Following a bye week, we’re back for more Bachelorette action. Boom! Sports quota filled in the first sentence.
When we left Andi Dorfman, she still hadn’t found love. Still! She dumped some other boyfriends and one of them died. 11 contestants remain. By the way, I’m aware that Tasos cried after getting kicked off of the show so, if you drafted Tasos on your Fantasy team, you will get the five points.
Andi has taken her love bunch to Marseille, France. That’s where they signed the Treaty of Marseille. The preview footage promises tonight will be super dramatic. Another dramise from ABC. We’re reminded that Andrew is here for the wrong reasons. We’re also given a sneak peak at someone yelling Andi’s name on top of a French mountain. I’m so mad at myself for not making that worth at least 5 points.
We get exclusive video footage of Andi walking around France and thinking. Fulfilling Bachelorette contract terms, Andi tells the camera that France is the perfect place to fall in love. She may actually be right. I’ve heard things about that France.
Chris Harrison works overtime with a sit-down interview with Andi. Harrison wears a turtle neck because he’s in France. Harrison asks Andi if she’s falling in love. She says, “Stop!” He keeps going. After swearing, Andi says that she’s falling in love with more than one guy. You guys, falling in love means you don’t fall in love with more than one person. I guess television love is different than real life love. I think ‘Real Life Love’ is a Stevie Wonder song.
Pro Baseball player Josh M. gets the first one-on-one date. There will be lots of making out. To give the viewers a flavor of France, ABC shows us people selling eels and laundry hanging up on outside clotheslines. It’s exactly how I pictured France.
Andi and Josh go out on a sail boat. I can’t believe I didn’t give out points for boat rides. I guess, if they jump in the ocean and have sex, they’ll get 10 points. Josh and Andi do make out while their boat floats. I’m not sure who is steering. It’s a sail boat and I’m pretty sure people have to work hard to keep those things going. Sail boats do not run on ‘Make Out’ power. ABC doesn’t feel obligated to give the hard working sail boat crew credit. I’ll give them credit. Good job, sail boat crew. If you drafted a team in my league, you each get 4 points!
Andi and Josh get off their boat to sit on a bench. It’s cold and windy. They talk. Because it’s windy and they’re wearing microphones, all you hear is “whoooooosh”. They talk about Josh’s baseball career. Andi is worried that her feelings for Josh are only physical. I’m worried too, you guys!
Back at the hotel, the other boyfriends are gossiping. JJ tells Marquel that Andrew, the guy everyone hates, called the black guys “Blackies”. That’s a no-no! Marquel is super upset and plans to confront Andrew on his racism. Now that’s drama, ABC!
Marquel is so upset that cameras capture him by himself, thinking about how upset he is. He stands on a balcony and then paces, thinking about how to confront Andrew. Marquel even kind of cries. He does. He cries. He gets 5 points. Unfortunately, Andrew is now the guy everyone hates. For that, Andrew gets 5 points.
We’re back to the one-on-one date. Keep up! Andi and Josh wear nice clothes to eat dinner on TV. They’re in a French castle with statues of people without shirts. Those French love their nudity. Andi is hoping for a deep conversation. She’s on the wrong show.
Josh says, “I want you to know everything about me.” Andi says, “Pour it on.” Then, Josh doesn’t really say anything about himself. He talks about the time he was cheated on. He says, “I was like… woah!” There are a lot of sentence fragments. Their conversation is very much like my recaps. It only makes sense if you’re drunk or stupid. I’m assuming none of you have read down this far.
Josh is super focused on love and says, “The next time I say ‘I love you’, it’s not just gonna be ‘I love you’.” I re-think everything I know about love. When they’re done talking, Andi gives Josh a rose. She knows him so much better now. Then, they make out. It’s slurpy.
Andi and Josh get a private concert from Ben Fields. Josh owners get 10 points. I was excited because, at first, I thought the private concert was by Ben Folds. I’d watch a 2-hour Ben Folds concert. Hell, I have watched a 2-hour Ben Folds concert. But, it’s Ben Fields, not Ben Folds. Just two little letters off from happiness. Vowels are amazing like that.
Ben Fields seems nice. I didn’t even hate his music. It’s too bad he has to watch two horn balls make out while he sings and plays his guitar.
