Tonight, Ben Higgins will sleep with all three of his girlfriends and then dump one of them. ABC provides Ben with a fancy room in which to sleep with his girlfriends. They even take the time to write out a romantic invitation to the sex-havin’ party. It’s a serious point in any multi-girlfriend relationship. It’s pretty much prostitution. It’s ‘The Bachelor’.
We’re in Jamaica. Keep up! Ben is excited about his stay in Jamaica. He says “You never know what is going to happen.” I know what’s going to happen because I’ve watched more than 20 seasons of this show. Nothing. Nothing will happen. Ben does say that Jamaica is the perfect place to fall in love, so there’s that. I almost wasn’t sure if Jamaica was the right place to fall in love, but Ben set me straight.
Next, Ben does some thinking. He stands on a Jamaican balcony to think. He also sits on a Jamaican chair and thinks. We’re 30 seconds in and he’s already thinking a ton. It’s thinky.
Next, Ben thinks about his three girlfriends. He thinks about Caila while ABC shows us footage of Calia. We watch it. We then see footage of 4th Lauren and, you’re not going to believe this, Ben thinks about her too. Ben thinks about Jo Jo and I’m all, “Wait! Who is he thinking about?” But, ABC shows footage of Jo Jo so I’m all, “He’s totally thinking about Jo Jo!” ABC includes footage of Jo Jo’s brothers being protective of their sister last week and ABC plays sinister brother music. You gotta feel like that’s gonna come back to haunt Jo Jo. We may never know. Unless of course Ben has sex with Jo Jo and then dumps her this episode, then we’ll know.
After Ben thinks, we get to see the girlfriends sit around their Jamaican hotel rooms and think. They’re thinking the hell out of some thoughts. Caila even sits on a balcony and thinks. She gets fantasy points. So much thinking. Imagine if these people had jobs. They’d get so much done, what with their thinking skills and such.
As he’s talking about his journey to find love, ABC producers make Ben climb a hill. He’s wearing some crotchy shorts and a bright pink shirt. It’s uncomfortable to watch, just like everything else on this show.
Caila gets the first date. Ben meets Caila in Jamaica and they make out immediately. While Ben tells the camera how deep his relationship with Caila is, his tongue is four feet down her throat. It’s a metaphor.
Ben and Caila jump on a boat steered by George Clinton. It’s a tiny raft-like boat that is somehow equipped with four different cameras. There is also a separate boat being paddled right next to their boat that contains a bunch of camera men who capture this romantic moment. We get footage of this important conversation.
Ben: “Are you relaxing?” Caila: “Yeah”
Ben: “Is everything else good?” Caila: “Everything is good.”
Ben: “This is weird.” Caila: “It’s weird but it’s fun.”
Ben: “This is weird, but it’s gonna be awesome.” Caila: “So awesome!”
Ben: “Are you excited for today?” Caila: “Yeah.”
Then, they make out. I hope you were able to follow that.
Caila wants to tell Ben she loves him and she’s nervous about doing it. She’s been crying about this for two weeks. It’s like, change the record, Caila! We’ve heard this song and dance before, am I right, guys? I’m totally right.
After a pointless raft ride, Ben and Caila meet up in a different part of Jamaica to make out. They’re under a tree or something. Ben brings Caila out from under the tree to a table so they can not eat the food prepared for them.
Ben tells Caila that she has been acting weird all day. Caila admits that she was weird. It’s a good thing she does admit that because I was just about to yell out, “Yeah, Caila has been super weird all day!” Caila tells Ben that she’s having trouble dealing with Ben’s other girlfriends and she’s been holding emotions in. She says that she’s ready to stop holding emotions in. She’s ready to tell Ben she loves him. I freak out because I’m totally not ready to hear it. Caila says it anyway. She tells Ben that she’s in love with him. As she’s telling Ben she loves him, 4,000 Jamaican frogs scream in the background. Ben doesn’t say anything. He just makes out with her. If you’re new to the show, the Bachelor isn’t allowed to say “I love you.” It’s against the rules. Women aren’t allowed to know whether or not the men they love love them back.
