If you’re reading this, the earth hasn’t exploded. I can’t be sure because I’m two minutes into tonight’s season finale of ‘The Bachelorette’ and ABC is telling us that the earth is going to explode tonight while JoJo is picking a winner to their game show. The music will reach such dramatic levels that the earth’s core will erupt and the tectonic plates will fly apart, hurling us into space before we even find out if JoJo picked Robby or Aaron Rodger’s little brother. Hopefully, that doesn’t happen. If it does, you guys can have all of my stuff.
We get three hours of Bachelorette finale tonight. Three hours! I could eat a taco and create a poop in two and a half hours, but ABC needs three hours for their finale. Two of those hours will just be JoJo crying. I hope Noah is building another ark and rounding up animals because JoJo is going to drown us all with her tears.
To start off, Chris Harrison addresses the live studio audience and tells them that JoJo loves both of her boyfriends. I would hope so. I’m really glad that there’s a live studio audience. This way, we know that this whole thing wasn’t faked like the moon landings.
JoJo and her boyfriends are in Phuket, Thailand. That’s fitting because ABC has been saying “Phuket” for 14 years broadcasting this show. Fist pump!
JoJo gets her family ready to meet Aaron Rodger’s little brother. She is nervous because she feels like Aaron Rodger’s little brother could break her heart. That’s the big problem with love, JoJo. I’d love everyone if there wasn’t a chance they’d break my heart.
JoJo’s family hugs Aaron Rodger’s little brother. He gives the JoJo family funny hats. They put on the funny hats and everyone laughs because it’s super fun. I’m having so much fun. I don’t even want to hammer a couple of nails onto the floor and then fall on them, eyes first.
JoJo’s mom pulls Aaron Rodger’s little brother aside. She makes Aaron Rodger’s little brother promise that he’ll never break JoJo’s heart. Aaron Rodger’s little brother pauses, but makes the promise. I always pause before promising. It’s more dramatic that way.
JoJo’s dad has a mustache. He asks Aaron Rodger’s little brother not to hurt his daughter. Aaron Rodger’s little brother says again that he won’t hurt her. You guys, he totally better not ever hurt JoJo. He promised he wouldn’t. Twice!
Aaron Rodger’s little brother did not ask JoJo’s dad permission to marry JoJo. That’s a huge red flag because he said that he wouldn’t propose to a girl without asking for permission first. You guys, he’s already going against his word! It’s againsty!
Robby gets the next chance to meet JoJo’s family. Robby’s hair is extra combed, so you know he’s serious. Instead of silly hats, Robby gives JoJo’s mom flowers. I’m already bored out of my mind. Where are the funny hats, Robby??!!! What an idiot!
Robby tells the family that he loves JoJo because she has a contagious energy. She must have caught that in the Fantasy Suite.
JoJo’s family loves Robby. JoJo isn’t sure if they love Robby, so she pulls them aside to ask them. The family tells JoJo that they think Robby is nice, but they can tell that JoJo really wants a fun and adventurous guy that hands out funny hats. Robby is the safe bet. JoJo hits on 18.
Robby tells JoJo’s mom that he loves JoJo. He talks for eight minutes about how his love for her is going to grow and stuff. He just won’t stop talking. Next, Robby pulls both parents into a room and asks for their permission to propose to JoJo. Robby even calls her Joelle. I’m like, “Who the hell is Joelle? Does JoJo know about Joelle?”
Anyway, he asks for permission to be engaged to JoJo for a couple of weeks. He promises to protect JoJo. I didn’t even know she was in trouble. JoJo’s dad gives Robby permission to marry JoJo. So, it’s legal now.
JoJo’s dad takes the proposal permission talk to heart. He leaves the room crying. JoJo finds him crying, so she cries. Now, everyone is crying and it’s never going to stop. JoJo’s dad says, “I just want someone to love you.” He makes it sound like JoJo is some sort of defect, wandering the earth while people throw rocks at her for being ugly.
