What the hell happened to the time? We’re already in week 3 of the worst Bachelor season in Bachelor history. (Editor’s note: Greg calls every season “the worst season.”) Juan Pablo is in California, USA looking for a wife and a mother for his daughter and a breeding partner who will partake in, with him, sexual relations to produce an additional girl and brand new baby boy. This is the mission statement announced by Juan Pablo in episode 1. I’m not putting words in his mouth. I’m already typing too much. I’m in danger or having you not read this entire recap. I blame ABC.
Tonight was a particularly boring episode. Calling an episode of ‘The Bachelor’ boring is like calling a UFC fight violent. (Sports quota filled) 15 girls remain. We begin with preview footage of the 2-hour episode to come. I like the way ABC tells us what we’re going to watch instead of just allowing us to watch. This episode will mark the beginning of back-stabbing and displays of jealousy.
The action begins with the girls sitting around with their stupid dog. They’re all waiting for a date card. Nikki says, “On a scale of 1-to-10, I’m level ‘15’ ready to get out of this house and spend some time with Juan Pablo today.” Nikki is stupid. She set up an intensity scale with a low number of one and a high number of 10, and then stepped out of that range to post an ‘excited’ score of 15. It’s an incorrect value. Why bother posting a scale if you’re not going to stay within it? You can’t just make up your own rules! It’s math! On a scale of 1-to-10, I level ‘10’ hate Nikki.
Chris Harrison walks in with a tight shirt and lays down the rules. There will be two Juan-on-Juan dates and a group date. He drops off the date card. Cassandra gets the first Juan-on-Juan. The date card says, “Love is a wild ride.” So, there will be riding. Nowhere on the date card does it mention raking out my organs with a garden weasel. There must not have been room.
Cassandra has a kid and Juan Pablo promised to dump her as soon as possible, so the stakes are high. Before the date, a couple of ABC camera guys capture Juan Pablo innocently eating and playing in the park with his daughter. He’s a super good dad, you guys. They speak Spanish. ABC provides subtitles. Juan Pablo abandons his daughter to jump in a jeep with Cassandra.
We’re ready for anything because this show is crazy. They drive over a hill and stick their arms up. It looks fun. They’re having fun. It’s fun. OH MY GOD JUAN PABLO DRIVES INTO THE OCEAN!
It’s not a jeep, you guys. The jeep turns into a boat. ABC ditched helicopters for transformers. Juan Pablo and Cassandra ride around in their jeep boat and scream. They’re really getting to know each other.
Cassandra remarks that Juan Pablo is really in his element. His element is driving jeep boats. Noted. She’s got a ton of boobage hanging out of her life preserver. I’m assuming it’s the kind of scientifically altered boobage that renders a life preserver pretty useless but, I’m not judging. She’s entitled to whatever kind of boobage she wants. Let’s all just sit back and enjoy it. Also, let’s watch closely to see if she’s displaying good ‘mother’ skills.
ABC jumps back to the mansion to capture the other girls talking. Keep up! Elise tells a girl that her mother got sick and wrote a letter to the Bachelor to get her daughter on the show. ABC provides us with soft piano ‘Elise’s mom’s dying wish was to have her daughter date a piece of beef who is also dating 15 other women’ music. It’s endearing. They’re drinking giant glasses of alcohol while they discuss the finer points of destiny.
We jump back to the jeep boat. Juan Pablo and Cassandra talk to some other people on boats. They’re not talking to each other much. The young lovers ditch their jeep boat for a yacht. I was bored with the jeep boat anyway.
A caption informs us that Cassandra is a 21-year old former NBA dancer. How can a 21-year old be a former anything? Is she retired? Did she get too old to NBA dance? Is it like gymnastics?
Cassandra takes off her clothes to reveal a motherly bikini. They jump off of the yacht. It’s a splashy good time. 14 seconds later, they’re drinking in Juan Pablo’s house. Camila is at Juan Pablo’s parents’ house so we could get some ab grinding.
