Andi Dorfman is finally going to find love. No one said it could be done. Including me. Tonight, we witness the epic final battle between Nick V. and Josh. I wonder if, hundreds of years from now, drunk guys will get together to reenact the battle between Josh the baseball player and Nick V. like some guys do now with the Civil War. Will they dress time-specific with scarves and pink shorts? Will there ever be a president Nick V? Will the History Channel produce a 6-part series about tonight’s finale, narrated by Charles Kuralt?
These and many other questions will never be answered because they are dumb.
Andi and her boyfriends and a bunch of camera guys, some interns, Clare’s dad and Chris Harrison are in the Dominican Republic which, we can all agree, is the perfect place to fall in love.
Update on our Bachelorette Fantasy League: the 17 people who were in line to tie for the title submitted a tie breaker to me by email. They were to guess the number of times Andi says “stop” during the 2-hour finale, before the ‘After the Rose’ crap-thing. The low guess was 2, the high guess was 30. I’ll keep a tally as we go.
Update on ‘Bachelors in Paradise’: I’m going to recap it because my wife told me I have to. Also, I hate every single one of you with great passion.
We begin by previewing the episode to come. There’s a live studio audience of cat owners and past contestants from the show. Chris Harrison says things like, “You won’t believe what’s going to happen.” and “the dramatic ending you won’t see coming.” Unless wolves come out and Andi dominates the pack, takes a mate and joins a wolf pack, I’m quite certain that I’ll believe what’s going to happen. And, unless Andi, Josh and Nick V. tackle Chris Harrison, tie him up and throw him into a volcano, I’ll see the ending coming.
Nick V. and Josh the baseball player will both meet Andi’s family and try to win them over in an hour. I only got 45 minutes with my wife’s family, so it should be a piece of cake.
In her Dominican hotel, Andi stands on a porch and thinks about love. I can’t believe what’s happening. Nick V. walks up for their date. It’s the dramatic beginning I didn’t see coming.
Nick V. is super nervous to meet the family. They notice and judge him. He’s being judged. The music is judgmental. You guys were totally judging him. He’s blowing it. We’re watching him blow his chances.
Just as you thought all hope was lost, Nick V. gushes to Andi’s mom about how much he loves Andi. He says “love” 30 times. Andi’s mom is so overcome with emotion that water comes out of her eyes. I wouldn’t believe that this was going to happen.
Andi tells her family how much she likes Nick. She says, “He sees my soul.” I wouldn’t want someone to see my soul. I’m not even sure I have one. If I do, I’d sell it to get out of ever recapping this show again.
After knowing him for 20 minutes, Nick V. asks Andi’s dad for his daughter’s hand in marriage. It’s dramatic. It’s the dramatic thing I didn’t see coming. Andi’s dad says yes. I feel so relieved, I breathe for the first time since the finale began.
With dad’s permission in his back pocket, Nick the fifth takes Andi into the yard to say goodbye and slurp on her face. It’s slurpy. More points. So far, Andi hasn’t said ‘Stop’.
After the break, we go back to the live studio audience in LA. Keep up! There’s wild cheering. Chris Harrison throws it back to the Dominican for Josh’s family encounter. Keep up!
When Andi tells Andi’s dad that Josh is an athlete, Andi’s dad is super skeptical. The music is skeptically. Nick is nervous because you only get one chance to make a first impression. Andi’s dad thinks it’s funny that Josh is sweaty and nervous. They’re all LOLing. I was LOLing. You guys were too.
Andi talks to her sister about the comparison of Josh to her former boyfriends. Her sister has pretty eyes. I’m sure she’ll be the Bachelorette next. Andi’s dad grills Josh about being a jock. Andi’s dad doesn’t believe in buttoning his shirts up. Andi’s dad and Josh have a lot in common. Josh professes his love and assures Andi’s dad that he feels a forever love and that he’ll be able to love Andi in a Target checkout aisle while their kids are screaming and their water heater is broken. Andi’s dad gives Josh his blessing. So, in the course of a year, he’s given his daughter away to Nick V., Josh and Juan Pablo. Good job, dad!
When dad is done with blessing giving, Andi and Josh make out in the driveway. It’s, again, slurpy. I don’t believe what just happened.
Josh gets a date next. Andi’s family doesn’t tag along. They go out on a yacht so they can make out and Josh gets 10 more points. Bachelor interns set out limes, snacks and drinks and then run down into the cabin to power the boat. I wonder if the Captain of ship has an emergency procedure in case pirates attack their yacht like in ‘Captain Philips’. Pirates would steal all of the roses.