Robby gets in a little van and drives away. JoJo tells the camera that she still doesn’t know what she’s going to do. Well, good news, JoJo, because you still have two hours and forty minutes to figure it out.
JoJo talks to her family about her boyfriends. JoJo’s family likes Robby more because he asked for permission to propose. JoJo asks if Aaron Rodger’s little brother asked for permission to propose. She doesn’t get an answer right away, so she flips out on her mother. Woah, JoJo is freaking out. It’s obvious she wants Aaron Rodger’s little brother to win the game show.
JoJo cries. It gets real boogery. She is upset because Aaron Rodger’s little brother didn’t ask for permission to propose, so she’s not sure if he’ll propose. Basically, she wants to marry Aaron Rodger’s little brother, but also wants to hedge her bets in case he’s not into her. She wants to hold on to Robby, her consolation prize. JoJo should just ask Robby to stick around in case things don’t work out with the other guy. He probably would. He promised he’d protect her, and Robby keeps his promises.
JoJo says that she didn’t want it to be this hard. So, to recap, a woman who has been through all of this before didn’t want the dating of 26 men while cameras broadcast her every move to the world to be hard. You guys didn’t want it to be this hard either, admit it.
Next, JoJo sits on a beach to think. Beaches are great for thinking. There’s a lot of open space and stuff. Plus, sand.
JoJo meets Robby on a street in Phuket. They hug. Keep up!
Robby gives JoJo flowers. This guy loves giving people flowers. They get a motorcycle ride to the beach. Does ABC pay for their flowers and motorcycle rides? Do they pay out of pocket and then expense this stuff? What tax form do you use for Bachelorette flowers? Answer me!
Robby and JoJo take off their clothes and jump into the ocean. It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. They make out while Robby’s voiceover tells us how special JoJo is. He says, “She is a girl that came into my life and took over my world.” That sounds more like a dictator than a girlfriend.
Bachelorette interns set up a nice picnic lunch for the young lovers. Robby and JoJo don’t eat. Robby paints the picture of JoJo and Robby sitting in their future home while their children run around, and dinner is burning in the kitchen because they’re too wrapped up in each other to check on it. So, basically, he’s blaming JoJo for burning dinner. JoJo thinks that the little future dream is sweet. She says, “I trust you so much. It’s overwhelming how much I trust you.” If she’s overwhelmed, I don’t think she knows what trust is. Robby and JoJo make out.
It’s pretty clear at this point that Robby is the safe choice who doesn’t win the game show.
It’s nighttime. Keep up! Robby lights candles in his hotel room. It must be the intern’s night off. JoJo comes into his room so they can make out some more.
Robby wants to make sure that JoJo doesn’t have any doubts with him, and that she knows he’ll be true to her. I think the problem, Robby, is that she DOESN’T have doubts with you. This girl needs doubts. You need to play a little hard to get!
JoJo tells Robby that she feels lucky to have Robby (because it’ll be easy to dump him) and that she trusts him. She says that she never doubts Robby and never thought that she’d meet someone and fall for them without ever having a doubt. She’s going to look really stupid later when she dumps him. At least now America doesn’t have to feel bad for her because she has it coming.
Robby gives JoJo a bunch of pictures of their televised journey. Doesn’t Robby know that their journey has been televised? He doesn’t have to give her pictures, I’m sure she DVR’d this. After they look at the pictures and laugh, JoJo high-fives Robby! If we needed a clearer sign that Robby isn’t the one, that high-five seals it. Show me a woman who has high-fived you, and I will show you a woman who is not into you.
Robby and JoJo make out, even though they just high-fived. There’s a bunch of slurping. ABC has really good microphones. These slurps are right in my ears. I feel like my head is jammed between Robby and JoJo as they make out.
Robby tells the camera that there’s no way JoJo doesn’t love him as much as he loves her. The music says, “JoJo is picking Aaron Rodger’s little brother.” This is what we call foreshadowing. I’m glad I’m not in the room with Robby as he’s watching this back. Awko taco!
