My whole life, all I’ve ever wanted was for Kaitlyn to find love. With a little luck and a lot of hard work from Chris Harrison and God, that will happen tonight. Kaitlyn has narrowed down her extensive list of boyfriends to two. She barely has ANY boyfriends. That’s how much Kaitlyn cares about love; she’ll dump all of her boyfriends to find it. ABC doesn’t care about me because the finale is three hours long. It’s too long. It’s a crime. It’s ‘The Bachelorette’.
Nick and Shawn and Shawn’s red face remain in this epic battle for the heart of a Canadian white girl who likes to rap. We’re told by Chris Harrison that Kaitlyn’s journey to find love comes to an emotional end. All ends are emotional, unless it’s the end of a bus ride. If it’s a bus ride, you just get off the bus, emotionless. When you’re journeying to find love, there’s bound to be some emotion. Or, at the very least, some hot tub ab action.
Chris Harrison also tells us that there’s a dramatic ending “you won’t believe”. So, we won’t believe what has happened. We’ll be unable to accept the ending of this show as fact. The ending will be so amazing, that what transpires will be outside of our realm of possibilities. Perhaps a real live dragon will sweep down from the sky and devour Kaitlyn, immediately followed by the Bills winning the Super Bowl. I wouldn’t believe that. Sports quota filled.
The two boyfriends prepare to take their last shot at love. Shawn packs his suitcase while camera operators stand three feet away. He’s wearing a shirt, so I’m not sure why they’re showing us this footage. Nick also packs his suitcase, getting ready to go meet Kaitlyn’s family. Both men talk to the camera about how they don’t like the other boyfriend. The finale is already super dramatic. I can’t believe what’s happening!
Kaitlyn walks into her family’s house. Again, it’s unbelievable. Kaitlyn tells her family that she’s in love with two men and her family flips out. The face her sister makes is priceless. When Kaitlyn tells her sister that her two boyfriends hate each other, it looks like Kaitlyn’s sister just found out about a massive earthquake or something. She can’t believe what is happening.
Kaitlyn pulls her mom aside to tell her about the Nick situation. Her mom takes it well. She doesn’t mind the Nick situation. Kaitlyn’s mom believes every relationship needs a Nick situation, because Nick situations are natural and beautiful. Kaitlyn’s mom is super nice.
Nick gets the first visit with the family. The house they live in is gorgeous because ABC doesn’t let poor people be the Bachelorette. As we all know, poor people don’t deserve love. The family drinks alcohol. Nick tells the stupid story of how he met Kaitlyn and there’s a bunch of talking and I can’t believe that I have to watch three hours of this crap.
They all go outside to sit in front of food they don’t eat. ABC better send this food to starving people. I know they don’t deserve love, but poor people deserve to eat! There’s a ton of alcohol outside too, just to make sure everyone has the chance to get drunk and act stupid.
Kaitlyn’s mom didn’t like Nick from his time as a contestant on the last Bachelorette season. She pulls Nick aside to rake him over the coals. It’s coal-rakey. The music played would lead you to believe that Kaitlyn’s mom is ready to murder Nick. For a second, I’m pretty sure she’s going to murder him. Then, Nick says that he likes Kaitlyn and says nice things. The music gets happy and emotional. This show is so emotional. No one is murdered. Kaitlyn’s mom is ready to give Nick a chance, so everyone’s happy. Look, all I’ve ever wanted was for someone to give Nick a chance. You guys never give Nick a chance, admit it. Nick cries while asking Kaitlyn’s mom if she’ll give him a chance. Kaitlyn’s mom gives Nick a chance. She says that Nick will be good for Kaitlyn. This is unbelievable.
Nick tells Kaitlyn’s dad that he loves Kaitlyn more than he can put into words. Then, he proceeds to put that love into a bunch of words. The words take forever. We listen to the words. The words are about love. They never stop. I hate the words. I thought he couldn’t put it into words? He’s totally putting it into a bunch of words.