Josh and Andi hang out on a blanket and slurp more. They talk and there’s talking. For some reason, Andi is not using the word ‘stop’ in any sentences. Andi talks about how much fun she has with Josh, which is pretty amazing because this date is as boring as dirt. I hate watching it. They jump in the water. ABC pays $10,000 just to have a camera in the water to capture the 4-second splash and then the 4-minute ocean make-out session. They snorkel and there’s snorkeling.
After snorkeling, seriously how do you guys read these?
After snorkeling, Andi and Josh talk about serious things because Andi has doubts. The music is doubty. They do that growly low talk. It’s a good thing they’re wearing microphones so we can hear every pointless word. Josh is ready for marriage. Andi admits that she’s afraid their love might be exclusively physical. Josh uses clichés about peaks and valleys to assure her that everything is super on the level. Then, they make out.
Josh made Andi a baseball card, complete with stats on the back. It lists her errors as not being able to dance. Everyone laughs. I laugh. The fun fact says that “Husband Josh can’t imagine his life without her”. He made her name ‘Andi Murray’ on the card, giving Andi his last name without proposing or marrying her first. That’s super awkward and stalkery. That card is going to be really awkward if she doesn’t choose him. Of course, that would make the card worth more. The corners are a little rough, so it would only grade at 9.5. Sports memorabilia quota filled.
Nick V. gets his chance to make a final impression. They jump in a jeep to explore the Dominican Republic. There’s a lot of driving and enjoying each other’s company. There is also super loud calypso music that makes it hard to hear people talk. Someone at ABC is getting lazy with the volume buttons. I’m really tired.
They park their jeep so they can eat mangoes and talk more. Why couldn’t they just talk and eat in their nice jeep? Andi and Nick talk about her family and stuff. I could be working on my basement or doing math right now.
Andi really likes Nick. She says, “When I think about Nick, it makes me feel things very deeply.” You can tell because she’s always standing on balconies and thinking. Andi and Nick V. jump into a lagoon and my wife freaks out because of the potential for Dominican snakes. I reassure her that poor Bachelorette interns have already walked into and canvassed the lagoon for snakes and extracted any poison with their calves.
When they’re done lagooning, they go to a hotel room for an awkward conversation. I don’t know what she sees in Nick V. He can’t even really talk. He toasts, “Here’s to an incredible… nine weeks… to you to being here with you right now… to our last date and… with this whole thing but hopefully not our last thing… to us.” It’s a super romantic toast. Andi says, “You are working that brain, aren’t you.” I throw up in my mouth a little bit.
Nick wants to ask Andi who she’s going to choose. That’s not how this show works, Nick V! You can’t ask the Bachelorette if she likes you! This isn’t like a normal relationship! This is about true love! When true love happens, it only comes from one of the people involved! This show has rules, you know!
Andi does a good job of rambling and not answering his question about whether or not he wins the Game Show. Nick V. says that he can’t wait to go grocery shopping with her. Trust me, Nick V. That is not a good time. Andi asks what a day in Chicago would be like with Nick V. He’s supposed to say that they might end up in Atlanta, but he doesn’t because he’s the guy and the girl has to move to the guy’s city. This show has rules, you know!
Nick V. gives Andi a necklace made from the sand from the first beach they met on, or something. She says “Stop it”, giving us our first ‘stop’ of the finale. By the way, going back to the beach you had a date on and collecting sand for a necklace is not romantic. It’s terrifyingly psychopathic. It would be more romantic to bring a girl a squirrel’s head.
Back at the live studio audience, Chris Harrison asks the cat owners who they think is in the lead for Andi’s love. The cat owners cheer louder for Josh. Josh is gaining momentum. I would have guessed that Nick V. was a shoe-in to win. I still do. THIS IS THE DRAMATIC ENDING I DIDN’T SEE COMING!
We’re only an hour and ten minutes in and Andi is already waking up and talking about her final rose ceremony. We get footage of Andi walking around her hotel and thinking. Nick V will do that to you. We also see Nick V. and Josh wake up and open their window blinds without shirts on. Did cameramen wake them up by throwing rocks at the window, or did they perch silently in their bushes, waiting for the exact moment where they woke up with no shirts on to open the blinds? You guys never answer my questions.
Nick V. sits on a balcony and thinks about love. Josh also stands on a balcony and thinks about love. They both get 10 points for doing that. Nick V. is ready to propose to Andi. Josh is super nervous because he’s going to propose and Andi might say ‘no’. I’m super nervous for both of them. You guys have no idea.
