Walk down emotionally-draining memory lane

Shut up, shut up. I don’t care if it was a good trade or a bad trade. I mean, the trade was made with the goalie that based his career on wearing mattresses on his legs so it had to be a good trade, right?

Wait, don’t answer that. I said I don’t care and I don’t. I’m not even paying attention. Who said that? What’s a Sabre?

Do they have to keep trading away my favorite guy? I know that you knew he was being traded. This wasn’t a surprise. He was still my favorite guy and the only thing this team has ever done is trade my favorite guy.

Care to walk down the emotionally-draining memory lane with me?

Mike Foligno

“Hey! That guy jumps when he scores! I like him. When I’m doing breakaway challenge in my driveway with a tennis ball and a stick with a plastic blade worn down so far we call it a butter blade, I’m going to be Mike Foligno! He’s my favorite!”

Traded to Toronto


Mike Ramsey

“Hey! That guy slides into front of shots in November! He’s got a moustache. My Dad likes him. He was in a commercial for the Crystal Beach Comet with Mike Foligno! He seemed nice when I met him in Tops! He’s a captain. I hope he retires as a Sabre and they hang his jersey in the rafters of the Aud next to the 4,000 abandoned Mylar balloons.”

Traded to Pittsburgh


Alexander Mogilny

“Holy Cow! That guy’s the fastest thing I’ve ever seen! I don’t even care if he doesn’t fly and that I saw him chain-smoke 400 cigarettes in 12 minutes when I was at a Junior Prom in the Hilton, he scored 76 goals in a season! He’s on Sports Center every night, and they hate hockey! He’s my favorite Sabre ever! I have 7 posters of him on my wall and every article in every magazine that mentions Alexander Mogilny. I draw pictures of him scoring goals. I’m gonna name my next dog Moggy!”

Traded to Vancouver


Dominic Hasek

“Hey, look! It’s the best goalie to ever play ice hockey!”


Traded to Detroit


Vaclav Varada

“That guy couldn’t score a goal if you placed a puck on the goal line, tied him to the front of a truck and drove the truck into the net but, man does he hit every one. I love Vaclav Varada. Why does he use a stick? It gets in the way of the hitting. I wonder if Vaclav Varada gets on the bus and just starts throwing people around for fun. Look at how much Alexi Yashin hates him. I hate Alexi Yashin and his stupid turtle necks and Alexi Yashin hates Varada, therefore, I love Varada!”


Traded to Ottawa


Thomas Vanek

“Hey! Look! It’s the only thing about watching this team that doesn’t make me want to fill my mouth with lit road flares and jump off a building into a swimming pool full of gasoline!”

Thomas Vanek

Traded to NY Islanders


Draft picks are awesome. I’m not arguing. I don’t even want to talk about the Sabres. Talking about the Buffalo Sabres is like deciding which end of your body you’d want lowered into a hay baler first. What difference does it make?

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