I’ve been standing in the same spot for two weeks, waiting to find out how many people Chad will murder to get his revenge. ABC made us wait two weeks to find out what happens on their terrible television program. JoJo dumped her boyfriend Chad and then we were teased with preview footage of Chad storming through a forest to find and murder JoJo’s other boyfriends. I can’t take it any longer. You guys can’t take it any longer either, admit it!
We pick up right where we left off, after ABC spends 8 minutes reviewing the traumatizing footage from the previous episode. We watch it. We are re-traumatized. It’s a re-traumatization. Chad and Alex yelled at each other a bunch and someone said something about poking a bear and everyone is going to die.
The brofriends high five each other back at the cabin. They celebrate the departure of Chad or, as I like to call it, the de-Chadding. One of the boyfriends plays guitar while the others ceremonially throw Chad’s protein powder into the air. I secretly give them points for originality, but don’t tell anyone.
Super dramatic music plays as Chad approaches the cabin. Chad knocks on the front door, even though he’s accompanied by an ABC camera crew who could have easily opened the door for him. Maybe the cameras guys are like nature camera guys and they’re not allowed to interfere with cheetahs killing gazelles. When he sees him at the door, the erectile dysfunction guy says, “I hope that Chad’s not here for his protein powder.”
Aaron Rodger’s little brother takes control of the situation. He tells Chad that he didn’t mean for there to be problems and, if Chad would just apologize to the guys, everything would be cool. Chad gets all Chaddy and there is pointing. Chad touches Aaron Rodger’s little brother on the forehead. I have to admit, that’s a strong move. If you want to fight someone but you want them to throw the first punch, you should definitely touch their forehead. They yell back and forth. Chad again threatens to hurt the bros. Erectile dysfunction guy asks Chad for money for his ripped shirt.
Even though ABC promised us that Chad was going to take out a scythe and murder everyone, it doesn’t happen. The bros go into the other room and Chad just leaves. ABC promised PROMISED me thousands of murders. There were zero murders. Alex comes back home and the other boyfriends celebrate him. They dunk his face into cupcakes and sing because they’re glad that Alex has gotten so much closer to their girlfriend.
It’s the next day. Keep up! JoJo holds her cocktail party. She addresses the group and tell her boyfriends that she’s glad she dumped Chad. Everyone nods because they’re super glad. You guys were glad too, admit it. You probably even nodded while watching from your couch. You’re such sellouts.
At the cocktail party, Chase takes JoJo aside and gives her an inflatable ball. They each put on an inflatable ball and bump into each other. I swear to God, I am so bad with women. I would have never thought of that.
Robbie takes JoJo outside to a fountain and makes out with her. Women are powerless around fountains. If you ever see a woman by a fountain, there’s a good chance she’s making out with someone, just made out with someone, or is about to make out with someone.
James F, who I’ve never heard of, pulls JoJo aside and reads her a poem. Apparently, he wanted to ruin his chances of winning the game show. James couldn’t finish his poem because Alex walked up and interrupted him. So, once again, Alex was a hero.
Designer cowboy guy makes out with JoJo. It’s been two weeks so I can’t remember anyone’s name anymore. Cowboy tells JoJo that he’s falling for her and he does that thing where he’s half talking and half crying. Women love that. It’s a 50/50 mix. I usually go full-on 100% cry.
The interrupting theme continues. More guys interrupt other guys while they’re talking to JoJo. It’s super interupty. It’s an interrupt-a-thon! The boyfriends complain that the other boyfriends are stealing time with their girlfriend. Maybe they should have watched 20 seconds of the television show they agreed to be on before complaining about sharing their girlfriend.
The rose ceremony is next. JoJo gets to dump a couple more boyfriends. She decides to get rid of the Canadian and the poem guy. Erectile gets to stay another week. Erectile must have a cousin who works on the show because he adds nothing and there’s no way JoJo feels anything for him other than pity.
Canadian guy tells the camera that he has a good body and that he shouldn’t have gone home, but admits that the chances of finding love where long. He says, “I got a better chance of getting struck by lightning…while…um…….sssshaving my…face.” That was my yearbook quote.
JoJo tells her remaining boyfriends that the fun is moving to Uruguay. The guys all celebrate the news, even though they know absolutely nothing about Uruguay. They probably don’t even know what European country Uruguay is in!
