It’s the finale of ‘The Bachelorette’ and Rachel Lindsay is on the brink of finding true love. Someone at work asked me “who is going to win tonight?” That’s like…

It’s the finale of ‘The Bachelorette’ and Rachel Lindsay is on the brink of finding true love. Someone at work asked me “who is going to win tonight?” That’s like watching two guys fight over a live hand grenade; no matter who comes out on top, there are no winners. Three men remain. This finale is sure to have all of the excitement of a gall bladder removal operation. There will be tears. There will be talking. There will be fake Chris Harrison concern. There will be drama. There will be things kept real. And, ultimately, there will be anger from your recapper. It’s the ending of something truly terrible and annoying. It’s ‘The Bachelorette’.

We begin with 4 minutes of footage of stuff we’ve already seen, followed by a 4-minute preview of stuff we’re about to see. All the Bachelorette does is show us stuff we’ve seen and stuff we’re about to see. This show somehow defies the laws of physics by showing nothing in real time.

Next, Chris Harrison walks out onto a stage in front of screaming cat owners. I think it’s the same cat owners as last week. They hung around the studio all week making new custom t-shirts that say things like “Cray-chel for Rachel” and “Lindsanity!” and “I have cat named Moana.” Maybe four people get that reference.

This year, there’s a super interesting twist to the finale. It’s OMG super exciting. Rachel Lindsay is joining Chris Harrison on the set, in front of the live studio audience, to give commentary on the finale as it happens. So, I’m going to recap Rachel’s recapping. It’s going to be double recappy. Keep up!

Chris Harrison announces that former Bachelor Juan Pablo is married. I throw a can of beer across the room because I can’t process the enormity of this discovery. The audience kind of claps. Ess okay.

Next, the actual show. Rachel sits with Peter. They talk. Keep up. Rachel starts to cry because she’s trying to decide who to dump among Peter, Brian and Eric. ABC is playing soft “Rachel has to decide who to dump” music. It’s the soundtrack of my life.

Peter tells Rachel how much he cares about her and, before he even finds out if he’s going home, he thanks Rachel for allowing him to go on this journey. Rachel cries. She isn’t sure if Peter is ready for marriage because Peter has stated several times, out loud, that he’s not ready for marriage. She’s so perceptive!

Rachel decides that they need more time so she gives Peter the sex invitation from Chris Harrison. Peter accepts the invitation from Chris Harrison to have sex with Rachel. ABC plays romantic “Peter and Rachel are going to bang” music. I start to tear up. It’s just to magical. I make a note to remember to forge a fake Chris Harrison sex invitation to give to my wife. It works for these guys.

It’s the next day. Keep up. Rachel and Peter are in the kitchen making breakfast. Peter isn’t wearing a shirt. He has what looks like a Captain Planet tattoo on his arm. I hope it’s a Captain Planet tattoo. After talking about nothing, Peter leaves so that Rachel can get ready to have sex with her third and final boyfriend. This girl is on a schedule.

Bryan is next to show up. I wonder if he can smell Peter. Rachel meets him in a vineyard. These people are always meeting in vineyards. Hasn’t ABC ever heard of a coffee shop or an OTB? Vineyards are boring.

Bryan and Rachel ride horses through the vineyard. I’m sure that’s romantic and stuff, but it’s just about the most boring thing in the world to watch. If one of these horses doesn’t lose its shit and buck one of them off, I’m going to fall asleep.

The horses behave. Bryan and Rachel park the horses and get off to not eat food. Bachelorette interns have set out blankets for them to lie on. I’m sure ABC didn’t even give the interns horses. They probably had to walk with their legs. These poor interns.

Bryan confuses Rachel. He says that he’s ready to marry a girl he just met a couple months ago. Some guys suck at being mysterious. Even though Bryan is keeping it 100, Rachel is concerned because she’s thinking about shirtless Peter and his Peterness. She’s finding it hard to focus on Bryan with shirtless Peter on her mind. You can judge her, but her struggle is real. Go ahead and close your eyes and try to focus on Bryan while you’re thinking of shirtless Peter. You can’t do it! Don’t judge Rachel until you can shut out shirtless Peter yourself, jerks! You guys are jerks.

Bryan and Rachel go somewhere else to not eat more food. It’s indoors. The interns have lit several hundred candles to set the mood. How did I ever get married without lighting tons of candles? It’s incredible, in hindsight.