Diamond whore Neil Lane arrives to Josh’s hotel room to get his well deserved 10 minutes of air time. If you don’t know who Neil Lane is, he’s owns a little place that sells jewelry. Times have been rough for Neil so it’s nice that ‘The Bachelorette’ throws him this bone. Maybe he’ll get back on his feet some day.
When it’s time for Nick V. to welcome in Neil Lane, it’s Andi at the door. IT’S THE DRAMATIC ENDING I DIDN’T SEE COMING. Andi is there to dump Nick V. ABC throws it back to the live studio audience to get reaction. Keep up.
Chris Harrison asks some former contestants what they think. Clare gets the first chance to have 30 more seconds on TV. She says that she doesn’t know what’s going to happen, even though we all know, you know? Chris the farmer stands up to talk and all of the cat owners scream. The sound creates a tsunami. Some guy named Drew talks and I don’t know who he is so his opinion is obsolete.
Michelle Money bursts in and asks who the next Bachelor is. The cat owners start chanting ‘Chris’, because they want it to be Chris the farmer so they can have nights away from their cats. Chris Harrison refuses to admit that Chris the farmer is going to be Chris the Bachelor.
We’re back to Nick the Fifth’s hotel room. Keep up! Andi is about to dump him. She dumps him. She says that it’s not right and starts crying. Nick V. starts crying. I hold it together for the sake of the recap.
Nick V. asks Andi when she started feeling this way. It’s a really good question. Andi certainly wasn’t obligated by ABC to lead Nick V. along to this point of the Game Show. Nick V. is super pissed. He calls shenanigans because Andi didn’t act like she didn’t love him when he told her he loved her. Please read back that last sentence and check it for grammar.
We’re 3 minutes into this break-up and I already would rather watch my dog helplessly drown in a swimming pool. It’s so stupid and painful. There’s a reason why people break up in private. We shouldn’t be watching this, you guys.
Nick V. is upset and tells Andi that she took this whole thing too far. He points out that they were in the water and she said things. I’m not following any of this. There is crying. The music is super sad. Nick V. pulls it together and tells Andi that he hopes she’s a million percent sure about dumping him. She says that she is. Really, Andi? A million percent? You’re a million percent sure? Stop it.
Bachelorette interns pack his bags and Nick V. gets into his dump limo. He cries and doesn’t talk for, like, 12 minutes. It’s super awkward. When he finally does talk, I hope for him to stop. Get over it, dude! She dumped you 15 minutes ago! Move on!
Nick the Fifth doesn’t understand why Andi dumped him because the thing they had was really real and for real. I thought it was really real. To be honest, the hardest thing to do in sports is to go wire-to-wire from First Impression Rose to Game Show winner. I don’t even know if that’s been done before. Are you guys still reading this?
When they come back to the live studio audience, there’s stunned silence from the cat owners. I wake my dog up by laughing very loudly.
We go to break and Andi acts like there’s a chance she might not give Josh the baseball player a rose. It’s pretty stupid. I hate when ABC strings us along with fake drama. By the way, did I mention I will be recapping ‘Bachelors in Paradise’?
Josh the baseball player is super excited. Chris Harrison welcomes him with a handshake. ABC put out giant green vases on the porch. They’re bigger than Chris Harrison and Josh the baseball player. I wonder how many vase-related injuries occurred this season.
Josh walks up to Andi on their love pier. Josh gives Andi a speech about his life changing and stuff. It’s the dramatic ending we totally believed and saw coming. Andi is all smiles. The speech is super long. I can’t believe he memorized the entire thing. I can’t believe Andi stayed awake through the entire thing.
Andi seems happy. Then, the music changes. Andi starts talking. She’s dumping Josh the baseball player. We’re watching two dumpings. Josh is scared! I’m scared! The music is scary! Wait, it’s a goof. Andi loves Josh. She’s madly in love with him. It was totally a goof. You guys totally fell for it. Those knuckleheads at ABC totally goofed you. You guys are goofs.
Josh proposes to Andi Dorfman, crippling the value of her baseball trading card. She’ll be Andi Murray now, unless they never get married because they’ll be in Target buying toilet paper instead of on a yacht eating grapes.
Andi and Josh make out a bunch. I can’t even hear what’s being said, which is good. They’re all happy. Andi gives Josh a rose and he takes it. He wins the game show. They’re disgusting together. I seriously can’t even keep up with how many times they slurp each other’s face. I’m really not feeling well.
