A Cry for Yelp in Buffalo

Squeaky wheel gets you greasin’. That’s the concept behind Yelp.com. People go to Yelp to post comments and reviews for businesses they have visited or to read reviews for places they intend to visit. Establishments are rated on a scale of 1-to-5 stars with pleasure or disgust expressed in detail.

I’ve used Yelp. Well, I’ve visited Yelp. I can’t really get much from the comments because it seems like the reviewers are either insane and miserable or business owners disguised as Yelp reviewers. Sometimes you’ll find an honest review from a real person who had a genuine experience they needed to share. More often than not, you’ll get a performance piece from an aspiring restaurant critic pounding out 600 words on the boneless wings at Friday’s.

I might not use it for the intended purpose but I love Yelp. It is one of my favorite websites. When you combine low blood sugar with a 17-minute wait times, you get unintentional comedy brilliance. We’ve all had bad experiences but some people are unreasonable and passionate about their distaste. I love these people.

I spent more than 4 hours on Yelp yesterday, lost in a rabbit hole of 1-star reviews. I skip straight to 1-star reviews because that is where the crazy hides.

Here are some of my favorite reviews of Western New York businesses. I have omitted the business names because Trending Bauchio still isn’t sponsored and I didn’t want to accidentally anger potential sponsors.

This was, quite honestly, the saddest thing I have ever read. I’m glad Gail is never going here again. I hope this place burns. My favorite part about this post is that Gail has 0 friends.

So, you waited only 15 minutes for food, the food was great, and you got everything you wanted after complaining about it, then you give the place one star? Would free, delicious food served to you before you realized you were even hungry be worth 3 stars? Also, this woman needs to be hired as a police detective because she remembers every single detail of a random visit to a pizza place.

These are my favorite two things ever placed next to each other. ‘Triffin the walls’ would make a great album title.

As much as I hate people who throw stuff out of car windows, I can’t see how a random act from a complete stranger would force a 1-star review for the company that had nothing to do with it. Also, who sits in the front seat of a cab?

Oh, in case you missed it, Ralph Wilson Stadium is on Yelp. This made the best Yelp review of all time possible.

I figured I’d end with a review that would make everyone in Buffalo happy and proud. If you’re ever bored, check out the reviews for taxi service in any city in America. Just be sure that you have nothing to do for the rest of the night.