In case you weren’t near a window of your Facebook timeline yesterday, Buffalo received the first snowfall of the season. It’s a big moment. The air is filled with the automotive vulgarity of people who hate the people who try to take their time driving through the elements. Public Service Announcement: If you try to drive slowly in the snow to preserve the well-being of your loved ones, people hate you for it. Stop being cautious. Floor it.
Anyway, you can’t go to the beach or the Drive-in anymore so you’re going to need something to do in the cold. I’ve written a handy list for snow-goers. Here’s my winter-time fun event list.
Sledding/ Skiing/ Snowboarding
People seem to like these things. They’re all pretty cold. I can’t afford two of them and, the last time I went sledding, I got bronchitis. Also, snow gets into your pants during most of this.
Going to the Mall
Malls used to be more fun when they had arcades. What happened to arcades? Oh, yeah. The arcades are in our pockets. We text people with arcades.
Watching the Weather Channel to see when more snow is coming
It’s coming, you know.
Talking about whether or not it’s going to snow
This is especially fun to do when you’re getting a haircut. You can bring up the topic if the person cutting your hair doesn’t bring it up first. One of you asks if the other thinks there will be a lot of snow this winter and the other one answers. My favorite response is, “Well we didn’t get it that bad last year so I think it’ll be worse this year.”
I think I’m really good at naturally moving my head while I’m getting a haircut. I’ve got good instincts. This is a tangent. Please keep reading.
Having sex with someone when the power goes out
It’s the most time-honored tradition in Buffalo’s long and storied history. Every time there is a giant storm that puts out the power in the majority of households in the city, we get a population explosion. The Local News loves stories of multiple baby births nine months after blizzards and surprise storms.
It makes a ton of sense. Without electricity, you’re really only left with two options. You can light a candle and play some Jenga or get with the getting’ on.
That’s it. Those are the only five things to do, other than drink. You can kind of always drink so I didn’t put it on the list.
This list is different for kids because they like to go outside and forget that it’s cold out. We used to find the mounds of snow left in South Buffalo parking lots by snow plows and play King of the Mountain. Basically, someone climbs on top of the snow and everyone joins in trying to throw them down onto the lightly covered asphalt. Everyone takes a turn trying to get on top. Unless you’re me. I kind of just let everyone else make it on top so I didn’t get thrown off. I had this thing about my teeth hitting frozen concrete. Call it a phobia.
We used to throw snowballs at Metro Buses, too. Every once and a while, you’d get a driver with enough frustration built up to get out of the bus and chase you. Those were good times. I should probably be in jail. If you’re reading this and you are 12, please don’t throw snowballs at Metro Buses. It’s really kind of dangerous and stupid and a ton of fun.
I actually love winter. It’s my third-favorite season. I just get a little emotional each year when I have to scrape off my windshield. Why hasn’t someone invented a spray bottle of stuff that fits in your pocket and easily sprays onto windshields to defrost them? Please don’t steal my idea… unless you plan on inventing it, because I don’t.
I’m glad that all of the bees are dead or sleeping or whatever it is that bees do. How come you’re not listening to my podcast on Thursdays?