Ben hands Caila Chris Harrison’s personal invitation to have sex with Ben. Caila accepts the sex invitation to the Fantasy Suite. As they make out to celebrate the sex agreement, fireworks explode in the sky. It’s the most romantic thing I’ve seen all night. Ben brings Caila into their sex suite. He closes the door so that the camera guys can’t capture them having sex.
It’s the next morning. Keep up! Ben and Caila make out on a porch as she tells him she loves him seventy thousand times. Caila has gone from not being able to tell Ben she loves him to never ever shutting up about it. I miss the old Caila.
With the smell of Caila’s parts fresh on his crotch, Ben picks up 4th Lauren for her Jamaican date. 4th Lauren is also super nervous because she hasn’t told Ben she loves him yet. This show has been 30 minutes of women not telling Ben they love him. How is this still on television?
Ben brings 4th Lauren onto a bigger boat. He must like 4th Lauren better than Caila, if you go by boat size. They land on an island and are greeted by some guy with a beard. Beard dude tells the couple that they are going to help release sea turtles into the wild. Ben and 4th Lauren fill a bucket with tiny baby sea turtles. Then, they wash off the turtles and direct them into the ocean. Is this ethical? Aren’t sea turtles supposed to be able to do this on their own? I don’t approve of this sea turtle interference. Or, should I say, in-TUR-ference! I totally nailed that one! Why do you read these?
4th Lauren talks about how sea turtles can live to be 100 years old and then she says that she hopes her relationship with Ben can last 100 years. I look around for something poisonous to eat. 4th Lauren is an idiot. She’s already in her 20’s! So, her and Ben are supposed to stay together until their 120? That’s disgusting. Who would want to date a 120 year old? Luckily, they won’t last three weeks.
After releasing turtles, Ben and 4th Lauren sit on a blanket and talk. Keep up! Ben tells 4th Lauren how much he likes her family. You guys liked her family too, admit it. Ben says that 4th Lauren is too good for him because she’s smart and sweet. 4th Lauren says that she feels like Ben is too good for her. How can they both be too good for each other? It’s a paradox. Ben and 4th Lauren make out and then jump into the ocean for more making out. I hope the sea turtles got away by then.
4th Lauren still hasn’t told Ben that she loves him. She tells the camera that she hopes she can find the words. Um, Lauren, the words are “I love you.” Boy, if Ben thinks that 4th Lauren is too smart for him, he must be some kind of drooling nose picker.
4th Lauren and Ben witness a Jamaican street concert. Then, they sit down to not eat. No wonder these people are all so thin. Ben and 4th Lauren talk about how cool this date has been. So far, the date has only been them talking about how cool the date is. That, and some making out.
4th Lauren explains why she’s been so guarded. It’s the same crap Caila was saying. Ben worries that she’s not totally into him because of all her guardedness. She says, “Ben, oh my gosh.” Ben understands. It’s understandy. After that, Ben whips out the Chris Harrison sex invitation. ABC makes it seem like 4th Lauren won’t accept the sex invite, but she does. Ben and 4th Lauren drink champagne to celebrate their inevitable sex.
4th Lauren tells Ben that she loves him. She says, “I am completely in love with you.” So, she used even more words than she had to! She even keeps talking after that, stuff about Ben being perfect. I hope you’re sitting down because Ben responds by saying, “I know that I’ve been in love with you for awhile.” Holy shit! This show has no rules! Ben’s not supposed to say the “L” word! He totally did! You can’t see it, but ABC lawyers are absolutely going nuts off camera. Ben and 4th Lauren make out a ton while “Ben loves 4th Lauren” music plays. Then, they keep telling each other they love each other. If I never hear the word love for the rest of my life it will be too soon. Also, 7 solid minutes of making out.
In order to prepare for the sex he will have with 4th Lauren, Ben shuts the curtains to the Fantasy Suite. I’m not even kidding. He closes the curtains. It’s like the rapiest thing you could do. Could you imagine leading a girl you hardly know into a room and then closing the curtains? It’s like, “Hey, Imma close these curtains because I am absolutely going to have sex with you. No isn’t an option.” It’s a good thing they love each other. I wonder if their love will outlive the baby sea turtles they touched with their dirty fingers.
