Home is where the heart is. And this week, home is also the place your four girlfriends bring you so you can meet their families. Also, those families have been…

Home is where the heart is. And this week, home is also the place your four girlfriends bring you so you can meet their families. Also, those families have been provoked by ABC producers to act aggressive, weird and/or embarrassing. It’s the worst thing on television. It’s ‘The Bachelor’!

Ben Higgins has four girlfriends left, Caila, Amanda, 4th Lauren and Jo Jo. He is visiting their hometowns so that we may be properly annoyed. ABC cameras will set up in the homes of the girlfriends and film people arguing, eating and questioning the sincerity of dating on television.

We start with footage of Ben sitting on a beach while thinking. This guy could think anywhere, he’s so good at it. Ben says, “It’s time to bring the families into this.” I’ve been sitting her for weeks screaming, “It’s time to bring the families into this” but no one would listen to me.

Amanda has the first hometown date. They begin on a Laguna Beach beach and make out a little. Bachelor interns have set out a blanket to make the making out less sandy.

Amanda is worried about her two kids meeting Ben, so she coaches him on how to trick her kids into liking him. She says. “They love being chased.” Ben says, “I can do that.” They both draw up a game plan to win over the kids.

Amanda really misses the kids that she abandoned to be on TV, so she’s super emotional. She cries when some woman we’re not introduced to drops them off at the beach with the make-out blanket. I bet Amanda would miss her kids less if she didn’t leave them to live in a mansion and date a guy who was also dating 27 other women.

Amanda’s little girls are super cute. Ben plays with them in the sand while three camera men capture every move. It’s a really touching moment and not at all creepy. As planned, Ben chases the children on the beach. Ben picks them up and they seem nervous. Awko taco. It probably has nothing to do with the cameras or the strange man their mother hardly knows. Soft music plays because the Ben has bonded with Amanda’s girls. It’s bondy.

As they drive away from the beach, one of Amanda’s girls cries in the car. Ben says that it’s understandable because it’s been a big day. He’s such a gentleman! He gave the children permission to cry because of the gravity of the situation. I’ll feel bad for the girls when they have to go through one of the less serious days and it’s not okay to cry.

Next, we meet Amanda’s family. Her sister and parents and are there. Their house is really nice because poor-to-middle class people are not allowed to find love. They don’t deserve it.

The family is worried that Ben might not be ready for fatherhood. Amanda’s mom asks Ben if he’s ready and he says he wasn’t ready to be a father at first, but he is now because he spent 3 seconds with the kids. Soft music plays as Ben talks about the three seconds he spent with Amanda’s daughters. Amanda’s mom has seen enough and is ready to give her daughter to Ben.

The dad doesn’t take it easy on Ben. He tells Ben that having kids is tough because you can’t go to the gym or hang out with your buddies as much. ABC plays dramatic “You can’t hang with your buddies as much” music while dad grills Ben. It’s grilley. Ben accepts the truth. We watch the truth get accepted by Ben.

When the grilling is over, Ben and Amanda take the girls to bed. He reads them a story. It’s another touching moment. I’m sure the girls are not at all emotionally scarred by the camera guys capturing their bedtime story. I always get mad at my parents for not having ABC cameras in my bedroom more. I wish my mom had disregarded my privacy so she could date a guy on TV who was also dating 27 other women and drag that man into my bedroom with a camera crew, a boom mic operator, two producers and a make-out blanket intern. Some kids are so lucky!

Next, we go to Portland to meet 4th Lauren’s family. Ben and 4th Lauren visit some food trucks to eat lunch in Portland. 4th Lauren is happy and tells the camera that this is just a normal date with her boyfriend. I know, on my normal dates, I usually pause halfway through to tell a camera what I’m thinking.

Ben and 4th Lauren visit a whiskey library. It’s like a regular library but there are whiskey bottles on the shelves instead of books. It must be owned by an alcoholic. They sit on a couch and talk about how much fun they’re having. We watch it. It totally does look like fun. 4th Lauren is nervous because she loves Ben but hasn’t told him yet. I bet he’ll be happy to hear that she told millions of Americans before she told him.

