You know how Algebra class takes forever, ruins your life, and you forget it three seconds after it happens? Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you the finale of a painful Bachelorette season.
Dez (she’s Dez now) has narrowed down her search for wedded bliss to two men. More accurately, Dez had her search narrowed down for her. She loved Brooks. Brooks had other plans.
Last week, Brooks dumped Dez. Keep up! This week, Dez will choose from her remaining two boyfriends who she doesn’t like as much. It’s also possible Brooks could change his mind and come back. It’s also possible that Dez could be visited by Bentley, fall in love with Bentley, and then get dumped by Bentley. Bentley is just that good. You’re probably asking yourself right now, “Who is Bentley?” Dear sweet Jesus above, do I wish I was you.
We begin by recapping last week’s snot-fest. Chris Harrison’s voice over for the montage is as serious as a Doctor telling someone they have 48 seconds to live. ABC then previews the things we are about to see instead of just showing us these things AND SAVING US TIME SO WE DON’T HAVE TO SPEND 3 HOURS OF OUR LIVES WHEN ALL WE NEED IS 30 MINUTES!!!
The Bachelorette is giving us a live studio audience, so there are witnesses to the drama. I’m hoping for head shaking and head nodding. Harrison promises us more Dez craziness and the unveiling of the new Bachelor. We’re 2 minutes in and acid has already burned a hole in the wall of my stomach.
We cut to Dez thinking on a porch in Antigua. Keep up! She talks about Brooks breaking her heart. I do some head nodding. Harrison comes in for an interview. Dez can’t even answer a simple ‘How are you?’ question without crying. Harrison says that he understands her pain, while simultaneously doing nothing to help her.
Dez snots a little and then starts to talk about her remaining two boyfriends. She smiles and starts to accept second place. Soft piano music enters the scene to tell us that Dez has been visited by ABC lawyers who persuaded her that she better start falling in love with Drew or Chris. Dez goes back to her thinking porch to think. This girl is like Buddha.
Next up is a Rose Ceremony. I guess someone felt the need to finish last week’s show. Two roses will be given to two guys. Neither of them is loved. It’s a waste or roses.
Dez stares at the two pictures of the guys she’s about to give roses to. Chris Harrison brings Drew and Chris up to speed on the Brooks dumping. Then, he brings Dez out so she can continue with the charade of being interested in two men she wasn’t interested in the previous day.
Before handing out the roses, Dez bursts into tears because Brooks dumped her. It must be super comfortable to be Drew and Chris, knowing you’re a set of steak knives. Drew and Chris both know their role so they accept their second place rose trophies. Then, they hug, one at a time. It’s fun to watch Drew’s face while he watches his girlfriend hug her other boyfriend while still crying over the other boyfriend who dumped her… in Antigua.
After a commercial break, Chris Harrison asks the live studio audience questions. It’s a great idea. The first hopeless woman tells Harrison that she thinks Brooks is coming back. Boom! The second cat owner says that she’s on Team Chris. That declaration is followed by other cat owners in the audience who are also on Team Chris. I open a new window and search East Bay for Team Chris and Team Drew jerseys. They don’t exist… yet.
Harrison asks the audience if anyone is on Team Drew. The response is not great. Team Drew isn’t popular. He needs a new marketing team.
We’re back from commercial and Dez checks her hair in the mirror with a camera guy 26 inches away. She thinks about Drew because he has the first date and she has to hurry up and convince herself that she loves someone other than Brooks.
She rides up to Drew on a horse while he’s on foot. It’s a weird mounted v. non-mounted confrontation. ABC gives Drew a horse and they ride their horses to the ocean… on Antigua. Dez doesn’t even give Drew 3 minutes before she realizes she can’t force herself to love him, no matter how hard the ABC lawyers punch her off camera.
