We’re neck-deep in Bachelorette goodness. Kaitlyn beat out Britt for the right to date 25 men. She’s already dumped a bunch of them. Well, one of them was planted by ABC to be drunk and get kicked off the show and Brady Kurt Bert dumped Kaitlyn to run off and find Britt. It was like a fairy tale… if fairy tales were staged and written by sleazy ABC lawyers. It’s a winning formula for love. It’s The Bachelorette.
In last week’s season preview, it’s shown that Kaitlyn will have sex with a guy this season and she cries because she’s really sorry that happened. The dramatic music supplied by ABC shows that she’s right to be sorry because women aren’t supposed to have sex with men unless they are contestants submitting themselves to The Bachelor. Bachelorettes need to smooch and sleep alone. Bachelors can drag Claire into the Indian Ocean and have all of the sex they want while Claire’s dad watches from heaven. Essokay. No dramatic music needed. But, women? No. They are not allowed to have sex with their 25 boyfriends.
We begin this week with gripping footage of Kaitlyn waking up in full makeup and styled hair so she can jump out of bed, look out the window and think about finding love. She immediately jumps into an informative 1-on-1 interview with Chris Harrison where we find out that she’s happy to be the Bachelorette. What a scoop!
Back at the mansion, her boyfriends stand on the roof and yell, “Hello Kaitlyn” for no reason. Kaitlyn’s not even there. These guys are committed.
We don’t even have time to dwell on that because Britt is in her hotel and on the phone with her mom telling her mom that’s she’s been dumped by her 25 boyfriends. Just in time to save the day, Brady Kurt Bert knocks on the door. Britt is so surprised, even though they’re both fully mic’d and properly positioned with cameras recording their every movement. Lucky! Britt and Kurt Bert begin their romance.
We’re back at the Bro-mansion. Keep up! There’s a group date where a dozen of her boyfriends jump into limos to meet Kaitlyn at some place. In the limo, the guys toast to finding their wife, which isn’t weird at all because they’re all dating the same woman. I remember, when I was on a date with my wife at a restaurant, some guy sat down at our table and said that he also wanted to marry my wife. Me and that guy toasted to finding our wife because we were bros!
The first group date is super intense because ABC gives us slow-motion footage of Kaitlyn boxing. There’s gonna be boxing, you guys! It’s a boxing date. Her gloves are pink. It’s adorbs. The guys are confused because there is boxing stuff everywhere. Kaitlyn explains things by bringing out Laila Ali. She’s related to Muhammad Ali, or something. Laila has never been beaten at boxing. She has big arms, but she’s pretty. It’s really marketable.
What follows is seven straight minutes of boxing training footage. Guys hit bags and jump and stuff. It’s really boring. Kupa really likes training to be a boxer. He forgot that he’s really just fighting for love. Stupid Kupa. From now on, he’s Kupid.
Laila announces that the guys are going to use their seven minutes of training to box each other. That seems like a good idea. Chris Harrison wasn’t lying when he said he’d do anything in his power to help Kaitlyn find love. He’s totally helping Kaitlyn find love by taking the precious few moments she has with her 12 boyfriends on this date and making them box each other instead of talking to her about her goals in life or favorite movies. The best way to find out if a guy is right for you is to NOT be near him at all while he punches one of your other boyfriends.
Next, we get boxing. ABC somehow got hundreds of cat owners to fill out a makeshift boxing audience in the middle of an industrial warehouse. The cat owners applaud Kaitlyn’s boyfriends as they punch each other really hard. It’s boxing-riffic. The sports quota has been destroyed.
Ben and Daniel punch the hell out of ach other. They kind of hit each other hard. It’s violent. I didn’t expect this much violence in a show where a woman is trying to find her husband.
Justin and Corey also punch each other. ABC adds sound effects and slow-motion punchiness to make it seem worse than it actually is. It’s all pretty stupid. Some dude keeps throwing a small white towel into the ring to stop fights. He must be the government.
The final match is between Ben Z. and Jared. They totally punch a bunch. There is so much punching. Ben Z. punches Jared hard. I felt it. You guys felt it too, admit it. ABC plays dramatic music and Kaitlyn acts really upset over Jared getting punched hard. Yeah, who would have thought that a sport involving punching guys in the head would result in a guy getting punched in the head? It’s devastating! Nothing is going as planned! Why couldn’t the punching have gone better? Why couldn’t Kaitlyn’s punch date had less punching?
