Ice cream is good, unless your brother Donny picks his nose and puts his finger in your ice cream. It is at that point that ice cream ceases to be good. Sports are supposed to be fun. Sports around here are very much like ice cream contaminated with boogers. Sports around here aren’t fun. They’re maddening.
The Bills have been entertaining to watch this season, for sure. It’s a young team with a lot of potential. This team has done a good job in following along in the Buffalo sports tradition of pouring salt on my inner organs. Sunday’s game is a great example of sports not being fun.
Here is what other fun things would be like if they were ‘Buffalo Sports’ fun:
Board Game Night with the Family
Monopoly is fun! Who doesn’t like Monopoly? Your entire family sits down at the table to play Monopoly and every time your Dad purchases a property or moves his thimble, Mom says, “Figures”. Finally, Dad can’t take it anymore and asks what Mom’s problem is. That’s when Mom starts screaming about Dad’s secretary and the late nights he’s been working. When you try to retreat to your bedroom, they both say, “No! It’s family game night! We’re having fun!” The game lasts 3 and a half hours.
You’ve got your popcorn and you’re all settled into your seat at the theater for the blockbuster hit of the summer. As the previews begin, the guy in front of you answers his phone and talks loudly. You’re not freaking out yet because it’s the previews and the movie hasn’t started, but you’re looking around for empty seats. There are none. The preview ends and he hangs up the phone. It’s a relief. Then, as the movie starts, the 2-week old baby that the woman next to you is holding starts to scream. The baby screams for 3 and a half hours. You didn’t know it at first but, Sally Field stars in the movie.
You’ve never been on this roller coaster. It looks like so much fun on the commercials. The park is packed and you sit in line for 2 hours. As you’re finally ascending the hill for the big moment, the roller coaster comes to a halt. There’s a mechanical failure. You sit in the cart for 3 and a half hours. Also, you contract hepatitis because some piece of trash cut himself in the parking lot trying to break into a car and then left his disease on one of the railings. And, on the way home, Mom and Dad argue about his secretary.
Shopping at TJ Maxx
It’s Christmas season and TJ Maxx is slopping over the sides with people. Everyone is irritable. People constantly bump into you. Everyone smells like socks. There’s nothing to look at. You hate TJ Maxx. When your wife finally decides to buy something, you have to wait in line. You wait in line for 3 and a half hours. As you’re waiting in line, you’re stung by a wasp. This really shouldn’t be on the list of fun things.
Hanging Out with Friends
You haven’t seen these guys in forever. You’re at your favorite bar, mixing it up. The band is really good. Life is good, until the door of the pet shop across the street malfunctions. A pack of rabid Dobermans breaks into the bar and bites everyone in the crotch. They bite your crotch for 3 and a half hours. Please don’t ask why a pet store would sell rabid Dobermans. Pet stores are supposed to be fun.
You’ve always wanted to be invited to a Build-a-Bear birthday party. Everyone is excited. Everyone picks out their bear accessories. As you stuff and stitch your bear, it screams. All of the bears scream when you touch them. These bears feel pain. These bears feel immense pain and the screaming is endless. The bears cry blood. All of the kids are crying because the bears won’t stop screaming. The birthday party lasts 3 and a half hours. When you get home with your bear, it acts resentful.
You and your buddies are out in a boat. You’ve got a cooler full of cold refreshments and lots of bait. You cast your line out, sit back in a comfortable seat and throw your legs up onto the cooler to relax. Then, your one buddy drops the bait into the water and, while scrambling to get it, your other buddy accidentally kicks the cooler into the water. Another fishing boat marches down the lake and catches three fish, eliminating you from playoff contention. While you’re riding back into the harbor, your Mom and Dad argue about his secretary.
Mom and Dad got you a video game for your birthday. You plug it in and you’re ready to go. Your character takes a step forward to begin his quest. He’s immediately hit in the face with a fire ball and dies. A message pops up on the screen telling you that you have no lives left and you have to wait until the end of the game to play again. The game lasts 9 months. Also, you have rheumatoid arthritis, so it really hurts to hold the game paddle.
Sports are supposed to be fun.
Greg Bauch does a weekly podcast on Trending Buffalo and it’s a ton of fun.