This isn’t easy to say and it might upset some of you, but I’m just going to come right out and say it. JoJo is experiencing some bumps on her road to find love. I know, I know. No one said this was going to be easy. Love never is. You see, apparently, some of her 17 boyfriends are here for the wrong reasons. Chad is in love with himself and his arms. He’s more interested in starting fights than starting fires of passion. It’s the absolute worst thing to happen to love. It’s ‘The Bachelorette’.
Tonight, someone is going to murder someone at a pool party and ABC made us all wait 24 hours to watch it! If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’ll have to read yesterday’s recap because I don’t have time to catch you up. There’s too much going on! Chad is going to rip the limbs off of JoJo’s other boyfriends. At least, that’s what he said he was going to do yesterday. The sinister music provided by ABC promised murder. If someone isn’t murdered, I’m going to sue.
We pick up where we left off last night; nowhere. Chris Harrison is yelling at Chad, telling him that he’s not allowed to murder anyone. I thought this show had no rules?
Chad comes in after agreeing not to murder. He addresses the group of boyfriends and tells them that he’s not here to start trouble. Evan tells Chad that he owes him a new shirt and an apology. Chad says, “Alright, I’ll give you 20 bucks.” Chad is the just the best, you guys. The confrontation ends when everyone agrees not to start a fight with Chad. He somehow turned himself into a victim. That was fun.
Speaking of fun, POOL PARTY! JoJo arrives and begins the pool party by taking off her shirt and showing her, um, strong points. The boyfriends jump in the pool with their girlfriend. There’s some choreographed diving. Evan hurt himself diving and came up with a bloody nose. There’s no better way to start a pool party than with blood.
Next, Aaron Rodger’s little brother takes JoJo aside and makes out with her. I guess the other guys are just swimming and stuff while Aaron Rodger’s little brother makes out with their girlfriend. ABC makes sure to show us that Aaron Rodger’s little brother touches JoJo’s leg. It’s all sensual and stuff. This woman is touched by 17 guys a day. That’s a lot. I don’t know how many guys is too many to be touched by in a day, but I’d draw the line at, at least, 4. I hope JoJo keeps some Purell around, because there’s a high mathematical probability that she’s getting a head cold or, at the very least, herpes.
The pool party rages on and so far no one has tried to fight Chad. I’d call it a success. Some more guys make out with JoJo. No one them wash their hands first, as far as I can see. Chad takes a turn for some alone time with JoJo. He explains why he was a jerk on the last group date. Chad says, “If you had any interest in Evan, then what am I doing here? Imagine me trying to figure what you want at a restaurant. Do you want steak and ice cream?…”
As Chad is speaking his award-winning sentence, Evan interrupts, because he’s also instructed by producers to stir up trouble. Chad angrily storms off and bros out on a swan pool toy. He then complains about the other boyfriends complaining about him.
Meanwhile, more of JoJo’s boyfriends talk to JoJo about Chad. Derek warns her that Chad might be trouble. I think he’s right. Chad overhears this and pulls Derek aside for a broversation. Derek tells Chad that JoJo is the one who brought Chad up. Chad calls him a liar.
What follows is a very important exchange of brovery.
Chad points at Derek’s chest and tells him to get over whatever heartbreak he’s suffered in the past that’s making him act like a jerk to Chad over JoJo. I’m pretty sure that last sentence says what I want it to say, but there’s no going back at this point. Derek and Chad are still talking.
Chad makes fun of Derek for acting like he was in love with JoJo the first day he met her. Chad says that Derek thinks JoJo is the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen. Derek agrees. Chad makes fun of Derek for having watched previous seasons of ‘The Bachelorette’. Chad tells Derek that he didn’t have time to watch the show because he had a job. Try watching AND recapping it, Chad! It’s murder. Chad yells at Derek one more time and tells him not to tell JoJo about the conversation they’re having.
The rose ceremony is next. I’m so nervous. You guys are nervous too, admit it. JoJo tells Chris Harrison that she doesn’t know what she’s going to do. Chris Harrison doesn’t say anything to that because he’s completely useless. He doesn’t offer JoJo advice like, “Don’t date the psycho or the creepy guy.” Chris Harrison doesn’t care about JoJo finding love.
JoJo wears a lot of eye makeup. ABC acts like Chad isn’t going to get a rose. They play dramatic music while the boyfriends talk to the camera about how much they want Chad to go home. Chad is the last one to get a rose, so it’s super dramatic and fake. It was so dramatic, I had to go for a walk in the middle of it to calm down. During my walk, I punched a door.
The worst thing to come out of the rose ceremony is the departure of muskrat eyebrows. He left with two other guys I didn’t recognize. One of the dumped guys is Nick B. Despite never once talking to JoJo, Nick B. tells the camera that he felt like there could have been something there. I don’t think Nick B. understands what “something” is.