They watch the sunset and say, “I love you” six million times. I’ve learned one thing tonight, you guys. Love is totally possible.
Andi only said ‘stop’ once. Gina J. won the first ever Bachelor/ Bachelorette Fantasy League. Congratulations to Gina. We will have another League in the fall, unless I’m shot by a guy robbing a convenience store or something.
Our journey isn’t over. We get the bullcrap ‘After the Final Rose’ special. Nick V. needs closure and he’s out to get it. Andi wouldn’t talk to him after dumping him. Typical girl!
Nck V. goes into a grocery store with all of his heartbreak. Cameras are there to capture it, so you can see the heart break… and the groceries.
They drag out Nick V’s mom so she can cry. She could have stopped her son from going on TV to find a wife, but parenting is mostly hindsight.
They show Nick V. arrive in LA to confront Chris Harrison. ABC has gotten really good at filming people’s feet as they step out of cars. I’ll bet there’s a class in broadcast schools where you specifically learn to film feet as they get out of cars.
Chris Harrison finds out that Nick V. is still in love and agrees to go talk to Andi for him. Andi isn’t keen on the idea of seeing Nick V. He’s old news. I yell that out in my living room. I yell, “He’s old news, Andi!” No one listens to me.
Nick V. gives Chris Harrison a letter to give to Andi. All of the sudden, Chris Harrison is UPS or something. That’s a lot to ask of Chris Harrison. It’s not like Nick V. asked Chris Harrison to tell him how many roses were left in a pile. He’d be able to easily do that. Letter delivery, though… I don’t know, you guys.
Andi must confront Nick V. in front of the live studio audience. There’s still, like 50 minutes left. I’m so tired of this. Chris Harrison asks a lot of stupid questions we already know the answer to. Nick V. tries to stumble through the answers while crying. This is some awkward live television. Luckily for me, I’m completely emotionally disconnected from everything in the world from watching this show for so long.
Next, they bring out Andi for closure. It’s closurey. Andi comes out. Nick V. asks her why she dumped him. She already told him this in the Dominican. Didn’t she already tell him why she dumped him? Was he not listening? It’s a good thing she dumped him because he doesn’t listen. Anyways, Andi’s not talking. She’s just nodding. This segment is torture.
Eventually, they talk. There’s talking. We watch it happen. Cat owners nod their approval and disapproval. Chris Harrison interrupts by asking, “Did you love Nick or parts of Nick?” He really asked her that. He said “parts”. Andi admits that she did love parts of Nick. She doesn’t specify which parts.
Nick V. asks Andi why she made love with him. I’m all like Woah. It’s the dramatic ending I didn’t see coming! Andi is totally caught off guard and calls that statement “below the belt”. This show has no rules. I guess we now know which “part” Andi loved.
Nick V. drags Andi through the mud for her shag-and-dump move. She’s super defensive. He felt like their sex thing made them engaged. It’s getting super confronty in here. It’s hard to tell for sure without dramatic music. Just when it’s getting good, Chris Harrison interrupts and sends it to commercial. I hate Chris Harrison.
To make me angrier, Chris Harrison shows us footage of the worst thing ever. It’s ‘Bachelors in Paradise’ and I’m going to recap it to make up for the terrible things I’ve done in this life and past lives. All of your favorite hookers are back. Marcus, Brooks, the woman with 1 and ¾ arms, Clare, Clare’s dad, Michelle Money who won’t go away, Chris the angry guy, Marquel and more people. There will be ambulances and blood. That makes me feel a little better.
I hope this trend of the Wendy’s chick singing during their commercials ends soon.
Next, we bring out Josh so he can react to just finding out that his fiancé slept with the Game Show runner-up. I’m sure he’s thrilled about that information. Andi and Josh are super happy and still super engaged. We all bask in their love. It’s basky. So, I’ll totally be able to sleep tonight because Andi found love. I can’t wait to continue to follow their six-month journey through supermarket tabloid covers and emails that people, for some reason, send me as soon as something happens with anyone who has ever been involved with this show.
To end, Chris Harrison brings out Grumpy Cat so Andi and Grumpy Cat can frown together. We’ve come so far. I get all emotional just thinking about how much we’ve all grown. You’ve totally grown, you guys.
Thank you for reading down this far, and for reading recaps of the worst show on television. It’s worse than the 1974-75 Washington Capitals. Sports quota filled.