As we come back from the commercial, ABC cuts to the live studio audience. Chris Harrison asks if we’re ready to see how this journey ends. I yell out no, but they show us anyway.
Aaron Rodger’s little brother meets JoJo on a pier. They board a pirate ship, or something. Aaron Rodger’s little brother says that this is the most important day they’ve been together. Wow, that’s huge. He had to choose among, like, eight days to find the most important one. That clearly says a lot about this day. I’m going to pay closer attention to this boat date.
They make out for three minutes. I can’t believe you read down this far. After their super important make-out session, JoJo and Aaron Rodger’s little brother leave their boat and jump into a canoe. This is counter-productive. They paddle into a lagoon, or something. I’m not an expert on Thailand. Are there lagoons there? Wait, there’s no time to answer that because JoJo and Aaron Rodger’s little brother are both taking off their clothes to drink giant cups of alcohol in their lagoon.
JoJo asks Aaron Rodger’s little brother how his talk with her dad went. She does a good job of not jumping up and screaming, “Why didn’t you ask my dad for permission to propose??!” Aaron Rodger’s little brother actually brings up the topic. He says that he wanted to ask for permission, but didn’t. JoJo says that she was disappointed he didn’t ask. This is how normal couples talk.
Aaron Rodger’s little brother tries to explain, but JoJo interrupts him. She’s frustrated because she wants the bad one but she isn’t sure if the bad one wants her. That sound you hear is all of the good guys in the world shaking their head at the same time.
Aaron Rodger’s little brother says that this whole journey means so much to him that he didn’t’ feel comfortable asking JoJo’s dad for permission because her dad doesn’t know him well enough. He says that he probably would ask if JoJo only had one boyfriend instead of two. See kids, that’s why you shouldn’t date a bunch of guys at once.
Aaron Rodger’s little brother says that he knows that he wants to marry JoJo, but JoJo is still super confused. She tells the camera, “I don’t know what I need to feel safe.” I yell out, “You need Robby!” but the show is taped and JoJo is in Thailand, so she can’t hear me. It’s been an hour and JoJo is more confused now than she was before the show began. How is she going to pull this together in just two hours?
It’s later in the night. ABC shows us the moon. Keep up! JoJo arrives at Aaron Rodger’s little brother’s hotel room and tells him that they have a lot to talk about. I sigh because I’m going to have to listen to all of the things that they need to talk about. They talk about the stuff. We listen.
JoJo asks Aaron Rodger’s little brother if he knows how important it is that he ask her father for permission to propose to her. She says it sucks that he didn’t and that they’ll never have that back. Wait, why couldn’t he ask him for permission now? Did JoJo’s dad die? Will ABC not let Aaron Rodger’s little brother walk over to the JoJo family bungalow and ask for permission? This show is stupid.
Aaron Rodger’s little brother tries to tell JoJo again that he really does love her. She’s still not buying it. This girl better either start buying it or move on to Robby quick because I can’t take this crap any longer. I’m going to hurl a brick at my TV. Thanks goodness for Consumer’s beer.
Aaron Rodger’s little brother tells JoJo that he’s only going to get down on one knee once in his life. I’ll bet, to him, getting down on one knee to propose is like getting down on one knee to run the clock out on a big football game win. Sports quota filled.
He says that he knows that he loves JoJo and that he doesn’t have a doubt. He better not have doubts because he promised, PROMISED that he’d never hurt JoJo. You guys heard him promise. We’re all on blast to make sure that Aaron Rodger’s little brother never hurts JoJo. I’ll need you all to be on alert.
Chris Harrison teases that they’re going to talk to Aaron Rodger’s little brother about his feud with his brother, Aaron Rodgers. As he references this, they show a woman in the studio audience wearing a cheesehead. I want the world to end.