It’s the next day. Keep up! JoJo takes her boyfriends to Pennsylvania for some reason. ABC flies her there in a propeller plane. It’s very quaint and stupid. The boyfriends arrive in jeeps. Then, they stand on their hotel balcony and yell, “Hello JoJo!” It’s a Bachelorette tradition.
The date card arrives. Luke the designer cowboy gets a one-on-one date with JoJo, his girlfriend. They ride a dog sled through a forest. I mean, I type that sentence so many times, it almost doesn’t look like English. Luke and JoJo travel by dog to a hot tub sitting in the middle of the forest.
JoJo makes Luke chop wood to fuel their wood fire hot tub. The Bachelorette interns must have the day off. Luke and JoJo take off their clothes to get in the hot tub. There are a lot of abs. With all of the hot water and abs, they could easily do some laundry. JoJo can’t climb inside of the hot tub because it’s too hot and she’s stupid. Luke helps her into the hot tub because he’s a gentleman.
While they’re in the hot tub, JoJo tells Luke how much fun she’s had today. All they’ve done is ride a dog sled and then chop wood. JoJo is easy to please. They drink wine and bro in their hot tub. It’s broey. Luke talks about how he loves Texas. JoJo also loves Texas. They should get married. Then, they make out.
Back at the hotel room, the other boyfriends talk about their journey. They discuss their girlfriend and whether or not she’ll dump Luke. Chad sits alone outside without a shirt. He just bros. ABC shows us a bear. They pretend like the bear is close to Chad, but it’s not. There’s no bear near Chad. Bears can smell douchers. Douchers are a natural bear repellent.
The group date card arrives. Chad and Alex are not on the group date card. That probably means they will be on a two-on-one date where one of the bros goes home. It’s bro V. bro and one must go! These bros are foes! Alex points at Chad and tells him he’s going home. Chad doesn’t talk. That’s very unlike Chad. ABC shows us the moon.
We’re back to Luke’s date. Keep up! JoJo asks Luke why he’s confident. He says it’s because he’s a football player and a platoon leader who had a lot of responsibility. ABC plays soft, “Luke is a lieutenant” music. Luke’s friend died in the war and it made him realize how important life is and how precious each moment is. Then, he makes out with JoJo. It’s slurp-a-riffic. Neither of them has touched their food. JoJo gives Luke a rose because he impressed her.
Luke tells the camera that he is falling for JoJo and he’s at the moment in the relationship where it’s like a roller coaster going over the hill. I know I’m super cynical but I have to admit, that’s my favorite moment in the love process.
JoJo takes Luke to a theater. There’s a bunch of people inside cheering for them, even though these episodes haven’t aired yet, so no one should really know who they are. Then two guys named Dan and Shay start singing because this is some kind of concert. JoJo and Luke dance and make out in front of the psychic people who knew two famous people were entering the theater. I wonder if ABC told them JoJo and Luke were coming? I wonder if Dan and Shay care that their concert is being ruined by two hornballs who can’t stop making out? It doesn’t matter. No one cares. When is the sun going to explode? I feel like I’ve been waiting forever for that to happen.
The group date is next. JoJo brings a dozen of her boyfriends to Heinz Field to play football with Ben Roethlisberger, Heinz Ward and Brett Keisel. I’d say “sports quota filled”, but this won’t be sports. I’m sure it won’t be awkward for Aaron Rodger’s little brother to be on a date in front of Ben Roethlisberger.
JoJo talks to Ben Roethlisberger about her boyfriends as they run passing drills. They discuss her favorites. She basically mentions all of them. As she mentions Evan, he falls over. Evan isn’t good at football.
The boyfriends run with parachutes and tackle each other. This should really help JoJo find a husband. If a guy can’t run with a parachute, he’ll never be able to provide for his family. James Taylor (not that one) cuts his eye on someone’s head. He’s bleeding, but refuses to seek Bachelorette medic attention. James Taylor is a warrior for love.
Back at the hotel, Chad and Alex do not talk to each other. Luke is uncomfortable, so he tries to break the silence by talking. It’s a big mistake. Chad yells at Alex for ruining the vibe of the home. He claims Alex is making things bad. Alex says that Chad is the problem. You guys, this is like Sophie’s Choice!
Back at the group date, the boyfriends prepare to play football. It’ll be the Blue Team vs. the White Team. I call my bookie and put $4,000 on White. Evan is wearing a weird head band and has eye black under one eye. He’s like Lisa Left Eye Lopez. Maybe he’ll burn Andre Rison’s house down! That would be a fun date challenge!
Aaron Rodger’s little brother is chosen as the all-time quarterback, so he can ruin things for both teams. Evan gets another nose bleed. The game is two-hand touch. What follows is a bunch of crappy football footage. The blue teams wins but, in reality, no one wins.