Bryan tries to smooth things over with Rachel. It’s smooth-overy. Bryan can tell she’s thinking about shirtless Peter. He asks her what’s wrong. She says nothing. She tries hard to focus on Bryan. It works! She super focused now. All she’s seeing is Bryan and his shirt. ABC plays happy “Rachel’s done thinking of shirtless Peter” music. I breathe a huge shy of relief because that was a close one.

With that hurdle out of the way, Bryan reads the invitation from Chris Harrison to have sex with Rachel. He accepts the sex invitation. Up to this point, Bryan has only tasted Rachel. Now, he’s ready to have the whole kitchen. That’s a metaphor for her genitalia.

Bryan tells Rachel that he loves her and that he’ll be with her forever. That’s a stupid thing to say. She still has two other boyfriends. At best, his chances are 33%. Why would you make such a stupid prediction? Bryan and Rachel have sex.

We’re back to the live studio part. Chris Harrison and Rachel talk about the stuff we just watched. They must have forgotten that we just watched it and we don’t need a recap. They’re stupid.

Now we’re back to Bryan and Rachel’s date. Keep up. Now Bryan isn’t wearing a shirt. How the hell are we going to be able to get TWO shirtless guys off our mind? I might have to call in to work tomorrow. Rachel slurps Bryan’s face and sends him on his way. Rachel is efficient. I’m going to go on LinkedIn and endorse Rachel for efficiency.

Rachel goes outside to think. I only know this because ABC shows her walking through the vineyard while thinking. She’s thinking so hard. It’s incredibly thinky. This girl thinks like a champ. She looks down and thinks. Then, she looks past some trees to think. I’ve never thought this hard. She’s got to be using at least 60% of her brain with all that thinking.

Protecting her heart and her arms

The three men arrive to the rose ceremony. One of them will be dumped. I’m assuming it will be the one who was worst at sex-having. Rachel addresses her boyfriends. She’s wearing a really ugly dress. It looks like someone went off with a be-dazzler and covered her arms with fake plastic jewelry. I have no idea what’s going on with this dress. The only explanation I can think of is, Rachel is concerned that someone might swing a sword at her, so she’s protecting her arms.

Bryan gets a rose. The music is intense. I throw up a couple of times. Next, Rachel gives a rose to Peter. Eric is dumped. It’s because he kept his shirt on.

Rachel walks Eric to his dump limo. First, they sit down to talk. As they talk, one thousand birds scream from the tree above them. ABC needs to do a better job of finding birdless conversation locations. Amateurs.

Eric takes the dumping well. He tells Rachel that he’ll always love her and thanks her for dumping him. It’s the mature thing to do. Let this be a lesson to you kids at home. If you’re ever dumped, always make sure you thank the person who dumped you. Otherwise, you’re an idiot.

Next, ABC goes back to the studio so that Eric can confront Rachel in real time. It’s confronty. I get nervous because anything can happen. What if Eric is mad? Rachel is no longer wearing her arm armor! Her arms are completely exposed. What if Eric brings a sword?

Eric has a beard. My wife says that she likes him with a beard. I make a mental note to make sure we never hang around guys with beards because I can’t grow one.

Eric talks about how hard it is to be dumped on television. He says that it sucks. You only get crucial life lessons like this from my recap. Remember that. All of this interview stuff is stupid, and I know what ABC is doing. They’re trying to torture America. People usually only watch until 10 o’clock to find out who won, then they turn off the stupid extra hour of pointless crap. ABC is terrible. Villains gotta vil.

Eric says that he fell in love with Rachel. It was his first time falling in love. He’s ready to always fall in love a bunch of times now because he learned how to do it. Basically Rachel took off his ‘love’ training wheels and he can fall in love all over the neighborhood. Eric is all grown up.

It’s the next part. Rachel has two boyfriends left. We watch her walk around a field while thinking. It’s even more intense than her vineyard thinking. Who thinks this much? We get several angles of her thinking and one thing is very clear. She’s thinking. She’s also wearing a jacket that makes it looks like she’s one of those guys who guards Darth Vader.

Bryan meets Rachel in her thinking field. I’m told they’re in Spain. I can’t confirm because I’ve never been there. We’re just going to have to trust ABC on this one. They get into a hot air balloon. I haven’t seen this much hot air since Bachelor Jake Pevelka! You guys are so lucky I write these. You’re welcome.