Kaitlyn’s dad gives Nick his blessing as well. With the family’s blessing in hand, Nick takes Kaitlyn out into the driveway and puts his hands all over her ass while they slurp up against an ABC SUV. It’s a magical moment.
Shawn gets the next visit. Kaitlyn’s family is nervous because they really liked Nick. Now, they have to save room for their love for Shawn. It’s super hard to love two men at once, and it’s very hard on your family. Kaitlyn’s mom is concerned that Shawn might be a jealous person because he isn’t cool with his girlfriend dating other men. I agree. Only a jerk gets jealous over his girlfriend making out with and sleeping with other men. They shouldn’t even let Shawn into the house.
They do. Shawn goes in the house. He brings Kaitlyn’s mom flowers and sits on the most uncomfortable looking couch I’ve ever seen. It looks like a brown tarp with dead bodies tucked underneath. Kaitlyn’s parents like to sit on dead bodies.
Fifteen seconds after sitting down on the dead body couch, they go outside to sit in front of food they don’t eat. There should be a rule that they have to eat the food. This show has no rules! Fifteen seconds after sitting down outside, Kaitlyn’s mom drags Shawn away to ask him why he’s such a jealous jerk. These people can’t sit still.
Shawn says that he’ll try to be less of a jealous jerk. He says that he’s jealous because he really likes Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn’s mom brings up the fact that Kaitlyn had sex with Nick, which is a super comfortable conversation. I love this show. I don’t mind any of this at all. I wish I could hire Kaitlyn’s mom to sit around and talk about how her daughter had sex with Nick.
Shawn explains that he’s in love with Kaitlyn and that’s all that matters. Kaitlyn’s mom agrees. It’s agreey. You guys agreed too, admit it. Kaitlyn’s mom likes Shawn.
Kaitlyn’s sister likes Shawn so much that she’s switched from Team Nick to Team Shawn. I’m naming my Fantasy Football team Team Shawn or Team Nick after the winner. Kaitlyn’s sister just up and switched teams that easily. I can’t believe it. It’s unbelievable. Kaitlyn’s dad also likes Shawn. Shawn asks both parents for their blessing. They give Shawn their blessing to marry their daughter. This family throws blessings around like they’re discount pork chops. Everyone gets blessings. You get blessings and you get blessings and you get blessings. You’d have to be the biggest shithead in the world not to get Kaitlyn’s family’s blessing.
Shawn is happy. He says, “I don’t know if there’s anyone else happier than me right now.” Probably Derek Jeter. Kaitlyn hardly makes out with Shawn at all before he gets in the ABC SUV to leave. Shawn must not be the one. We’ll find out IN THE NEXT TWO AND A HALF HOURS!
Chris Harrison checks in from his studio in front of a live studio audience of cat owners. He asks them who they think will win and the cat owners clap and scream. It accomplishes a lot. We’ve learned a ton so far.
We’re back to Kaitlyn. Keep up! Kaitlyn sits on a boat and stares off into the ocean while thinking about love. It’s important footage. She’s super focused on love with the way she’s staring off into the distance. I’ve never seen such focus.
Nick pulls up in a different boat and gets on Kaitlyn’s boat. What was wrong with his boat? They sit on Kaitlyn’s boat and drink alcohol. So much is happening. It’s an unbelievable middle to the show.
Soft music plays as Kaitlyn and Nick talk about their journey. Topics covered include: 1. How Kaitlyn’s family likes Nick. 2. Kaitlyn’s feelings. 3. Nick’s feelings. 4. Their relationship. 5. How they’re both feeling right now. 6. Their connection. 7. How their connection doesn’t fade. 8. All of this and how amazing it is.
Please print out this recap and burn it because it’s crap.
Nick and Kaitlyn talk some more and then they make out. There’s so much making out. It makes me miss the talking. At one point, they’re making out and then the camera zooms out to show you how far away it is. It’s like ABC is saying, “See how far away we were when we were recording this make-out session? We totally have cameras that can film make-out sessions from far away.”