Blue team gets extra alone time with JoJo. I’m guessing the Denver Broncos should also get some alone time with JoJo, because they won the Super Bowl. JoJo takes the winning team to a place that has couches and alcohol. ABC really knows how to find these places.
Robbie pulls JoJo into a room so he can talk to her. She feels close to Robbie. She talks about how incredible it is that she is building a relationship with Robbie, even though they haven’t spent any time together. That goes to show you how efficient JoJo is. You have to fall for your boyfriends quick when there are 17 of them. Robbie carries JoJo into a room with a pool table and they make out. I’ll bet the camera guy was bummed because he thought he was going to be able to shoot some cool billiards footage. Instead, there was more making out.
JoJo makes out with three more boyfriends. I wonder if they taste each other. Aaron Rodger’s little brother gets alone time with JoJo. She complains to him that she’s trying to open up, but doesn’t feel like he ever tries to open up. How the hell is he supposed to open up when all they ever do is talk about how he never opens up? Love is complicated, yo? Eventually, Aaron Rodger’s little brother opens up to JoJo and tells her that he’s falling for her. They make out. JoJo gives the group date rose to Jordan, right in front of the other boyfriends. They must really be confident about their make-out skills now!
Back at the hotel, the two-on-one date card arrives. The other boyfriends try to talk to Chad, but he blows up at them and challenges everyone to a fight. Alex and Chad turn up the heat and yell louder. There’a a ton of yelling. One guy who’s name I don’t know tells Chad that he’d fight him. Chad says, “Let’s go outside.” The one guy is all, “Let’s go!” But, he doesn’t go outside. They never go outside. This whole show is just a big “Let’s go outside” tease. The only things that ever get punched are the poor doors.
Next comes the two-on-one date. Alex and Chad both have to bring their bags because the guy who doesn’t get a rose goes home. Not “Bachelor mansion” home, but “home” home.
The boyfriends talk before the two-on-one date. Chad breaks up their talk with more threats. He tells Aaron Rodger’s little brother that, when the show is all over, he’s going to find Aaron Rodger’s little brother’s house and fight him. I’d want to find Aaron Rodger’s little brother’s house because there would be a good chance that Aaron Rodger’s would be there.
ABC picks up JoJo’s boyfriends in a helicopter. It brings them to the woods. JoJo is there dressed in flannel. She’s such a regular girl! The group goes hiking on their date. Bachelorette interns packed them backpacks, so they’ll be able to survive the entire 2-hour hike. Alex carries an axe and Chad uses a machete to hack away trees. I’m not even kidding about that.
The love trio ends up near a river where they sit on the blanket that Bachelorette interns laid out for them. Then, there’s awkward conversation. JoJo pulls Alex away for a private conversation. Alex makes the mistake of only talking about Chad. That’s not going to impress JoJo. Let this be a lesson to you kids out there. If you’re dating a girl who is also dating 16 other guys, don’t just talk about the other guys. It’s a turnoff.
Chad gets some alone time with JoJo. They sit on a big log. Chad acts nice, but JoJo isn’t falling for it. She’s been warned by her other boyfriends. She talks about how Alex told her Chad threatens the group. She tells Chad that she knows that he threatened Aaron Rodger’s little brother. Chad tries to defend himself, but JoJo walks away. She doesn’t seem very comfortable around the psychopath. I don’t blame her. There are no mic’d up security guards in this forest!!!!!!
JoJo sits in the woods by herself to think It’s super thinkey. You can see all of the thinking, also her chest. Chad also thinks. There is so much thinking.
Chad goes back and finds Alex alone. Again, no security. He’s told Alex before that, if he interferes with Chad’s chances of getting with JoJo, there was going to be a fight. Chad tells Alex that he’s not happy with him. Chad says that he’s disappointed that he can’t hurt Alex without getting in trouble. Then, they yell back and forth a bunch. The fight ends when Alex says, “The pigs are in the barn.” Then, Chad says, “The kings are in the castle.” So, there’s that.
JoJo returns and asks Chad, straight out, if he’s threatened anyone. Chad doesn’t lie. I mean, he doesn’t really say yes, but he doesn’t deny it. JoJo picks up the two-on-one date rose. She dumps Chad and gives Alex the rose. JoJo and Alex hug. The three of them get up and leave their blanket without picking it up. They just leave the blanket for the poor Bachelorette interns to carry back through the forest.
Chad complains to the camera about getting dumped. He doesn’t believe that JoJo doesn’t like him and says that he’s still going to find Alex and beat him up. Later, JoJo and Alex relax in a cabin somewhere, drink and make out. Chad makes his way back to the hotel to confront the other boyfriends. Then, mercifully, the episode ends.
We won’t find out how many people Chad murders for two weeks. I’m going to really enjoy my week off. I might even spend my Monday night doing something that doesn’t make me hate myself. I’ve earned it. You guys have earned it too.