Next, we get a fourteen minute diamond commercial. Robby gets out of the shower and fixes his hair. Cameras capture every moment. Then, he leaves his hotel and meets up with diamond whore Neil Lane. Robby picks out a ring that he’ll never use because he’s safe. When it comes to elevators, women like safe. Apparently, when it comes to men, women want to fall down an open shaft, screaming.
Before he goes to meet the diamond whore, Aaron Rodger’s little brother picks up his cell phone and calls JoJo’s parents. He puts them on speaker phone to do so, which I think is rude. JoJo’s parents give Aaron Rodger’s little brother permission to be engaged to their daughter for three weeks, even though he didn’t bother spending ten minutes to ask in person.
Aaron Rodger’s little brother has his own diamond commercial. He picks a big ring. It’s almost half as big as his brother’s Super Bowl ring.
After the garbage diamond ring commercials, we watch JoJo hang out in her hotel room to think about her boyfriends. As she’s thinking, there’s a knock on her hotel room door. She must have ordered a pizza. Wait, it’s a note from Aaron Rodger’s little brother. He tells her sweet things and announces that he asked her parents for permission. As JoJo reads the note, ABC shows us footage of Aaron Rodger’s little brother getting dressed and combing his hair, so we know it’s all real.
JoJo bawls her eyes out because she’s super happy that Aaron Rodger’s little brothers really wants to marry her. She gets boogers all over her face. There are eleven guys in the room holding cameras and none of them give JoJo a tissue.
Next, JoJo reads a note from Robby, reassuring his love. Again with the reassurance! JoJo cries over Robby’s note, but it’s not the same level of crying. This is pity crying. She cried way harder for Aaron Rodger’s little brother’s note. Robby is the runner up.
JoJo goes to the ocean to wait to dump one of her boyfriends and get engaged to the other. If you’re new to this terrible show, this stuff always happens by the ocean. You can’t get engaged unless the ocean is right there. Let this be a lesson to you kids at home, if a boy proposes to you and you’re not near the ocean, punch him in the face and run.
She says that her heart is exploding in her chest. That explains why her chest is so big. Her insides are pushing the boob parts out. It’s a good look for her. Good thing she never wears clothing that covers her chest. It would be uncomfortable.
We’re almost to the dumping part. Chris Harrison again gets the live studio audience to clap. They clap. He points out that the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders are there and the entire country says, “Why?” He then gives us permission to see who wins the game show.
JoJo walks up to the ocean while her voiceover tells us how hard it’s going to be to dump her boyfriend. She’s already crying and the boyfriend she’s going to dump hasn’t even arrived yet. JoJo says, “I don’t want him to feel an ounce of pain.” She probably shouldn’t have dated him while dating another guy, then.
The dumpee limo pulls up. Robby gets out first. Boom. Goodbye, Robby.
He walks up to JoJo with a huge smile on his face. She has less of a smile because she’s about to dump him. It’s clear that she was crying four seconds ago. Robby starts talking and JoJo doesn’t stop him because she’s a jerk. He continues to pour his heart out and tell her how crazy he is for her, and she doesn’t stop him. JoJo said that she didn’t want to hurt Robby, but he’s going to be in some pain watching this back.
After a solid two minutes of Robby speech, JoJo finally stops Robby. She cries, because that’s the smart thing to do. She says that she wanted it to be Robby and she fell in love with Robby, but her heart is somewhere else. How could she fall in love with Robby if her heart was somewhere else? I don’t think JoJo knows what love is.
Robby asks JoJo why she didn’t pick him. He cries and says that he only wanted her to be happy. That’s what the safe option would say. Robby is sad but says, “As long as you’re happy.” Wow! This guy reeeallly wants to be the next Bachelor. He’s taking this too well.
Robby walks away while JoJo chases after him, crying. She keeps apologizing and doesn’t want Robby to feel bad. Maybe, and this is just a shot in the dark, she shouldn’t have dumped him? I don’t know. I’ve never been on TV.
