Face it people, they’ve got you by the balls! Dumb Thing 1 – “Heavy Call Volume” Every call to Time Warner Cable customer service yields the same message. “We’re sorry, due to…

Face it people, they’ve got you by the balls!

Dumb Thing 1 – “Heavy Call Volume”


Every call to Time Warner Cable customer service yields the same message.

“We’re sorry, due to HEAVY CALL VOLUME customer wait times may be longer than normal.”

If you’re telling me that wait times are always longer than normal, it’s clear that you’re not familiar with the definition of the word “normal.” Perhaps I should start sending you invoices for my time wasted on hold. Twenty minutes? You receive a bill for ten bucks. Sounds fair. Or, maybe just stop sucking so your customers aren’t constantly clogging your phone lines.

Dumb Thing 2 – “Turn Off Your Modem to Make it Work Again”

So, I finally get a live person on the line only to receive this sage advice:

“Turn off your modem and router for 30 seconds and then turn it on again.”

What portion of my bill goes to staffing your army of “uhh, I guess maybe turn it off for a little while” technology wizards?

Dumb Thing 3 – “My Bill”

I’m paying $189.71 each month for cable and internet so I’m the dumb one here but here are three more points of anger:

  1. I’m paying for something called “Starter TV” AND something called “Standard TV”. What does that even mean?
  2. I’m paying $3.27 for “The Guide”… yes, the f***ing channel guide. Just below that, I’m paying $3.27 for “The Guide” AGAIN. I know you’re robbing me but now you’re rubbing it in.
  3. You have the balls to tell me to “enjoy” the $16.54 I saved this month while your “itemized” bill doesn’t show me any savings whatsoever. Using a bold blue font doesn’t automatically make something true. I’m half-surprised you don’t just keep my sixteen bucks in exchange for five more channel guides.

Dumb Thing 4 – “It’s Gone”

“Oh, you wanted to watch the Sabres game on MSG tonight? Nope. The station doesn’t work and we don’t know when it will be back. Is there anything else we can help you with? No? Great! Thanks for calling Time Warner Cable and have a nice day!”

You can’t even tack on the word “sorry”?

Also, thanks for all the options on the screen. “Your channel isn’t here. Is that a) OK or b) OK?”

As always, TWC, I guess it’s gonna have to be “OK.”

Dumb Thing 5 – “The Lower My Bill Dance”

It’s rumored that if you call TWC and threaten to change providers, they’ll lower your bill to keep you on board. They might even give you one of those sweet “new customers only” deals that nobody is actually qualified to receive.

Can we just grow up already? I’m not interested in playing these games.

Listen TWC, I’ve paid you more than $20,000 over the past ten years. How about you call me and offer to take one or both of the channel guide charges off my bill? I’m currently experiencing lighter volume than normal so you’ll get right through.

Bonus Dumb Thing – “Not Breaking Up With Cable”


I admit it. I’m guilty and I’m dumb. I still pay Time Warner Cable way too much money for a bunch of programming I’ll never watch.

Between satellite dishes and streaming technology, there seem to be plenty of plausible options out there but it’s too much of hassle to figure it all out. I’m bundled for life. You win, TWC… you a**holes.


  1. Couldn’t be more true. Our cable & internet bill this month came to $162 since a 12-month “promotional price” they offered us expired. I’ve also noticed that TWC is very vague when you ask them to specify some of these charges. They’ll tell you a Variety Pass is something that’s REQUIRED to get certain channels, so you can’t cancel it. If that’s the case, why even present it as a separate charge?
    Also, “starter TV” covers up to channel 22/23, standard is up to 70ish.
    Best part is when you threaten to cancel digital cable or some of your other ~excess charges, they say “Well, you wouldn’t really be saving much money by just cancelling that part………” But in this economy, every dollar counts and I’m sorry TWC, but you shouldn’t be taking THAT much of our money for below-high-quality service. It’s absolutely ridiculous.

  2. We dumped TWC after years of aggravation. Went to DirecTV…and they had NO ISSUE with putting the dish on our 2 1/2 story roof. Sounds like you got a crappy installer. Call back and complain, they’ll likely hook you up and give you a month for free, they’re great on customer service!

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  4. I left Time Warner over the summer for Basic-internet.com.  I now pay half price for the same internet service I got with TW.   When I called to tell them I was leaving, they offered me a TV/internet package that cost more than I was already paying.  They actually cut me off because I had a 30 day late bill for $11, but i previously had a two month late bill for 3x that amount.  When I asked why, they told me that was their new policy.  So I owed $11, they changed the policy, cut me off withinn 30 days, not giving me a chance to pay it off to avoid the shut off.  When I asked the tech who turned me off why, he told me that was happening to a lot of people.  Good riddance.

  5. Wow, this is one of the STUPIDEST articles I’ve ever seen. 
    Let’s see where you go wrong:
    #1: Most of the time you can get right through to Time Warner. There are instances where there is an outage, and there is heavy volume, but most of the time, you can get through right away.
    #2: 80% of connectivity issues are resolved by rebooting the modem and/or router. It’s not a science, but most internet users are very novice and don’t know that rebooting fixes most issues.
    #3: ‘The Guide’ is not a channel. It’s the guide that provides you with the program information. If it wasn’t for that, you couldn’t set recordings. If you’re being double-billed for it, then you complain to have it removed. It should only be charged once.
    #4: If the channel is not coming in. Don’t bitch about it. Check to see if it’s blacked out, if you’re having box issues, or if the channel is experiencing difficulties as a whole. Please look at #2… REBOOT.
    #5: You can call into retention if you want to complain about your bill. They will offer you deals to help lower it, but they’re not going to pull a Comcast & beg you to stay. They will find combined packages for a full year that can give you more for less. 
    I hope this article was tongue & cheek because if not, you are clearly stupid.

  6. Are you kidding me? I could tear apart most of your comment but did you really defend the charging for the guide? That’s a standard part of the service being provided not some add-on your choosing to receive. It’s just another way to bilk more money and say “hey you’re paying for the great guide too”.
    That’s like saying “here is a charge for using the color blue on your screen” or how about a 2.50 charge for having wireless controllers!

  7. darakers Really… without The Guide, you got no program information, no way to tell your DVR what show to record, and no way to search for programming. Look at TiVo. You can use their box without a subscription, but you will get no programming information. You have to dump $14.95 a MONTH for their subscription for its main features including their own guide on top of what you’re paying your cable company. 
    Your analogy is stupid. You also do pay for additional remote controls if you look closely at your fees. How about you look at reality instead of “waah, they’re charging me for breathing” “waaah, my service fees are too high. I’m just going to complain about it all day instead of looking at alternatives”. That’s how stupid you sound. They’re not a monopoly and they’re not the only game in town.

  8. Rodney Copperbottom I’m aware of how a guide works, thanks. That doesn’t mean it isn’t a core part of the service/product being provided. Do they give you an option to use the service without “The Guide”? Can you turn that “Add-On” off? Do any other cable/television providers give you access to their service without a guide or a way to search their service? Maybe it’s not worth the $3.27 a month, maybe I know what channels I want to watch.
    And your comment about Time Warner not being a monopoly is laughable. Buffalo has an exclusive contract with Time Warner for 90% of it’s neighborhoods. If you want a non-dish option you HAVE to go through Time Warner as Verizon isn’t an available option. 
    And before you go to “Well you just don’t like paying Time Warner for breathing” again or say it’s because I’m bitter that I can’t get fios I’ll throw out there that I’m not a Time Warner customer. I just think the nickle and diming (by most companies, though TW is by far the worst) sucks.

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