Rachel and Bryan make out in their hot air balloon. That’s probably super comfortable for the guy flying the thing. He’s just trying to make a living, flying his balloon, and now he’s crammed up in the air with Rachel, Bryan, two camera guys, some interns and a producer in this little hot air balloon basket. If I were the balloon pilot, I’d jump out and let them float up into the stratosphere to die. He probably had to sign a waiver promising he wouldn’t do that.

It’s later in the day. Bryan and Rachel crawl into a bed somewhere. I think they’re still in Spain. Bryan gives Rachel a custom English-to-Spanish dictionary. The dictionary only has words that pertain to their stupid relationship; things like “husband” and “love.” If I were to make my wife a custom English-to-Spanish dictionary, it would only have words like “penis” and “dinner.” Bryan and Rachel make out some more and we’re forced to watch it and I’ll never be happy.

It’s the next day. Peter meets Rachel in another field. All Spain is is fields. “Spain” must be Spanish for “fields.” I bet it is. I’d ask you guys, but no one is reading this.

Peter and Rachel go to a church. I should point out that the church is in a field. A priest comes out to talk with Peter and Rachel. This is something you should always do with a guy when you’re trying to decide whether or not to dump him. Priests are great at helping with relationships, especially since they have absolutely no experience with them. The priests wishes Rachel and Peter well. I can’t tell from looking at him, but it seemed like the priest was having trouble not thinking about shirtless Peter. He’s only human.

Rachel and Peter go outside. Why do you read these? What is wrong with you? I can’t believe you have nothing better to do? Are trapped under a rock? Did a printed-out version of this recap somehow blow to your outstretched hand as you were trapped under this rock, and the only thing you can do to keep sane is to read it? If so, I’m so sorry I can’t make it more interesting. I’m only telling you what happened on this stupid show. I can’t control the content. Don’t shoot the recapper.

Anyway, Rachel and Peter are still talking. Peter cares about Rachel, but he’s still not telling her that he’s ready to get married. What a jerk. Rachel cries because she wants him to want to marry her now. She’s had a taste, now she wants the whole kitchen. Rachel can’t be mad at Peter because he’s keeping it real. He’s a real keeper, and Rachel likes real to be kept. If anyone knows anything about things being kept real, it’s Rachel. She’s the Jimmie Johnson of keeping things real. Sports quota filled. You guys, that was a call back! I’m so good at writing stuff.

It’s later in the date. Peter sits down with Rachel and admits that he’s in love with her. He says that his feelings are recent. He’s just recently fallen in love with Rachel. You can still detect the “new love” smell. Peter says that, even though he’s in love, he’s not ready to ask Rachel to marry her tomorrow. Peter, again, keeps it real.

Rachel is frustrated because she wants to pick out dinnerware and bedding with Peter now. She doesn’t want to not get engaged at the end of the game show. What’s the point of being on a game show if you can’t get engaged at the end?

Peter apologizes for not falling in love fast enough. I laugh because that’s the funniest thing I’ve heard in my entire life. Rachel doesn’t think it’s possible that you can fall in love with someone and not be ready to immediately marry them. This show is so stupid. Honestly, if you asked an 8-year old to write a love story, this is probably what they would come up with. I hate it.

Rachel basically gives Peter an ultimatum, propose to me or lose me. She tries to act like that’s not what she’s saying, but that’s what she’s saying. Peter decides that he’ll propose to Rachel to prove that he loves her, even though he doesn’t want to do it. Rachel tells him not to propose to him. Wait, now she DOESN’T want a proposal? Make up your mind, girl! Rachel isn’t keeping it real. She’s keeping it unreal.

Rachel and Peter agree to disagree. They get up to leave without eating their dessert. I hope some starving kids are watching. Rachel and Peter slurp faces for the final time. Wait, they broke up? I think they just broke up. I’m not sure. Luckily, it doesn’t matter.

We’re back to the studio. Keep up. Chris Harrison asks Rachel what’s she’s thinking. Jesus Christ, all we ever do is watch this woman think or listen to her talk about what she’s thinking. If Rachel ever thinks about talking about what she’s thinking, the earth will explode.

Chris Harrison confirms that Rachel has indeed broken up with Peter. So, Bryan wins? I’m confused. ABC needs to film me walking through a vineyard and thinking. I’ve got tons of thinking to do.

