I hope you’re thirsty for death, because that’s what ABC has promised us tonight. Death. Two weeks ago, words were shouted from mouths in the interest of real keeping. Things were kept so real that the realness might just escalate into violence. And nothing is realer than blood. It’s the stupidest thing to ever happen. It’s the Bachelorette.
Before I pour into the recap, let me first thank a dozen of you for emailing me the article about the suspended production for Bachelors in Paradise. Apparently, there was sexual misconduct, to the cast of whores had to leave their Reality TV island. I don’t recap Bachelors in Paradise, so this news didn’t affect me too much. I am happy about any production of this terrible franchise being halted. I do find it funny that it’s over sexual misconduct. How bad could it have been? They literally send people to an island to have sex and fight? Where’s the line and who crossed it? Don’t answer that. I don’t care.
Back to the recap. Keep up! Eric was yelling at Lee for questioning the realness of his it keeping. Lee does not agree with the level to which Eric keeps things real, and Eric doesn’t appreciate that. Eric stressed many times how real he keeps it. Things were getting ugly.
The yelling continues. Lee laughs at Eric for yelling. Eric gets mad. He tells the room not to talk about him. The room is silent, which may have been agreement. I’m not sure.
When the yelling is done, Lee goes outside to talk to Rachel. He interrupts Kenny while he’s talking to Rachel. It’s super awkward. That’s why only one guy should date Rachel. All these guys are problematic. Fresh off of yell-fest, Lee tells Rachel how his grandfather died. Pay attention, guys. Always tell girls about your dead grandfathers. They get melty af.
One of the other game show contestants named Dean tells the camera that Lee only picks on black guys. So far, the evidence holds. Apparently, Lee is super racist. Facebook articles don’t lie. I’d look into it but that would take effort.
Rachel leaves Lee and Lee’s dead grandfather and talks to Bryan. She likes Bryan a lot and tells Bryan that she’s super nervous over how much she likes him. ABC plays soft “Bryan is the real deal” music. If you get your own music, you’re Fantasy Suite material.
Kenny pulls Lee aside to yell at him for stealing more time with Rachel. There’s a ton of yelling about stealing time. You see, you’re not allowed to talk to your girlfriend when she’s talking to her other boyfriends. Everyone knows that! From the conversation, it’s clear Lee and Kenny are no longer friends. So, that thundering boom you heard was the end of Lee’s and Kenny’s friendship. Our economy may never recover.
Lee doesn’t care about losing Kenny’s friendship. He says, “There’s not a tear in my beer.” It rhymes.
Rachel heard the yelling and it makes her sad. Rachel cries because she didn’t want to deal with all this drama, and I can’t blame her. She’s just a girl who wanted to simultaneously date 31 guys who have been meticulously researched and mathematically selected by personality profiles to dislike each other. It’s not fair! Poor Rachel. She’s losing it. More like Cray-chel, amiright?!
She says, “You have no idea what it’s like to be in this position.” She’s pretty cocky to assume I’ve never dated 20 men on television. Rachel tells the producer that she doesn’t want to answer any more questions. I guess we should all just email her our questions. Maybe she’ll get to them later.
The rose ceremony is next. It’s all about Lee because he’s the bad guy this week. Without Whaboom, it had to be someone. The other guys all talk about how they want Lee to go home, which means he’ll get the final rose.
There are so many guys left and I don’t recognize any of them. It’s like I don’t even watch the show. There’s a guy named Iggy! He got a rose. Who gives roses to guys named Iggy?
Lee gets the final rose because, of course. It was down to him and a guy named Diggy. There was an Iggy and a Diggy! What are the odds? Diggy went home, so I guess no Diggity.
Diggy cries to the camera, which is super smart. If you’re on camera, always cry. America loves it. Some other guy went home too. I don’t know him.
Rachel and her remaining boyfriends toast their budding relationship. Nothing makes things better like alcohol.