It’s nighttime. Keep up! Kaitlyn and Nick are no longer on a boat. They’re in a house, or something. There’s more alcohol. They drink it. There’s more talk. The topics covered include: 1. How weird this all is. 2. How surprising it is that Nick is here. 3. Kaitlyn’s feelings about all the stuff that has happened. 4. Nick’s feelings. 5. What they feel when they’re together.
After the important conversation, they make out. The fire in the background is blazing. I couldn’t be on the Bachelorette. The fires are out of control. It’s like these Bachelorette interns are pyromaniacs. Kaitlyn and Nick leave the fire so that Nick can give Kaitlyn a gift. It’s a picture frame with a picture of them inside. He wrote what he was feeling on the frame. I’m mad at him for writing his feelings because, now I’m going to have to hear about them. The soft piano music that plays while Nick reads his thoughts is the kind of music you hear while you’re on hold with a doctor’s office. There’s more talking. Kaitlyn and Nick make out some more. There are two hours left. I hate all of you for allowing this show to happen. I hate myself most of all.
Kaitlyn is crying. She says that there’s no denying what they have. I’d argue that there’s some denying it, but I don’t have the energy to outright deny it. It’s not my place to deny their love. We go back to the live studio audience so Chris Harrison can make the cat owners scream some more. They scream.
Kaitlyn stands alone in a vineyard and waits for Shawn to arrive. She’s thinking again, so you know things are getting serious. There’s so much standing and thinking and walking and thinking. Kaitlyn must constantly have a migraine.
Shawn walks up to the vineyard to date Kaitlyn. They’re wearing the same outfit. Bachelorette interns have set up a picnic lunch, complete with food, alcohol, blankets and fresh cut flowers. It’ll be great when these two people enter the real world and go on a real date. They’ll be stuck in line at a Fuddruckers behind a screaming 8-year old wondering where the picnic blankets are.
Kaitlyn and Shawn talk. It’s super boring. Kaitlyn doesn’t know what to talk about and Shawn doesn’t know what to talk about, so they just ask each other what they’re thinking about. No one can answer because ABC rules dictate that the woman trying to meet her husband isn’t allowed to talk about her feelings. It makes a ton of sense.
It’s a really awkward scene. No one is really saying anything. Shawn’s face is getting red. He is worried about the other guy and whether or not Kaitlyn is going to pick the other guy.
When they’re done with their picnic, Shawn goes back to a house or something. Kaitlyn knocks on the door and Shawn gets up off of the couch and answers it. Why did they make her knock? Did they really not know if it was Kaitlyn at the door? Were they not expecting her? What if it was one of Shawn’s neighbor looking to borrow some sugar? Would they mic the neighbor? Answer me!
Kaitlyn and Shawn make out. She apologizes for being awkward at the awkward picnic. She’s thinking too much about the fact that she has two boyfriends. It’s a good lesson for you kids out there; if you’re going to have two boyfriends, learn how to not think about one while you’re with the other one.
Shawn talks about his feelings and what he’s feeling. He’s excited about being married to Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn also talks about her feelings. They discuss watching the show back. Shawn says that he probably won’t watch the parts where Nick had sex with Kaitlyn. I wouldn’t. There’s a bunch more talking. They talk. We listen. It happens. It’s happenny. Is there an ‘e’ before the ‘y’ in “happenny”?
Shawn gives Kaitlyn a gift. It’s a big jar full of memories. Where do you get a jar full of memories? Pier 1? There are tees from golf, pictures of their journey, stuff, a bunch of other stuff. They look at the memories and talk about the memories. We all remember the memories now. I’m so glad Shawn got that jar. I would have forgotten about all of these memories. Kaitlyn and Shawn make out one last time. As Kaitlyn talks to the camera about how she loves two men, she cries. She feels bad because she has to blindside one of her boyfriends. She should just continue to date both of them forever, that way she doesn’t have to hurt anyone. Why didn’t Kaitlyn think of that? What an idiot.