The next day, Ben brings 4th Lauren breakfast. ABC makes it a point to show us different articles of clothing strewn about the room. It’s like they’re saying, “She this shirt? It’s definitely not on a body! There was sex stuff happening in here, but we couldn’t show it because Ben closed the curtains!”
Ben and 4th Lauren tell each other they each other one hundred more times in case we missed it. They make out more. 4th Lauren also tells the camera that she loves Ben, in case we just walked in the room and missed those one hundred declarations of love.
Next, Ben sits on a balcony and thinks about Jo Jo. He says that telling 4th Lauren he loves her complicates things with Jo Jo, who has the third date. Well, Ben, it will definitely complicate things if you choose Jo Jo at the end and you watch this all back together.
Jo Jo runs to see Ben for her date. While running, her features are, um, apparent. It’s clear what Ben sees in Jo Jo. I see it, or them. Good wardrobe decisions, ABC.
Ben and Jo Jo get in A HELICOPTER!!!!!!! They travel to a super romantic waterfall. I can only see the waterfall for a couple of seconds because it’s so beautiful my eyes instantly tear up. It’s almost too beautiful. How could you get anything done near that waterfall?
Ben takes off his shirt so they can have some waterfall fun. Jo Jo also takes off more clothes. They jump into the water. Jo Jo doesn’t have to worry about sinking. Ben and Jo Jo sit on the waterfall and talk. Because it’s a waterfall, we can’t hear them. I think they talk about their relationship. I don’t really care. You didn’t even read down this far, so it doesn’t matter.
Jo Jo tells Ben she loves him. Ugh, this shit again. Jo Jo says it, like, seven times. Ben listens as she says it a couple more times. Then he says, “Jo Jo, I love you too.” SHUT UP! You guys, this show has zero rules. It’s so non-ruley!!!!! Scream! Jo Jo totally flips out because she knows the Bachelor isn’t allowed to say that he loves her. This should end well.
Ben tells the camera that he loves both women and can’t imagine saying goodbye to either of them. He’ll have a tough decision to make. At this point, I’d like to take a break from the recap to bring up the fact that he is now only talking about the two women he has declared his love for. Caila is pretty much out of the game, and I’m doubting this is a new development. I imagine Caila is gonna feel great watching this back and seeing how Ben used her for some free Fantasy Suite ab-rubbing when it was clear that she wasn’t getting past this point in the game show. Ben will need to draw the curtains on his shame.
We’re back to the show. Keep up! Jo Jo and Ben sit down to not eat food. They toast to their waterfall sit date. Their wine glasses can only be described as Olympic-sized. Jo Jo repeats that she loves Ben, in case we’ve passed out from the beauty of the waterfall and didn’t hear it the first sixty times.
Ben says that he’s not scared to tell Jo Jo that he loves her because he knows how he feels. Maybe Jo Jo and 4th Lauren can just both marry him. I mean, they’re not opposed to dating a guy who is dating 27 other women. It’s not that far of a stretch.
Ben asks Jo Jo about her family. He admits that he’s nervous about her brothers and how they were hard on him about dating dozens of women. Jo Jo says that her brothers were just being protective. Brothers can be like that. My brothers never let me date people who were also dating 27 other people. It ruined a lot of relationships for me.
Ben hands Jo Jo the Fantasy Suite sex invitation from Chris Harrison. I don’t like how Ben passes off these sex invitations like they’re from him and not from Chris Harrison. Chris Harrison worked very hard to have an intern write these invitations. He should get credit for them, or at the very least be allowed to hand the invitation to Jo Jo.
Ben brings Jo Jo into the sex room. They have an indoor pool and a bed. Both could be used for sex. To make sure I’m paying attention, ABC makes Jo Jo change into another bikini. This girls owns a lot of bikinis. She could have just worn the same one she had on for the waterfall scene! Why do Bachelor interns have to do double the laundry?
Jo Jo and Ben don’t even swim long. They’re in the pool for six seconds and then Ben pulls her into the bedroom so they can make out some more in front of Bachelor camera guys. Then, Ben closes the curtain. This guy and his curtains. I don’t approve of any of this.
It’s the next day and Ben and Jo Jo are having breakfast in bed together. This episode is never going to end. ABC plays soft, romantic music like they didn’t just orchestrate televised prostitution.