It’s the next day. Keep up! Rachel is on a boat. Oh my God, keep up! We’re in South Carolina. What the hell, it’s like you guys aren’t even trying to keep up!
The guys go to a hotel, or something. No one cares. There are alligators. The guys go out to the balcony and yell Rachel’s name, as contractually obligated. You can’t date a woman who is also dating 20 or so other guys without yelling her name off of a balcony in South Carolina. That’s just common sense.
The date card arrives. Dean gets a one-on-one date. Dean is a student recruiter. I don’t know if he recruits students or if he’s a student who recruits other things. There’s no time to worry about it because Dean and Rachel are in a jeep and they’re driving! This show gives me whiplash.
They drive to nowhere and drink alcohol. Rachel tells the camera that she hopes Dean not only meets her expectations but also exceeds them. Whoa, slow down Rachel. Give the guy a chance before you get all greedy with expectation exceeding. You can’t just set expectations and then immediately hope for them to be exceeded. Plan accordingly. Maybe set more realistic expectations? If you wanted Dean to reach a certain level, then those ARE your expectations! You’re only lying to yourself, Rachel! Expectation flunkie.
While they’re drinking, A BLIMP SHOWS UP! They’re going on a blimp. It’s super romantic. Dean tells the camera that he’s afraid of heights and terrified of the blimp. Of course he is because that is what ABC does. They find out what you don’t like and make sure your date involves that thing. If you sign up for the Bachelorette and tell them you’re afraid of bees and clowns, you better bet your first date will be at the circus where clowns spit bees out of their mouths.
The blimp date is boring. Rachel says, “It’s literally like riding on a bus.” Is it, Rachel? Literally? Buses also float on air? Did you literally pay a toll and then make stops to pick up other bus riders? No.
The blimp driver lets Rachel drive the blimp. She does it. We watch. It happens. Dean doesn’t want to do it but he does. We also watch that. Driving a blimp looks a lot like sitting on a chair and doing absolutely nothing. This is so much fun! I wish I was in a car that just drove off a bridge, sinking into icy water that will eventually fill my lungs.
Rachel and Dean talk and there’s talking. Then, they make out. Keep up! There’s a lot of slurping. Their mouths are open wide. Dean might be afraid of heights, but he’s not afraid of widths. Why do you read these?
The blimp flies over the guys’ hotel and makes them jealous. Nothing makes a guy angrier than seeing his main girl riding in a blimp with another guy.
There’s still so much of this terrible show left. ABC shows us the moon. Rachel and Dean continue their date even though it’s destroying my life. Rachel says that she loves being with Dean because “we always have fun.” They’ve known each other for 11 minutes.
Dean and Rachel drink at a table under a tree with a bunch of lights around them. It looks like an 8-year old girl’s idea of heaven. Rachel is nervous because Dean is only 25 and she’s 32. She wants to see if Dean can be mature.
Dean tells Rachel that his mom died. He’s already showing a lot of maturity. It takes a shit ton of maturity to have a dead mom. The story is super sad. Dean’s mom died of cancer, and that’s terrible. Rachel cries. Dean cries. You guys cried too, admit it.
I don’t know why, but the date continues. Rachel gives Dean a rose for his real-keeping abilities. Four minutes after telling a gut-wrenching story about his mom dying, Dean makes out with Rachel. I hope his mom is pumping her first up in heaving going, “Get some, Dean!”
After that, Dean and Rachel walk over to a Russel Dickerson concert. Rachel and Dean dance amongst 200 or so Russel Dickerson fans while Russel Dickerson plays a terrible song about love, or something. There’s a ton more making out and some super awkward white Dean dancing. The only thing worse than an ABC-choreographed Russel Dickerson concert is watching a white guy named Dean dancing at one.
The group date is next. Rachel takes 18 of her boyfriends out on a boat. It’s all super nautical. There’s alcohol. They guys toast and yell “finding love by land and sea.” The producers didn’t even tell them to say that. It just naturally happened. It’s like a Bachelorette miracle.