When we come back from commercial, ABC shows us a goat, and the ocean. This must be what Uruguay is about, ocean goats. JoJo walks on the Uruguayan beach and streets while thinking about love. The boyfriends show up and yell things like, “We’re in Uruguay!” At first, I thought their plane had landed in the wrong country but from the sound of things they too are in Uruguay.
The first date card arrives to announce that Aaron Rodger’s little brother gets a one-on-one date. The rest of the boyfriends seem less than enthused about Aaron Rodger’s little brother. He must be the new bad guy now that Chad is gone. Normally, these guys seem super excited to see another guy take their girlfriend out. The bros tell the camera that they don’t trust Aaron Rodger’s little brother.
JoJo takes Aaron Rodger’s little brother to a yacht. I hope she sends him home because I’m so sick of typing out Aaron Rodger’s little brother. They make out on the yacht. Then they put on wet suits and jump into the ocean to swim with seals. The date card said, “Let’s seal the deal.” I didn’t get it at first, but now things are totally clear. ABC writers are true Renaissance artists.
Back at the brotel, the boyfriends read tabloid magazines to learn more about JoJo’s past boyfriends. Apparently, there is no internet in Uruguay. The magazine says that JoJo only agreed to be the Bachelorette for the media attention. Now, the bros don’t trust JoJo. When the group date is announced, no one is excited because an ex-boyfriend in a magazine said bad things about her.
Why would the producers let JoJo’s boyfriends get a hold of trashy tabloid magazines? I thought Chris Harrison wanted to help JoJo find love? Shouldn’t he be helping her instead of opening up magazines to the page that says bad things about JoJo and then leaving it out in her boyfriend’s hotel room? Answer me!
Back on the date (keep up!) JoJo tells Aaron Rodger’s little brother that she’s afraid of getting her heart broken. JoJo wants her heart to be woke, not broke! She tells him that she talked to one of his ex-girlfriends and that Aaron Rodger’s little brother was never interested in relationships. Aaron Rodger’s little brother says that he was a terrible person because he was more worried about being the best football player he could be. Wow, his brother must suck at love because he’s really good at football.
Aaron Rodger’s little brother says that he has changed. He says he’s ready to fall in love now and that he’s falling in love with JoJo. The music gets all “Aaron Rodger’s little brother has changed!” and JoJo falls for it. She reaches in and makes out with Aaron Rodger’s little brother. She gives him a rose because he’s no longer terrible. They make out some more, just in case we didn’t get enough of their slurping. Their plates are completely empty so they either ate dinner or they were never served. Uruguayan restaurants are terrible. I’m going to say bad things about them on Uruguay Yelp!
JoJo and Aaron Rodger’s little brother wander out into the streets to dance with Uruguayan street performers. I hate this show so much.
JoJo is back at her hotel room talking about how much fun she had on her date and how she likes Aaron Rodger’s little brother. As she’s basking in the glow, a producer hands her the magazine to make sure she knows how awful she is. These producers sure do care about JoJo.
JoJo cries about her ex-boyfriend and says that he’s always doing this crap to her. She can’t believe her ex-boyfriend thinks that she’s just on the show to get attention. The music gets all dramtical. JoJo is upset and doesn’t want her 12 or 13 boyfriends to think that she’s some sort of attention whore. She didn’t just go on a nationally televised show for attention! She came to find love by dating 28 guys for fifteen minutes at time and find love by watching her boyfriends play sports and do stand up comedy!
JoJo marches down to the brotel. She brings a copy of the magazine. She explains that the boyfriend was bad. She says that the article is bad. The bros are all serious faced. They nod when JoJo says things. It’s noddy. Four seconds after doubting their girlfriend, the bros tell JoJo that it’s a non-issue and that JoJo shouldn’t worry. JoJo hugs all of her boyfriends. She tells the camera how lucky she is to have such sweet boyfriends. I wish I had 12 or 13 sweet boyfriends!
The group date is next. JoJo takes her boyfriends sand surfing. It really helps her get to know them more. ABC shows us three solid minutes of sand surfing. It’s 2 and a half minutes too many. Just when I can’t take the fun any longer, thunder cancels the sand surfing. Even God hates ‘The Bachelorette’.
JoJo takes the group to a Uruguayan room or something. I’m not really sure. There is alcohol and curtains. It’s pretty nondescript. Designer cowboy pulls JoJo aside to tell her that he doesn’t care about magazine articles. They make out on a Uruguayan couch. It’s super romantic. Fourteen seconds later, JoJo makes out with James Taylor. I’ll bet these guys play a game where they leave certain tastes in JoJo’s mouth to see if the other boyfriends can find and identify them. “Did you leave cilantro? She kind of tasted like cilantro!”