Dez decides to dump Drew on a beautiful beach. Drew sees it coming and gets a pained look on his face. On a scale of 1-to-10, my discomfort is a 5. Dez tries to start dumping Drew, but she can’t stop crying. My discomfort climbs to 8. Before I lose it, Drew helps with the dumping by finishing her “You’re dumped” speech. He fills in the part about him being dumped and tells her not to be sorry for dumping him. Then he says, “I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.”
Drew takes the Antiguan dumping well. Dez sits there like a tool and says nothing. They hug goodbye. That’s a lot of content for one Bachelorette finale and we still HAVE TWO HOURS AND TWENTY MINUTES OF SHOW LEFT! I WILL FIND YOU, ABC GUYS! I WILL FIND YOU AND DO SOME OF THE STUFF THAT LIAM NEESON DOES IN ‘TAKEN’.
Drew gets some time to tell America and Canada how confused he is. A Camera guys follows him off the beach right after he’s dumped. The camera is in his face the entire time. I give him credit for not getting stabby. He didn’t even get ab-rubbing ‘Hot Tub’ time with Dez. I would be irritable. Drew got jobbed. Drew cries himself into the ‘Dumped’ limo.
The shocked faces of the live studio audience members after Drew’s dramatic dump scene are priceless. They look like I must look when I see people littering.
Coming back from commercial, the same studio audience that cried for Drew is now applauding like fans behind the opposition’s free-throw basket (Sports quota filled). Dez meets Chris for their date. They’re going on a boat ride. I make note of the fact that Chris does not have any pens or paper on his person. We may get some poem-free television here. Chris apologizes to Dez for Brooks dumping her. It doesn’t make a ton of sense.
Dez and Chris hug on their boat. No one has said Antigua in 30 minutes so they both take turns saying Antigua. They play and laugh on their boat. I’ve never noticed it before because he’s always reading poems but, Chris is a tremendous dork. Dez doesn’t notice because she’s telling the camera that she’s starting to convince herself that she really loves Chris and can’t even remember old ‘What’s his name’ who dumped her 30 hours ago.
Dez and Chris up the fun by jumping into the ocean. I wonder, if either of them got stung by a jellyfish, would ABC show them peeing on each other? It’s not like I want to see that. I wouldn’t even watch if Dez peed on Chris or if Chris peed on Dez. It’s just a hypothetical question.
They’re done playing in the ocean. Keep up! They go back to a hotel suite where there is a ton of paper. Chris proposes a toast and I’m positive he’s about to read a goddamned poem. Some mandolin music kicks in and it’s clear ‘Poem’ time is a coming.
ABC interns have placed candles on a shelf. These candles are underneath wicker baskets. Wicker, I’m pretty sure, is very flammable. I suddenly have hope that their suite could start on fire and all poems could be consumed by the flames. Good job, Bachelorette interns!
Dez sits on the couch and continues to convince herself that Chris isn’t an annoying, poem-reading psychopath. Chris remarks how great they are together. Dez is all, “Oh yeah! I do love you! I can’t even remember being dumped a few seconds ago by that guy who made me cry more than hungry orphans on Christmas.”
Chris asks Dez if she wants him to meet her parents. It reminds me that Dez’s terrible brother hasn’t made an appearance yet. I cheer up a little. Dez agrees to bring Chris and her family together. These lawyers have really done a job on her.
We’re almost to a commercial and Chris pulls a book out of a drawer. Why can’t they treat him like a prisoner on suicide watch and take all of his writing utensils away? It’s a diary. He’s giving Dez a diary. The back of the diary is filled with his poems. Gag. They make out a little. We’re over an hour into, what is supposed to be, slurp-fest 2013 and this is the first slurp. Dez seems happy. Then, she talks to the camera a little and she starts snotting all over again. She says that she doesn’t know what being loved feels like. Dez has never pulled out a stack of singles at a strip club before.
As we head to commercial, ABC shows us the moon. Thanks, ABC!
