WIVB-TV is a lovely news organization. Like all television news outlets on the cutting edge of technology they have a Twitter feed, @news4buffalo. Most stations cover the same stories the…

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WIVB-TV is a lovely news organization. Like all television news outlets on the cutting edge of technology they have a Twitter feed, @news4buffalo. Most stations cover the same stories the same way, but there’s something special about how Channel 4 uses Twitter.

Mostly, they’re depressing as hell. I swear it’s their mission to bum Buffalo out with its horrific news about the awfulness of humanity. It’s Buffalo’s own pit of infinite sadness.

This all happened over five hours on Monday on the saddest Twitter feed of all time:

I have no idea what a “Boom” update is. I just assume when terrible news comes in, Al Vaughters and Don Postles bump fists and Postles goes, “Boom.”

If you think about this long enough, this is incredibly depressing as well.

“VIOLENT MAN STILL VIOLENT,” a more generic man might say.

I actually read this story. This happened in Minnesota. WIBV is so dedicated to misery they import it from other states! Minnesota: Land of 1,000 icy geriatric deathtraps.

Surely this man is the worst person in the world. But wait, there’s two more hours left in our sample size!

This is the only bit of good news today, and they had to starve a dog to get it. Also, it’s a retweet, and we all know those are NOT endorsements.

The second graph says there’s a “very small risk,” but you should probably give your hepatitis-infested grandmother a call anyway, you putz.

Boom.

Buffalo: If the old people aren’t plowing into buildings, they’ve probably got HIV.

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Trending Buffalo is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma; but perhaps there is a key.

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