Ever get hit in the teeth with a tire iron? Ever get hit in the teeth with a tire iron only to have it happen again the very next night? That’s what ABC is doing to me this week. They’re hitting me in the teeth with a weapon by airing back-to-back episodes of a terrible television program on Monday and Tuesday. It’s like I slept with ABC’s wife and they’re getting even with me. It’s ‘The Bachelorette’.
JoJo has 17 boyfriends. She’s so lucky. I’ve never even had one boyfriend. We begin the fun with preview footage of what will be the most dramatic episode in Bachelorette history. There’s so much drama, I can’t even talk about it. I would throw up if I tried to form the words.
Next, we get to see footage of JoJo’s boyfriends waking up. It’s super important. I can’t believe you guys didn’t watch this. You’re such idiots. How are you supposed to know what it looks like when JoJo’s boyfriends wake up? You won’t! You’ll never know.
JoJo’s boyfriends trashed the mansion. Chad is one of JoJo’s boyfriends. He’s the villain. Chad has been hired by ABC to act like a jerk and display his abs so their struggling franchise can spew out the same crap they do every season. You see, televised match-making is a very delicate and sensitive process. You mustn’t tamper with the process by changing the plot with original content or new ideas. I can’t wait to see where this tired cliché takes us!
As they sit and bro (bro is a verb now. It means to sit around and be a bro) Chad and the Canadian talk about working out and calories. Their “bro”ing makes the other boyfriends angry. You guys were angry too, admit it.
Chris Harrison arrives to lay down the date situation. There will be 2 one-on-one dates and a group date. Chase gets the first one-on-one date. I have no idea who Chase is. I’ve never seen him before. I think he’s a country music star or an accountant or the President of the United States of America.
JoJo takes Chase to a yoga studio. It’s every guy’s dream come true. And, you guys, this isn’t your typical yoga studio. The yoga woman tells JoJo and Chase that they’re going to be doing intimate yoga. Their parts are going to totally touch a bunch and stuff.
We break away from the date to watch footage of the other boyfriends working out at the mansion. There’s a lot of abs and grunting. It’s like watching the Olympics if all of the countries were stupid and insecure.
We’re back to sexy yoga. Keep up! The yoga woman makes JoJo and Chase do Yap Yum. I don’t know if I spelled that right and I refuse to Google it. Yap Yum involves the couple putting all of their parts together and staring into each other’s face. It looks uncomfortable. Speaking of uncomfortable, JoJo and Chase make out. We watch it. There’s a ton of slurping. This isn’t yoga at all. You guys, I don’t think this yoga place should be able to keep their license. This place is more like a brothel.
After Yap Yum, ABC shows us the moon. JoJo and Chase sit down to eat dinner on TV. They talk about how close they’ve grown from their making out. Neither of them touch their food. Their food looks delicious. Bachelorette interns worked so hard to provide them with this meal and they refuse to eat it!
Chase talks about how he loves his parents so he’s cautious about getting engaged. I’ll bet his parents are super proud of how he shares a girlfriend on TV with 16 other guys. They’re probably crying tears of joy seeing how good he was at Yap Yumming JoJo’s crotch with his crotch.
JoJo likes Chase. She gives him a rose. Then, they go outside without eating any of their food. ABC has arranged a private concert by Charles Kelly (I think that was the name of the artist or band or whatever). JoJo and Chase slow dance in front of their ABC-sponsored recording artist. They make sure they make out in front of Charles Kelly to show how much they appreciate this private concert. I’m sure Charles Kelly will never forget this moment.
Back at the mansion, Muskrat eyebrows reads the next date card. It’s the group date card. Chad’s name is on the group date card, but he doesn’t want to go on the group date. He tells the guys that he probably won’t even go. The other boyfriends get mad at Chad for being confident. They tell him to take his name off the invite list if he doesn’t want to go. Aaron Rodger’s little brother says that he hopes for Chad’s sake that, if there’s a competition, it’s a bench press competition and not a spelling contest.
Chad yells at Aaron Rodger’s little brother and says, “You’re a 27-year old failed football player.” It’s a sick burn. Aaron Rodger’s little brother laughs it off. He’s good at laughing stuff off. Chad also tells Evan, the little erectile dysfunction guy, to shut up. He does. Evan shuts right up.
Then, Alex the Marine guy takes on Chad and says mean things. Chad says mean things back and they stare at each other. It’s an old-fashioned stare-down! By gum, it’s been a while! The confrontation ends without incident. The previews for this episode promise there will be blood and a fight, but they’re always promising that and it never happens.
Next, the guys show up for their group date. JoJo takes them to a theatre. There’s a show, or something. A woman tells the crowd that there will be a bunch of people telling sex stories, and the BACHELORETTE BOYFRIENDS WILL HAVE TO TELL THEIR SEX STORIES! OMG! JoJo will get to tell everyone how she Yap Yummed Chase with her crotch and mouth!