Cassandra is nervous. For the second time on this date she says, “There’s just so many things in my head right now.” I’m guessing those things are a shoe and a Marmaduke comic. Cassandra and Juan Pablo dance to terrible Venezuelan music. Neither of them is very good at dancing. Cassandra tells the camera that she has feelings and that she has built a connection with Juan Pablo. It must have been the jeep boat. Who couldn’t connect with someone on a jeep boat? How come you guys never answer my questions?
After dancing, Cassandra and Juan Pablo eat on TV. This is Cassandra’s first date since she was 18-years old. I guess her last date was miniature golf. They look at pictures of their kids. They talk and it’s hard to understand them. I’m bored. Juan Pablo hands Cassandra a rose and she accepts it. Then, they make out.
The next day, Juan Pablo gathers a bunch of his girlfriends together for a group date. First, he plays soccer with the LA Galaxy. There’s some soccer playing. It’s super sportsy. Guys, we’ve destroyed the sports quota.
The ten girls arrive at the soccer stadium all decked out in casual wear. The girls watch Juan Pablo play. They’re all impressed by his sweat. He hugs a bunch of them to share his sweat. He then announces that the girls are going to play soccer too! ABC is pretty smart. Who would have guessed a soccer tie-in? I hope, in an upcoming season, the Bachelor is a brain surgeon and they have all of the girls perform brain surgery while wearing evening wear.
The girls practice soccer. There’s a lot of soccer. The girls change into soccer uniforms for more soccer. It’s red versus blue. The girls are wearing eye black. My interest level in the show has increased exponentially. I’m kind of a big fan of eye black on women. On a scale of 1-to-10, I’d rate any woman in eye black as a 10, the highest possible grade in the predetermined scale.
The opera singer gets kicked in the face a couple of times. There’s a ton of yelling. Goals are scored. There’s more kicking. This recap is coming dangerously close to becoming a sports article.
Juan Pablo joins the blue team and they still lose. When the soccer playing is over, they drink alcohol on the field and then shower and then drink more alcohol. The girls have all removed their eye black. A part of me dies.
Nikki pulls Juan Pablo aside to explain who she is. Nikki tells Juan Pablo that she’s scared of being hurt. He tells her to stop being afraid. ABC plays ‘Don’t be afraid’ soft guitar music. Nikki and Juan Pablo really bond in their 4 minutes together. They hug.
Andi and Juan Pablo break into one of the stadium concession stands to steal food. She’s an assistant district attorney so, I’m assuming she’ll get fired. They sneak into the kitchen and make out. Their make out violates three different health codes. Neither of them is wearing a hair net for their make-out session.
Back at the mansion, Chelsie finds out that she gets the next Juan-on-Juan date. Elise will be the only girl to not get a date this week. If only her mom had written TWO letters before she died. Elise takes it well. She tells the camera that Chelsie is stupid and not ready to be a mom. The fun begins.
We’re back at the soccer stadium. Keep up! There’s a bunch of talking. Juan Pablo takes Sharleen the opera singer to the middle of the soccer field and they lay on a blanket. The ABC blanket intern makes sure that the blanket is properly laid out. Juan Pablo tells Sharleen how classy she is. He then teaches her the Spanish word for classy. Now, we’re all learning. Then, they make out. The rest of the girls watch them make out from their seats in the arena. Some of them cry.
Juan Pablo gives the group date rose to Nikki, even though she didn’t make out with him. Nikki does a white girl dance to celebrate her rose. It’s white. The two girls who just made out with Juan Pablo obsess over whether or not they’re bad kissers.
Before the commercial, we get a great teaser quote from a girl I don’t recognize, “Juan Pablo’s head was in her crotch for, like, 20 minutes.” So, we have that to look forward to.