Robby gets in his dump limo. That’s when the real crying begins. JoJo’s insides turn to snot and it all pours out of her nose. There is so much snot. At least they gave her a tissue. JoJo tells the camera that her heart is broken. That doesn’t make sense. To recap, JoJo gave her heart to Robby, but it’s in a different place, and now it’s broken. This girl needs to take better care of her heart. Maybe she should hire that Casey guy to guard and protect her heart.
When the dumping is done, ABC cuts to a stunned live studio audience. They’re all sorts of stunned and silent. It’s just twenty seconds of silence. It’s my favorite part of the show.
With the dumping out of the way, JoJo is ready to get engaged. The music is now super happy as Aaron Rodger’s little brother pulls up in his limo. She tells the camera she’s ready, like, eight times, in case we weren’t comprehending that she was ready. I guess JoJo is ready.
Chris Harrison meets Aaron Rodger’s little brother, shakes his hand, and points him toward JoJo. It’s a great job by Chris Harrison. Aaron Rodger’s little brother would have never been able to find her if it wasn’t for Chris Harrison.
When Aaron Rodger’s little brother walks up, JoJo is much happier. Aaron Rodger’s little brother goes right into his speech about how JoJo challenges him to be a better person. Maybe he’ll be a better quarterback too! He says that he’ll keep JoJo safe and protect her. So far, so good, you guys. He’s keeping his promise.
JoJo listens to the speech and then tells Aaron Rodger’s little brother that she loves him. She’s super happy. The music is very happy. Guys, I might be happy. Aaron Rodger’s little brother gets down on one knee and proposes to JoJo. She says yes. They say the word love four thousand times. They won’t stop saying that they love each other. I’m so sick of the word “love.” I’ll never say it again. There’s no way that this relationship will last a week. They have to already be sick of each other.
It’s over. Aaron Rodger’s little brother won the game show, and JoJo’s love. Too bad he’ll never win his brother’s love. That was mean. I take it back.
Speaking of that, there’s still an hour to go! Chris Harrison re-welcomes us so we can re-watch what we just saw a hundred times. If you don’t watch something a hundred times, it never happens. Chris Harrison says that there are a lot of unanswered questions. Hopefully, they can answer all of them in an hour. I pray to God they will!
The ‘After the Final Rose’ hour begins with Robby. Fresh off being dumped, he comes out and sits on the hot seat. Chris Harrison asks, “How are you doing?” Wow, Chris Harrison is the best interviewer. Robby says that he was shocked and disappointed. That’s how I always feel about everything.
Robby was super confident going into his dumping. He says that he doesn’t regret how it turned out. That doesn’t make a ton of sense. I’d regret being dumped on national television. Me and Robby are different.
Robby says that he first had doubts in Uruguay because he didn’t get a 1-on-1 date. Doubts always begin in Uruguay. Everyone knows that.
Chris Harrison asks Robby if he’s still in love with JoJo. Robby says that JoJo is special and taught him what type of woman he deserves. He says that he respects JoJo. He doesn’t say that he still loves her. I bet he’s just keeping his options open in case he gets to be the Bachelor. It’s a smart move. It’s the first smart thing Robby has done tonight.
JoJo comes out next so Robby can confront her for the first time since being dumped. They hug. We watch it. JoJo is wearing a dress that covers half of her chest. Now that she’s engaged, she’s so reserved!
Robby wants to know if, now that she’s had time to think about it, why her love for Aaron Rodger’s little brother was greater for the love she felt for him. JoJo says that she loved Aaron Rodger’s little brother more. She had fairy tale love for Aaron Rodger’s little brother. She just had, like, documentary love for Robby.
Chris Harrison interrupts and asks if it was the physical part of the relationship that fell short. That really happened. Basically, Harrison wants to know if all of Robby’s parts are working.