Derek is feeling insecure because he hasn’t had alone time with JoJo for a while. He tells JoJo that he was all connectioney with her before, but he feels like he’s falling behind. JoJo tells Derek that she understands and that Derek is not falling behind the other dozen boyfriends. Then, they make out. She’s so good at dating a bunch of boyfriends. I wouldn’t have the energy to keep up.
Alex doesn’t like Derek. This is the first we’ve heard of this. It comes out of nowhere. I was all, “Woah!”
Alex tells the camera that Derek acts insecure because he wants attention.
Alex pulls JoJo aside. He tells her that he feels special with JoJo and that the feelings he is feeling are super feelingy. He says that he can see himself falling in love with JoJo. JoJo doesn’t say anything. She just makes out with Alex. You can always tell that a girl likes you if she makes out with you. Let that be a lesson to you kids out there; if a girl makes out with you, she likes you.
JoJo gives Derek the group date rose. Alex gets mad because he thinks that Derek is pathetic and begs for attention. So, if you’re keeping score at home, the guy who went on a reality TV dating show to date a woman who is also dating 27 other men is mad at a guy for wanting attention. Villains gotta vil.
Robbie’s one-on-one date is next. To start, JoJo finds a stray dog on a beach and pets it. That’s ill advised. Robbie and JoJo explore Uruguay. JoJo says that Uruguay is full of culture. I’m skeptical, but I agree to go along for the ride.
They stop at a hat store on the street, so there is some culture. JoJo and Robbie eat a sandwich. Okay, so that’s some more culture. Next, they jump off some rocks into the ocean so I’m all, “Okay, Uruguay is slopping over the sides with culture! JoJo was totally right!” At first, JoJo was ascared to jump into the ocean, but she gained confidence because Robbie is an Olympic swimmer. This is the first I’ve heard of Robbie’s Olympic status. You’d think that would have come up at some point. I guess I don’t really pay much attention to what ABC puts on the screen under their names.
JoJo and Robbie jump into the ocean. The music ABC plays would lead us to believe that JoJo and Robbie just cured a major disease or landed on Mars. JoJo and Robbie make out to celebrate their rock jump. You guys made out to celebrate their rock jump too, admit it!
Back at the hotel, the guys talk about how serious things are getting because there are only 12 or so boyfriends left. The music is serious. The conversation is serious. Guys, things are getting so serious! Alex calls out Derek, telling him that he is insincere. Alex says that he doesn’t appreciate Derek’s behavior, or something. I’m not really sure what is happening. Keep up!
We’re back on Robbie’s date. Robbie tells the camera that he’s waiting for the right moment to tell JoJo that he loves her. Woah! Love! Robbie is already ready to lie about being in love! Things are even more seriouser!
While they’re not eating their food, Robbie leans in and tells JoJo that he has made some changes in his life because his best friend died while driving his car off of a bridge. This is a good way to begin telling a woman that you love her. Robbie says that his friend’s death made him believe in carpeing all of the diems. He tells JoJo that life is short and that he doesn’t want to hide anything from her. Robbie tells JoJo that he loves her. The music gets all soft and special. JoJo says, “Thank you so much.” She smiles, but she has to be thinking, “I don’t even remember this one’s name!” JoJo gives ole what’s his name a rose because she appreciates his honesty. She must have been afraid that she might drive off of a bridge before getting a chance to give Robbie a rose. That’s how you carpe a diem, JoJo!
They go outside to watch fireworks. What a coincidence! There are fireworks right outside of their date, just as they’re walking out! Uruguay has so much culture. Robbie tells the camera that he’s the happiest guy in Uruguay, and that’s not fair. Robbie has no way of knowing that. There are a lot of guys in Uruguay, who’s to say who’s happiest? He’d have to walk around Uruguay, asking all of the guys to rate their happiness on a scale of 1-to-10. That would be the only way. We just don’t have time for all that.
The cocktail party is next. Derek pulls Alex, Aaron Rodger’s little brother and some other guys into the other room. He wants the other boyfriends to know that he doesn’t like the high school click that’s happening. They tell him that he’s being too sensitive. The other guys are mad that Derek is wasting their cocktail party time with JoJo.