Next, we meet 4th Lauren’s family and her 18-year old dog that will probably die on camera. The family makes Ben feel welcome. 4th Lauren’s hot sister pulls Ben aside first. I hope so bad he makes out with her.

5th Lauren asks Ben about their relationship. He says words. We listen to them. 5th Lauren asks Ben why 4th Lauren should feel special when there are 3 other girls also getting hometown dates. Ben basically says that dating someone on TV means sharing that someone. It’s honest. While Ben is talking about 4th Lauren and how much he cares about her, he starts crying. 5th Lauren falls for it and hugs Ben. Ben gets all up on that sweet sisterness. Good job, Ben.

4th and 5th Lauren talk in the other room. 5th asks if 4th is in love with Ben and 4th says that she is in love with Ben. ABC plays “4th Lauren is in love with Ben” music. You know it’s official when ABC plays the music. The sisters hug, so 4th Lauren also gets some of that sweet sister bod. I’ve been drinking. Thanks, Consumer’s! (Consumer’s Beverages is Buffalo’s Beer Store!)


4th Lauren’s dad sits down with Ben. Dad tells Ben that he dated his wife for years before getting married. He wonders how Ben could possibly marry 4th Lauren with so little time spent together. God! What a killjoy! Ben continues to get grilled by 4th Lauren’s dad. ABC plays “Ben is getting grilled” music. It’s grilley. Why can’t 4th Lauren’s dad just accept the fact that his daughter wants to be on TV and stop worrying about her welfare so much?

Dad pulls 4th Lauren aside and grills her too. He tells his daughter to be realistic because there are 3 other girlfriends involved in this love quad. 4th Lauren’s dad is super smart. He should be the President of the United States of America.

Twelve seconds after getting grilled, Ben and 4th Lauren make out in the driveway of her parents’ home. 4th Lauren never told Ben that she loves him. Now, she may never get to tell him. Let this be a lesson to all of you out there; if you see Ben, tell him you love him.

Our joyride travels to Hudson, Ohio to meet Caila and her family. Ben is excited because Caila is one of his girlfriends. They meet in town and kiss in that town while we watch on our televisions. Caila is nervous because she told Ben that she could hurt him last week. She hopes to not talk about hurting Ben this week. We’ll see what happens.


It’s a Ben-ch! Get it?

Caila takes Ben to a bench. She tells Ben that she’s always wanted to take a guy to this bench and that he should feel lucky to be taken to it. They sit on the bench and make out on the bench. Now I know what she’s talking about. That’s some bench!

After they sit on the bench and talk for three minutes, they go to the toy factory Caila’s dad runs to make a toy house. This show moves at breakneck speeds! Caila tells the camera how excited she will be to make out with Ben in their toy house. It’s not at all weird.

Ben and Caila design and manufacture a toy house. I wonder if he had to join a labor union? The toy house comes out looking great. ABC will probably charge a million dollars for it. When they’re done with the slave labor, Ben carries Caila out of the toy factory while ABC plays “Ben’s gonna do Caila in a toy house” music. It’s a lot like the opening to Laverne and Shirley.

Caila brings Ben to her parents’ house. Caila looks exactly like her mom. They’re almost twins. The resemblance is twincredible. Caila’s mom explains Filipino culture. I wasn’t ready to learn tonight, so I’m pretty dismayed about the lesson.

Caila’s dad lays into Ben. He jokes about how Ben is dating a bunch of girls and asks, “What’s it like having what I like to call Microwave Fame?” Caila’s dad should work in a hospital ward, because he’s all about sick burns.

Caila’s mom pulls Ben aside to ask Ben about his attraction to her daughter. Ben explains why he is attracted to Caila. After every syllable Ben speaks, Caila’s mom makes a “mm-hmm” noise. It’s really annoying. She makes the noise every three seconds. I don’t like Caila’s mom.

Caila talks with her dad. She asks her dad if it’s okay to be in love with Ben. Caila’s dad says that it’s okay. He believes that his daughter is in love. Then, he tells the camera that his daughter has a good chance of getting dumped.