The guys write down their sex stories with a pencil and then take turns telling these stories to a live audience. This should really help JoJo find a husband. As he’s preparing to do this, the Canadian drinks beer out of a wine glass. You should seriously have to go home for doing something like that.
Grant the firefighter’s sex story is uncomfortable. He was basically arrested for under-aged fornication. Robbie talks about having oral sex. Aaron Rodger’s little brother talks about his penis. It’s just some good natured fun, y’all.
Evan the erectile dysfunction specialist uses his time to make fun of Chad. It’s a great plan. He talks about how steroids have negative effects on people, insinuating that Chad uses steroids. Evan is super nervous while doing this. It’s more uncomfortable than the oral sex story.
It’s Chad’s turn next. Chad rips Evans shirt as he goes up to the stage to tell his sex story. Villains gotta vil. Chad then pulls JoJo up on stage. Instead of telling a sex story, he tells everyone that he’s not here to talk about his past. Chad pulls JoJo in and tries to make out with her. She rejects Chad’s kiss. That’s the first time she’s rejected a kiss. This girl loves her smoochin’!
After the stupid thing happens, Chad pushes Evan and tells him he’s gonna die. All the other bros are like, “Woah!” They tell Chad to calm down. Even the Canadian guy takes Evan’s side. Chad punched the door and made his knuckles bleed. ABC made it seem like Chad murdered someone. He just punched a door. That poor door! It was four days away from retirement!
JoJo takes her boyfriends to a place with couches so they all can drink. Aaron Rodger’s little brother pulls JoJo aside for some alone time. It’s exactly what you’d expect a quarterback to do.
Aaron Rodger’s little brother has a delicate side. He talks to JoJo about his ex-girlfriend. They broke up because Aaron Rodger’s little brother had trouble opening up. You guys, Aaron Rodger’s little brother guards and protect his heart! He says that he got good at positioning himself to not get his heart broken. It’s almost like he stood back in the pocket behind his offensive line looking for an open receiver, but didn’t want to throw an interception. Sometimes you gotta force that ball into double coverage and let your receiver make a play. If you hold on to that ball too long, you’re gonna get sacked.
In this scenario, JoJo is the receiver and love is the ball, and the offensive line is Aaron Rodger’s little brother’s reluctance to give in to love. An interception is a broken heart. Getting sacked is loneliness. Double coverage represents those hoochies in the mall with bad intentions who yell stuff at you when you’re going the opposite way down the escalator. I can’t believe you read down this far. Sports quota filled, by the way.
JoJo relates to Aaron Rodger’s little brother because she also had trouble opening her heart to love. She says that she wants to develop a relationship with Aaron Rodger’s little brother. They make out. You can almost hear both of their hearts opening up to each other while they sit on their couch. You can also see their back teeth. Aaron Rodger’s little brother just whipped that pigskin in double coverage and JoJo came down with it. It’s first and goal for love!
Alex is next to pull JoJo aside for some alone time. He tells JoJo that he’s here, ride or die. I don’t even know what that means. Other guys also talk to JoJo. How are you guys reading down this far? Are you being punished?
Some of the boyfriends hang out on a different couch. One of the guys I don’t know asks Chad why he pulled on Evan’s shirt. Chad says it was an accident. You guys, that’s a lie! I saw it! It wasn’t an accident! Chad tells everyone that he’s not a jerk.
Then, Evan joins the conversation and Chad confronts him. He tells Evan to leave him alone. Apparently, Evan has been cooking when Chad cooks and working out when Chad works out. Woah! I had no idea. I now see both sides of the story. It turns out Evan is the villain. Evan’s been provoking Chad with his cooking times! I’ve been so stupid not to see the truth.
The next date card arrives at the mansion. James Taylor gets the final one-on-one date. It’s not that James Taylor. It’s a different James Taylor.
We’re back at the group date. Keep up! For the second time, Chad tries to interrupt another guy’s alone time with JoJo. How dare he interfere when his girlfriend is talking to another guy? What a jerk.
When Chad gets his alone time, he explains what happened between him and Evan. He totally lies to JoJo! I yell out, “He’s lying JoJo! He’s a jerk!” but JoJo can’t hear me. This is JoJo from the past because this episode has already been recorded. I’ll bet if present day JoJo was in the room with me, she’d listen.
Evan interrupts Chad’s alone time. Villains gotta vil. Chad calls Evan Gary Oldman from ‘The Fifth Element’ and I have to admit that I laughed. Evan looks a lot like Gary Oldman in ‘The Fifth Element’.
Evan lays down an ultimatum. He tells JoJo that he’s leaving if Chad isn’t sent home. JoJo tells him that she needs some time to think about it. Then, she kisses Evan on the cheek. That’s a sure sign that she doesn’t need to think about it. She’s not into Gary Oldman.