After the commercial, Chelsie, a 24-year old science educator, gets her Juan-on-Juan date. What the hell is a science educator? Do they mean ‘science teacher’? ‘Cause I’ve heard of science teachers. ‘Science educator’ sounds culty.
Juan Pablo arrives at the hussy hotel to pick up Chelsie. First he apologizes to Elise because she doesn’t have a date. Elise is a first grade teacher. Why isn’t she a first grade educator?
Juan Pablo and Chelsie jump in the car. They listen to more horrible Venezuelan music. They dance in the car. Juan Pablo sings. I look for grenades to jump on. Chelsie and Juan Pablo eat Venezuelan food on TV. The eating is good because it gives Juan Pablo an excuse not to talk.
Juan Pablo tells the camera how important trust is in a relationship. Then, he drives Chelsie to a bridge so they can bungee jump. This frickin’ show. ABC is completely obsessed with the idea that two people cannot find love unless they are forced to jump off of a bridge or a building. It makes less sense than jeep boats.
Chelsie sees what’s happening and freaks out a little. She’s not a fan of risking her life. What an idiot. Guy Fieri is their bungee jumping safety instructor, for some reason.
They get ready to jump off of a bridge to help determine whether or not Chelsie can be a good mother. I believe that the first thing they do in Lamaze class is jump off of a bridge. There’s that and breathing exercises.
Chelsie begins to cry because she’s terrified. Juan Pablo consoles her by saying, “Let’s just do this.” He’s such a gentleman. Juan Pablo doesn’t present Chelsie with the option of not jumping off of the bridge. She clearly does not want to jump off of the bridge. I guess we now know things work in Venezuela now… and Rochester.
Chelsie starts to cry so Juan Pablo tells her she doesn’t have to jump. Chelsie says, “Once I realized how sincere he was in giving me both options, I realized that I could trust him.” First off all, that doesn’t make any sense. Second, you should be more worried about trusting the bungee cord than Juan Pablo. All of the greased Venezuelan abs in the world can’t help you if the cord lets you down.
Eventually, Juan Pablo and Guy Fieri wear Chelsie down and they jump off of the bridge. There’s a bunch of screaming. ABC plays some heavy adult contemporary guitar while Chelsie and Juan Pablo swing around. When they’re done swinging, they make out. They are wearing helmets. That’s a good idea. A helmet should help. Wearing a helmet on a bungee jump makes about as much sense as wearing a snorkel on a trip to space. What the hell is a helmet going to do, make it more convenient to clean up your spilt brains?
Chelsie says, “I’ve never had a first kiss hanging upside down off a bridge.” That was my yearbook quote. Chelsie equates jumping off of a bridge to having kids. This all seems normal.
This tortuous date still isn’t over. I’ve fallen asleep three times. The happy couple arrives at City Hall or something. They eat more food on TV. Chelsie thanks Juan Pablo for making her jump off of a bridge.
They talk about their biggest fears and career goals. Did you know that rain forests are responsible for 28% of the world’s oxygen turnover, and that the phrase “oxygen production” is sometimes incorrectly used in reference to this statistic? This has nothing to do with the Bachelor. I just figured that, when discussing something with absolutely no redeeming value, you’d like to actually learn something so you didn’t feel like stepping in front of a bus. I think about stepping in front of buses sometimes. Would it hurt, or would it kill you so quick that your brain wouldn’t have time to tell your body about the pain? Is anyone still reading this?
Back at the mansion, Elise continues to tell anyone who will listen that Chelsie is too immature to be a mother. Apparently, I’m willing to listen because I hear all of it.
We’re back at the televised dinner. Keep up! Juan Pablo gives Chelsie a rose. He says that she’s fun and cares about people. I’m not sure at what point she demonstrated care for people but, I’m not from Venezuela.
The young lovers rush over to attend a stupid private Billy Currington concert. I opened up Google to make sure I was getting Billy Currington’s name correct and the first result was a picture of his mug shot from an arrest that occurred when he allegedly threatened a boat captain. Who threatens a boat captain?