The group date is next. Chris the farmer wears bright pink shorts for the group date. I’m pretty sure, if you’re a farmer and you wear pink shorts, you’re not a farmer anymore. Again, I don’t farm.
Andi has something fun planned. I know I’m pretty cynical, but the group date is actually a complete hoot. They… they… Sorry, I’m laughing a ton because the date is so super goofy. Sorry, I’ll pull it together. They… sorry… they go to a Mime class! You guys, mimes!
Andi and the boys receive miming lessons from mimes. I guess, France? Mimes are French? Nice legacy, France; long bread, Joan of Arc and Mimes. Some other stuff, too.
Andi says that the mimes will teach them about relationships because mimes communicate non-verbally. Chris the farmer doesn’t know what mimes do because there are no mimes in Iowa. Well, there you go, kids. If you’re thinking about going to college and you want a job in a wide open field with tons of opportunity, go to the Colorado School of Mimes (inside joke)!
Mimes instruct the men how to mime. Andi translates what the mimes are saying. The mime teachers make the guys mime out in public in front of the French. The guys are nervous because miming is a big deal in France. It’s like eating cheeseburgers here. You don’t want to do that wrong. You’ll get stabbed.
Marquel is having a difficult time on the group mime date because he still hasn’t confronted Andrew on calling him ‘Blackie’ behind his back. It’s dramatic. Luckily, no one can talk. Marquel does good miming, I think. I have no idea. I wish I was drunk.
The guys suck at miming. They look down their French noses at the American mimes. I think we, as a country, would be more forgiving if the French came here and tried to battle rap or something.
After the miming… and, guys, it was a total hoot! After the miming, everyone goes to a French place lit by candles to drink alcohol. JJ the pants guy takes Andi aside to ride a Ferris wheel. They look at France from their Ferris wheel. I think ‘Ferris’ is the French word for ‘wheel’, which would mean they’re on a wheel wheel. They make out.
During the wheel wheel ride, some of the guys yell at Nick V. because he’s grumpy and arrogant. There’s a lot of bleeping and use of the word ‘bro’. Cody yells at Nick V. and points in his face. He does it 4 times. That’s 10 points a point. Cody racks up 40 points.
Andi pulls Chris the farmer aside to ask about the Nick V. drama. Why the hell do you read these? I can’t even follow them.
Cody pulls Andi aside and tells her that Nick V. is here for the wrong reasons. Cody gets 20 more points. Cody is like the Spurs of tonight, as opposed to the Spurs being the Spurs of last night. For the record, I don’t agree with Nick V. being there for the wrong reasons so he doesn’t get 21 points. He’s here for the right reasons. Get over it! He just has a sparkle and he won’t let go of it. He maintains possession of his sparkle. Nick V. gets 10 points!!!!!!!1!!!!eleventy1!!!!!!
Nick V. smoothes things over with Andi, admitting that he punked off Cody. Andi isn’t completely convinced that Nick V. is being sincere. She’s pissed. He pulls out a poem to read it to Andi. I say out loud, “Wrong time to read a poem, bro!” I was wrong, Andi smiles and makes out with him ‘cause she loves her poem. One more point for Nick V. Andi says Nick V. is “Causing a ruckus. Causing a ruckus in my mind.” It sounds like a Country Western song lyric.
After poem time, Marcus gets to make out with Andi. He tells her that he’s falling in love with her. It’s been done.
After that… keep up! After that, Marquel decides to confront Andrew about the ‘Blackie’ comment. We’ll call it Blackie-gate. The whole thing reminds me of a skit SNL did about Michael Jordan being the first Harlem Globetrotter. I’d post it but Lorne Michaels would shut my blog down. What would both of you do without my blog?
Marquel doesn’t pull Andrew aside to discuss this. He does it in front of the group. He tells Andrew he was offended when Andrew said, “He picked the two Blackies.” This show tackles the real issues. Andrew laughs and denies saying anything like ‘Blackies’. Marquel gets more angry and upset. Andrew denies it more. Marquel says, “I really appreciate that.” That’s it. That’s all that happens. It’s more awkward than dramatic. All of Andi’s other boyfriends applaud Marquel for how he handled the awkward thing that just happened. I hate this show.
