I can’t believe Becca has already reached week 3 in her journey for love. Most of us don’t even get past week 1. I’ll be you jerks get halfway through week 2 in your journey for love and you tap out from exhaustion. Not my Beccster! She’s committed to scavenging through the garbage heap ABC has thrust upon her to find the future Mr. Six Month Relationship. Becca is like a relationship raccoon, banging through your trash cans at three in the morning. It’s America’s dumpster of love! It’s ‘The Bachelorette’.
This week is nuts, you guys. ABC previews that there will be a stupid ambulance at the Bachelor mansion because one of the idiots gets hurt, the word connection will be thrown around like a garter at a wedding, and there will be a shit ton of drama!
We begin with boyfriend adversity. A couple of the guys say bad things about male model Jordan because he’s super not here for the right reasons. Jordan says bad things about David because he’s making an omelet. Keep up!
Chris Harrison walks in and tells the boyfriends how serious things this week are. Feelings are being shared, but not everyone will get a date. There will be two group dates and a 1-one-1 date. I’m so excited, a bunch of blood vessels just burst in my eyes.
Before the first group date, Becca goes to a place to talk to her not-real friends, a bunch of former Bachelor losers. These cast offs will meet Becca’s current boyfriends so they can help Becca chose a husband. I know, whenever I’m dating a bunch of guys, I always send a bunch of super attractive and attention-starved women to talk to those guys. It’s science. You’d be an idiot NOT to have your boyfriend spend time with an ultra hot woman you hardly know.
Added intrigue alert: One of the women used to date Colton, so I’ve put a bunch of bubble wrap around the drama meter so it doesn’t explode.
The guys take a bus to a place. Colton enters the place and sees Tia, the girl he used to date. Colton says, “This is one of my worst nightmares played out.” Gee, one of my worst nightmares is waking up in a closed coffin with smoke billowing in through a tiny hole, but I’m sure seeing a girl you used to date is scary too.
Jason, the guy from Buffalo who gets to the top three, actually says three words. He talks to Colton about the Tia situation, which is what we’re calling this hot mess. Jason tells Colton to address the elephant in the room. Colton agrees. It’s agreeey. Also, update: it finally says “Buffalo, NY” under Jason’s name. So, he’s no longer from Seattle or Chicago or whatever.
The men are tasked with pampering Becca’s friends. They paint the ladies’ nails. They rub them. This is really helping Becca get to know her future husband. Let this be a lesson to you kids at home; when you date someone, have them rub a bunch of other people.
The Tia situation is weighing on Becca. It’s weighey. She takes Tia into the other room to talk about the Tia situation. There’s no better person to talk to about the Tia situation than Tia. Becca seems smart. Also, I’d like to point out that this whole Tia situation is not an accident. Becca is stressed out and the only reason she has this grief is because her asshole friend Chris Harrison purposely arranged a date that involved a woman who used to date one of her girlfriends. I mean, I don’t care, but it’s worth noting. I immediately take that back. None of this is worth noting.
Tia explains that she and Colton didn’t have a serious relationship. Becca is still concerned. She says that she’ll talk to Colton and if she thinks he’s keeping things 100, she’ll keep him around. You guys, if he is even keeping things 95, he’s totes gone!
Next comes an alcohol party. You’re not going to believe this, but the party occurs at a rooftop bar. The guys sit down and drink with Becca. They talk and there’s talking. Becca talks to Jason. Apparently, she forgot Jason’s name this week. Becca also admits that she has a crush on Jason. Jason thanks her by slurping on her gums with his mouth. It’s a really intimate moment captured by three camera operations and a couple of boom mic operators. I turn up my TV so the neighbors can hear the slurping.
In the other room, Jordan talks about his Tinder. He has 4,000 matches on Tinder. I don’t know what’s going on. David gets mad at Jordan and David leaves the room. Villain gotta vil.
David makes a rookie mistake by going into the other room to complain to Becca about Jordan. If you get 4 minutes a week with a woman, do not spend 2 of those minutes talking about another guy. That’s TV dating 101.
