There’s just one problem… we hate lawn fêtes (and not just because of that stupid thing that goes over the “e.”)
Some lawn fête aficionados will try to tell you that the salvation of these monstrosities is the beer tent.
We disagree for so many reasons.
Here are five.
1. Beer tents are hot…
… and sweaty and they smell like all of those people rubbing up against you as you maneuver for a tiny piece of real estate under the soulless tarp covering a swath of suburban church grounds.
2. The beer isn’t big enough or cold enough and it seems cheap but isn’t.
$2.50 for 4.5 to 8 ounces of slightly-cooler-than-tent-temperature swill? This is not a bargain.
3. Beer tent? More like beer cage.
If I have kids, they can’t come in. If I don’t have kids, what am I doing at a lawn fête? Maybe I’m gambling except…
4. The gambling tent is SEPARATE from the beer tent.
Wait… we have to choose? Gambling OR drinking? What’s your next idea… to open a Bed OR Breakfast? Las Vegas would not have survived with this policy.
5. BEER TENTS ARE ABSURDLY LOUD.
“I’M ONLY YELLING BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IS YELLING!”
“I SAID I’M NOT ENJOYING OUR STAY IN THIS BEER TENT!”
This is the atmosphere we get to enjoy while standing next to people who consider this an upgrade from last weekend?
Have a warm one for us, say hello to Hit n Run, and best of luck in your car raffle for Jesus.