Peter joins Rachel and Chris Harrison on stage to talk about the break-up. So, there will be more talking. It looks like Peter has been crying. You guys were crying too, admit it.

Peter explains that breaking up with Rachel was tough because he didn’t want to break up with her. I think, and this is just my opinion, but I think he shouldn’t have broken up with her. Rachel still can’t understand why Peter didn’t just propose to her. She also says that they had other issues. As she explains these other issues, it’s clear that the lack of a proposal was the only issue. I don’t think Rachel is keeping it real. I’m mad at her. As Rachel tries to explain why Peter is the one to screw this whole thing up, ABC shows the cat owners in the audience nodding in agreement. The cat owners are also blaming Peter. You would take her side, cat owners!

As Rachel and Peter continue to break up on television, it’s still not announced that Bryan is the winner. There are 30 minutes left in the big finale and Bryan has gotten minimal fanfare. I’m sure he has to be happy about the big victory. It’s obvious Rachel doesn’t like Bryan too much if she’s taking an hour and a half to break up with Peter. Usually, she can’t wait to shove a guy into a limo. Peter was supposed to win the game show.

Peter doesn’t back down. He tells Chris Harrison that, although he’s sad, he wouldn’t change his mind about proposing. Rachel says she appreciates that and wouldn’t try to force him to move too quickly, which isn’t true. She kicked him off the gameshow because he wouldn’t propose. I yell out, “That’s called forcing, Rachel!” but she can’t hear me. She’s in California. She’s so lucky, because I would scold the shit out of her with furious words!

Rachel and Peter conclude their breakup. They wish each other well. Peter tells Chris Harrison that he’ll always love Rachel. He ripped that off of Whitney Houston. Always loving someone is her thing.

It’s Bryan’s turn to do whatever. Who cares at this point? There’s no content left. We watch Rachel do her hair and get her clothes ready to get engaged to her second-best boyfriend. To make sure I hate this show as much as possible, ABC brings out Neil Lane and his blood diamonds.

Next, Rachel walks out in front of some castle. I think they’re still in Spain. Bryan drives up to the castle to receive the second-place prize of marrying Rachel.  He begins to give a speech, but we only hear wind because ABC doesn’t know how to read a weather forecast. Bryan may have given the most romantic speech of all time, but we’ll never know it. It was all wind. Dorthy flew by in a house as Bryan talked.

Luckily, Rachel heard the speech. She gives a long, wind-filled speech about how much she loves Bryan, even though she really loves Peter. Rachel lies to Bryan about loving him and they make out. You can’t even hear the slurps over the wind.

Bryan gets down on one knee and proposes. See, was that so hard, Peter? You could’ve won if you just acted like you loved her! Rachel accepts Bryan’s proposal while thinking about shirtless Peter. You guys were still thinking of shirtless Peter too, admit it. Ultimately, Rachel wanted an engagement ring more than she wanted love. The woman who taught me to keep it real, failed to keep it real. This is like when Daniel son found Miyagi drunk.

We’re back to the live studio audience. There are only 15 minutes left in this stupid show. I’m so close to the end. It’ll be fun to watch Bryan’s reaction to seeing how much more his fiancé loves Peter. It’ll be awko taco.

Bryan proposes to Rachel a second time. It’s just as pointless as the first time. This time, there’s less wind. I’ve always wondered what it’s like for runner-up College football teams who are awarded championships after the real champions are caught with recruiting violations. Now I know.

Chris Harrison interviews the idiot, delusional couple. They talk and there’s talking. Wedding plans are discussed. Rachel tells Chris Harrison that’s she’s not in a hurry to decide everything. You can almost hear Peter yell, “What the hell is that?!!” from off-stage.

I’ve hated a lot of Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons, and I’ve hated this one too. I will give this season points for being exceptionally stupid. It’s not the stupidest ending ever. That will always belong to Jason Mesnick, but it’s top 3. I’m just glad it’s over. ABC shows preview footage of their terrible ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ show. It’s just a taste, not the whole kitchen. I’m not recapping it, so don’t ask.

Thanks for reading this, no one. I’m going to spend my few months of freedom killing as many brain cells as possible so I can forget everything. With any luck, I’ll be unable to type by the time ‘The Bachelor’ debuts in the fall.

Keep it real, America!