David tells Becca about Jordan’s 4,000 Tinder matches and Becca makes a comment to Jordan about it. Jordan is super pissed. This is guy code. If you’re dating a woman who is dating 20+ other men, you do not tell that woman about one of the other boyfriend’s 4,000 Tinder matches. I can’t believe this needs to be said out loud.
Jordan calls David a bitch. Everything Jordan says makes him sound like a bitch, so it’s a pot/kettle thing. Jordan then confronts Becca about the Tinder thing. I can’t believe you’ve read down this far. Becca doesn’t care.
In the other room, David pokes fun with Jordan to rile him up. Jordan, who talks a tough game, cries like a little bitch. He explodes on David with really stupid words. It’s like watching a pair of two-year-old’s fight. I hate this show so much. I’d rather be watching a rabbit with his foot caught in a trap chew its way to freedom.
Are you guys sitting down? Because it’s time to address the Tia situation. Becca pulls Colton aside to talk. There’s gonna be sooo much talking, I can tell. Becca asks if Colton came here for her, or for Tia. Colton says that his emotions for Becca are strong. Becca nods. Nodding is good. Colton says that he wants to date Becca, not Tia. Becca jams her tongue down Colton’s throat. So, that’s the end of the Tia situation. RIP Tia situation. It’s gone to a better place, and now sits next to Claire’s dad.
Becca gives Colton the group date rose. Who the hell is Tia? I can’t even remember? Becca and Colton make out some more. It’s good because I didn’t hear enough of their slurping two minutes ago. I was hoping to hear more slurping.
Meanwhile, Jordan complains that David tried to get under his skin. This is eleven minutes after he openly bragged about attempting to get under David’s skin. Jordan is a hypocrite.
The 1-on-1 date is next. Becca and Chris go to Capitol Records. Richard Marx is there. He’s a musician. Richard Marx is responsible for some of the worst music ever created, and also the very worst music video. Putting Richard Marx on ‘The Bachelorette’ is like rubbing dog shit in a puddle of cat piss. I will say that Richard Marx looks super good for a 60-year old.
Richard Marx tells Chris and Becca that he’s going to help them write a love song. This should be awesome to watch. Chris looks very uncomfortable at the prospect of writing a love song.
Chris sits down to write. ABC gave him, like, a 400-page notebook to write his love song. Did they really thing he’d write that much? This guy seems like he doesn’t even want to write his own name. Chris tells the camera that he doesn’t like to be vulnerable because his dad abandoned him. He tried to write to his dad and got denied. Okay, Richard Marx is a dick. He shouldn’t make Chris write a love song, especially when it don’t mean nothing, the words that they say. (wink)
Chris stresses. Becca consoles Chris’ stress. It’s consoley. Becca tells Chris that she understands how hard it is to write a love song to someone you just met. Chris is appreciative. Guys, these two are totally connecting. Chris writes.
Becca and Chris read their love songs in front of Richard Marx and some camera operators. It’s super awkward. Chris’s love song is all sweet and stuff and ABC plays soft “Chris is vulnerable and sweet” music. Richard Marx applauds. He then sings their songs and this show just got worse than I thought possible.
Just when things couldn’t get worse, ABC interrupts ‘The Bachelorette’ to give us live coverage of Donald Trump meeting Kim Jung-Un. I can’t believe I just typed that sentence. I wish a spaceship would crash into my couch right now.
We’re back to the Bachelorette. Keep up. Becca and Chris sit down to talk about their date. It’s always a good idea to recap something that just happened. Becca asks Chris why he had so much trouble writing a song. Chris explains about his dad abandonment. ABC plays soft “Chris’s Dad left him” music. Becca nods. She’s a super good nodder. Becca is totally into Chris’s dad story. Let this be a lesson to you kids at home, if you want to get a girl to fall for you, always have an authentic story about your dad abandoning you so you can’t write songs. Women go nuts for that kind of stuff.