JoJo says that she just realized that she didn’t love Robby enough. Robby is kind of crying. He asks JoJo if she ever thinks about what would happen if he won the game show. She says no. Robby says again that he just wants JoJo to be happy. I really hope he’s not the next Bachelor. This guy will get eaten alive.
Next, things get super happy because the dumped guy is gone. JoJo talks about how tough it is to dump a guy on TV. I had totally planned on dumping a bunch of guys on TV, but after listening to JoJo talk about how tough it is, I’m not going to.
Chris Harrison asks JoJo who should be the next Bachelorette. While she’s answering, Chad jumps up from the studio audience and says that his mom died and he was a marine, so he should be the next Bachelor. The studio audience does not agree. The whole bit is really just a promo for Bachelor in Paradise, which I’m not watching. I repeat, I will not watch or recap Bachelor in Paradise. Please leave me alone.
JoJo talks more about her journey. I haven’t been this sick of a journey since reading about Lewis and Clark in 4th grade. She keeps talking. It never ends. We’re hearing so much but learning so little. The season is almost over. We’re so close, but JoJo won’t stop talking. This is like the time my parents took us to Disney World, but we accidentally locked the keys in the car and had to wait for AAA in the parking lot for an hour before going inside the park. Torture.
ABC brings out, FOR THE FIRST TIME AS A COUPLE, JoJo and Aaron Rodger’s little brother. The audience goes berserk. It’s official; America loves JoJo and Aaron Rodger’s little brother, probably. I’m not sure. It’s hard to tell if the studio audience is loud, or if they just sound loud because the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders are helping them sound loud. Damn those cheerleaders!
Aaron Rodger’s little brother also talks about the journey. I thought I knew everything about the journey, but he had more to add. I’m grateful for his insight on the journey.
JoJo admits that their relationship has been difficult, but the hard times have made their love stronger. It’s kind of like they had Tommy John surgery for their love. It’s hard, because you have to shut down your season, but your throwing arm is better later. See, kids, love is exactly like Tommy John surgery.
Chris Harrison asks about the terrible tabloids saying mean things. ABC puts some of the magazines up the on the big screen behind JoJo to make sure she knows what he’s talking about. Chris Harrison is her friend!
The magazine says that JoJo fell for a fraud. It hurts JoJo’s feelings. JoJo looks sad. Luckily, Aaron Rodger’s little brother says that their love is stronger than the nasty rumors. JoJo smiles. You guys, he totally protected JoJo and didn’t hurt her! He’s doing it!
Chris Harrison shows the new magazine with a nice headline. Everything is happy. Nothing will ever go wrong! I’m so happy, I might throw up. You guys are happy too, admit it!
Aaron Rodger’s little brother and JoJo talk about their future. There’s just so much talking. Aaron Rodger’s little brother says that he is moving to Dallas with JoJo and they’re “throwing around some dates” for the wedding. That really sounds like someone who’s ready to get married.
After teasing it for two and a half hours, Chris Harrison asks about his brother, Aaron Rodgers, and whether or not that relationship has been reconciled. Aaron Rodger’s little brother says no. So, there’s your update. There is absolutely no information on the topic. None. The only interesting thing about the entire season gets three seconds of air time.
There’s still more talking. It keeps happening. Chris Harrison says that he has a big surprise for JoJo and Aaron Rodger’s little brother. I know this to be a lie, so I’m not excited. It’s a trip to a resort. They’ve already given these people eight trips to resorts! Where’s my trip?
Next, ABC makes us watch a seven-minute preview of Bachelor in Paradise. ABC does that thing where they make it look like Chad murders four hundred people, but Chad doesn’t murder anyone. Nothing happens. I’d like to take this time to remind you that I’m not recapping it. I wouldn’t do so for all of the money in the world. I’d do it for a trip to a resort. The ball’s in your court, ABC.
The season is over. We’ve cried. We’ve laughed, once. We listened to a woman slurp and snot a bunch. If I could do it all over, I’d step in front of a bus.