Next, there’s a dance off. Maybe. I don’t care if you believe me. I’m telling you that there was a Bachelorette dance off and, if you didn’t watch the show, it’s up to you to decide whether or not you believe me. I’ll never care.
Josiah does push-ups with Rachel on his back. Kenny raps. It rhymes. So much rhyming. You guys, everything rhymes tonight. A white guy named Peter raps. It’s even rhymier. I feel the group date has been kept real.
It’s not even over. You guys are so lucky. Rachel takes her boyfriends to some kind of amphitheater where local South Carolininians watch them perform a Spelling Bee. ABC really knows the formula for love. That formula is, make a girl date 20 men who hate each other while they compete in a Spelling Bee. It’s an ancient formula.
The Spelling Bee happens. We watch it. I hate it. You guys probably liked it. Lame. There are a bunch of words. The words are spelled. Spelt? Spelled. The past tense of spell. Whatever that is. Google it. I can’t. I’m watching a Spelling Bee. I’m not even kidding either. It’s a whole Spelling Bee. There are no short cuts. We watch a Spelling Bee.
Chris Harrison makes the men spell dirty words. The 12-year old judges are forced to put on earphones so they don’t hear the dirty words, because ABC cares about the future leaders of our country.
It’s been 25 minutes and the Spelling Bee is still happening. I’ve watched furniture polish infomercials with more substance. Josiah wins the Bee. He’s now eligible for scholarship money.
After the Bee, Rachel takes her boyfriends to a place with a bunch of candles and wine. These places exist. Find the places. They’re out there.
Rachel talks to some of her boyfriends. A bunch of them do not like each other. It’s stressful. Iggy tells Rachel that he doesn’t like Josiah, despite the Spelling Bee championships. Iggy doesn’t feel like Josiah is here for the right reasons.
Right after that, Iggy tells Josiah what he told Rachel. It’s super telly. Josiah gets angry. Who wouldn’t? I’m really asking. Who? I’ll wait.
Iggy explains why he thinks Josiah isn’t good. Josiah doesn’t agree. Eric joins Team Josiah in the anti-Iggy statements. Eric says Iggy is the problem. Josiah tells the camera that Iggy shoots steroids into his nuts. I’m not sure if that’s how you do steroids, but if it is I’m glad that I’m small and weak.
Lee talks with Rachel about the bad things he does. Lee says that he doesn’t do the bad things. Because ABC cares about Rachel, they don’t stop Lee mid-sentence and explain that Lee is lying. ABC cares, you guys. They want Rachel to find love, as long as she cries and suffers a bunch while looking for it.
Rachel pulls Kenny aside to talk about Lee. First, Kenny raps, because that’s all this show is now is people rhyming, yelling or lying. When the rap is over, Rachel declares that she’s about to keep things real. It’s about time because nothing has been kept real tonight at all. It’s unreal the level of real at which things have not been kept. I’m pretty sure that last sentence made sense but I refuse to go back and check. It’s in the past now. Let’s not talk about the past. I’m so sick and tired of you guys talking about the past.
Kenny explains that he yelled at Lee and that maybe he shouldn’t have. He does tell Rachel that Lee doesn’t tell the truth. The music gets all “Lee isn’t a truth teller!” I get nervous because things are about to get too real. The realest.
Lee continues to agitate because ABC is telling him to. Kenny marches up to Lee and takes him outside. The music is promising the violence we didn’t get last week. You guys, there will finally be violence! People are going to get stabbed with things!
No. The show ends. ABC tells us that the violence is going to happen next week. On two nights. The show will be on Monday and Tuesday. ABC hates me. I hate ABC. We hate each other at equal levels. I don’t want to hate but I’m forced to. I’m just keeping it real.
Jack Stone gets the other one-on-one date.