Becca gives Chris a rose. I bet Chris’s dad feels pretty stupid for abandoning him now. You walked out on a winner, dad. With fresh tears in her eyes from Chris’s story, Becca jams her tongue down Chris’s throat. I feel like that sentence should win be an award or something. This has all been super romantic. Because they didn’t make me ill enough, ABC brings back Richard Marx to play his terrible song while Chris and Becca slow dance.
Holy cow, you guys. We’re back at the Bachelor mansion. David is being carried off on a stretcher by Bachelorette medics. Lincoln tells the camera that he thinks David is going to die. This stupid show has an ambulance visit every year.
David woke up with a bloody face. The other boyfriends are all concerned. No one is saying how he got a bloody face. Chris Harrison visits Becca with a camera crew to break the news. Whenever you have something sensitive to tell someone, always bring a camera crew.
Chris Harrison acts super concerned, even though he’s absolutely thrilled about this development. The hilarious thing is that the dramatic incident occurred when David fell out of bed and smashed his face. These jerks acted like it was the worst thing ever, but it was a boo boo. They even showed blood on a towel like he’d been stabbed in the face. The fucker fell out of a bed. I hate this show.
Back at the mansion, Jordan drilled a guard rail onto David’s bed to make fun of him. Villains gotta vil.
The next group date is next. Keep up. Becca takes ten of her boyfriends to a football field to play football. For this date, Becca is wearing eye black and dedicated readers to my blog know what eye black does to me. I’m a fan of the eye black. It gives me feelings that are super feeley. I need a minute. And a shower.
So, this date will consist of football. A couple of female professional football players show up to help with the football. The boyfriends train for football. Clay already plays football, so he’s doing good.
Once the training is done, there is a football game, just like every single week of this stupid franchise. ABC brings a group of stupid people to a stupid sports place, the stupid people train for the stupid sport for eight minutes, then the stupid people play the stupid sport in front of more stupid people. Sports quota filled.
The football is footballey. For some reason, the guys are wearing hockey helmets to play football. It doesn’t make sense, but nothing about this show does. I feel so bad for the live crowd in the stands watching the game. It’s not very entertaining. I refuse to describe it.
Clay the football player hurts his wrist while scoring a touchdown. Wow, Bachelorette medics are getting overtime pay this week. They bring in an ambulance to take care of Clay. It’s not like he fell out of bed! The good news is, Becca is wearing eye black. Becca tells Clay that she’s proud of him for injuring himself in a pointless football game. Let this be a lesson to you kids at home, always injure yourself. Women LOVE it.
After the football, Becca takes her boyfriends not named Clay to an antique shop. Clay is in the hospital and Becca is so concerned that she’s going to drink with the rest of her boyfriends.
Blake is having trouble. He doesn’t like sharing the girl he went on TV, along with 27 other guys , to date. How can you blame him? Blake tells Becca that he’s having a hard time watching her with other guys so she jumps on his face and sucks his fillings out with her mouth. It’s super sweet. Blake calls Becca his girlfriend and she likes that. Becca likes Blake.
Clay shows up late to the party with his arm in a sling. Thirty-eight seconds after licking Blake’s throat, Becca gives the group date rose to Clay. I’m sure Blake now feels super confident about his kissing skills.
The pre-rose-ceremony cocktail party is next. I’m winded. There’s a bunch of talking. Clay is not really feeling like he wants to be on a game show, so he’s thinking about leaving. Whoa, this came out of left field! Wait, he’s a football player, wrong reference. This came out of the end zone!
Clay tells Becca that he’s thinking about leaving her game show because he needs to concentrate on healing. He’s a big time football player who broke his wrist. Football is more important to Clay than love. He’d rather score on the field. What a jerk. Who would rather play football than date a woman dating 20+ other guys?
Becca is upset Clay is leaving, but she understands. If she broke her wrist, she’d leave too. Becca cries as Clay walks away. You guys cried too, admit it!
Becca says that she has nothing left. She says she’s done! ABC ends the episode. I guess the show is over forever. Good.