We’re back to the live studio audience. Harrison is holding a microphone that he isn’t talking into. I panic because it’s clear he’s about to hand that mic to someone. It turns out that ‘someone’ is a bunch of former Bachelor franchise contestants, here to grab more fame. Giant religious Sean and his fiance Catherine announce that they’re still together. It’s a more astounding feat than the sub-4-minute mile.
Sean and Catherine give us their thoughts on Dez’s journey as if we cared at all. There is a ton of talking. ABC is terrible. Now, Dez’s friends are talking. By “friends” I mean “Girls that Dez competed with for Sean, the guy across the room getting married to a different girl”. Keep up!
While these idiots talk, audience members do their duty and nod their heads in agreement with everything being said, even when nothing is said. While a girl named Leslie is talking, my wife says, “She looks like a puma… a pretty puma.”
I need to stop the recap and ask you girls out there, is it okay to have your looks compared to those of a puma if the beholder thinks that you’d be a pretty puma?
We’re back to the recap. Holy cow, keep up! Dez is back on the porch thinking. If she was the President of America, nothing would ever get done. We’d need a presidential thinking porch. Chris arrives at Dez’s hotel to meet her family, including the brother from hell. ABC dresses the evil brother in a striped shirt to make him seem less like a thug. It’s funny seeing a Gap shirt covering up prison tattoos.
The family grills Chris with questions. Chris is clearly intimidated by Dez’s brother, even though he seems to be behaving. They’re all apparently happy with his answers because they nod like crazy.
Evil brother asks Chris if he would get married to Dez if he wins the Game Show. Chris says 100%. As much as I dislike Chris, I admire his ability to stay between 0-and-100%.
Dez’s Dad pulls Chris aside for a talk. Chris is planning on asking Dad for permission to marry Dez. While he’s talking, there’s a bug or a bird making a sound like windshield wipers. What the hell is wrong with the bugs in Antigua? It makes following the dialogue confusing. Plus, the dialogue sucks.
Chris pops the question to Dez’s Dad. There’s some soft piano. While Dad says yes, the piano turns into guitar and we’re rocking out to matrimonial approval.
Dez takes Chris into an Antiguan driveway to make out with him before he leaves. With Chris out of sight, Dez’s brother and his scorched forehead sit down with Dez to talk. Evil brother says nice things about Chris. Then, bro brings up Brooks. Piano guy is back in charge for dramatic ‘Brooks’ music. It’s clear Brooks is not out of the picture yet. It sounds to me like interns need to ready the thinking porch. Dez has got some thinking to do.
This recap is entirely too long and I’m only halfway through. I apologize for that.
Chris gets ready for the final Rose ceremony by standing in a doorway to think while not wearing a shirt. ABC also captures him walking and thinking. Meanwhile, Dez gets changed and thinks. There’s a lot going on.
Chris sits down with the diamond guy for our annual paid programming. We’re treated to some giant diamonds. I wonder if Neil Lane the diamond guy beats his help. I doubt it. I’m sure a guy that rich can hire help to beat his help. He probably has an endless staff of staff beaters.
Chris arrives in a limo. Dez is crying to the camera because she doesn’t know what she’s going to do. I’m guessing, if she dumps Chris, Neil Lane gets his diamond back.
Chris starts talking and doesn’t seem to stop forever. He cries and proposes marriage. Before he gets down on his knee, Dez interrupts him. She makes sure that he’s cool with how much she was into Brooks. While she’s explaining this, she’s bawling. She says that she was so blind-sided by Brooks dumping her that she didn’t realize how much she loved Chris. That’s a big hairy ball of bull crap!
Dez doesn’t dump Chris. She accepts her 2nd place prize and, much worse, her 2nd place prize accepts being Garfunkel. They cry and make out in mediocrity. ABC smiles because they got their ‘kind of’ happy ending. We still have an hour to go but, this is the worst ending in Bachelor/Bachelorette history.