Caila tells her mom that she’s in love. Her mother is supportive. She tells Caila to tell Ben that she’s in love with him so she doesn’t miss out on her chance. See, you jerks have already missed your chance to tell Ben you love him because Caila is going to do it first. Idiots.

Caila takes Ben down to the driveway to make out with him. They make out. We watch it. Caila puts Ben in the car without telling him she loves him! Why didn’t she tell him she loves him? No one is telling Ben that they love him! What the hell is the matter with this country?

Next, we travel to Dallas, Texas. Keep up! Jo Jo will introduce Ben to her family. She tells the camera that Ben is everything she has been looking for. When she gets home, she finds that Ben has left her flowers and a love note at the door. Jo Jo is super excited and begins to read the love note. ABC plays happy “Jo Jo has a love note” music.

Three sentences in, Jo Jo stops reading. This note is not from Ben. It’s from Jo Jo’s ex and he wants her back. The music changes to “Haha, jerks! We tricked you. The note is from Jo Jo’s ex” sinister music. Jo Jo gets upset and slams the note down. She says, “I don’t want to read this.” ABC zooms in on the signature to show that the note is from some guy named Chad.

ABC wants Ben to find love. They want Ben to find love so bad that they stage a fake scene in which one of his girlfriends gets flowers and a note from her ex on the very day she’s supposed to introduce Ben to her family.

Cameras capture Jo Jo pacing back and forth in her apartment, crying over the note from her ex. She’s really upset. ABC gives her space and decides not to film her in an uncomfortable moment. Nah, just kidding! They zoom in on her face and then show her calling her ex on the phone!

What follows is absolute bullshit. Jo Jo talks to her boyfriend on speakerphone. It’s not a real conversation because this is all being staged to make a shitty show appear more interesting. We know it’s fake because Jo Jo’s ex picks up the phone on the first ring. People don’t answer their phones.

Jo Jo’s ex doesn’t want Jo Jo back. He’s reading from a script. He tells her that he now knows what love is and Jo Jo showed him what love is. I want to know what love is! I want Jo Jo to show me!

Now, you guys aren’t going to believe this but, as Jo Jo is talking on the phone with her ex-boyfriend, Ben shows up to take her on the hometown date! This is just terrible timing. Jo Jo has the worst luck. What are the odds of a Reality TV show boyfriend arriving to your home with a camera crew just as you’re inside with a camera crew talking on speaker phone to your ex-boyfriend who wants you back???!!! Those are some long odds!

Ben is confused and wants to know why Jo Jo is crying. She explains the unbelievable (and that’s just what we have to call it, folks, because it’s absolutely unbelievable) thing that just happened. Ben’s face is all shocked because it’s unbelievable. He really just can’t believe it. You guys couldn’t believe it either, admit it!

Jo Jo explains to Ben that she cares about him and doesn’t care for her ex. She says that she only made the phone call to end things with her ex. Wait, if he’s an ex, weren’t things already ended? Can you re-end things? Is Chad now an ex-ex? This is heavy.

After talking about her ex-ex, Jo Jo thanks Ben for his understandingness and makes out with him. I’d understand anything for a girl who makes out with me. I’d be so understandingey!

Jo Jo takes Ben Ben to meet her family family. When Ben and Jo Jo walk in, there’s a bunch of screaming. Jo Jo’s family is really loud. They seem drunk. Jo Jo’s dad’s name is Joe. Joe named his daughter Jo Jo. Does she have a younger brother named Joe Joe? If Ben and Jo Jo have kids, would they have to name the kids Ben Ben Jo Jo Joe?

The family eats on TV. Jo Jo’s mom asks Ben where he sees himself in a couple of years. Ben attempts to predict the future. He says that he likes where he lives now, but he’s willing to move to a different city. You guys were willing to move to a different city too, admit it!

Jo Jo’s brothers start in on Ben. They tell the camera that they’re super protective of their sister. If you’re new to ‘The Bachelor’, there’s usually a brother or sister who is paid by ABC to be confrontational and ruin their sister’s chances at dating a Reality TV boyfriend for 3 months. It’s a Bachelor tradition.