I love how, every season, these people go on a show where they date 25 people and then have the nerve to act surprised and upset that they have to dump someone.
It’s the final day. Shawn wakes up and gets ready to get engaged or dumped. He stands on a balcony without a shirt to think about Kaitlyn and love and whether or not he has found love. He puts a shirt on so Neil Lane can come into his room and give us a diamond commercial. It’s a Bachelor/Bachelorette tradition.
Nick also wakes up and also thinks about love and whether or not he’s found love. He also stands on the balcony, but he’s wearing a shirt, so it’s not as dramatic. There’s a knock at the door. ABC pretends like it’s not going to be Neil Lane, but it is Neil Lane. They made Nick pretend like it might be Kaitlyn to make things dramatic. You guys fell for it, admit it.
Kaitlyn drives up to the Bachelorette mansion. The boyfriends put on suits and ride in their limo to get dumped/engaged. Usually, the first guy to arrive gets dumped. Because this show is terrible, they make us wait a full twelve minutes to see who arrives first. I’m not even exaggerating. They talk and talk while Kaitlyn sits and thinks and then they go to commercial. It’s quite literally unbelievable. I can’t believe it.
Before they reveal who Kaitlyn picks, ABC shows us the moon. These guys and their moon. Kaitlyn cries because she doesn’t want to dump her boyfriend. Then, she dumps her boyfriend. Nick is the first guy out of the limo. Chris Harrison does his best to shake hands with the loser of the gameshow without revealing to the loser that he is the loser. It’s the most work Chris Harrison does all season.
Nick goes out onto the balcony to get dumped. Kaitlyn stands there, ready to dump. There are freaking candles everywhere. Note to self: buy stock in candles before the next Bachelorette finale. Nick starts talking and Kaitlyn doesn’t stop him, even though you can see on her face that she’s going to dump him. He talks forever. Nick never stops talking. It takes the rest of my life.
As he gets ready to get down on one knee, Kaitlyn stops him so she can dump him. Before she dumps him, she cries a bunch as if she didn’t have hours to prepare for this. As she explains her dumping, Nick gets kind of mad. He’s confused and doesn’t want to hear Kaitlyn talk. Nick doesn’t believe that Kaitlyn doesn’t love him. He doesn’t think it’s possible. This must be the unbelievable thing Chris Harrison was talking about.
Nick makes Kaitlyn stop talking. Where the hell has he been all season? Kaitlyn cries because Nick is now yelling at her. He says that Kaitlyn never loved him because she isn’t marrying him. Does he know he was on a game show? He’s mad that Kaitlyn doesn’t want to be with him. Can he see his beard? Does he have a mirror? It’s a terrible beard. Don’t these people have beard consultants? Is this not a major network?
Nick finally leaves. Kaitlyn walks him out. The dumping is over. It was dumpy, for reals. Nick cries in his crying limo because love doesn’t exist. As Nick plays with the Neil Lane diamond in the limo, I notice that the face of his watch is bigger than my bathtub. He throws the four billion dollar diamond ring onto the seat of the limo. ABC lawyers restrain themselves from beating up Nick. As Nick cries to the camera, it rains outside. I thought it didn’t rain in Southern California? I wouldn’t put it past ABC to produce fake rain. Nick says, “I am the world’s biggest joke.” I have no argument.
So, does Nick get to use Kaitlyn’s dad’s blessing for other things? It would be a shame to waste a blessing just because a daughter loves a different guy. Nick should be able to use Kaitlyn’s dad’s blessing to get a free oil change or a spot on ABC’s terrible Family Feud show.
The live studio audience can’t believe that Kaitlyn dumped Nick. Chris Harrison asks them, “Can you believe it?” and they all clap like crazy to show America that, no, they can’t believe it.