They play happy music and show the happy moments that Dez and Chris had throughout the season. They omit the part where Dez got dumped by Brooks and cried for an hour and 15 minutes while talking about how she didn’t love “the other two”. They do not omit a Chris poem. I hate this show. I don’t think I’d like to be in the same room with Chris while he watches the season back. That would be… uncomfortable.
The studio audience is thrilled. They clap like they didn’t just watch replacement players win the Division II National Championship. Chris Harrison is happy because he gets paid to do nothing. He says, “How good was that?” He must not have heard me shout, “It was terrible!” because he keeps talking about how good it was.
The final hour is terrible. They interview Desiree. They call her Desiree. I thought she was Dez now.
Dez is really nervous because she has to explain to America how she is faking a relationship with a guy who reads poems. Harrison actually does something by asking her how she got engaged to a guy who she didn’t love 15 minutes before getting engaged. Dez says, “Chris was always there and I was always falling in love with him.” It makes sense. I take back everything I typed about this show.
Harrison says he’s brining Brooks out. Harrison warns Dez how difficult it’s going to be to see Brooks. Harrison does not, however, offer to NOT bring Brooks on the show. Brooks walks out to thunderous applause from women who simultaneously hate him and desire sex with him.
Brooks is already crying before he begins to talk. Dez asks Brooks why he dumped her. He says, “Good question.” They talk and there’s talking. Dez accepts the explanation of the dumping with poise. Everyone laughs, except me. Luckily for Chris, Dez doesn’t straddle Brooks at any point during their talk.
Dez says that she doesn’t regret getting dumped by Brooks. They tell Brooks that Dez chose to get engaged to the guy who reads poems. Brooks congratulates her and the audience claps. Everyone is happy, except for me… and maybe Drew.
Harrison brings Drew out next to make sure we don’t go 8 minutes without someone crying. The audience claps for and swoons over Drew because he’s wearing a suit. He tells America that he’s still in recovery over his Antiguan dumping. Cameras pan to the audience and we see a guy. There’s a guy in the audience!
Drew runs down the details of his dumping. It’s painful. He tells Chris Harrison that he isn’t angry and then thanks Dez for dumping him. Someone wants to be the Bachelor.
Drew almost escapes with dignity but he stops and asks Dez what he could have done to not get dumped. It’s not a good question to ask. He spirals down further by asking more questions about why she liked other guys better. I start to sweat. Drew presses her on when she stop loving him. It’s pathetic. It’s not as pathetic as getting dumped by a man and then getting engaged to a different guy hours after saying you didn’t love him, but it’s pathetic.
Chris comes out to talk about the crap we’ve seen four times. Dez and Chris fake make out to pretend like she loves him. Chris Harrison asks Chris if he trusts the fake love Dez has declared. Despite having seen the episode where Dez snotguns boogers all over Antigua over her love for Brooks, Chris says yes.
I’m really tired. They re-show Chris’s proposal. There’s more talking. Dez is going to move to Seattle to further her lie. Chris reads another horrible poem because God hates me. He screws up while reading his own poem. It makes me think that he doesn’t even write his own poems. ABC probably has the candle interns write them.
Chris Harrison announces that Juan Pablo will be the next Bachelor. The live audience has a collective orgasm. Harrison interviews Juan Pablo and I don’t really understand anything he says. I can just picture ABC executives forcing Juan Pablo to Rosetta Stone. So, next season, we get to look forward to broken English and the exploitation of Juan Pablo’s daughter. It’s sweet. I’m glad Juan Pablo tested well with sample audiences.
While the credits roll, Juan Pablo hugs all 300 audience members.
I don’t have to recap the Bachelor until January. I feel like Andy Dufresne, crawling out of the sewer pipe. There’s an entire NFL season in between me and another Bachelor recap. If you read this recap to the bottom, I’ll buy you ice cream.
Greg Bauch is the author of ‘Frank Dates’ and can’t afford to buy you ice cream so don’t ask.