Ben gets pulled into the other room so they can yell at Ben. They ask Ben if he’s going to hurt Jo Jo. Ben says that he doesn’t know because there’s a lot of time left in the season. That’s how love works, you guys. You can’t love a girl until the season is over. The brothers are skeptical of Ben. The music is skeptically.

Meanwhile, in the other room, Jo Jo talks with her mom. She tells her mom that she’s afraid of getting hurt. Her mom says, “You won’t.” Jo Jo says, “But, there are 3 other girls.” Her mom says, “Oh.” That really happened.

Jo Jo’s dad puts Ben on a couch to grill him. This couch is much different than the bench Ben was on earlier. There’s much less making out. It’s less magical. Jo Jo’s dad asks Ben how he can know who he loves. Ben says he doesn’t know. When Jo Jo’s dad talks, he sounds a little like Mr. Rogers. This hometown date is weird.

Jo Jo’s brothers pull her aside to talk to her. They question whether or not she’s capable of loving a guy she has only dated a couple times. These guys are smart. The music is dramatic. Jo Jo tells them to love Ben because he’s great. One of Jo Jo’s brothers says, “You need to guard your heart.” I wonder if these brothers know Casey Mumbles from the Ali season.

Ben walks into the kitchen. One of the brothers is talking about how Ben brainwashes women. Jo Jo’s mom drinks wine directly out of the bottle. The brothers think Ben is full of it. They think their sister is getting worked over by a smooth talker. These guys rule. They want to protect their sister and think Ben is coached on his answers to their questions. Ben argues that he hasn’t been coached. You guys, that’s exactly what someone who has been coached would say! He’s so been coached!

Ben explains that he does have feelings and feels stuff. Jo Jo’s dad thanks him for being honest and accepts Ben as sincere. Jo Jo’s dad is not as smart as his sons. The apples fell above the tree.

When the uncomfortable truth-finding machine is done churning, Ben takes Jo Jo outside to get his hands on the goods. They talk about the hometown date and reassure each other of their lust. Ben and Jo Jo make out. Ben admits to the camera that he isn’t sure about Jo Jo because her family is smart and honest. You never want to marry into a situation like that.

The rose ceremony is next. ABC makes everyone fly back to LA and get dressed up. I wasn’t sure if Ben was going to keep Jo Jo around, but her dress is 90% boobs, so I like her odds more now. Chris Harrison can’t even be bothered to welcome the girls to the rose ceremony. They’re all un-welcomed. How are you supposed to get a rose or get dumped if Chris Harrison isn’t there?

Ben walks in the room crying. This guy cries almost as much as he thinks. How does he do it? Ben gives a speech about meeting families and caring about four girlfriends. Then, he dumps one of them. Right as he’s about to give out his last rose, Chris Harrison comes out of nowhere and announces that there’s only one rose as if we were all unable to count to four.

Ben dumps Amanda and her kids. He must have really hated those kids. I mean, he liked Amanda and wanted to date her, but he dumped her right after meeting her kids. Those kids must have been terrible to be around. They were probably the worst kids ever.

Amanda gets walked out by Ben. She says that it’s okay that he dumped her, but she wishes he didn’t make her fly to LA to get dumped. It’s the greatest point ever made on the history of this show. Ben tells Amanda that she’s the most genuine and authentic girl he’s ever known. It’s so clear that her terrible kids were the problem. I mean, they ruined everything for Amanda. I hope they’re happy. I hope they watch this back so they can learn how wrong their existence is. I’m being sarcastic to explain why you probably shouldn’t date a guy on TV and you definitely shouldn’t push cameras into your two-year old girls’ faces so they can re-live their mom’s dumping for the rest of their lives and question whether or not it was their fault. But, I’m not an expert. I don’t even work for ABC.

After dumping Amanda, Ben cries by a fountain. It’s a metaphor, I think. Who cares.

Next week, ABC gives Ben a fantasy suite so he can sleep with his three girlfriends and then dump one of them.

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