Chelsie is enjoying her awkward private concert from the boat captain threatener. There’s a lot of white dancing. Chelsie says, “There are just no words for how perfect of a day that it was today. No words.” I think, maybe, the word for perfect is ‘perfect’. Again, I’m not Venezuelan, nor have I ever threatened a boat captain. Juan Pablo says that Chelsie is wife material based on their white dancing and bridge jumping. I don’t argue.
After the commercial break, Juan Pablo sneaks into the mansion to make the girls breakfast. He says that he wants to surprise his 15 girlfriends before they have a chance to wear make-up. He says, “Its real life.” You’re right, Juan Pablo. Real life is making a Venezuelan breakfast for your 15 girlfriends in a network TV-provided mansion just after your private concert from a boat captain threatener and mere hours before a rose ceremony during which time you’ll dump a couple of your girlfriends. It’s so much like real life, it’s almost cliché.
Some girl named Kelly brings her dog out to poop and freaks out because she’s not wearing makeup. One of the camera guys zooms in on the dog pooping. There’s a ton of freaking out over the ‘no make-up’ thing.
The girls eat their breakfast and scream because Juan Pablo is a good father. Juan Pablo says, “I do like pleasing people”, yet he continues to do this show.
Juan Pablo announces that there’s going to be a pool party instead of a cocktail party. It’s super fun. The girls prep for the pool party. ABC gives me 38 solid seconds of lotion being applied to breasts. They don’t even show the faces. Shame on you, ABC. Also, thank you.
There’s a ton of splashing and screaming. Kat gets on Juan Pablo’s shoulders and he buries his head into her crotch, leading to the crotch quote. The rest of the girls get mad at Kat and her crotch. I wish this paragraph could just float across space in giant yellow letters like the opening of ‘Star Wars’.
Kelly says, “You need to be more considerate because there are 14 other girls and you look like a whore.” It’s nice to finally find out what whorish behavior is. Until now, no standard had been set.
There’s angry talk and judgmental behavior. The claws come out. Girls sit on couches and complain. I’m bored. The opera singer girl cries on Juan Pablo. She snots and stuff. Then, she makes out with Juan Pablo. It’s a snotty make out session. Those are the worst kinds.
The women who hired agents and fought to appear on a reality TV show where they would date a man who is also dating 24 additional women complain about Juan Pablo making out with other girls in their mansion.
At the end of the next commercial break, Channel 7 runs a billboard that talks about honoring the legacy of Martin Luther King Jr. That is immediately followed by two girls in bikinis crying in the bathroom of their mansion over their boyfriend making out with one of his 15 girlfriends.
The rose ceremony is next. Juan Pablo dumps Lucy the free spirit girl and someone else I do not recognize. What did these girls expect? They didn’t even jump off of a bridge with Juan Pablo. They’re not ‘mother’ material.
Cristy cries a lot and talks about how hard it is to say goodbye to the guy she knew for eight seconds. I really wish she would have just screamed like Richard Sherman.
My friend Megan informs me that Miss free spirit is carrying a pair of $2,500 shoes with her during her exit. This is the kind of fantastic insight you’ve come to expect from my recaps. No wonder she went shoeless the first week. She was saving money to afford these puppies.
Some of you (one person) have asked why I’m not recapping the Sunday night crap ABC has been airing. It’s because there isn’t enough alcohol in the world. I’ve been informed that I’m contractually obligated to recap next week’s wedding between Sean and Catherine. As a trade-off, I’m told I’m allowed to swear so, you all have that to look forward to on Monday. Until then, be well and watch for buses. Wink.
If you missed any of Greg’s previous recaps, you can read them here. If you feel bad for him and want to purchase his book, that can be done here.
I think Greg could write for Grantland. I’ve never read any of their articles, because they are too long. I never read the bachelor recap for the same reason. Greg, If you want to use me as a reference at Grantland let me know.