5. Our Media Following the Aurora, Colorado Shooting
Are movie theaters still safe? Should we ban people in costumes? How can we speculate on how and why this happened with as little facts as possible? How can we scare people following this horrific act? What do our celebrities think?
The reason that no one trusts the media anymore is because they are bad at their jobs.
4. Home Fries Instead of Hash Browns at Every Diner
Hash browns are superior in every way don’t even try to tell me different you communist.
3. NFL Training Camp
I am so excited that it almost the time of year when they play the games that don’t matter. Oh look! Half the people here won’t be on the team in a week. SUPER glad the team can spend all of this time game planning for how they can most effectively watch their wide receivers drop passes. None of us know a thing that’s happening, so let’s all fire up hypothetical scenarios on how the season will progress!
I’m looking forward to this season, but the best part of training camp is its conclusion.
2. Erecting Statues of The French Connection
A few things. We retired their numbers so this base is kinda covered. Also – GAH! I’m blinded from all of the championship rings! Their success is mind blowing!
And I’m sorry I must have missed it when they liberated Paris from the Nazis. Seriously? Statues for a team that has never won anything, in a sport this country couldn’t care for, in a town that has never won anything. Why don’t we name the skyway the Arc de Almost while we’re at it.
1. Threatening To Slap Nik Wallenda If He Doesn’t Pay Up
So the guy who said halfway through setting up a major stunt that was garnering worldwide press that he didn’t have the money to do it and needed donations to get across the Falls stiffed you on the check? STUNNING. Tight rope walkers are usually floating in hot tubs filled with petty cash so the man is definitely holding out.
You know why the Canadian side wrote off the loss? Because they actually ARE rolling in money. You know why the USA side isn’t? Because instead of banking on one of the wonders of the world to make money, we hitched our wagon to Dow Chemicals. Yes, we have a clear history of making sound business decisions. We kinda deserve to get stiffed.
It’s technically Niagara Falls, but if you get upset about that while reading a column such as this we may have to add a sixth item to this list.
Correction: In a previous update, Trending Buffalo reported that Larry Korab was the inventor of the Sousaphone. In fact, Larry Korab is the pseudonym for The Defenseman, who writes for the Dear God, Why Us? blog. You may follow him on Twitter by searching @TheDefenseman. Trending Buffalo regrets the error.