Jared died. We’re all real sad about it. He’s dead now. Wait, he’s okay. Jared totally pulled through. He will have to deal with a life of memory loss and depression from the bruise on his brain caused by Ben Z’s punch, but he’ll live. The finest Bachelorette medic pulls Jared aside to check on him. The Bachelorette medic shines a blue flashlight in his eye and tells him he’s not okay. Laila Ali did nothing to stop any of this.
Kaitlyn is super concerned about Jared. She shows this by leaving the boxing industrial complex with her other boyfriends to drink and have fun. She says she’s worried about Jared, but there are connections to be made. You can’t get in the way of connections, you guys.
At the group cocktail party, Kaitlyn pulls undefeated boxing champion Ben Z. aside. Ben Z. tells Kaitlyn about his mom dying. She’s into it. The others guys talk about other stuff other than dead moms. Kaitlyn is totally getting to know them. It’s knowey.
While Kaitlyn is talking to a guy who doesn’t wear socks, a telegram comes. The telegram tells Kaitlyn that Jared died… probably. We don’t know because she just gets up and leaves. It’s a mystery telegram from a mystery person. Who’s the note from, you guys???!!!! Who sends telegrams? We’ll never know!
Wait, it’s from Jared. He’s alive… for now. Jared is back from the hospital and pulls Kaitlyn outside for a walk. Why can’t he go inside to the cocktail party? Are concussions contagious? The Bachelorette medics won’t let him go to a cocktail party because his brain is bleeding and he might get it all over the rug. Kaitlyn makes out with Jared in the street. Jared doesn’t care that Kaitlyn abandoned him for her cocktail party. He says, “My head hurts, but my heart feels great.” Jared should work for Hallmark. He’s like Robert Frost if Robert Frost’s brain was bleeding.
Kaitlyn gives the group date rose to Ben Z. because he made her other boyfriend’s brain bleed. That’s how I choose my mates. If a girl can punch another girl so hard that the other girl needs to have a blue flashlight shined in her eyes to check for a concussion, she’s a keeper.
Clint gets the next date. It’s a 1-on-1 date with Clint, which means there will be very little chance of someone getting punched so hard that they get a bruise on their brain. Clint is nervous, but his buddies tell him that he’ll crush his 1-on-1 date. These guys are really supportive of the other guys dating their girlfriend.
Clint and Kaitlyn go to a villa. It’s so cliché. Kaitlyn tells Clint that they’ll be doing an underwater photo shoot. Going underwater where you can’t talk to someone or breathe is a great way to get to know someone. We get choice footage of Clint taking his shirt off to get changed for his underwater photo shoot. It’s important. The photographer makes the couple stretch to get ready for their picture-taking.
Back at the mansion, creepy woodchuck freezer guy complains about the boxing date because boxing is not what love is about. The nerve! Woodchuck freezer guy doesn’t think gimmicky dates are appropriate. He says, “I got a lot of love, bro!” I cry a little because it’s a super emotional moment.
We’re back at the underwater photo thing. Keep up! There hasn’t been a single helicopter this season. It’s like ABC isn’t even trying to find Kaitlyn love. Clint and Kaitlyn get comfortable with their posing and they make out underwater. Kaitlyn is excited because it’s her first underwater kiss. I’m still waiting for mine. How could you make out with someone under water? Wouldn’t you drown? How many people die each year from trying to make out underwater? Does Hallmark make a card for that? Would Jared write it? Don’t even answer my questions. I hate you guys.
After their picture taking, Kaitlyn and Clint eat on TV. They talk and there’s talking. Clint makes Kaitlyn laugh. What is going on? How is she supposed to know if he’s right for her if he’s not punching someone? This show is stupid. Kaitlyn gives Clint a rose because he was romantic and funny and stuff. Clint accepts the rose and they make out. It’s slurpy. They slurp on a building. Kaitlyn says, “I have three different categories of Clint kissing; there’s underwater Clint, out of water Clint and rooftop Clint.” If only she could experience bleeding-brain Clint kissing. I hear that’s awesome.
Woodchuck freezer plant-kissing guy acts weird back at the mansion. He talks about finding love and talks to some of the other guys about Kaitlyn. He accidentally calls her Britt, but no biggie. Britt is a completely different person, but woodchuck freezer loves Kaitlyn and wants her to love him.
Woodchuck freezer is one of the seven guys on the next group date with Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn is bringing the guys to a comedy club to make them do comedy. Amy Schumer is there because she has a movie coming out and ABC has money invested in it. ABC has only done the stand-up comedy thing about a thousand times, so this should be fresh and new. I’m pretty excited. I hope someone gets a concussion here, too!
The seven guys will be tasked with making a live audience laugh. Other professional comics like Rachel Feinstein were brought in to help. You’ve seen many of them on the side of this page because they perform at Helium Comedy Club in Buffalo. You should be proud, you guys.