After the commercial, ABC doesn’t show us the moon. Things are getting serious. JoJo grabs the group date rose and pulls Evan aside. ABC makes you think that she won’t give him a rose. See, there’s something Evan didn’t think about when he gave his ultimatum. He didn’t think about the ABC lawyers who are forcing JoJo to keep Chad on the show because of the fake drama he adds to their bullshit program.
Just when you think JoJo is sending Evan home, she tells him that she’s not sending Chad home, but she still wants Evan to accept the rose. He does. So, Evan has no backbone. He gave JoJo an ultimatum and didn’t stand up to it. Good luck with that, Evan! Let that be a lesson to you kids at home, when you give your girlfriend an ultimatum, follow it through. If you don’t, you’ll be posing for pictures at Sears wearing matching denim outfits.
Chad doesn’t seem super happy when Evan returns with a rose. His face looks like volcano. JoJo stops talking and asks Chad if he has a problem. Chad laughs at her for keeping Evan. JoJo yells at Chad for being disrespectful, but does NOT send him home. I know I joke a lot here, but I’m totally right about the lawyer thing. She’s not allowed to send him home.
Furthermore, it’s pretty obvious that Evan has also been planted to stir crap up because there’s no way JoJo would keep him around. It’s a game show. It’s a game show guised as cheesy romance. It’s stupid. I hate this show.
To further the stupidity, the next day ABC puts a fake security guard in the mansion because Chad is such a powder keg. At one point, Chad and the Canadian are talking and the security guy steps between them. The security guard excuses himself. We hear this because the security guard is fully mic’d. You gotta make sure, when a guy is securing a mansion, that he’s fully mic’d, otherwise you wouldn’t hear him securing things! What good is security if you can’t hear it happening?? Why the hell don’t you guys answer my questions?
Next, JoJo and James Taylor (not that one) dress up like they’re from the 60’s and go to a hotel. This date is more fun. I’m having so much fun, you guys!
They meet a couple of old people at a hotel. They’re gonna learn how to dance. We’re gonna watch them swing dance. We watch it. There is 7 minutes of swing dancing. I miss the fake fighting.
After all the dancing, JoJo equates dancing to relationships. It’s profound. She should write for Reader’s Digest. James chokes up and almost cries when he talks about how much fun he had. He’s really nice. I wonder if he’s too nice to win this.
Back at the mansion, Chad sits on a couch with his Canadian friend and eats a raw sweet potato. The Canadian tells him to be less like Hitler and more like Mussolini. It’s sound advice. I hope all you kids reading this will be less like Hitler and more like Mussolini. It’s the least you can do.
JoJo and James Taylor (not that one) talk about how they had such a good time dancing. That’s right, we’re back to their date. Keep up! JoJo talks about how nice James Taylor is. James Taylor admits that he’s done some bad things in his life. He tells her about how he used to get teased for being ugly when he was younger. So, James Taylor’s idea of doing bad things is being an ugly kid. This guy is definitely too good to win. He’s going to get eaten alive in the Fantasy Suite. You gotta perform in those Fantasy Suites. It’s no time for kitty cats. Bachelorettes need tigers.
JoJo gives James Taylor (not that one) a rose. Then he pulls out his guitar. JoJo acts super surprised that he has a guitar, because it wasn’t being held off camera by a Bachelorette intern while they were talking. James Taylor was just hiding a guitar in his pocket all day! After James Taylor (not that one) plays his song, he makes out with JoJo. My wife cheers because she didn’t think he had the stones to make a move. Maybe James Taylor does have some stones. I wish him luck trying to make it as a singer/songwriter named James Taylor. No big shoes to fill there. That should be easy.
When we get back from commercial, we get to see Chad lift more weights. It’s important. I had no idea that the weight lifting happened, but luckily ABC got video footage of the weight lifting. Now, no one can say it didn’t happen.
The cocktail party is supposed to be next, but it’s not! Chris Harrison announces that the cocktail party has been cancelled…and replaced BY A POOL PARTY! You guys, this show has no rules!
As Chris Harrison is leaving, Evan pulls him aside to tell him how much of a villain Chad is. Evan tells Chris Harrison how Chad ripped his shirt and punched a door. Evan is too stupid to realize that Chris Harrison not only saw the shirt ripping and door punching on a television monitor as it happened, but he also orchestrated it and planned for it to happen with a group of writers, producers and lawyers.
Chris Harrison pulls Chad aside and asks him politely not to kill anyone. He tells Chad that, if he doesn’t be nice, he’s going home. Chad agrees. It’s agree-ey! As Chad walks back into the mansion, ABC plays murder music. Chad talks about all of the people he’s going to murder.
This episode closes with preview footage that is unrepresentative of actual events. Another recap coming tomorrow. Please stop reading these and, for the love of God, don’t watch this show. I can feel it going away soon. It has to stop eventually.