Andrew tells Andi about the thing he did or didn’t say. ABC uses super dramatic music to highlight the drama we’ve just seen. It’s stupid. Andi gives JJ the group date rose. He takes it. JJ is happy. I’m a bit unhappy.
Coach Brian gets the next one-on-one date. Cody wishes his girlfriend’s other boyfriend good luck on his date. Cody says, “Have fun. You’re in France, bro.” That was my yearbook quote.
Coach Brian and Andi walk into a French theater. ABC needs to make a million dollars on a movie called ‘The 100 Foot Journey’. We see clips of the movie about young lovers who cook and fall in love. Andi and Coach Brian watch the movie and then cook and fall in love. We basically watch a 6 minute commercial. Andi cooks us up a metaphor by saying, “There’s a recipe for love.” I hate this show. I hate this show so much. My hate is a comet.
To make the date super fun, ABC makes Andi and Coach Brian shop for a bunch of disgusting and unusual ingredients to cook a meal. They pick up frog legs. Frog legs… because they’re in France? No wonder the French hate us. They give us a nice statue and we jet our filthy game show contestants into their country to stereotype them with imitation miming and frog leg cooking. ABC is setting back Amero-France relations.
Coach Brian doesn’t like cooking. Andi likes the cooking. She tries to have fun with it but Coach Brian is all coachey. Andi is sad. A master of words, Andi says, “Everything’s cooking, the kitchen is getting hot but, things aren’t really heating up with Brian right now.” I wish I could somehow punch the Earth.
These stupid puns drive me nuts. Do they have writers for this crap? Do producers prompt Andi to compare everything to what she’s doing at the moment? If she’s butchering baby cows on a date, would she say, “I calf to say, it’s going really well!”? Is there no end to their puns?
Andi is upset but decides to give Brian another chance. They ditch their gross food and go out to eat real French food. Coach Brian is back in his comfort zone and does better. Andi forgives him for the 4 seconds he wasn’t incredible. It must be hard when you date people for 30 minutes at a time. With food in their mouths, they make out. Correction, they French! GET IT, GUYS? THEY FRENCH! ‘CAUSE THEY’RE IN FRANCE??!!! You guys are jerks.
Coach Brian gets a rose and pulls Andi aside to dance in France. They French some more in a French kitchen. It’s super Frenching. My wife says Coach Brian is her favorite because he’s genuinely in love with Andi. Coach Brian is here for the right reasons. That’s good for the newspapers, but that doesn’t get you bonus points in a Fantasy Bachelorette League.
The cocktail party is supposed to be next, but first we get ANOTHER ONE-ON-ONE INTERVIEW WITH CHRIS HARRISON. This Harrison guy must be exhausted. Two one-on-ones with Andi, AND he still has to warn people when there is only one rose left.
Andi tells Chris Harrison that she’s cancelling the cocktail party because she knows who she’s sending home. She says she’s sending home three guys. But, there’s supposed to be a cocktail party? We’re skipping straight to the rose ceremony. This show has no rules. It’s a rule-less steel cage match. While Harrison is telling the guys about the canceled cocktail party, ABC plays the type of dramatic music you would use to score a bear chewing its own foot off to escape a trap.
Before the cocktail party, ABC previews a new game show hosted by former Bachelor Josh Groban. They also preview their smutfest ‘Bachelor in Paradise. It looks like the worst thing ever. I’m not going to recap it unless all of you mail me a five dollar bill. I’m not kidding. Real US currency only. Y’all can go to hell.
The Rose Ceremony happens. Marquel, Andrew and some guy I have never once seen before go home. They say a guy named Patrick was on the show. I don’t believe it. He’s gone now, anyway.
Andrew blames his exit on being bullied by his girlfriend’s other boyfriends. Marquel blames God, kind of. He says it wasn’t in God’s plan. If God is up there planning the winners for ‘The Bachelorette’, it would explain all of the war and unchecked drug use going on down here.
Marquel cries and gets 5 more points. He wants love, real bad. He tells the camera that he’s nothing special. I disagree. Marquel was really good at the miming thing. He should go to Iowa.
Next week, the group goes to Venice and a couple of the guys wear scarves. Updated Fantasy scoring is here, or soon to be here. You can see your full roster there as well.
Greg Bauch will not recap ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ unless you mail him five dollars.