JJ doesn’t do well with preparation. Amy Schumer doesn’t like him. If Amy Schumer doesn’t like you and she has a movie coming out so she has to be extra nice to everyone so they go see her movie, you’re probably a jerk.
The comedy show is next. This should be a great chance for Kaitlyn to find a husband. The seven guys get up and do their jokes. It’s bad, even for this show. Nothing even remotely interesting happens. It’s the longest ten minutes of my life. If you’re ever on death row and you have one last request, ask to watch the Bachelorette stand-up special, because it never ends so you’ll never die.
Woodchuck freezer guy’s name is Tony. He’s creepy, as advertised. Tony’s official professional is listed as “healer”, which is ironic because he’s killing me. He has a woman made out of hair somewhere in his house. He doesn’t tell jokes. How will Kaitlyn even know if he’s a good husband if he doesn’t tell a stand-up joke! Chris Harrison promised he’d do everything in his power to help Kaitlyn find a husband! He promised.
Despite the terrible things that just happened, Kaitlyn says that this is the best date she’s ever had. That’s almost impossible. Every other date she’s had must have involved guys holding her head into a toilet with one hand while rifling through her wallet with the other. All of her other dates must have tried to kill her with fire. If the best date you’ve ever had involved seven guys stumbling through awkward jokes, you need to become a nun.
Next, there’s another cocktail party. This show is putting Crown Royal’s kids through college. Kaitlyn drinks with seven of her boyfriends and talks to them about stuff. Joshua calls himself a love virgin because he’s never been in love before. I’m guessing, if you use the term “love virgin”, you’re also a virgin virgin.
Woodchuck freezer Tony rambles on about the universe. He’s not even interesting in his craziness. I’m past it.
JJ and Kaitlyn talk about his three-year old daughter. Seconds later, they make out. I hope his daughter got to stay up late and watch from home. With JJ fresh on her tongue, Kaitlyn makes out with Joe. Joe has the Bart Simpson hair and a deep southern drawl.
For having a daughter, JJ gets the group date rose. It’s really stupid to come on this show and not have a daughter. You gotta plan ahead. Don’t go on ABC reality dating shows if you don’t have a daughter.
The final cocktail party of the week is next. They’re gonna run out of cocktails soon. JJ makes all of the guys mad because he steals Kaitlyn away immediately, even though he has a rose. He hogged Kaitlyn from her other boyfriends. One of the guys said, “It’s obvious that’s he’s just here for himself.” What a jerk! How dare he date his girlfriend! JJ says, “I didn’t come here to make guyfriends.” JJ should write for Hallmark, too.
The rest of the bros gang up on JJ because he’s cocky and hogs Kaitlyn. He doesn’t apologize. Well, that’s not completely accurate. He says that he’s sorry he’s not sorry. Crazy woodchuck freezer Tony lays into JJ and tells him he’s disrespectful. It’s dramatic, I guess. It’s not really dramatic. It’s stupid. This show is really stupid.
Kupa can tell that he’s not “connecting” with Kaitlyn. He sees himself as a token minority who is only here to fill a quota because he’s black and black guys never make it into the top ten. Kaitlyn tells Kupa that he’s the one who has been ignoring her. He was too into training for his boxing match and wasn’t trying to be a good prospective husband. Kupa keeps talking. He doesn’t stop. It keeps happening. Eventually, Kaitlyn gets sick of him talking about whatever the hell it is he’s talking about, so she tells him that he needs to stop talking. Kupa doesn’t stop talking. When they’re done with their conversation, they fist bump. You know you’re never going to be a woman’s husband if she ends your conversation with a fist bump. This show is torture.
Kupa goes out to the guys and keeps talking. It never stops. Kaitlyn walks back out, pulls him aside and dumps him. Kupa doesn’t accept his dumping. He tells her that he doesn’t want to go home. He says that the fact that Kaitlyn doesn’t like him isn’t bad and that they should work things out. Kupa’s five minutes of fame are not good. It’s tragic. He’s not going to like watching that back with his family and friends.
Kupa yells during his exit interview. He’s clearly embarrassed and a little drunk. Usually, people just cry during those things. Kupa wants to fight the Bachelorette producers asking him questions. It’s actually kind of dramatic.
We have to wait until next week to find out who else goes home. While the credits roll, ABC shows us that Britt and Brady Kurt Bert are now boyfriend/girlfriend. They’re all sorts of in love and stuff. We get important footage of the happy couple making out against a wall. It’s not the least bit awkward. I hate this show.