Next, Shawn’s limo pulls up. Keep up, or don’t. I really don’t care. ABC doesn’t show the face of the limo driver because he’s probably poor and doesn’t matter. Kaitlyn and Shawn kiss on their Bachelorette altar. He talks a bunch while soft music plays. There’s so much talking about their journey and love. We have to listen to it. I’m so sick of hearing about journeys and love.
Kaitlyn tells Shawn that he won the game show and he gets super happy. They’re totally in love forever and nothing will come between then for six weeks. Shawn asks Kaitlyn to marry him and she says yes. They will now be known as Mr. and Mrs. Purple Face. Shawn and Kaitlyn make out one last time. I believe that this ending happened. I guess what I can’t believe is that I’ve waste another three hours of my life watching this crap. That is unbelievable. Chris Harrison was right.
The show is over, so we only have a full hour left. Chris Harrison sets the scene in front of the cat owners. Kaitlyn and Shawn come out in front of the live studio audience. Everyone claps because there’s nothing wrong in the world. Kaitlyn and Shawn have each other. It’s revealed that Shawn took a picture of the TV back when Kaitlyn got dumped on her Bachelor season and he promised out loud that he’d save her from heartbreak. I tried to do the same thing when Lisa Bonet got her heart broke on ‘A Different World’, but we didn’t end up together. So, that only works sometimes.
Next, Nick comes out so we can get an update on his heartbreak. For a guy with a broken heart, he looks fine. His beard even looks better. Heartbreak is apparently great for beards. Nick feels stupid for acting mad at Kaitlyn when she dumped him. I’m not sure if I forgive him. I guess I’ll give Nick another chance. You guys have to promise to give Nick another chance too.
Chris Harrison brings up Nick and Kaitlyn’s previous relationship before the show started. He said they talked on the phone a couple of times. If that’s a relationship, then I’m totally dating Verizon. I hope Verizon is a gentle lover.
As Nick talks about his frustrations with dating Kaitlyn under these circumstances, the cat owners in the audience nod their approval. These cat owners understand love and complications. They’re very understanding cat owners.
To achieve maximum stupidness, ABC brings out Shawn to sit with Nick so they can talk about how they hate each other. This should fix everything. Nick introduces himself to make fun of the fact that Shawn wouldn’t say Nick’s name. Chris Harrison marvels about how weird it is that two contestants didn’t get along because it’s never happened on the show before. Chris Harrison forgets the 22 or so other seasons where it has happened each and every season.
Shawn says that he doesn’t like Nick because something happened in the house that he doesn’t want to talk about. It’s amazing how these people will talk endlessly about nothing and then shut right up when there’s something that we’d actually like to hear. Nick talks too. We listen to it. The talking keeps happening. In the end, Nick and Shawn agree that this was all really stupid. I’m not making that up, they agree to the show’s stupidity. I feel like I’ve scored a victory.
There’s a half-hour left and no actual content. Shawn won, Nick lost, they’re not going to fight and all of the talking has happened. We don’t need an additional half hour, ABC! ABC needed the half hour because they promo their stupid show about gorgeous young cops who have a bunch of sex. I’m in, ABC! Three thumbs up, if you catch my drift!!!! Get it??? It’s a metaphor. I’m saying that your sexy cop promo gave me an erection. Well played.
Kaitlyn comes out to sit next to Nick so Nick can get some answers. It’s answery. Nick asks why she dumped him. She answers, again. The Nick situation comes up. I get emotional because this could be the last time in my life where I get to mention the Nick situation. Now I know how Citizen Kane felt.
Kaitlyn and Shawn sit together as a couple and talk about being a couple. Shawn is happy that he gets to take on all of the internet bullies who bullied Kaitlyn. Get ready, internet! Shawn is coming and his face is super purple and ready for action! Chris Harrison wishes them nothing but the very best. He wishes me no such thing.
The show is over. There wasn’t a single stinking hot tub makeout session this season. I hate this show. And, to the four of you who care, I’m not recapping ‘Bachelor in Paradise’. Please leave me alone about it. I’ll see y’all in the fall.