to let Chris resolve the Chris situation. I guess where there’s a Wills, there’s a way. Sorry about that guys but I couldn’t help myself.
Chris pours into his resolving speech and apologizes to Becca. Wills walks back over after one minute and interrupts the resolvingness. Now this is double unresolvey! Chris pleads with Wills for five more minutes. Wills says, “I’m gonna ask you politely to get up right now.” Chris doesn’t want to leave. It’s really tense and stupid.
Before the guys start a fight, Becca agrees to come find Chris to continue the resolving. We all breathe a breath of fresh air. Chris walks away and Becca and Wills immediately make out a ton. I know whenever I break up a fight between two of my boyfriends, I always slurp on one of their faces immediately afterwards.
Chris and Wills continue their confrontation in the other room because ABC needs two people to fight with each other or their world will explode. The other boyfriends take sides. Now we have a full scale argument. They’re all arguing over how much time a man should have with the girlfriend he’s sharing with a dozen other men. It’s the stupid argument ever.
Becca keeps her promise and pulls Chris aside again. Why the hell would you read down this far?
Chris finishes his apology. We can all sleep tonight. Becca takes Chris’s explanation but we won’t know if she accepts it until the rose ceremony. I’m worried Chris might be going home, guys.
It’s the rose ceremony. I feel like I’ve grown so much this episode. Becca tells her boyfriends that she’s gained the clarity she needs to decide who to dump. Then, she dumps John. I can honestly tell you that I’ve never seen John before. The Chris situation will remain unresolved for another week, at least.
Next week, more of this same stupid shit happens. Go ahead and not read that recap too!