Ben and Jo Jo make out in bed with a camera three inches from their faces. We hear all the slurps. It’s disgusting. I almost wish Ben would close the curtains on this scene as well.
Ben and Jo Jo repeat the love crap again a couple more times. Then, he leaves to prepare to dump Caila. Ben wanders around Jamaica so we can see him think. He tells the camera that he doesn’t love Caila, even though he had a great night of having sex with her. He tells the camera that there’s something missing. It must be dignity.
ABC shows us footage of Caila thinking too. So much thinking. Caila tells the camera that she wants to see Ben again, so she jumps in a jeep to surprise him. It’s obvious to us all that ABC told her, “Hey, why not jump into a jeep to go see Ben? Here, take the jeep! Go see him! It’s not like he has anything to tell you. Take this map to his hotel! Have fun!” Jerks.
Caila sneaks up and surprises Ben at his hotel. She creeps up right behind him and kisses him, and he jumps because he’s totally surprised. He is surprised, even though there is a camera aimed directly at his face and another camera guy three feet away following Caila up the steps to the hotel patio where he’s sitting. I guess ABC said, “Hey Ben, we’re gonna get some footage of you sitting in this chair. Nothing surprising is going to happen, so don’t expect one of your girlfriends to drop by. That totally won’t happen.”
Ben and Caila hug. I jump a little because I totally didn’t expect Caila to be here. It’s a surprise. Ben tells the camera that he has to dump Caila now. He’s such a gentleman!
While he’s getting ready to dump her, Caila can tell something is wrong. She can almost hear the “Ben’s gonna dump Caila” music. ABC plays that music as Ben begins to dump Caila. We hear it. It’s dumpy.
Ben tells Caila that she is what he would describe as his perfect wife. I guess Ben sees a perfect wife as someone you have sex with and then dump. Ben tells Caila that he’s going to miss her and she gets upset. She says, “I’m just going to go.” It’s the right thing to do. Let that be a lesson to you kids out there, when someone dumps you, just get in the jeep.
Ben and Caila hug near her goodbye jeep. She tells him that she loves him one last time and then gets in the jeep. Just when you thought it was over and Ben was getting off easy, Caila jumps back out of her goodbye jeep and asks Ben if he knew this week that he was going to dump her. It’s a really good question.
Ben admits that all three of his girlfriends told him they love him. He says that he just kind of responded to them and he didn’t know he didn’t love Caila. I don’t believe him. Caila accepts Ben’s answer. It’s accepty. They hug. Ben says goodbye to Caila again. They better not have a damn rose ceremony.
Caila cries in her goodbye jeep. It’s a good thing ABC made her drive all the way over there to get dumped. They’re super nice. Caila can’t talk because she’s crying so hard. It’s awko taco.
Ben tells the camera, “Caila is incredible and I hope I didn’t make a mistake.” Ben’s kind of a big jerk.
Caila eventually talks and says that she was ready to get married to Ben. She says that her purpose in life is to love people and she doesn’t know why she hasn’t found the right one yet. Maybe she shouldn’t look on game shows where she gets four seconds to make an impression on a guy who is dating 27 other women, but I don’t know. I’m not Jamaican.
Caila is dumped and there are only two girlfriends left, so the episode should be over. But, it’s not. ABC makes us watch more. Jo Jo and 4th Lauren go to some Jamaican place to hug Chris Harrison and act like there’s going to be a rose ceremony. Chris Harrison leads them to the fake rose ceremony without telling them that there is no rose ceremony. This is all very stupid. It’s not our fault that their stupid show doesn’t have any content. We shouldn’t have to sit through pointless rose ceremonies. Life is so unfair.
Ben comes out and lets them know that he dumped Caila. He makes it clear that Caila is gone. Then, he hands out the roses, one by one. There’s even a pause in between each rose. This is the biggest waste of my time since school.
After the fake ceremony, Ben brings in both girls for a giggly group hug. It’s so creepy. They all laugh together and talk about how happy they all are, dating together. It’s incredibly cult-like. Where do they find these women? They have to be insane. It’s the only explanation.
Next week, it’s my least favorite episode, The Women Tell All. All of Ben’s girlfriends get one last chance to be on TV. We watch it. It happens. I hate this show.